It's a New Day

I used this song for two reasons.

Reason 1: President Obama, welcome to the White House. Also, enjoy redoing your effing oath of office twice in as many days because "the priest screwed up the recitation of the oath." Please. I watched that oath get taken. The priest did fine. He even repeated things for him. And according to my uncle (who may be biased, but ever since I was like, ten, this uncle knows a lot about a lot.), people were singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" about OBAMA. And that's a Christian song I think. God help us.

Reason 2: New starts all around for everyone really.

BIG example: Jimmy has a girlfriend. And it's not me. Its Lizzy. Not only is one of my best friends over me, he's dating a girl I positively adore. Lizzy used to sit with me before they let us up for classes, and apparently her and Amanda made out for Sheets that one day in gym. I think it was her, but either way, thank God I wasn't there. Ew.

I have never been happier for him. He deserves happiness with somebody kickass. Lizzy is positively kickass. And if I couldn't be with him, he should have gotten over me. And he did. Good for him.

I feel a lot less guilty about the whole mess now, now that he's happy. My only fear is that, without the blindness teen love tends to give you, he's gonna think I meant to hurt him and do all sorts of mean things to him, and I didn't. All I've really wanted is to be friends like before. I've really missed the Jimmy who used to wear colors and joke about monkeys and cheese. And now that he's not hurting, that Jimmy is back. Only now I won't see him for the reason that he'll be with his girlfriend, and not because he can't stand the sight of me. And that suits me just fine. The cinderblock of guilt is slightly off me. I'll never forget how much I owe him. How much I've hurt him. But I always knew he'd pull through, and hex'd eventually forget about me, and find somebody that he's not only more compatible with, but will be able to love him in a way that I just couldnt, for whatever reason, be it my mom, or dating Harris, or falling hard for Sheets, or anything else. Jimmy's finally okay, and he's not dropping anybody. And everything is going back to normal again. We'll probably never forget what we've all gone through, but we all did get through it.

If only I could say the same for my friendship with Rory. Honestly, I miss her. And I hate that I can't hang out with the rest of the group because she doesn't want to see me. I also hate that she didn't believe that I sided with her through this whole thing, but decided to keep a friendship with Harris because I don't know what I would do without him. Granted, Harris is manipulative and puts me down a lot, but he's been better, and aside from the odd and end insult and crap like that, I'm relatively sure he cares about me. I care about him too. And I care about her just as much. And I miss her just as much as I've missed the Jimmy I was friends with and fell for.

At least Jimmy's back.

Which is good.

As for me? Nothing too huge in my personal life, really. I've been hanging out with Aiyanna a lot. Ginie invited us to see this really gross movie about Valentine's Day killers who rip out people's hearts in 3D. My first horror gore movie. Whee.

Also, I've become a giant blonde despite the fact I've dyed my hair back to my original color (dark brown, almost black). Aiyanna knows, so does Ginie and Vanessa, and Jimmy saw it too. Ack. And they're never going to let me live it down.

As for my relationships, I've had none. I actually have no feelings about this. On the one hand, I enjoy the unattachment. The ability to be me, and not have to pretend to make somebody happy. On the other, I want to be attached. I like the feeling of a relationship, that somebody cares about me and vice versa.

I'm just a big mess now.

I want somebody to depend on me, and vice versa. Somebody who'd understand my need to be needed. It just feels like everybody doesn't need me. Harris's always had Liza, so he doesn't need me as much as I have always needed him. Sheets's got Rory, who dropped me, making my purpose irreverant, as I can't even hang out with my friends anymore while she's there. Jimmy is actually a lot better off without me, and now he's got Lizzy, so he doesn't need me. Steve's always seemed pretty self reliant, plus he's got Rory too. Aiyanna's got this whole other life in Vermont and her bunny friend (don't ask. I have a very vivid imagination.), and I've really missed her, but I never see her.

I miss Liza. She'd know what to do. She always knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. So would Rory, but she's not exactly talking to me. Which I can't do much about right now.

I want to feel for somebody the way I felt for Sheets, or even Harris and Jimmy. I want to know I have the capacity for it. That I have the ability to be as devoted to my person as I was to them, in any way possible.

I know a part of me is always going to wonder what would have happened if I did something differently. But I know everybody's either happier or will be happier without me. I would want to know, but I can't. And a part of me likes it that way. I just hope things work out for me as well as they did for Jimmy and Lizzy, and hopefully Harris and Sheets, because I want them both to be happy too.

In lighter news...

LOST SEASON 5!!

I think I'm in love with Faraday. I was in love with Charlie, but now I have two Lost loves. I don't know which one I love best, Charlie or Faraday. Ones a musician, one's a physicist, and both had or have very cute shippers with foreign women who get into very grave danger.

Anyway, that's it. I was pretty content, and now I'm seriously depressed. I want to die of guilt and shame and all that other stuff all over again.

The Shadow Of The Past

You know what I don't get about people?

About society?

How focused we all become on things we can and can't fix.

Granted, I know I'm pointing the finger at myself here too. I know I get forever fixated on things I can fix. On how to achieve absolution. How to make everything okay. I also tend to beat myself up a LOT when I can't make things right, and when I lose people. Most of the time, people tend to forgive me pretty quickly, knowing that I didn't mean to hurt them, and for that, I thank these people. They've been very good to me, and I hope I've been good to them.

But I want to be a person that can forgive easily. I am a person that forgives easy. I want to stay that way. I believe forgiveness is a good quality to have. I find it lets a lot of things out, and you can let a lot of things go. Things you don't want to think about.

I forgave things partly because I never want to doubt someone, and partly because holding it against people hurts me as much as it would hurt them if they cared.

NOOOOOOO>....I'm watching Jin get blown to smithereens. The saddest TV death since Charlie Pace. With Michael, it's okay. He got a visit from Christian and he wanted to die anyway.

Anyway, a bit of me feels like absolution and forgiveness outside of God's divine forgiveness doesn't exist anymore. Like...no matter what anybody does, you're still going to have your past sins over your head. The bood on your hands.

And it hurts. It hurts bad.

And I'm screwed.

I got a C in history, bringing my average down to a quite respectable 3.0 even.

Oh welll.

Let the misery begin.

I'm Sorry

Feeling miserable.

Like I don't deserve friends.

Like all my friends should drop me and I should start over.

Not somewhere else, because I love it in New York, but to just get out, move, do SOMETHING.

I feel like Harris did before.

Like I hurt everyone around me.

EVERYONE.

Like the world just deserves better than me.

All I can really do is say I'm sorry and try NEVER to do this to anyone else I care about.

2009 bites right now. I'm just repaying everything I did in 2008. Everything.

I want to feel guiltless for once.

Like I deserve such good people to associate themselves with me.

For the last year, I've felt like good things shouldn't happen to me.

My original theory, suffer until the fates see fit...

Seems completely plausible now.

Do I deserve better?

Probably not.

A part of me wants to die.

The rest deems this worse.

To gradually lose everyone I've gotten close to.

Hurt.

Abused.

People deserve friends better than me.

The sad part is that I do the best I can with what I have.

My best isn't good enough.

It never has been.

My friends deserve better than me.

Everyone I know deserves better than me.

Way to kick off the year.

Knowing that 2008 was when I royally messed up at least three of my friendships, and 2009 is when I get to make all of it up.

A year of sins. A year of penance.

Don't want to think about what I did.

Can't be a better friend if I don't.

It won't matter what I do now.

It won't do any good.

The world knew where I stood.

Where I stand means nothing anymore.

I can't say I want my life back.

My life includes my friends, who deserve better.

Much better.

I wish I had the emotional resolve to die right now.

But I don't.

But I can't live with the guilt any longer.

I can't live with the thought that I have the potential to hurt someone I love (in a platonic way of course.).

Too much guilt to live, not enough resolve to die.

What else is there?

Penance.

But to who?

I need help.

Who can help me?

Concerning Hobbits

I have GOT to get in touch with my LOTR fan ness. So I found the world's hardest LOTR knowledge quiz. Hopefully this makes me feel a little better.

Beginning Questions

1. Just exactly what was the nature of the friendship between Gimli and Legolas?

Strictly friendship. Even if the nature of their friendship had gone further than that, which I'm sure it didn't, I'm sure Legolas and/or Gimli would have waited until the war was over, so they could go about it properly. A moonlit walk through Lorien or Moria, perhaps. (The only reason I went this route was because I know a lot of ay guys and I wanted to get the gay jokes out now, to shut up all the non-LOTR fans who read this.)

2. If Aragorn had the option, would he have ditched the Fellowship for a date with Pamela Anderson?

I think he wouldn't have. Pamela Anderson is married, and not very pretty anyway.

3. Why didn't Gandalf just blow up the armies that got in his way, if he was so powerful?

He's very low key, plain and simple.

4. How many times is the word "passed" used in LotR? (No peeking!)

Passed, in past, present or future?

5. What exactly was in lembas? (Hint: in Letters #210, JRRT says quite explicitly that lembas is not a "food concentrate".)

The Pop Tarts of Middle Earth. That is what Lembas is, the Pop Tarts of Middle Earth. The Fellowship needed a nutritious food that tasted good, so the Elves decided to supply them with their Pop Tarts. Eventually, they're going to come up with Middle Earth Hot Pockets.

6. Why didn't the hobbits in the Shire rise against Sharkey and his men sooner? (Were Frodo, Sam and the lads a cut above hobbitdom and thus extraordinary?)

They didn't have the resources, as the Shire was filled with peace loving people, and they wouldn't know how to take down Sharkey. They needed the push.

7. If Aragorn truly spent uncounted years as a lone Ranger, then where the hell is Tonto? And why doesn't he wear that mask?

He wasn't a lone Ranger. He had comrades and stuff, so he wasn't really alone. His many aliases were a mask in their own way.

8. If Frodo hung the Ring on a chain, why didn't the chain turn invisible?

Because the Ring needs a person or like a finger to work. No finger, no power.

9. When Isildur had control of the One Ring, why didn't he use it to command the Ringwraiths? Or the Elven-rings? Or the Dwarven-rings? He could have ruled the whole of Middle-earth with that Ring, yet he decided instead to just write a couple of letters and then go for an unfortunate swim. What's his problem, anyway? Was he stupid?

He probably didn't know it could do all that. And he probably was stupid.

10. When Legolas introduces Gimli to Treebeard, Gimli bows low and his axe falls to the ground. Treebeard notices this, but merely comments "Hoom! A Dwarf and an axe-bearer!" rather than smash Gimli to Play-Doh™. Doubtless you've heard of the poem, "Woodsman, Spare That Tree!"; did Tolkien have plans to write another version, titled "Tree, Spare That Woodsman!"?

I have actually never heard of the poem, so...Treebeard was probably just feeling nice. As the oldest of all living things, he knows when soembody's a threat to his forest.

11. Why is the tale of Beren and Luthien subtitled "Release from Bondage", when we never even once get to see her tied up? (And I was really hoping, too.)

Because mortality and death is a sort of bondage.

12. And if, as is likely, a bacterium had landed on the inner surface of the Ring, would the Ring corrupt it into an evil bacterium? Would it be invisible to other bacteria? Would its' life stretch out and become an unending weariness? Would it use its' increased strength and stature to rule over other bacteria? Would it fight to keep other bacteria from adhering to the Ring? Would it still evolve genetically, or would it instead become a Bacteria-wraith?

The bacterium probably wouldn't care. Bacterium don't care if they're evil. Their lives are probably unending wearinesses anyway, being single cells and all.

---

Advanced Questions

13. When the Dwarves of beautiful Khazad-Dum built their Western door, why did they allow it to be inscribed with the insulting name of "Moria" ("Black Pit"), a name that would only be earned long years afterwards?

They don't know Elvish so if the Elves were feeling contrary, they could put whatever they wanted on that stinking door.

14. Reconcile Tom Bombadil's statement that he is "Eldest" with Gandalf's statement that Fangorn is "the oldest of all living things". Extra Credit: suggest a valid date of birth for each of them. Document your answers.

Eldest noirmally refers to humans. Treebeard isnt human, thus ruling him out for teh title of Eldest.

15. Aragorn states (Two Towers, p. 18 hardback) that Sauron never uses the name "Sauron", nor does he "permit it to be spelt or spoken". Reconcile this text with the text of Return of the King, p. 164 hardback, where the Lieutenant of Barad-Dur clearly states, "I am the Mouth of Sauron".

Well, that's his mouth. Sauron could say his name whenever he wants, and if the lieutenant's his mouth, the lieutenant can therefore say whatever he wants, but only as Sauron. If he says it seperate from Sauron, he probably has hell to pay. Granted, Sauron's thoughts were bent on the Ring, and he was pretty easily distracted by the armada outside, and if he could see all, he could probably see Aragorn's distraction meeting, which makes Sauron an idiot for not knowing what was happening. So really, it's all his fault, and he deserved to get his ring destroyed. Sauron's probably rode the special bus, like that kid on the special bus shirt.

16. Though Moria is, by rightful ownership, Dain's, Balin nonetheless referred to himself as "Lord of Moria". Helm's Deep is clearly the property of the Rohirrim, being part of lands granted to them by Gondor long years ago, yet in Return of the King p. 360 hardback Gimli declares himself "Lord of the Glittering Caves". Explain the laws and history pertaining to Dwarven property rights, and how those differed from the customs of Elves and Men. For full credit your answer must also reconcile Dwarven property laws with the generous nature of Aule, the Dwarves' creator.

Dwarves apparently don't have property laws, which explains Gimli taking caves undr Rohan's stronghold. Aule's principles are probably on a what's yours is mine basis. Not such a bad, idea, really.

17. How would the history of Middle-earth have differed if Sauron had returned to Aman and received the judgement of Manwe at the end of the First Age, rather than remaining in Middle-Earth (Silmarillion p. 285 hardback)? Describe resultant cultural differences which would have taken place in the Second, Third and Fourth Ages. Special emphasis should be given to the cultures of the Grey Havens, Numenor (including the Dunedain and the Black Numenoreans), the Rohirrim, the Dunlendings and others descending from the peoples of the White Mountains, the Ents, the peoples of Khand, the Orcs (particularly those tribes living in the Grey, Misty and Ash Mountains and the Mountains of Shadow), the Elven peoples of Gil-Galad (include Elrond and the likelihood of Rivendell's being constructed), the Hobbits (beginning from when they were living in the Vales of Anduin), and the Haradrim (both Near and Far Harad must be covered for full credit). Also speculate on the differences in culture which would take place in Aman as Sauron describes his experience with evil to the Valar, Maiar, and Eldar living there. On Silmarillion p. 65, it states that "Manwe was free from evil and could not comprehend it"; would he gain an understanding of evil from the experiences of Sauron? Be prepared to defend your answer.

Ummm....if Sauron had returned to Aman, the whole War of the RIng wouldn't have happened. Or Manwe would have done the same thing to Sauron that he did to Morgoth, because he couldn't comprehend evil, and he might have let Sauron go. Or maybe he ould have learned. This is the biggest "what if?" question ever, and it's nearly impossible to answer. For a LOTR fan quiz, we're a very sadistic bunch, aren't we?

~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, that's it. I was just bored.

Leavin'

Liza's gone.

She's on her way to Utah as I type. I wish her all the best. I'm really sad to see her go.

And now Harris wants to move too. To Massachusetts.

This would really hurt me, even if we weren't friends. I don't want to see him go. My best friend for four years would be leaving, and after Liza's sudden departure, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, my best female friend dropped me, partly for my "hanging" with Harris and he's gonna leave right after that? I know I sound really selfish, but my blog, my feelings, screw anybody who thinks I'm being selfish, because I want the best for all my friends, even the ones who aren't my best friends anymore. I don't want any more people leaving me. I lost Jimmy, and now Rory, and I'm praying I don't lose Steve, or any of the friends I met through Rory, which would really hurt.

A bunch of friends of mine have threatened to move at one point or another. Liza just left, Harris just now, I think Sheets wanted to go to Arizona, and Jimmy did too, Rory's transferring, Steve's already in Boston, Marina's gone, Aiyanna just came back from Vermont and may go back. It hurts, man. I don't want to see anyone go. I don't want thr group that isn't splitting up any more than we have to.

But as much as it hurts me, I've got to come to terms with the fact that if they want to go, they want to go. Liza's gonna rock out in Utah. Steve's probably really happy in Boston, and I wish Rory all the best, if she cares what I think, even if what I think is good. I would just miss them like crazy, more than they'd ever know.

The irony of all this is that I got dropped sort of because I hung with them, and now they're either gone or thinking about leaving. It's almost like the cosmos are sending me somewhere else entirely. And I know for a fact that I will miss them very much. But if they leave, they leave, and there's nothing to be done about it.

My main prayer of the year is that 2009 doesn't suck. It's only been a day and a half, so I won't know if that has been answered yet. So far, I'm going through 2009 without Rory, Liza, and Jimmy. I don't know if I could handle anybody else leaving. It'll just hurt too much.

It's really sad, because we all said we'd be friends forever, and we'd keep in contact and stuff. And what happened? We didn't. I'm not gonna speculate on whose faul it is that we didn't stick to each other, but either way, whoever did it, we still didn't stay friends. Whether this was because of backstabbing or moving or a fight turned war, either way.

I think my time within the group that isn't taught me something. I don't think I should hang all I know to my friends. Some things really have to be worked out on my own. Neutrality sometimes isn't an option, and when you say something regarding that neutrality, you have to make sure it checks with your conscience first. Holding grudges doesn't sit with me very well, and it never has. I think in order for me to hold a grudge, or at least a long lasting one, somebody's life has to be in the balance, or my life's got to literally hang in the balance. Nobody's life was hanging in the balance, only people's feelings toward other people. That's weird though. Both Rory and Harris were fighting, but Harris never asked us to choose. Sure, he tried getting her number, but he understood when I didn't give it to him.

I stopped writing and now I'm back. Stupid connection.

I just ate Ravioli. It wasn't half bad.

Midnight Sun rocks.

Anyway, Happy New Year.

My resolution is threefold.

1) Go back to dance class. Hip hop and ballet. Aside from weight loss, I've been wanting to get into hip hop ever since I got obsessed with America's BEst Dance Crew and I've needed to get back into ballet to work on skills I've lost since childhood.

2) Step back from relationship drama. I need to work on me. Plain and simple. I spent most of 2008 emotionally incapacitated by a guy who either didn't want me or just didn't care that I wanted him. Plus, when it comes to relationships, I want to learn how to be better. The last thing I need is to hurt someone like I did to Jimmy, or even to Sheets. And I don't want to prattle on to my friends about how someone hurt me. I've got to look at myself as me, not as another person would want me to be. I need to be alone right now.

3) Meet new people. New things are the spice of life. Also, make new friends. I never really tried to make a lot of friends. I'm going to try to be more sociable with people I don't know. Even if that means bein a little more sociable with my new Aristite like classmates. They all seem very nice, even if I get the feeling that they think I'm bipolar. I remember all of us saying we didn't want to meet new people, and now we're all split up.

Anyway, I'll edit this later. I'm tired.