Go All The Way (Into The Twilight)

Waiting for Rory to get out of work.

Bored. Slightly confused. Madly in love with Twilight. May go the fanfic route. I already have a kickass idea that I've trawled through endless fanfics to see if it's been taken. It hasn't. This is scary. I wrote about LOST, and soon Twilight. My LotR stuff always sucked. Maybe I could try that again. But I don't want to. Not right now.

This does NOT mean that I'm not a Tolkienite. I totally am. It's just....I've grown up significantly. I can be obsessed with different things. I miss my LOTRness though. It reminds me of who I was before I started making emotional messes of myself. Tolkien is still my favorite writer, and LOTR is still my favorite movie. But as for books...Breaking Dawn is up there, as is The Chronicles of Narnia. I need to reread LOTR. Remind myself of the person I was. Still am, under all the stress.

My favorite character is probably Jacob. Don't get me wrong, I know that Bella belongs with Edward, but Jacob stood by her. The whole time, even through a slightly fatal pregnancy. And I was happy that he found his true love. Even though that was the girl he previously loved's daughter. Imprinting it was called. Circle of life I guess.

It made me think, really. The concept that someone is out there for you, waiting for you, from before you're even born. That no matter what, they're always going to be there, because they can't bear to be without you. The thought of leaving the person you love would be painful for you, like ripping off a limb. It's a little sick that some of those wolves imprinted on kids, and Jacob imprinted on Nessie when she was born (albeit she was gonna grow up faster to catch up anyway), but in a twisted way, it's romantic. With a biological tie to another person, you'd never really be alone. Would you?

Now that I'm done speculating on destined romance, which I'm not even sure I believe in, I'm gonna just ramble about life.

I am currently finishing off chapter 27, and I may pick up a fanfic I've been thinking about in my head. I'm not sure how the book is coming, but my readers (Harris and Sheets, but mostly Sheets, I don't think Harris reads mine) seem to enjoy it. Sheets likes to bug me on what's going to happen next. Which I find funny, because I just write as it comes. I don't mind it though. It helps me think. Not many things Sheets does bothers me anymore. It's almost amusing. I think I've even picked up his apologizing habit. He was like if you apologize one more time I'm gonna hit you. That was Rory too. Maybe it's one or the other. I always forget.

Rory asked if he'd talk to Jimmy yesterday. From what she told me this morning, they're going to talk, and I absolutely positively cannot be there. She said he has a hold over me. Something like that. I'm not so sure how strong this alleged hold is, actually. I believe her, no doubt, considering the tears I've shed over the last couple of weeks. The friend I lost. I'm not saying he jumped into my subconscious and made me destroy my friendship with Liza, but if I hadn't felt like I owed him, maybe I wouldn't have done it. Maybe i would have been able to explain to Liza that my fight wasn't with her, it was because I owed him the pain I'd caused him.

Maybe that's why I apologize so much now, to Sheets and Rory. I don't want to hurt them, I seriously trust them both with my life. Especially Sheets and Rory. I can't decide who I'd trust more. Equal is as equal does.

I hope this all works out. That everybody gets to be happy.

If only I hadn't been guilted however long ago into believing that all of his suffering was my fault. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to apologize to everyone. Rory said herself that he sees things on a different scale. Harris said something similar. If Sheets said something about it, I don't remember now. He did say that he's going to make sure Jimmy isn't hurt by anything. Which is a relatively noble cause, I can't judge him for that. Then again, I don't really judge him for much. I'm not sure if I ever have, besides his crazy addiction to Light my Candle. He's got like twelve recordings now. Twelve! Random in every sense.

I wish I could help make Jimmy's pain go away, but my doing that apparently makes it worse. So per Rory's words, I'll stay away from that conversation. I've got to.

Maybe that's what will fix it.

On another topic, I'm sure I've captured "weird girl" in CUNY Honors perfectly. Either that. or they just don't like me. Or they think people who live in Queens are weird. but that's impossible, considering a bunch of them are from Townsend Harris. A Queens school. Curiouser and curiouser. Maybe they just don't like hyper people.

Today in acting, I turned off my hyperness. I'm playing a really old lady for my final, and he's telling me I have to be very very slow, and very very deliberate with my movements and my words. It wasn't as hard when I did Berthe. And he knew it was hard too. My scene partner did too. The whole class did. They were trying to help me say something I truly believed. I believe in God, and that I'm saved and all that, but if I said that and didn't sound convincing...In church, those are the words that matter. And I'm not messing them up, despite the lovely example I've been. One girl asked me if I'd make it through college, and if I believed it. I said I hoped so. Heh. I don't believe in anything. Sort of.

I've got to come in Fridays. No way around it. Drat.

Crap. I'm stuck doing housework today. Damn. I'm just going to grit my teeth and wait for my two weeks of long earned freedom. Which I bet won't be free, so I'm trying my very best to not look forward to having the house all to myself.

Speaking of which, Max had to go. He apparently has a better life now. He's still alive, but he's waiting for a new family. I hope he misses us, but not enough that he'll be sad. And I hope he remembers the kids.

Well, that's all for now.

Toodleloo.