i feel a giant rant coming on...people taking advantage of other people is so totalyl wrong...i have a new person to kill on the top ofmy list, and i cant wait to get back from florida to do it...i dont care about the reprocussions right now, he did a terrible thing to a person im close to, and even though my friend wanted it, the guy still did a terrible thing...i really dont like this dude whos at the top of my to kill list...hes done a really bad thing...and the person whos been wronged here doesnt seem to care...i ont know why im angrier about this than that person is...
my floridian getaway is winding down...i cant wait to see sheets when i get back...the day before my birthday! or maybe on my birthday...i just hope the world likes exactly wats been done to me down here...my sister kinda went bananas on ym hair...and it looks really cool, but my mom hates it...which adds a tiny bit to its coolness lol...roris seen it, she likes it, although she did say it was too short...it sucks cuz i was groeing out my hair too, and now i gotta start all over again...bleck...anyhoo...
my nephew loves me and rori toomuch, he barges into our hotel room and says can i stay here, meanwhile, he never listens to us...an m neice cries ALL the time when my sister isnt here and she cried so long and so loud, that i laughed so hard until i cried...
speaking of crying, m grades suck this year, i dont want to talk about it
now rori is arguing with me about the validity of my rant, she says shes disapointed, because its too short...and i choose to rant calmly...while watching roseanne...whatever
oh, viewers of this blog...whos he better disney princess, cinderella, or any other princess...oh, and is tinkerbell a princess?
i cant wait to see sheets on saturday...things have been going really well with that, and im like realy happy...plus, me and harris are okay...things are finally looking up for me, and now that im not worrying about fighting, i can actually discuss life and everything else besides the complications dating brings you...i hate that...i really like sheets tho...plus i dropped the three word bomb...and i think i really do mean it...the thing is, i wanna look to the future now, cuz im actually happy without strings attached to other feelings, but harris told me it would be forever, and i believed him...i dont wanna get hrt again...i dont wanna hurt him...at the same time i wanna go further with it...idk what to do...im torn between what i want to do and what i should do...u know what, ill leave this to him...
im all over the place now, but for this guy, ill take it over anything else...cuz i think hes worth it...not that any other guy wasnt worth it...lol u guys get me...
now rori needs the computer...ill get back to this later....
c ya l8r...oh yea 8s are hard my 8 key is broken its just this big squshy thing making the 8s go...lol
bye for now
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Who Knew / Kiss Me / Start Of Something New
well, things went to hell with harris again...things are fine now, i hope...i want things to be back to normal, but if it doesnt happen ill have to make my peace with it...hopefully we can remain friends, considering he keeps saying ginie and taskovas daughter are his best friends, even though i think ive been a good friend to him...he keeps telling me that sheets got the boring girl...even if hes joking it still bothers me, cuz being borings a realy big issue for me...he said i left the stench of monogamy in his mouth...bleck...oh yea...he also said i turned him bi...yes, my ex boyfriend, the one who i loved for nine months is bi...im okay with it, as long as he doesnt become very mean and diva like to me, ill be okay with it...hes trying for ginie again...honestly a tiny part of me is a bit iffy about it but for the most part ill be okay with it as long as he doesnt do the bad things he did with me with her...if he does that ill have to kick some ass lol
as for myself, other than the harris issues, which are beginning to disappear as life goes on, ive been doing pretty well...the sheets thing is progressing nicely lol...i dont remember the last time i was this content...my last few experiences with guys havent been the best...im actually happy...i like the feeling of happy...i think its nice...the thing is before i sorta knew i was loved, but it wasnt altogether tangible to me...i always felt invisible and stuff...its been a while since ive really felt the love...i actually said i love you...and meant it...i dont wanna throw myself into anything too fast, but its really hard not to...i feel a lot more safe, emotionally at least...cuz im not looking for the worst anymore...its easier for me now...now that i have nothing to atone for...i just have to kill the itty bitty demons left...i dont wanna leave the stench of monogamy in sheets's mouth...if hes likeed me for this long...i owe him that time...cuz i dont think i deserve such a decent guy, not after what ive put him thru...i guess i lucked out...and idk aout him, but everytme somebody talks about him, or im talking to him, either i start smiling inwardly, or i break out in this huge ass smile...the beginning is realy new to me, and i dont wanna screw anything up...i want to get this right this time around...now that i have a guy who knows pretty much all there is to know about me, and actually listens to me when i get mad...or sad, or happy or anything else...i trust him...i dont wanna go too fast but i like where we are now...oh yeah...he kissed me...single best kiss of my entire life, hands down...no exaggerating either...i may have virtually no experience with this, but i think so anyway...
my life finally seems to be coming together...a lot of what ive been worrying about over the last stretch of time seems to be resolving itself...im a little insecure about a few things, but i think i can handle it...
things are finally getting simpler...no more worrying about if the one i really care about is gonna get with my favorite cousin...mo more screaming matches about little things...no more pressure to go further than i want to, followed by either being called easy or boring...i wanna fix that tho, i hate being called both of those things...
onward, to other things...
im in florida with rori...having a blast...missing sheets like crazy, and rori misses steve...weve been talking about whats been respectively happening to us...her getting over steve, me and sheets (plus shes helping me persuade myself that what happened wasnt my fault, and i wont screw things up)...
we went on tower of terror, the aerosmith rollercoaster, mission space, this weird thing called the universe of energy (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it lol)...also this musical rendition of finding nemo (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it) space mountain, various magic kingdom rides...lol
i have also discovered i have a compulsive need to buy the official shirt of random things...it all started with my gollum shirt, then my jars of clay shirt, then my third day shirt, then my musical shirts (le miz, rent, POTO, wicked, and spring awakening) then my shirts from rides from disney (POTC, mission space, tower of terror)plus various other shirts...i need therapy...my name is eruaphadriel, and i am a compulsive shirt buyer...LMAO...
anyhoo...today i saw my nephew for the first time in forever, and my neice for the first time ever...they are absolutely adorable they were sad when they had to go to sleep cuz they love me so much...i miss sheets tho...lol...see i cant think of him without smiling inwardly lol... :-)
kk well imma gonna go now...immma go talk to rori...who says hello...
toodles
as for myself, other than the harris issues, which are beginning to disappear as life goes on, ive been doing pretty well...the sheets thing is progressing nicely lol...i dont remember the last time i was this content...my last few experiences with guys havent been the best...im actually happy...i like the feeling of happy...i think its nice...the thing is before i sorta knew i was loved, but it wasnt altogether tangible to me...i always felt invisible and stuff...its been a while since ive really felt the love...i actually said i love you...and meant it...i dont wanna throw myself into anything too fast, but its really hard not to...i feel a lot more safe, emotionally at least...cuz im not looking for the worst anymore...its easier for me now...now that i have nothing to atone for...i just have to kill the itty bitty demons left...i dont wanna leave the stench of monogamy in sheets's mouth...if hes likeed me for this long...i owe him that time...cuz i dont think i deserve such a decent guy, not after what ive put him thru...i guess i lucked out...and idk aout him, but everytme somebody talks about him, or im talking to him, either i start smiling inwardly, or i break out in this huge ass smile...the beginning is realy new to me, and i dont wanna screw anything up...i want to get this right this time around...now that i have a guy who knows pretty much all there is to know about me, and actually listens to me when i get mad...or sad, or happy or anything else...i trust him...i dont wanna go too fast but i like where we are now...oh yeah...he kissed me...single best kiss of my entire life, hands down...no exaggerating either...i may have virtually no experience with this, but i think so anyway...
my life finally seems to be coming together...a lot of what ive been worrying about over the last stretch of time seems to be resolving itself...im a little insecure about a few things, but i think i can handle it...
things are finally getting simpler...no more worrying about if the one i really care about is gonna get with my favorite cousin...mo more screaming matches about little things...no more pressure to go further than i want to, followed by either being called easy or boring...i wanna fix that tho, i hate being called both of those things...
onward, to other things...
im in florida with rori...having a blast...missing sheets like crazy, and rori misses steve...weve been talking about whats been respectively happening to us...her getting over steve, me and sheets (plus shes helping me persuade myself that what happened wasnt my fault, and i wont screw things up)...
we went on tower of terror, the aerosmith rollercoaster, mission space, this weird thing called the universe of energy (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it lol)...also this musical rendition of finding nemo (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it) space mountain, various magic kingdom rides...lol
i have also discovered i have a compulsive need to buy the official shirt of random things...it all started with my gollum shirt, then my jars of clay shirt, then my third day shirt, then my musical shirts (le miz, rent, POTO, wicked, and spring awakening) then my shirts from rides from disney (POTC, mission space, tower of terror)plus various other shirts...i need therapy...my name is eruaphadriel, and i am a compulsive shirt buyer...LMAO...
anyhoo...today i saw my nephew for the first time in forever, and my neice for the first time ever...they are absolutely adorable they were sad when they had to go to sleep cuz they love me so much...i miss sheets tho...lol...see i cant think of him without smiling inwardly lol... :-)
kk well imma gonna go now...immma go talk to rori...who says hello...
toodles
Sunday, January 13, 2008
See You Again
well...the thing with harris got fixed...i read his blog, but still everything is freaking fixed and thats freaking awesome...turns out it was this huge misunderstanding...i thought i had been given absolute truth, turns out i hadnt, and the people i have been trusting are the same people who would sell me out...and harris gave me the proof of that...i still have to see the rest of it, but the essential words are there...well after i showed him what i was told, and he told me what was actually going on (actually, i would have been completely blind to it had he not told me, and now that i know, believe it or not, i do feel better)
to respond to harris's blog, even though its been fixed, i kinda wanna say that it wasnt like i didnt have something to go on, and i thought i was being told the truth...the fact that i wasnt being told the truth was unknown to me, and i never would have said what i said had i been told the complete honest truth...
well, in the ensuing explosion of screaming right before the winter festival, we both said we wasted our i love you's...i wonder if he meant it was a mistake...cuz i said it cuz i was seriously pissed off, and that was what he said...i wonder if he thinks the last nine months was a mistake...that i wasnt worth all of this...i wouldnt blame him, but that would kill me...
and it would kinda screw me up for future relationships...cuz ill always be worried thatmaybe they think im this big drama filled waste of time...i dont like drama as much as the nezt person...its fun to watch, not fun to be in....but it hurts when people you care about think that you want drama, that you live for it....when honestly i dont...
i dont wanna say it follows me either...maybe drama always knows what im going to do...maybe its my very personality...maybe i need a personality transplant...or a drama protection program...heh
on a lighter note...i fixed my limewire...hello listening to sheets's songs without stealing his ipod...sorry about that sheets...just know that those days are nearly over...
this is prolly how you know you like another person...you cant not smile around them, no matter whats on your mind...even if its something small, they just put this smile on your face...
hopefully my own skeletons and ddemons dont get in the way of this way...hopefully i dont screw this up...maybe i wont...hopefully ive learned something from all of this...in more ways than one...
i cant wait till tomorrow...collosal smiles await...
to respond to harris's blog, even though its been fixed, i kinda wanna say that it wasnt like i didnt have something to go on, and i thought i was being told the truth...the fact that i wasnt being told the truth was unknown to me, and i never would have said what i said had i been told the complete honest truth...
well, in the ensuing explosion of screaming right before the winter festival, we both said we wasted our i love you's...i wonder if he meant it was a mistake...cuz i said it cuz i was seriously pissed off, and that was what he said...i wonder if he thinks the last nine months was a mistake...that i wasnt worth all of this...i wouldnt blame him, but that would kill me...
and it would kinda screw me up for future relationships...cuz ill always be worried thatmaybe they think im this big drama filled waste of time...i dont like drama as much as the nezt person...its fun to watch, not fun to be in....but it hurts when people you care about think that you want drama, that you live for it....when honestly i dont...
i dont wanna say it follows me either...maybe drama always knows what im going to do...maybe its my very personality...maybe i need a personality transplant...or a drama protection program...heh
on a lighter note...i fixed my limewire...hello listening to sheets's songs without stealing his ipod...sorry about that sheets...just know that those days are nearly over...
this is prolly how you know you like another person...you cant not smile around them, no matter whats on your mind...even if its something small, they just put this smile on your face...
hopefully my own skeletons and ddemons dont get in the way of this way...hopefully i dont screw this up...maybe i wont...hopefully ive learned something from all of this...in more ways than one...
i cant wait till tomorrow...collosal smiles await...
Monday, January 7, 2008
Will I Lose My Dignity?
thats my big question...is my relentless search for harris's forgiveness demeaning me as a person? is the very thing im searching for killing me in the process? well, i do know its killing me...i havent cried over him breaking up with me except right after...then i cry after school...i thought i was okay with this...i figured id be fine...damn my delayed reactions...i dont know what it is...its just that when i hear something bad, or something thats supposed to be bad...i let it go to my brain first, and let it ferment there for awhile...i can only imagine, had i let the its over from harris ffect me right away, i would have killed myself...then something triggers it, whether it be information that changes everything, inclding why i was okay with it in the first place...or if its just me thinking so much about it...the paranoia setting in...the logic setting in...yea, despite me being generally disheveled and crazy, im pretty logical...i tend to analyze a lot...id never analyze love (aka STEVE lol), but it kinda helps me...well, anyhow...i just keptthinking about it and thinking and thinking and the only thing that made sense wasnt actually ttrue, yet the truth makes very little sense...i find that rather odd..well anyhow, according to rori, ivve been deleted from harris's myspace...i dont think you delete a person unless you are rather sure that you will never see or speak to them again...
i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...
im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...
th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...
what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...
i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...
i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...
today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)
the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...
the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...
the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...
perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...
well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...
well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...
bye
i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...
im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...
th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...
what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...
i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...
i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...
today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)
the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...
the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...
the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...
perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...
well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...
well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...
bye
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Demons / Paranoia
okay...it appears ive made a tactical error here...apparently, harris really did care...now he hates me because i wrote the last blog...while blinded with anger...he thinks i really meant all of that...i didnt...had it all been true, i woulda gotten POed...
maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...
maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...
well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...
am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....
ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...
i dont wanna lose everyone...
now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...
at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...
im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...
im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...
maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...
maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...
well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...
am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....
ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...
i dont wanna lose everyone...
now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...
at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...
im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...
im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I Hate Everything About You / Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
harris is a dirty little liar...he didnt break up with me cuz we fought too much...communication hindrance my ass...he broke up with me, not only cuz he wanted his singleness back (yea finding that out from my mom wasnt a walk in the park for me), but because he wanted ginie back...he likes her, always did...he used me, then dropped me for my fifteen year old cousin...then set me up with sheets to make himself feel better...granted the set up with sheets part is the only part im thankful for...but the rest of it sucks...
ginie told me today...yesterday he told me he always liked her...and she told me today that he was trying to get with her even before he broke up with me...and the fat that she didnt tell me sooner hurts, but not too much i guess...i wonder how long hes been trying to get with my fifteen year old cousin...i thought id be okay with it, bu im not...im alright with them going out, im not alright with the fact that my little cousin would then be going out with the biggest liar ever...hes a dirty little liar and it hurts that a guy who took my first kiss from me, is lying to me all because he wants a younger, prettier girl...everything that was wrong about us all goes back to the simple fact that he wanted her, liked her, perhaps loved her...and all he got was me...
they deserve each other...i dont blame her, its not her fault that to harris, shes better than me...ive lived a lie for nine months and i hate mself cuz i saw this coming but couldnt quite put my finger on it..now i know...the upside is, i now know, not only that im not crazy, but that i can prolly spot an asshole from a mile off...
god bless them both...and good riddance...
the sad thing was i really did love him...i put everything into this...readers of past blogs would know that...and this is how he repays me...by not even sparing me a passsing glance while he guiltlessly takes on my cousin...i hate that...all the times he said hed never look at her that way....and then he told everyone what we did...that was something i didnt want everyone to know...now the world knows...
i dont want to, but im crying over this...i hate him...more than anything...i let him hurt me, i let him do this to me...i let him delude me by listening to him say that he loved me...i let him do this to me...he made it so i have nothing left to give...
any love that i could have possibly felt, that wasnt entirely extingushed by the fact that it prolly wouldnt have worked out anyway...is entirely replaced by the most crushing hatred i could eveer feel for anyone who said that they loved me...now i know never to take the words of any guy and put a positive spin to them...never to believe the words and lies of any guy and believe that this one will be different...never to take the promises and believe that he would ever keep them in this lifetime...god knows...i gave this bastard everything, and i have nothing to show for it except huge blowups, some lies and more tears than i can count...
at least i know my karma finally came...its a relief actually, to know that ive gotten paid back...i can feel the hurt too...
so thank you, joseph harris, for giving me what i deserve...
ginie told me today...yesterday he told me he always liked her...and she told me today that he was trying to get with her even before he broke up with me...and the fat that she didnt tell me sooner hurts, but not too much i guess...i wonder how long hes been trying to get with my fifteen year old cousin...i thought id be okay with it, bu im not...im alright with them going out, im not alright with the fact that my little cousin would then be going out with the biggest liar ever...hes a dirty little liar and it hurts that a guy who took my first kiss from me, is lying to me all because he wants a younger, prettier girl...everything that was wrong about us all goes back to the simple fact that he wanted her, liked her, perhaps loved her...and all he got was me...
they deserve each other...i dont blame her, its not her fault that to harris, shes better than me...ive lived a lie for nine months and i hate mself cuz i saw this coming but couldnt quite put my finger on it..now i know...the upside is, i now know, not only that im not crazy, but that i can prolly spot an asshole from a mile off...
god bless them both...and good riddance...
the sad thing was i really did love him...i put everything into this...readers of past blogs would know that...and this is how he repays me...by not even sparing me a passsing glance while he guiltlessly takes on my cousin...i hate that...all the times he said hed never look at her that way....and then he told everyone what we did...that was something i didnt want everyone to know...now the world knows...
i dont want to, but im crying over this...i hate him...more than anything...i let him hurt me, i let him do this to me...i let him delude me by listening to him say that he loved me...i let him do this to me...he made it so i have nothing left to give...
any love that i could have possibly felt, that wasnt entirely extingushed by the fact that it prolly wouldnt have worked out anyway...is entirely replaced by the most crushing hatred i could eveer feel for anyone who said that they loved me...now i know never to take the words of any guy and put a positive spin to them...never to believe the words and lies of any guy and believe that this one will be different...never to take the promises and believe that he would ever keep them in this lifetime...god knows...i gave this bastard everything, and i have nothing to show for it except huge blowups, some lies and more tears than i can count...
at least i know my karma finally came...its a relief actually, to know that ive gotten paid back...i can feel the hurt too...
so thank you, joseph harris, for giving me what i deserve...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
crushcrushcrush
i named my blog this for many different reasons...one...i love this song and can listen to it multiple times without getting tired...two....it kinda applies to me...im not disclosing the name...but everybodys been ragging on me for it, even harris, who just broke up with me...hell, hes encouraging it...anyhow...im all sorts of confused right now...oh well...who knew the beginning was so hard? at least with harris it was easy...hes like my best friend and stuff...then when i started going out with him this guy was...just...all sorts of there...and i kinda like him now...even though im pretty late with this...and everybody kinda knows it...
its weird...i cant keep the smile off my face anymore...ud think i wouldnt be smiling, considering that harris kinda ended it quite abruptly...the scary thing is that its fine with me...
i dont wanna say im not hurt over what happened, i kinda am, but its okay...i was the reciever of the breakup, theres nothing i can do about it, if he didnt want to be with me, then its oky, cuz if i love im, id want him to be happy, and if hes happy then it ending isnt the problem...at the same time, i wanna be happy too, and now i am...i just dont wanna screw it up...
well, whatever happens, happens...
its weird...i cant keep the smile off my face anymore...ud think i wouldnt be smiling, considering that harris kinda ended it quite abruptly...the scary thing is that its fine with me...
i dont wanna say im not hurt over what happened, i kinda am, but its okay...i was the reciever of the breakup, theres nothing i can do about it, if he didnt want to be with me, then its oky, cuz if i love im, id want him to be happy, and if hes happy then it ending isnt the problem...at the same time, i wanna be happy too, and now i am...i just dont wanna screw it up...
well, whatever happens, happens...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
It's All Over / What's Left Of Me
its over...actually over...me and harris no longer go out...before the audience of AWWWWWWWWs come in, its okay...im okay...im fine...more than fine actually...im feeling pretty good about the whole thing...okay heres where it all starts...
well, this morning, i come into school, all happyand stuff...i say hi to rori and he most dejected harris ive ever seen...i kid around like i normally do, but not even that pisses him off enough to get him to stop freaking me out...then i sit down next to him, and he just says we need to talk...im already freaking out, i know something bad is coming...im like are you dying...he says no...im like am i in trouble, he says no, we both are...that bothered me to no end...he just kept repeating we fight way too much...eventually it clicks...hes breaking up with me...initially...i freak out...like a lot...hysterical crying...im not too proud of the way i reacted...oh well that isnt important...anyhoo...eventh period rolls around...ive cried for six periods straight...i skipped math cuz i couldnt take it...well, seventh, me and harris are totally avoiding each other...in a flurry of notes delivered by sheetts and himself, i got to say what i had to sa, and ear his side too...the period ends...we talk in person...we settle it all...no sooner are we in wendys when harris starts pushing for me and sheets...honestly...i gave that a lot of thought...id actually like that...i need a bit of time first...i dont wanna rush anything..but i wouldnt mind that one bit...not one itty bitty bit...hes a really nice guy....but to be honest, i dont wanna do to him what i did to jimmy...i dont wanna screw it up like i did with harris...ive already screwed up too much...i dont wanna screw things up anymore...
im so being way more careful with everything...when i let my guard down, was when it ended...i dont wanna be a person who my best friend breaks up with...at the same time i wanna be able to get past all of this...and i think i am...im actually okay...
u know that song from wicked, thank goodness "i couldnt be happier"...well, im couldnt be sadder either...which is okay i guess...well, maybe its all for the best...
on lighter notes...me and rori got this french solo...im the mezzo...yay
bye guys...from single eruaphadriel
well, this morning, i come into school, all happyand stuff...i say hi to rori and he most dejected harris ive ever seen...i kid around like i normally do, but not even that pisses him off enough to get him to stop freaking me out...then i sit down next to him, and he just says we need to talk...im already freaking out, i know something bad is coming...im like are you dying...he says no...im like am i in trouble, he says no, we both are...that bothered me to no end...he just kept repeating we fight way too much...eventually it clicks...hes breaking up with me...initially...i freak out...like a lot...hysterical crying...im not too proud of the way i reacted...oh well that isnt important...anyhoo...eventh period rolls around...ive cried for six periods straight...i skipped math cuz i couldnt take it...well, seventh, me and harris are totally avoiding each other...in a flurry of notes delivered by sheetts and himself, i got to say what i had to sa, and ear his side too...the period ends...we talk in person...we settle it all...no sooner are we in wendys when harris starts pushing for me and sheets...honestly...i gave that a lot of thought...id actually like that...i need a bit of time first...i dont wanna rush anything..but i wouldnt mind that one bit...not one itty bitty bit...hes a really nice guy....but to be honest, i dont wanna do to him what i did to jimmy...i dont wanna screw it up like i did with harris...ive already screwed up too much...i dont wanna screw things up anymore...
im so being way more careful with everything...when i let my guard down, was when it ended...i dont wanna be a person who my best friend breaks up with...at the same time i wanna be able to get past all of this...and i think i am...im actually okay...
u know that song from wicked, thank goodness "i couldnt be happier"...well, im couldnt be sadder either...which is okay i guess...well, maybe its all for the best...
on lighter notes...me and rori got this french solo...im the mezzo...yay
bye guys...from single eruaphadriel
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