Shadow of the Day (tentative title, may change)

Hello.

First and most important thing first. Rory has officially dropped me. Which hurts, but considering how Harris is virtually unforgivable, I assume my situation fares no better. All I know is that she thinks my definition of friendship and hers are just too different for us to fuction as friends anymore, so that's it. Apparently this is because I hung out with Liza and Harris last Sunday, even though by the time I'd IMed her to say hi, he had already been gone. So all I was really doing was hanging out with Liza and Ruben, and I didn't quite have the time to explain that.

My stance on Harris in general was that if he hurt me like he did before, I would drop him, no questions. But given his explanation to what happened with Jonathan, and taking into consideration what I saw when Jonathan and Ruben were all over each other, I made a judgement call that nobody had really done anything wrong, so I saw no problem in ending my part in the fight. Grudges to me are poison.

I can't hold a decent grudge for anything more than an hour. I feel like I'd rather forgive someone and be disappointed every once in a while, than cut myself off from them and lose a good friend. Sheets has hurt me too, but I didn't drop him either. Granted, I couldn't at the time, but I still wouldn't have, and I'm very happy he's still my friend.

Speaking of Sheets, upon reading his blog, that's it for any sort of romantic connection. I am more okay with this than I have ever thought possible. I'm so surprisingly okay with this that I have shocked myself. Three reasons on my side:

1) Jimmy is still one of my best friends, even if I can't exactly pinpoint what one thing I did wrong, I want to respect what he has to say.
2) If Rory's not friends with me, I wouldn't want to date one of her friends and make it harder for her to forget me. I won't make anything harder for anyone.
3) I'm done waiting for things that I know aren't going to happen. To be honest, I was a little hopeful about all of this, but there are certain sagas I would now rather leave a mystery.

Waiting around only wastes time apparently. From now on, no more dating friends, no more dating close friends. I need someone who likes me for me, and can take the good with the bad and all that other stuff. I'm pretty forthcoming with my flaws, so whoever this unlucky soul is will know what they're getting into.

Now that I've mentioned Jimmy, aparently everybody knows his issue with me save for me. I've got some ideas, but they won't tell me, because I've got to find out myself. Even Sheets's sister Sammy texted me, indignant of my ignorance. Way to send the relatives on me. Sammy's cool though, so it's okay. I've done a bunch of bad things to him, and I remember how much I've hurt him. I've also stressed the fact that I want to fix things with him. I want to b his friend, a better friend than I was to him in the past. I want to be a better friend to all the friends I have left.

It's funny, because Harris actually said a while ago that I'd be the next one to get dropped out of the group, and he was right. His predictions are almost never right. I happened to be with Liza and Ruben when Rory dropped me, and she told Harris, who sounded furious when he randomly called me. That's the sad thing. No matter how untrustworthy Harris was and how much he lied, he never dropped me, proving that he has been better. Believing anybody is hard, because as much as you can't trust someone who lies, someone who tells the truth and drops you is

To me, grudges hurt everybody involved and I'd rather set myself up for disappointment than block all potential pain out. My most valuable lessons have come from pain. Most of the things I have learned about relationships have come from the long, dragged out bickering with Harris, and the heart-wrenching pain from the unrequited Sheets thing. I'm just glad I'm not the mess of second term senior year. I know about unrequitedness too. That's why Jimmy's pain breaks my heart.

I want to be his friend. I also want to stay friends with Steve and Sheets. Hopefully we still can, in light of recent events.

I'm gonna go now. I guess I'll feel better soon.

Bye, if anybody actually is gonna read this now that I'm not actually in the group anymore.

Either way, goodbye.