Go for It!

Thanks to Sheets, I've been downloading game soundtracks. It's lots of fun. This song is from the original Kingdom Hearts soundtrack. Whee. I've got both KHs, two Katamari Damacy's, Sonic Heroes, including the vocal mix, and Burnout and Need for Speed Underground. LOL.

Anyway, according to Rory's actual words and Sheets's blog, which has written words, Jimmy has stated that he dosn't care what I do. Rory even stated that because the guy in question was somebody he knew and cared about, he didn't care as much. Had it been Harris on the other hand...actually, now that I think of it, if it had been Harris, he wouldnt have evn asked, he would have just done it. And while I'm in this situation for doing the right thing, I'd rather me hurting than him.

Which leaves this whole situation out of his hands. Therefore, this isn't something Jimmy can control anymore. So who does? Who plays their next card? If I had the guts, it would probably be me. But I don't have the guts or the spine. RElationshipwise, I'v always been the person to be more laid back, to not make the desicions. To me, that was the guy's thing. Either this is because I'm generally laid back, or it's because I'm a coward. I don't think I'm a coward in anything else, besides ice skating (Rory, Jonathan, we never speak of that again. I want to go abck to clear my good name).

Jonathan said something on the ice skating rink that's really stuck with me. He said I'm always taking the safe route. This was because I didn't want to fall on my ass. I had a bad experience on the practice roller rink a few years ago, leaving me unable to sit down for nearly a week, and spraining my arm, leaving me in pain for a good month. Ice is blah to me. I've got no issues with water, it's ice. (damn, I'm an idiot.) Either way, I believe I've stuck myself in a rut. I've got to do something about this. And as much as I want to bring up where Jimmy's extraction from this leaves us, I don't want to ruin anything. On the other hand, I'm sick of teetertottering.

Rory said that people can take breaks from their significant other. Not breaking up, a la Ross and Rachel (heh), but more like taking time for other people, and establishing your own person. I've actually never done that, and it's an interesting concept. I never did that while with Harris, but that was partly because I felt like I didnt need it. Well, I needed it. Badly. And I know now. I know all the things that both Harris and SHeets said I did wrong, even if Harris was being a jerk and Rory's disproved Sheets's points. And I know not to do that anymore.

o0o! My project ROCKED. Everybodys aid it was entertaining.

OMG! Kristen Chenoweth on FRASIER? Awesome.

Hopefully I make my GPA.

MY two finals are on Monday.

Tales of Symphonia day is today. Whee. Me as Sheena, Harris as Genis (I think), Jonathan as Zelos/Kratos (I think), Sheets as Collet (That much I do know) and Sammy as Presea (Kickass character, I wish my personality was like hers. I've got Sheena the ninja, though. So no worries.)

Got Guitar Hero for the DS. I'm getting better at it. I nearly did "This Love" perfectly. And I did "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" on MEDIUM my first day with it.

OMG. Britney Spears on Will & Grace? That's funny.

Annelis and I got into Real Chance of Love. We both hate this one evil girl, Bay Bay Bay. And I joined VH1 specifically to bombard their pages with questions and long words to see if they're actually competent. Because I don't think they are.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave now. I've got to get ready for Tales of Symphonia Day.

It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish

I'm kind of mad.

I want an industrial. Badly. Harris has one, Rory's got a nose piercing and one on her ear. I have been bitching about the industrial since I was about fourteen. It's my body, why can't I make desicions about it? Answer, because my mom says so. Melanie was saying that the industrial would get wrapped around my hair and it would pull on me while I sleep. I have already said I'd be willing to cut my hair to maintain the thing. I've said it a lot. I've even been looking for haircuts. But no. She says befoe I even think of cutting it, I've got to condition it, because it can't be cut right now. Wouldn't my hair be better off short, so I can take care of it better?

She said Rory was having an identity crisis because she got her nose and ear done and dyed her hair. Seriously? Then what was Melanie having? An identity lobotomy? What the hell? What about Liza and Harris? They did it because they liked it. And Harris and I had always said we'd get one. Too bad he totally broke the pact and got one on his own.

Melanie's telling me she can get my mom to agree to something that isn't an industrial. I want an industrial though, so it really isn't fair.

I can't even dye my hair anymore, because she says it'll damage. It will, but that's besides the point. I've put a dye bottle to my head a grand total of maybe five or six times. That is not enough to damage it the way the salon people said it was. Meanwhile, my mother has rerlaxed her hair every two weeks for most of my childhood, and her hair is less damaged? Really? Maybe the salon people were just trying to get a little more out of the eighteen year old with lots of hair. You think that's more likely? I think so. But she'll never see it that way, because I don't plan, so the way I do things is wrong. The way I decide to treat my own newly legal body is wrong.

And then she wonders why I don't talk to her about anything. Why I always seem angry at her. Why I don't want to even tell her the details of my day anymore. Because every time I have an exceptionally good day, I go home and have to aquaint myself with the fact that as soon as I walk in, the day is over. Because she kept at the "your straight friend yu like is gay" joke until I lost it. And she didn't even accept that it bothered me. All she said was that I've suddenly got very sensitive. And that really hurts me.

She likes to tell people that I never tell her anything, that I'm the difficult one. I know I'm difficult. I do not deny that. But I'm not going to apologize when someone doesn't take my feelings into consideration. I got angry for a reason, and she can't say "I'm sorry I upset you," instead of "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." All she says is that she's sorry I got upset, but she was the one who was right, and I shouldn't have gotten so upset.

She even tells me who to date, who I should and shouldn't have feelings for. She said I can't date Harris or Jonathan, which is funny, because they're together. I don't care, but if this whole situation materializes, I'm telling her the truth. I am not going to lie about it.

Everybodys suggested for me to move out. But go where? She'd have me check in wherever I am.

If I'm supposed to grow up, be a responsible adult, and make my own informed desicions, how can I do it with adults guiding me the whole way through?

~* ~*~*~

On to lighter matters.

I did my presentation. God, help me, hope I do well.

Got new, green headphones.

Finals coming up. Aaack. Scary.

Mel's been staying with me. At least there's somebody to talk to. I nearly told her I'd been engaged. But something tells me she'd sell me out. Adults and all.

Anyway, goodbye.

Supermassive Black Hole

Hey, everyone.

I LOVE my Twilight soundtrack. MY dad surprised me with it today, before we went to go see The Day The Earth Stood Still. I read in the RENT as Religion fanfic that Keanu Reeves can't act his way out of a wet paper bag. Well, I disagree. He can't act his way out of a wet plastic bag. That's better than a paper bag, but it's still really robotic. He does the same kind of movies and stuff. He's either some sort of being foreign to the Earth, or a human sent into a machine.

This song is by Muse and I loves it so. It's the scene where the vampires are playing thunder baseball.

As to the events of this weekend, I will speak of them as I think of them.

I went to the Cleveland concert and heard the mixed bag that was the acapella Bohemian Rhapsody.  Due to earlier emotional stress and the sheer happiness of being reunited with my dear singing friends, I cried into Ruben and Alan when I saw them, and wouldn't let Ruben go for a long while. I feel terrible for being so needy. Ruben, Alan, if you ever find this blog, sorry about that.

Harris is missing in action. Jonathan informed me of this yesterday. After helping him search around for him and turning up nothing, he's still gone. I'm a little worried, to tell the truth. Whenever he disappears, it's because he lost his phone, and then he gets online to inform the world that the thing is gone. Now, he's just gone. It's weird. *milk carton side: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HARRIS?*

Jimmy is still not speaking to me. What's worse, I've been kept out of certain hangout situations involving him so as not to start a fight. It really hurts me actually. I did exactly what he told me to do. I told him that I liked someone, told him exactly who, even told him what had happened (which amounted, and still amounts, to NADA.). ANd he ended up doing EXACTLY what I expected he'd do, get mad at me and say I didn't care about him. And hes forbidding David to speak to me. I'm the only one now without a way to contact him, because Jimmy's number one rule is that David not speak to me, and Rory was like it's not a good idea. It blows because he acts like I'm a child and I can't speak to who I want...or I can't like who I want, or that I can even choose who I have feelings for. I don't think I'd even choose differently if I could. 

As it's a day later since I've addressed this interenet window, I'd liek to say that at Rory's bidding, I'm not allowed to talk to Jimmy. This bothers me, but what can I do? I want him to be happy. 

Rory and Harris are on a very weird kind of stable ground. Which is good. I have nothing more to say about it, besides...nope, the whole thing is their business. 

I present my project tomorrow. MY beloved laptop will venture out of the house tomorrow. God, that scares me. And another group needs it, which bothers me. Oh well, what can you do? I can be nice. Amina and Vemal can use my laptop if they want. 

I present my project today.

Good luck and godspeed to me. 

Taking my laptop to school today. Ack, thats creepy.

Apparently Rory and Sheets talked to Jimmy. And he doesn't care what I do. So this is out of his hands. I don't know if I should ask where that leaves everything, or if I should wait it out. FOr now, I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna pressure anybody to do anything. 

Melanie did my hair today. She tied it up and put pins in it. Ack. Oh well, what can you do?

I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

I guess I'll figure it all out. 

Class

Pissed off, but not really.

My classes rock, the times suck.

Monday- 1100 has me at Intro to Psych, then waiting two hours till 215, when ill be in english 2. An if is chorus at 630-910.

Here's where it starts sucking.

Tuesday- 930 is People, Power,, and Politics, then a good four hour wait till the peopling of NYC. Ten minutes later, I've got intro to creative writing which ends at 455.

Wednesday- see Monday.

Thursday- people of NYC at 215, and creative writing, and im out by 455. Same as I've got now.

Friday- People, Power, and Politics. Again. 930-1045. This angers me, as I was of fridays, and now I'm not. I guess I'll live, though. I've got to.

Either way, this blows.

Goodbye. I have class.

Go All The Way (Into The Twilight)

Waiting for Rory to get out of work.

Bored. Slightly confused. Madly in love with Twilight. May go the fanfic route. I already have a kickass idea that I've trawled through endless fanfics to see if it's been taken. It hasn't. This is scary. I wrote about LOST, and soon Twilight. My LotR stuff always sucked. Maybe I could try that again. But I don't want to. Not right now.

This does NOT mean that I'm not a Tolkienite. I totally am. It's just....I've grown up significantly. I can be obsessed with different things. I miss my LOTRness though. It reminds me of who I was before I started making emotional messes of myself. Tolkien is still my favorite writer, and LOTR is still my favorite movie. But as for books...Breaking Dawn is up there, as is The Chronicles of Narnia. I need to reread LOTR. Remind myself of the person I was. Still am, under all the stress.

My favorite character is probably Jacob. Don't get me wrong, I know that Bella belongs with Edward, but Jacob stood by her. The whole time, even through a slightly fatal pregnancy. And I was happy that he found his true love. Even though that was the girl he previously loved's daughter. Imprinting it was called. Circle of life I guess.

It made me think, really. The concept that someone is out there for you, waiting for you, from before you're even born. That no matter what, they're always going to be there, because they can't bear to be without you. The thought of leaving the person you love would be painful for you, like ripping off a limb. It's a little sick that some of those wolves imprinted on kids, and Jacob imprinted on Nessie when she was born (albeit she was gonna grow up faster to catch up anyway), but in a twisted way, it's romantic. With a biological tie to another person, you'd never really be alone. Would you?

Now that I'm done speculating on destined romance, which I'm not even sure I believe in, I'm gonna just ramble about life.

I am currently finishing off chapter 27, and I may pick up a fanfic I've been thinking about in my head. I'm not sure how the book is coming, but my readers (Harris and Sheets, but mostly Sheets, I don't think Harris reads mine) seem to enjoy it. Sheets likes to bug me on what's going to happen next. Which I find funny, because I just write as it comes. I don't mind it though. It helps me think. Not many things Sheets does bothers me anymore. It's almost amusing. I think I've even picked up his apologizing habit. He was like if you apologize one more time I'm gonna hit you. That was Rory too. Maybe it's one or the other. I always forget.

Rory asked if he'd talk to Jimmy yesterday. From what she told me this morning, they're going to talk, and I absolutely positively cannot be there. She said he has a hold over me. Something like that. I'm not so sure how strong this alleged hold is, actually. I believe her, no doubt, considering the tears I've shed over the last couple of weeks. The friend I lost. I'm not saying he jumped into my subconscious and made me destroy my friendship with Liza, but if I hadn't felt like I owed him, maybe I wouldn't have done it. Maybe i would have been able to explain to Liza that my fight wasn't with her, it was because I owed him the pain I'd caused him.

Maybe that's why I apologize so much now, to Sheets and Rory. I don't want to hurt them, I seriously trust them both with my life. Especially Sheets and Rory. I can't decide who I'd trust more. Equal is as equal does.

I hope this all works out. That everybody gets to be happy.

If only I hadn't been guilted however long ago into believing that all of his suffering was my fault. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to apologize to everyone. Rory said herself that he sees things on a different scale. Harris said something similar. If Sheets said something about it, I don't remember now. He did say that he's going to make sure Jimmy isn't hurt by anything. Which is a relatively noble cause, I can't judge him for that. Then again, I don't really judge him for much. I'm not sure if I ever have, besides his crazy addiction to Light my Candle. He's got like twelve recordings now. Twelve! Random in every sense.

I wish I could help make Jimmy's pain go away, but my doing that apparently makes it worse. So per Rory's words, I'll stay away from that conversation. I've got to.

Maybe that's what will fix it.

On another topic, I'm sure I've captured "weird girl" in CUNY Honors perfectly. Either that. or they just don't like me. Or they think people who live in Queens are weird. but that's impossible, considering a bunch of them are from Townsend Harris. A Queens school. Curiouser and curiouser. Maybe they just don't like hyper people.

Today in acting, I turned off my hyperness. I'm playing a really old lady for my final, and he's telling me I have to be very very slow, and very very deliberate with my movements and my words. It wasn't as hard when I did Berthe. And he knew it was hard too. My scene partner did too. The whole class did. They were trying to help me say something I truly believed. I believe in God, and that I'm saved and all that, but if I said that and didn't sound convincing...In church, those are the words that matter. And I'm not messing them up, despite the lovely example I've been. One girl asked me if I'd make it through college, and if I believed it. I said I hoped so. Heh. I don't believe in anything. Sort of.

I've got to come in Fridays. No way around it. Drat.

Crap. I'm stuck doing housework today. Damn. I'm just going to grit my teeth and wait for my two weeks of long earned freedom. Which I bet won't be free, so I'm trying my very best to not look forward to having the house all to myself.

Speaking of which, Max had to go. He apparently has a better life now. He's still alive, but he's waiting for a new family. I hope he misses us, but not enough that he'll be sad. And I hope he remembers the kids.

Well, that's all for now.

Toodleloo.

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

Today is Jani's party.

Happy birthday, Jani. 

I found a kickass study abroad program that I am going to ask my mom and my guidance person about. 

Hopefully they cover it and my mom has no qualms about sending me to Romania for three weeks.

Whee.

I feel a little better about everything. I'm not hung up over waiting for an answer from anyone anymore. I know now to expect absolutely nothing from anyone that will get me hurt if I expect a lot and get nothing. I've got no issues with fighting with people that are wrong when I am right. 

Take my fight with Liza, which isn't really a fight. I know I didn't betray her, and I know that I tried to stay out of it. I also know that I'm not fake. I hope I'm not anyway. I believe that I'm not.

Also, take my fight with Jimmy. I know I didn't betray him by being friends with Liza, or admitting I liked Sheets, for that matter. I also know that I am not a little girl, and I don't need to ask permission to date anyone, or to like anyone, or to be friends with anyone, or anything of that sort. He's not my mom. I'm an adult and all, but she's my mom and due to that whole parental thing, for certain things, I do listen to her. Sometimes she is right, and sometimes she's okay. Like the time she let me drink. Hee. But to ask Jimmy like whatever I do causes him pain? I never meant to hurt him, and I've tried to make things up to him. I'm beginning to realize that nothing will ever make him get the fact that I have tried to do whatever I could to make things better. Short of becoming a nun, I don't see that happening. 

Now I'm kind of sad. 

The blog title is random, because this blog is random. And I needed to vent. And the fight with Jimmy and the what the hell about the whole relationship situation isn't something I want to talk about right now. Even though I've been dealing pretty well.

I don't want to be depressing any longer.

When I Grow Up

Doll Domination ROCKZ.

My favorite song right now is I Hate This Part. Expect a blog named after it. 

Jimmy IMed me, but I was on the train or sleeping, so I didn't get it. He wants to talk to me. 

I'm not sure how to handle this. Liza isn't talking to me, so there goes that complication. My relationship life isn't going very far right now, and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I do have to start focusing. Showing the program that I care about being there, and not just for the money.

What he's put me through isn't fair. It's really not. It's reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. Both sides of the "fighting but not fighting" have seen me break down just a couple inches more every time. 

What he says hurts. 

I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I did the "right thing" and told him how I felt about somebody else. He said it didn't matter what I did, or who I dated, just that I told him and didn't allow him to get blindsided because I felt he couldn't handle it. Then when he finds out he ostracizes me because I didn't tell him the truth. At last I took the advice of my friends and valued his opinion. Now a very close friend of mine won't speak to me because she thinks I'm fake for protecting him, when he really doesn't deserve it. Does he?

Does he deserve to sabotage me because I made him miserable?

Do I not deserve to come out and say who I like without consequences because he doesn't want me to be happy?

Everyday

I've decided I'm going to update this blog whenever I can. Even if I've got nothing to say. Just because I'm writing doesn't mean I've lost the right to vent whatever feelings I have, and I can say how my day went. Thingss like that.

Anyway, yesterday, Rory told my mom how far back this whole shebang goes. She didn't say why this whole shebang is going on though. Thank God.

In the words of Gandalf: "The board is set, and the pieces are moving."

The only thing is, how do we know if Frodo's still alive?

What's the point of fighting if the cause is dead, and the evil people have the Ring? Why keep on with the drama if there aren't two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness? What are we helping?

Someone tells me that, and I'm all for it. Till then, I will mourn the loss of Frodo and Sam and stay out of the fight, thank you. I hope everyone can respect that.

God, Lord of the Rings can relate to anything can it? But more on that later.

As for my own slice of the fight: I'm not talking to Jimmy. Makes sense for now. Rory mentioned to me that in order to bring the truth to light, I'd have to forsake my own fight. But if I do that, I'd have to continue to let him manipulate me, guilt me out of things I really want. Staying friends with people I actually find interesting. Subscribe to what he says. H.e.l.l.n.o.

Both sides have said he's not entirely stable, so what he says is either justifiable or it can be ignored, or just to humor him. Harris said my mom was right, and Rory said something like I shouldn't let it get to me., and when he's right, he's right. That's what I understood anyway.

Im stopping the rant to announce that I love my city, because it has everything. I have just stopped on my way to the 2 to plug into a train billboard. It had a headphone jack and im listening to Christina Aguilera clips. Only in New York, people, only in New York. I don't care if I got stared at, I only care that now we have crazy billboards. (There's a new mix of Genie in a Bottle, if anyone cares)

Anyway, this is how I feel. I have connection down here, so im gonna try to get another chapter in. Ttyl.

Girlfight

Well, the fight has reached epic proportions. Not Helm's Deep, but Minas Tirith. Not The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but prince Caspian. Bloodier, darker, and generally more twisted. And now more people are involved.

Let's go into the ring, shall we?

On one side, you've got Harris and Liza, fighting for the cause of...whatever they're fighting for. Harris has got a boyfriend now. His life is coming together. Liza's now got issues with the other side...

Which is Rory and Jimmy, fighting for their pain, suffering, and in Jimmy's case, plain dislike of Liza. Because he effing hates her guts. I have nothing to say to him.

The neutral ones are me and Sheets, and neutrality is risky now. Although both parties know where we stand, the neutrality isn't doing us any favors. We're the poor sad referrees that have got to jump out of the way before we get an uppercut to the jaw. Jimmy and Liza's feud has got me involved too, and now Liza is completely mad at me. I haven't actually seen Liza in awhile, so this, while upsetting, isn't leading me to slit my wrists. Although I did miss her, and I didn't mean to offend her.

The problem is now they've got Rory's number. And Liza called her. Harris went friend diving for her number and came up with the right one. He asked us and we said outright no, which led him to say we worship Rory.

To respond to this. no we don't. We respect her, partially because she's been entirely trustworthy all along, and I've got no reason to doubt her personally, and partially because she didn't go friend diving for anybody's numbers just to settle a poisonous vendetta. I respect Rory enogh not to jeapordize my friendship with her because Liza's mad at me. I can't control that. She's been a good friend, and has handled herself very well, given the circumstances. The same can't be said for Jimmy. This weekend's drama wouldn't even have happened had he just sucked it up like Rory and Harris did and handled a good three hours with Liza. It wasn't all that big. That, and he used Liza to fight with me. He used his crap with Liza to pick a fight with me, then impersonated Harris (pretty badly, I might add. It didn't take me long to see through it.) to get me to concede.

At this stage in the war, neutrality no longer flies. And I know who's side I'm on.

Only in order to support the cause I identify and agree with, I've got to let what this guy said go.

He manipulated me, same as who ever else did. If Harris was doing it before, he's doing it now. And it's not fair. And he's screwing phantom possibilities up for me. He put me in a position where I had to ask like I was a little girl. And I did the right thing...I did what he told me to. And he proceeds to fight with me. AND drag me into a fight that isn't mine. His vendetta with Liza was not my business, despite what people say.

I'm done with the fighting, same as Sheets is. But if I can help stop it, I will.

This is getting entirely twisted.

And I'm quite finished with this whole thing.

And I want no part in it, unless I can help stop it.

And I don't want to put a band-aid on a broken leg of a friendship because that's the only way. There had better be another way.

And I don't want to ruin anything potentially good. That's not good for me.

This fight is hurting even the spectators. And I do NOT want to have to get in that damn ring. But I'll do it. Only if it's needed.

God, I hope it's not needed.

~*~*~*~

20/25 on my history quiz.
Things are definately looking up for me.

House of Wolves

Okay, im a little sick of living at home. I know this is a common sentiment for most college freshmen still living at home, but it kind of blows living there.

Take yesterday. I ruined Harris's mojo because my mom insisted I come straight home, and I told her I'd go with him. That was the first day I met his boyfriend too, and I don't think he got the best version of me. (Very nice guy, too. Harris has got himself a winner. I rather like him.) We saw Quantum of Solace, which was the most confusing movie ever. Stunts were very cool though. Not too bad for my first theater James Bond movie. Heh.

I've been making friends at school. Which I find to be a very good thing. Although I think I've created for myself a reputation for being remarkably vacant. Not even in high school was I considered vacant. Weird, a bit insane, but I was never known for my empty brain. Maybe they've got a special ed for honors college. That would be just luscious. Hee.

Dropped Italian. This deserves its own paragraph. Although I keep getting homework emails, which worries me, I did submit the form a day early, and the lady at the desk said that was it, so it should be fine. It better be fine. If it's not fine, I'll sue.

I am kind of, sort of, not talking to Jimmy. He's mad at me, because I did exactly what he told me to do, tell him if me dating was an option and with who. I did what I was supposed to do, on both ends. And he gets mad, and doesn't talk to me, and I end up running after him trying to get him to spit something out. I'm not a little girl, I can date who I want, talk to who I want. I an take care of myself. But I did talk to him once after that, and he said it was okay, but he was hurt, and he aid I lied to him. Personally I don't see the lie. Things happen.

If only my mom could read my speech to Jimmy. Maybe when its written down, she'll actually listen. Lucky me, honors kids may have a better shot at dorms next year. May get to leave. Whee.

Rory's still trying to get out of Brooklyn. Hopefully she gets into where she wants to go, so she can go there.

Harris iis blissfully happy. Which doesn't happen often for him. Hope he stays happy for a good long while.

Steve's in Boston, which he's probably very happy about.

Zac Efron apparently is the next Jack Sparrow. I will protest this till my dying day. Unless he's actually a good one. Which I sincerly doubt, as Jack Sparrow isn't a basketball playing, closeted musical theater lover seeking the heart of a vacuous honors student.

Sheets is still hating Queens, I think. He confuses me sometimes, to be honest. But he's awesome, so its okay by me.

Im up to chapter 15. Going to start 16 when I get home.

Bye guys.

The Show

Going to vote today.

I guess that's cool.

Yesterday was interesting.

The trains got delayed, then I went to Queens with Rory, where we met up with Sheets. Rory got tired of all the complaining and she lost her mind and technically meddled. She was like I'm tired of this and you guys need to talk about this. After some deflecting, we had to talk about it. Awkward, to say the very least.

Issues were addressed. Things were said. Rory eventually had to step in to direct the awkward conversation. She suggested a date before an actual desicion is made. Which was an interesting concept, only it got shot down by Sheets after I left, due to it's incredible awkwardness. Which wasn't helped by Rory, who was planning to cook and prepare a weird surprise for it.

Maybe it's not a bad idea, this date thing. Only it can't be awkward at all, I guess. Maybe just a random day of Season 3 of Lost watching or something. That would be fun. It really would.

I don't want my heart broken again. It'll hurt way too much. Which is why I've learned to expect nothing from this. Either I'll mess something up or he'll decide he doesn't like due to his self admitted fickleness. Maybe a combination of both.

I just don't want to have any regrets anymore. He's the only one I ever stood up to my mom for. Jimmy was already doomed since like two years ago, Harris at the time either didn't need defending or I didn't want to defend him due to extenuating circumstances. Ruben didn't need it, and Marcus was also doomed, because of his colorful past. He was the only one I ever logically defended. And I'm glad I did, actually.

I'm on the fence about this, particularly because I am well aware that this can go either way. This could work out quite nicely, with very few problems or anything, and I could end up quite happy for quite some time. Or I'll mess something up, triggering the fickleness, and then it'll all be over. At this point, I am questioning nothing. It's not good for me. And I have to do things that are good for me now. Or else I'm going to lose my effing mind, which is not good for me.

Either I want this resolved in some way, or I will know that this is probably not going to happen. If it isn't I want to know. I want to know beyond all knowledge that this is not going to happen, so I don't wait around too long. This isn't good for me.

I've just got to answer this question to myself: Is he worth this craziness? Or, Am I worth this craziness? I'll never know till it comes right down to it.

The date would be nice though. Considering that both of the dates I went on involved fighting, I'd like to clear my slate. Heh.

I"m on chapter 7. Hee.

I can't believe I ranted about this again. I feel kind of pathetic actually.

Anyway, I'm out. Gotta go do my civic duty.

Bye.

~*~*~

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze, and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go

Can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, and I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know.

I've got to let it go...and just enjoy the show.

~*~*~

I voted.
I feel guilty.
I voted for the people's choice, but felt bad about it.

Should have voted for the effing Green Party. Two women and everything.

I'm Independent. I didn't know John McCain was on their ballot. I saw it as I was thinking. Obama's not that bad, is he? My mom was texting me, telling me to vote for McCain because Obama's the Antichrist and the muslims were talking about a black guy ruling America. Well, that may be so, but he's got a better energy plan.

Granted, apparently the world is going to end in four years. If It is in fact Obama's fault that the world ends, I'm gonna be effing upset. That's some change we shouldn't believe in.

Oh, and I hung with my dad on Saturday. We went to see Changeling, but I told him I didn't want to go because I didn't want to support homewreckers. That's one way to put your foot in your mouth.

Bye bye.

Apollo 1: The Writing Writer

I've been writing. Whee.

Check it out. It's the blog called Half Dead.

That's all for now.

Will edit this when I feel like it.

Hee.

LALALALA.

Something Kinda Funny

I've been obsessed with Whose Line is It Anyway? again.
I watched the show when I was a little kid, and I found it on YouTube.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to want to laugh hysterically, yet have to stifle it? You end up shaking. Heh. I downloaded some of the hoedowns to my sidekick, because my iPod is gone.

Always: Buying ym iPod
Never: Losing it.

heh.

I did a Dr. Atomic musical rendition libretto for ym class. It came out to be seven pages long and double columned. Rory saw it, It's covered in like ten different fonts. It took me forever, but I finished it yesterday. And I did an english essay too. And turns out I didnt miss much in Italian. So things seem to be looking up.







~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

ha ha ha hee hee.
o0oo0o idee daydee daydee daydee idee daydee daii!

Always and Never

Enjoy this vid. Yay, economy humor. Yay, Red vs. Blue.

~*~*~*~

Anyway, I just read Sheets's blog, and remembered I've got a regrets list to do too. Screw you, Harris, your copywrite means nothing. Although it does look quite official.

Okay, so hmmm...regrets...let me think...okay, thats hard. Let's start with the non regrets first. Way to be original. I will now copywrite the word "non-regret."

So, now that that's done...I'm gonna keep it in the Always and Never format, not the regrets thing. What if it is a real copywrite? (ha!)Always is something I'd do again, and never is something I'll stay away from.

I hereby copywrite the Always and Never format of the regrets list. How's that for being original?

~*~*~

Always: Taking the chance with Marcus. Six years of wondering, and now I know. I know way more than I should, but I do know.
Never: Not getting out when I felt like something was wrong. It wasn't fair to either of us. I've got to call him.

Always: Dating Jimmy. I'll leave it at that.
Never: Hurting him that badly.

Always: Maintaining a friendship with Harris. We've been through hell, but it's been a wild ride.
Never: Not blowing up on him when I should have. Good times or not, he put me through hell. Absolute hell. Good times now doesn't exactly absolve him. But either way, things are working out. For now. This is subject to change if he really makes me mad.

Always: Going to CUNY Honors
Never: Taking Italian. I will learn that shit on my own next time. Online classes bite.

Always: Taking Harris coming out with a sense of humor.
Never: Bursting into laughter when I found out about him and Steve. Especially when Rory took it so hard. I think I should have curbed the laughter till the shock subsided on everyone.

Always: Joining the swim team. I learned how to dive!
Never: Letting Townsend whoop our asses so soundly. I go to school with them now. Talk about random.

Always: Going to Disney World for my birthday.
Never: Missing the senior trip.

Always: Being so critical of Sam the first few days I knew her.
Never: Not being critical when something wasn't right.

Always: Getting to know Aiyanna.
Never: Letting her push me around for so long.

Always: My junior high friends. They rocked.
Never: Losing contact with them for so long. They were cool people. I talk to a couple now though.

Always: Not getting in with the Aristites. It wasn't worth the trouble.
Never: Not talking to people in my classes. Steve, Denisse and Maricruz all getting out of English Lit didnt make a good class for me.

Always: Holding in my anger with my mom. My life would suck if I hadn't.
Never: Letting it eat into me for so long. I don't need that drama.

Always: The musicals. Loved every minute. (He's a PINBALL WIZARD)
Never: Trying out for Mrs. Walker when I didn't really like the character, and knowing it wasn't a good fit for me. Rory rocked out.

Always: Getting over Harris in six hours. I must have set some sort of record.
Never: Not waiting at least a month before telling Sheets I liked him, like I was planning on doing. I'm an idiot. An easily influenced, starry-eyed idiot.

Always: Falling for Sheets so painfully fast. I learned more about myself with him than with anybody else. Sure, Harris taught me that patience is a virtue, and Marcus taught me that a person's got to know SOMETHING more than how you think to make a relationship work, but he taught me that falling for someone can be easy, and it can be simple. And I'll always owe him that.
Never: Letting myself get so hurt. And waiting around when I knew it was probably not going to work. I'm an idiot. An easily influenced, starry-eyed idiot.

Always: Dating Ruben. That was a fun month. Also, it proved to me that I could get over someone with time. Four months of pain, and I got out. It was good for me.
Never: Not making sure Jimmy was okay with it. Poor Ruben would have been killed. And I rather liked him. He was sweet.

Always: Meeting mty friends.
Never: Not treating them better.

Always: Learning about LotR and LOST. And all the other things I've grown to love.
Never: Not begging to go to an LotR convention. That would have been so cool.

Ill add more as I think on it.



o0o0o0o0o0o0o
I like this vid too.
Whose Line is it Anyway?

hehe.

eruaphadriel.

Run It

Whee.
I've really been into dance lately.
In this video, ACDC takes down the Miley Cyrus dance crew. With awesome dance moves.
Whee.

Waiting for acting class.
Charging the iPod.
The student center is weird. For me, it doesnt say study area. Anyway, I did my entire Arts of New York project on my sidekick. It's this really weird poem thing. She said you could do an interview with yourself, so I did. I did that whole look inside yourself thing, and came up wiht some random poem. Hope it makes the cut.

Watching the Miley/Mandy side. Be right back.

Somewhere I Belong

Cutting Italian. Didn't do teh homework because the files didnt work. Don't need the pain of him on my back. Plus, I've never missed a Tuesday class, and I've got Monday homework to do. I volunteered to lead the discussion on Wednesday in history. Joy. Should be uber fun.

Anyway...I've decided to write a book, on my own. If I cant finish one, then I have no idea what my backup career is. I really want to act, but I also want to write. Acting has got some crazy issues with actually finding money, and I wouldn't want to use my college education waitressing. And I'm not sitting at a desk all day, hell no. I could teach little kids, thats pretty steady, education utilizing, and energizing. Plus, I went through hell in preschool, I could undo that somehow. Kids apparently love me.

My iPod's nearly dead, so I'm using the school compy to charge it. Yay for economizing.

I ran into David yesterday. Interesting conversation, David is.

Sheets has gone gaga for LOST, Claire, and and the idea of Sawyer and Claire getting together. This is blasphemy. Charlie and Claire have got to be the single sweetest couple ever. It sucks that Charlie's dead, but she's had no time to grieve. Plus, Sawyer's heart lies with Kate. Kate needs some sense knocked into her, actually. Heh, Kate and Jack? Ehh...

I read Harris's new blog. That's rough, man. Your drug thing makes me take back my sympathy though. Either way, sucks to be you.

Rory hates Brooklyn so much, it literally made her sick. As in had to stay home, missing a day of school sick. She's better now, but I was worried. Brooklyn made her sick. If that's not a Godsend sign saying transfer now, I don't know what is. At least she's doing whats good for her.

I haven't heard from Steve in forever. Im gonna IM him when he's online.

As for me, I'm sort of learning that not being engaged can be fun. Harris is trying to teach em how to be forward.

And I'm learning my mom's ruined relationship prospects for me along the way, because she can be scary, and she makes me stay home. Oh well, I know when to stand up and say that its my life and who I date doesnt matter, because I trust them. So far, it's half chance that she'd listen.

Anyway, I'm taking more control. This is a good thing for me, as it's something I never really do.

Anyway...hehe...I cut Italian. God, how I needed the break. Oh well. I get to do some homework. Read my English thingy. Whee.

Well, that's it from me.

Oh, and did you know colleges have semiformals? My program does. I'm so wearing my Pinball Wizard dress. It's gonna rock. And I'm swinging by Hot Topic to get my costume for the Halloween party I desperately want to take somebody to.



Enjoy.

Say

Hey, everyone. Cool, I'm being punctual and good with keeping this thing up. So far, at least once a day. Either that, or I'm getting so bored, that I have to do something productive, lest my day be completely wasted.

Today, my Arts of New York teacher commented on my writing to the whole class. Awkward. It was on something I didn't even know I did, and I meant it in a literal sense, not metaphorical. Oh well. Anyway, she thought I was clever, and we go on random trips to see various ballets and operas. If only she'd gotten to RENT sooner. Or Spring Awakening. Or some underground production of Sweeney Todd that I happened to be starring in? Too out there? Whatever.

I got a B- on my English paper. Apparently my biggest weaknesses were structure and editing. I HATE revising papers. It's idea censorship. First drafts are final drafts to me. On the first day, she asked us all what we didn't like about writing. Everybodys saying tthings like they don't like getting bad grades or if it's not any good. When my turn comes, I state my name (standard first day etiquette), and say revising. She lookeed at me like she hadn't expected that, as I continued to say that revising to me is editing ideas, and they're perfectly fine the first time they come out. That's when either some guy or some girl says that it's just revising the structure. I don't remember if I said anything, but I remember thinking "Yeah, tampering with the structure of the idea so it's a different one? Nitpicking? Really?" I guess revising is a part of life.

My italian class is kicking my ass. I know it, but it's not exactly memorized. So it's kicking my ass. I do my homework, so I could get a decent grade. Decent, however, isn't good enough for my mom. Plus, I've got the GPA requirement to think about.

My acting class rocks. My teacher's really zen-ish, really calm. He tells us to "play with the space" and to "experiment with status." The one time I saw him get testy was when this girl's cell went off in the middle of "playing with the words." He didn't yell or anything, but you could sense the agitation.

My history class. On Blackboard, which I can never ever get into. My teacher's no Mr. Guerra, but he can get by. I think I ACED that quiz he gave us.

I have yet to make close Macaulay Honors friends. Sure, there's Natalia, but she's in Queens, and I knew her beforehand. I made an acquaintance/friend in English named Marina. She draws and writes stories, and her characters are living and breathing in her head. Awesome way to write. quite inspiring. She's Scholars, and the Townsend Harris alums in Macaulay Honors always seem to have something to say about her. (Ironically, they were on the Townsend Harris swim team. That's probably why I can't talk to them. Too much Cleveland Loyalty. They pummeled us. I remember having a conversation with a Townsend Harris breaststroker in the disgusting Lane locker rooms. I wonder if she goes to school with me now. I know there's a breaststroker in Honors, I think that one's Sunny (her name). Imagine that was her. Irony.

My Arts of New York professor has us write quotes on the board sometimes. If I get called for one one day, I think I should have some ready. That's why this blog's called "Say." Quotes are said.

Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
House: Ooh, I know this one, Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that or they're cowards.

When life is not so nice, remember this advice, Put some vanilla behind your ears and you'll smell like a cookie all day.

Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of their time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” J.R.R. Tolkien (genius writer and linguist)

Charlie: Guys, where are we? (Best character on LOST, I don't care what anybody says. I took his fate really badly.)

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

(Last 3 quotes were by Douglas Adams. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I would put more of Tolkien, and even Lewis, but my favorite quotes by them are in fact, all of their books. Too long for a blog. I had to stop myself from adding more from this guy.)

Max: And you know what really pisses me off is I swallowed all those cotton balls and they never even took a damn x-ray.
Hippy Dude: You still have options man.
Max: Yeah, jail or Canada and they both suck. I mean I could never come home, so what is it, it's a choice of a 6x4 cell or an endless wasteland of frozen tundra.
Hippy Dude: Montreal is cool.
Max: Man, they speak French.
Hippy Guitarist: So learn French. Learn French or die.

(Across the Universe rocks.)

Well, I'll have more as they come, as Rory is almost done with ther work study thingy. Cool. I wish I could work. My mom's all like no it'll ruin your GPA.

Oh well. Toodles.

Control

Hey, everyone. Just back from my history test. I finished so early I got out of class early. Now I'm in the basement, feeling like talking, so here I am.

I'm not feeling much of anything, really. I've said what I needed to say. I just feel like talking. About randomness. So here goes.

I really wanted to see the new Chris Rock special. Very badly. I don't have HBO, so after it came on I spent a whi9le trying to track it down, and I finally find it on the Chinese version of youtube. Everything's in Chinese. (Thank God the pause, play, forward and backward buttons are universal, because that would have bit.) Anyway, it's taking a good while to load, and I get about halfway through before it conks out and refuses to load any more. Seriously, with a new flawless mac, I should be able to watch Chinese hosted videos whenever I please. Heh.

Well, as I watched Chris Rock's witty observations about this year's campaign, it got me thinking. Both have severe flaws in their campaigns, both have some strengths. I went researching Obama and Clinton during the primary, I feel like I should do some research on McCain and find out what evil is lesser. If I can't decide, I think I'll just vote for the Independent category (as a registered Independent, this seems natural, except that it's Nader.) or some other minor party. Granted, the votes are all going toward the Democrats or the Republicans. I want my first vote to matter. Especially because of my independent registering, I couldn't vote in the primary, much to my mother's delight. At the time, I liked Obama, she was a devout Clintonite. She got to tear up my ballot.

Anyway, now that Independents get their say as well in the upcoming election, perhaps we should be the ones to tip the scales of even blue and red states. We matter, and we should take control of our country. Because Independents are third party, they don't get the recogniton they need and very often deserve. Who are the politicians you hear about the most? Democrats and Republicans. They are the ones who watched as gas prices went up, and as our economy fizzled and died.

McCain's the one who dropped everything to save the economy, forgetting that Presidents have to juggle, and Obama's the one who not only put his no doubt expensive campaign before our sickened economy, but schmoozed the media.

Well, I'm bored, and I've decided to research. The economy's not really my cup of tea, so I decided to research the energy policies on our Independent, Democrat, and Republican nominees.

First up: Nader.
http://www.votenader.org/issues/energy/
(I don't feel like typing.)

Next: Obama.
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/newenergy
(Again, my fingers hurt from that rant. Maybe I'm well informed, maybe I'm not. If I'm not, Im getting informed now.)

Last: McCain.
http://www.johnmccain.com//Informing/Issues/17671aa4-2fe8-4008-859f-0ef1468e96f4.htm
(One thing I'd like to note, McCain refers to it as American Energy. the other two are just energy. Do I really need to say it?)

I plan to read up before I vote. I think you all should too.

[I did not mean to start ranting. It just fell out.]

Anyway, on to other matters.

I'm in the library. Rory's out there somewhere. I may just abandon my computer to look for her. I can't find Jani either. I'll find them. One day.

I'll talk to you all later.

Realize

Can't sleep. Have decided to write a random blog at 3:30 in the morning. Enjoy.

About this whole situation, I'm actually feeling better. I talked to the remnants of the group today mostly, and I think this whole thing could have blown over. Hopefully, I can still call myself a part of the splintered group, and my friends can trust me and things will get to be as normal as they cam possibly be with the group dead, and part of it out of state and the rest of it breaking out of it too.

Maybe that's why I got so sad. Maybe I thought I'd be all alone over here. If that happens, so be it at this point. I'd want them to be happy. I know I'm not leaving the city for anyone, why should they stay using the opposite logic?

Yay, I'm being mature and understanding.

Anyway, I gave everyone the Dharma link. Nobody's told me their groupings yet. If I've given you the site already, there's no time, its only good till the 7th. heres the link.

www.dharmawantsyou.com

Enjoy.

Anyway, I passed out the Sawyer nickname test too. I think it's random, as I've done it like three times and I got three different things, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Little Bo Peep. I think Sawyer could have called me that. Who knows?

Harris is Pud, Sheets is either Truckstop or Chico. I don't know what he's deciding to let the fictional character call him. Oh well. The rest could simply let me know later, I'll add you to this paragraph.

I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I don't need that drama. (Everytime I say that, however, drama ensues. Maybe I should avoid those words. Nobody ever needs drama, it comes to you. And if you can't take the lesson it offers simply because you don't think you need it, then perhaps a decent chance has passed you by. Pain can let in some of the best people you'll ever meet.)

Now, let me start that paragraph over, with my newfound epiphany. (God, I wish I hadn't already used that title. Let's try ... realization.)

I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, why let go of one of the best friends that I've ever had? On the other hand, the good and the bad is almost even, considering I'm way more twisted than I was before, no matter how over this I ever was. And I know I was over this. One does not go through two guys in four monhs if they're over someone. (God, now I feel like I'm a little loose. I'm not loose, people. Maybe I'm just damaged.) I don't need the double dose of pain. (I've already experienced this drama, I can say that. Double jeopardy is illegal in law, and it should be illegal in life.)

Maybe I'm reading too much into this whole shebang. I think I should just wrap this. I don't even know if it's worth it now. It's clear, the group is splintering further with his and Rory's theoretical leaving. Why should I add more strings that are going to need to be cut anyway? I've already learned long distance is very hard. (Granted, that was a very special case. Other than the revelations, the ex-boyfriends, and the theoretical crimes, I could handle the pressures of long distance. The benefits of space, plus, my occasional clingyness would be welcomes, as they never see me. When you never see someone, it's easy to forget what pisses you off about them. Damn, I'm such a cynic.)

I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow. I've got a history test I'm not nearly prepared for. But, its history. The Mongols, and I pay attention. It can't be too hard. I'll let you all know, I guess.

Thanks, everyone, for listening to my revelations, realizations, and cynicism. I love you all, dear readers, and I shall send you all a fruit bouquet. You know, the pineapple flowers and stuff?

Well, I'm gone. Forensic Files. Did you know about the Zodiac Killer, anyone? He killed two Tauruses. Maybe the astrology thing was just dumb luck. Speaking of luck, Aquarians weren't touched. Go us.


LOL. Bye, everyone. Enjoy.

P.S: Happy birthday to my dad, Natalia from junior high and Macaulay Honors Queens, and Arielle from junior high. Libras. The Zodiac got a Libra. And two Taurus', a Scorpio, a Gemini, a Cancer (I think the Cancer was a homeless guy.) and I think a Virgo. That bites for all of them. I think Aries, Aquarius, Saggitarius, and a few others were safe. So mazeltov to Rory, Liza, and myself. The New York Zodiac would have left us alone at the time being if Orion and the Seven Sisters were not visible. Why am I quoting this? Maybe my mom's right. MAybe we do need counseling. Perhaps I can tun it into a personal therapy session, as long as I avoid family sessions. I think this can be done. Heh.

PPS: They called Harris back. Congrats to him. They didn't call me, but maybe they couldn't read my handwriting. Either way, oh well. I wouldn't have been able to miss school anyway. Maybe I could just go to med school. Perform in operating theaters instead of Broadway ones. (House fever, don't listen to me.) Heh. Bye.

UPDATE: Scratch that. Totally not ready. Studying now. If somebody can be of assistance? Thanks.

Teardrop / Prayer of the Refugee

hey, everyone. I'm back, on my iPod, and ready to unload.

Well, I've learned something about myself. I think I'm depressed. I'm always sad, it appears I'm pickjg fights with everyone I care about, and on top of it all, not even MCR has cleared the clouds. On the upside, I'm integrating back into church. I'm teaching three and four year olds about the Bible. Apparently, kids love me. Little kids, specifically. I may consider becoming a teacher, if this acting thing doesn't work. Speaking of acting, Harris provided me with audition info. The show is called Rooftop, and it's a sci-fi show about a pop star with big dreams. I know a kindly alien is involved. It seems sweet. They have yet to call me. Oh well.

I've been watching House religiously. Either this is my brain subconsciously telling me that things could be much worse, or it's telling me that hey, at least I'm not oozing waste out of my mouth, or suffering from a gluten intolerance that results in me killing my infant son. Lost, however, still rocks.

Speaking of Lost, I joined the Dharma Initiative today. I took all the tests and I have been officially classified.

Here is my groupings:
Pandora, Polyphemus are the first two, I forgot the third, the fourth is cronus, the fifth was similar sounding to the third, the sixth was hestia. Apparently I'm gonna be a dharma medic. I did some research, and apparently hestia means medicine. I got all these questions about medicine anyway. In real life, that would never be me. At least I get to go outside the box in Dharma world. If only I could now.

You ever feel like your pushing everybody away?

And the saddest part is that everybodys leaving no matter what I do. So I've gotta figure out how to say goodbye to everyone. Rory hates the commute, that's understandable, as long as we stay in contact, if she's happy away, I can live with that.

I found out maybe a week ago that Sheets might go too. And for some reason we've been fighting for no reason, it comes up, and he's all like thank god I'm leaving. I guess his leaving is his business, and there's nothing I can say about it. But now I feel like an idiot. See, my mom revealed an indiscretion on a friend of mine's part, and she named everything that's ever gone on, including a rumor that he still liked me, or did again. Naturally, i didn't believe a word (one doesn't lose her faith in humanity by trusting them blindly), so i chased the rumor down to the source and they said it was true. So I decided to talk to him. Single most embarrasing conversation of my life, even though I was expecting nothing. I vowed not to expect anything, I don't need the drama of a second time through all this. Well, anyway, i tell him i know, and he says to see where it goes later on. Which wasn't the worst I could have heard, but fickleness always strikes more than once I guess. Anyway, not too long ago I heard he may go too.

I don't want them to go, honestly. But that's selfish. They should go. I know how much Rory hates the commute. Nobody needs an hour and a half long train ride.

I miss Cleveland. Everything was simple. It didn't seem it then, but it was.

From the advice Harris gave me, I shouldn't care what they do. It's their lives. It's all I can do to not care, then. I guess all I can do I'd be supportive.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, in other news, I spoke to Harris's new Brit beau . Sweet guy. If he lived in the states, in pretty sure I'd be friends with him. Robert something. Very classic brit.

Eitherway, I'm cool with it.

I'm going to go now. Bye.

Teardrop is the theme from House, I can't stop listening to it. Prayer of the Refugee Is a song by Rise Against. I love that song.

Either way, see you all on the outside.

[disclaimer]~ I don't mean to offend anyone with what I say here. Talk to you all soon.

*edit: my actual groupings in the dharma are....pandora, polyphemus, antaeus, cronus, aether, hestia, white swan. thats right, i didnt cheat. I was totally honest. heh.

P.S.: I am no longer engaged. It got complicated, and he beat me to it. He didnt want me waiting around with nothing to go on. Wasn't fair to me, he said. Its okay though. Gives me time to really focus on the bigger things in life. Like the remnants of my high school drama that won't leave my head. Oh, and psychics have been following me. Everytime I pass one, theyre either telling me I'm special and have a good aura, or that bad people are around me, and they charge to tell me how to rid my life of it. I havent paid. Ill find this mole myself. If they really cared about me and my fertile psychic aura, theyll analyze me for free, just so they have credit in unlocking my potential. Oh well. Screw that.

Whatever, hope you guys enjoy hearing from me.

The Name Of The Game

I am officially obsessed with this song called The Crowing. I am so obsessed with it that I want to name one of my kids Ambellina. It's a pretty name regardless.

Speaking of names, I've been preoccupied with them lately. I'm gonna need them when I have my own kids, and I want them to have a name that no other kid is going to have. I've already come up wiht Cameo Polaris (I found that by totaly accident), Guinevere Brittany (Ive been obsessed with the name since I was fifteen, and Brittany called middle name on one of my kids) and Ambellina Courtney (I know, very Coheed and Cambria of me.) Maybe Ill have triplet girls and be done with it.

Anyway, school bites. Way too much legit homework. Love the italian language, hate my italian class. My acting class rocks, however. I love it. My arts of New York class is cool too. M teacher thinks I'm clever.

My friends are all doing well. Rory wants to transfer. Blah. Sheets is having a hell of a time in Queens. Talk to people, buddy. Even though that didnt serve me too well. Some people in my school are sort of mean. They're worse than Aristites with their cliquyness. I'm the only one from Cleveland, so it's hard. It took me awhil to explain to them that I wasn't from Ohio. Really, do I look like I'm from Ohio?

Anyway, Im off.

The Name Of The Game {Edited: Wordplay]

Hey, everyone.

My aunts two days away from possibly getting a baby. (She's adopting) And there has been some debate on this cute little girl's name.

I found out about the name juxtaposition when Brittany made a one day stop over at my house to stay the weekend. We of course had to get involved. So we, well, more Brittany than me, but I was there, and I showed her my name site, (Arwen-Undomiel.com, the name translations, ignore the elvish, despite how pretty the names are), came up with a beautiful name for this little girl.

Shay Felicity. Idn't it cool? And it would grow with her too.

Well, along the way, given my situation, I got caught up, and started thinking of names quite by accident. (Come on, what girl doesn't think about names for their children?). And Brittany called middle name on one of my daughters, making that one...drumroll...Guinevere Brittany. I've been wanting to name my oldest daughter Guinevere for a loooong time.

My second daughter (hopefully I get more than one girl) got a theoretical name just yesterday. It's really weird, but I checked. And the first name was actually used to name people.

Drumroll...Cameo Polaris.

I love it. Its short, sweet, and really out there.

I already resolved to name my first or second born son Joseph or Daniel, after Harris and/or Sheets. Plus, my little brother would have a namesake before age ten, if I decide to go the Daniel route. Ive also loved the name Dominic. (Not cuz of my biggest actor crush, because the name actually rocks out.)

Dominic Daniel...Daniel Dominic? Daniel Joseph? Dominic Joseph? hmmm...

Any opinions?

When You're Gone

You ever realize how much you'd really miss a person?

See, when all of this happened to me, and Marcus left, I knew I would miss him somewhat. I still had my misgivings, but I knew I would miss him. But now that he's been gone for nearly two weeks, I really miss him. Yesterday, I sat next to the piano he gave me to hold on to till he gets back, and I wanted to cry. He's been around for a long time, and now that our friendship took this turn, I wanna see him more. I want to get to know him, discuss all the random concerns I had with this. Pick his brain for random facts about him that I wouldn't have known otherwise. Try to figure out how this all started. I miss him.

Now on to matters of my job. The moneys good. The people SUCK. They suck. There really mean to me.

Starting from nicest to most horrible person to walk Dry Dock...

First, there's Rob. Nice about half the time. The rest of the time, he's insulting me, calling me a schitzo like the rest of them. Apparently he's that guy who rags on his friends constantly. Hello, Harris from last year. (Speaking of him, he seems to be rehabilitating. Stay tuned.)

Then, there's Josh. He's quiet, I'll leave him alone.

Jose's alright, but he said I smell. That was mean. I was asking people for days if I did after that. Everyone said no. I don't know.

Johan. What can I say? Besides antagonizing me at every opportunity, he got me in scads of trouble with my mom, when I came home with wet straight hair. Then I got into even more hot water cuz Liza cut my bangs. Everytime my mom sees me now, she's insulting my hair. I want to move a lot more now. Anyway, Johan's really mean.

My boss is mean to, simply in that he yells at me for stuff I never did, and laughs when all this other stuff happens.

Forest. Don't even get me started. Aside from being the one who first called me schitzo and Ta-Ta (the name stuck, even the staff apparently call me that. They're adults, aren't they?), he's a general asshole, who allegedly farted in Brittany's face, yells at me to clean all the time, when I always throw out my messes, is always calling me stupid and/or crazy, and being really mean and a snitch who never sits on the chair without something to say. He's like thirty, insulting an innocent eighteen year old? Pathetic.

Gio left yesterday for good. He's going to florida for a week, so he can't work. He was like the only nice one. It was depressing.

The dwim teacher guy is annoying. Like today. He threw water on me, and a couple days before he frizzed up my hair. But the award for messing it up goes to johan, who dunked me when he antagonizedme to get into the water, and then he dunked me. I told April, who told my mom, and I'm in trouble for that too. There is no winning with parents.

Either way, they piss me off. And im also sad. The dove I was trying to find a home for died. I wanted to cry. I had to dispose of the remains myself, cuz my mom wouldn't help me at all. She was like get rid of that bird. I was really sad, and still am. RIP Dova.

Well, on that note, let me go. I've gotta finish my work day, then get ready for my lovely three day orientation. Yay.

Bye.

Wait / Cold

Hey, everyone. This is my third time trying to write a blog on my new sidekick. Im still working out the buttons and trying to get dash texting out of my head. My Dash EXPLODED on sunday. (The last time I hung with Rory, I think. She spells her name different now. Im trying to get used to it.)

Anyway, let me not get into that. Well, work has been okay. Rob has been a bit more asinine lately, but he's still fun. I haven't seen Gio in a good long while, because he got into a car accident and I guess he's not feeling too well. I wouldn't. He came to work too, one day. He's a real trooper.

I got my "script" for South Pacific, the show the honors college is seeing for orientation. Well, its not really a script. I thought it would be, but its not. Its the original book. "Tales Of The South Pacific", its called. Blah. Well, now I've gotta read the thing. Oh well, that's what break time is for, other than writing blogs on the sidekick, which is uber fun. Hehe.

I also have some news.

Im...kinda, sorta...engaged.

To Marcus.

(Here's where my friends either went nuts with happiness or slapped me upside my head.)

Read Harris's blog for the lowdown.

Im of two minds. A big part of me wants this bad. I've liked him on and off since I was about twelve. And I never thought he'd ever like me, let alone want to marry me. I don't evenknow when he started with the feelings for me.

On the other hand, I'm 18. I've got my whole life. Plus, he's coming back in two years, so I'll just end up waiting till I'm 20. Can I do that? I guess I'll find out.

Rory said this was kinda stupid of me, Sheets plans to object, Harris was there, and he's estatic. Brittany was pissed at him for a number of reasons, and she talked to him and now they are fine. Steve has said nothing. Granted I haven't told him myself, I believe Rory did that. Its sort of my news, but I don't care. The group, my best friends, know what's going on with me. Which is lovely. And Liza said it was random, and Annelis was like think on this. Which I am.

Harris and Marcus have been wedding planning. Blah, sort of. Saves me work, but at the cost of taste.

I don't know. I would have wanted to date him first, then have all this come up. I also feel like im not ready. He is, but I'm not. What kind of marriage is that?

This whole thing still hasn't hit me yet, but I've got feelings about it. I've discussed then with everyone. Damn my two minds, and commitment being easy, but somehow hard. I've commited before and it didn't end well. My earlier blogs can show that. Is this really smart? But on the other hand, six years is a long time. And I've liked him for awhile. What would I be throwing away simply on fear?

I don't know.

Its cold on the bus. Damn AC. Its gonna be freezing at work too. Hopefully it thunders. Everyone, pray for thunder.

Listen to the title songs, people. Wait is from Sweeney Todd, and Cold is a song by a band I can't remember.

"All good things come to those who can wait...Gillyflowers maybe, stead of daisies, I don't know though, what do you think?"

"I never meant for it to be so cold."

The Sharpest Lives

hey guys.

im finally back.

it is four am. i cannot sleep. suffering extreme relapses. dont know exactly what to do anymore.

i havent been to church consistently since about january. hows that for distancing myself from the pastor child image? yeah i know, not exactly giant strides, but still, im becoming my own person. i like that, getting to know me.

i, along with my most recent ex boyfriend, ruben, were bored at tommy rehearsal one day (btw, the show was in early may, we rocked it, if you know me, listen to my soundtrack on my ipod), and we created a singles crew out of boredom, and the indignation we both felt at having to see the couples in our lovely cast make out in every corner. (on a sad note, those couples no longer exist. this is the year of americas next best dance crew, lime wire, breakups, and pedophilia.) it is called S.P.O.T.C. . its Single People Over Throwing Couples. (you know what would be kickass? if S.P.O.T.C. went on americas next best dance crew? wed rock it. well, wed need training, and dancers. and annelis most likely. and matt, definately matt. renee would be nice, too. okay, wed need help, but id wanna go. east coast. lol).

harris and sam broke up. sams happy though, shes dating this kid named anthony, who she seems head over heels with. harris is stil kinda hung up over alan, but hes doing his thing. granted its not exacty jabbawockky or fanny pak style. its like doing his thing boogie bots style. (ABDC has taken over)

we did an opera. i was the bad guy, alan was the guy i was in love with, harris was the dude i married, sheets was the funny official who took bribes, sophie was the love interest, rori and sam were the sisters of the love interest, and ruben was the random official. and jason rocked it as the ruler of japan. we did the mikado. me and ruben got together right after the show. we broke up some time ago. im not sure how long ago, but it was some time ago. (damn now i feel blah cuz i cant remember)

i started working again. weve got some very interesting guys here this year.

returning lifeguards are...jose, josh, vlad (he transferred, single teardrop), and forest.

new guys are...rob (hangs with brittany all the time), gio (really cool guy, i dnt know why, but i end up venting to him. he either thinks im nuts and says nothing, or is like okay. i feel bad for it a lot), johan (kinda asinine, but all around hes alright.) and himan (he transferred a couple days after vlad, single teardrop, but he lives in the neighborhood so its okay. after a fight with jose, he left.)

everybody there is totally bitchy, and i wanna drop kick a good half of them, lifeguard and otherwise, alike, but i like the job. even though there so mean and terrible, theyve got me cursing now, and most of the time, im cursing somebody out. normally, its forest. he can be so mean.

rori and harris are no longer friends. i will leave it at that. nothing more needs to be said.

steves gonna be leaving soon. to massechusetts. oh, brandeis, treat him well.

sheets said something really mean to me, all because he gets mad that steve says mean things and everybody rags on one thing with him and i accidentally did cuz he opens the door for it, and he says i cant talk cuz my relatinship track record speaks for itself, and when i said you were one of them, he said, unfortunately. and then he was like i hope roris relation ship (shes currently dating alan. quite a twist, but there cute) works out like none of yours did.

now, i dont know quite what happened in my head. t felt like this weird floodgate just opened in my head, and i burst into tears. were talking hysterics. like only rori, liza, and annelis, and sort of harris (who never understood why i was crying and laughing that day. hell, neither did i.) and i think sam have seen me that bad. like i couldnt stop bawling. rori was trying to calm me down, steve was either not payig attention or yelling at sheets for allegedly hurting my feelings, and sheets was either saying that i started it or apologizing to me. i went home, face red with tears, couldnt pass off the redness of my face to either my mom, or my pseudo sister, brittany. oh well, at least i wasnt interrogated by either.

i need a break. a break that a day off wont give me. i want a life unblemished by drama, or hurt feelings, or regrown ones. it hurts, what people say. im really hurt by everyhing thats happened. even if ive caused it.

in other words, i read harris's blog. he seems to have had a change of heart. in general. on some things. stay tuned.

sams blissfully happy, and said shed give me the feature length rent movie. ialready have across teh universe. and now i need to find my ipod. it has dissapeared. entirely. and i neve saw a soul move it, and everybodys acting like they dont know where it is. thats the only thing that keeps me sane at work consistently. i must get it back.

things have been complicated out here. enough said.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

update!

i am an idiot.

my ipod was right there, but my earphones are blue, so theyblended into the background of what it was sitting on. a good hour of looking, followed by seeing the dark knight, followed by ABDC viewing and jabbawokky research,followed by more looking, equals, its right there. blah.

LOL.

Just Like A Pill

im over the guy, pretty much...that much is still true, ive accepted that it was futile and not meant to happen, and i like that i am friends with him. i can have fun with others on a regular basis, and keep my mind off of the fact that i have to subject myself to more torture.

then why am i still so sad?

the fact that everybodys gonna go meet his childhood friend, and nobody told me about it because they were afraid of how id handle it didnt help either...i actually have no idea why i am as depressed as i am. i just know that i am.

all i know is that the things that make me feel better a lot of the time are essentiall emotionally killing me. i dont want them to kill me, byut they do...

and somehow, today i found out that i dont like me hair. apparently i have a vendetta against it and it slipped out today. im known for something that grows on my head that i have no control over whatsoever, and all the rest of the world gets to be recognized for what they do. i explained it to harris, and he thought i was being really self centered and a bit of an attention whore...i didnt mean to come off that way and i am sorry for all that...and then they wonder why im forever trying to atone for past sins over here,....because i am constantly annoying people and making lives more difficult somehow.

i do want to meet this girl. leaving aside what she did to the guy i kind of sort of like a little bit still, she seems lovely, if a bit metallic (lots of piercings). her names katie, and from what i hear he likes her. its a bit of a ego punch, but i can hack it. im good at stripping myself of my own dignity now. i hope i like her though, i have a thing with actually being friends with my ex's girlfriends. i think its tons of fun. harris's girlfriend, sammy, is so cool, we like her better than him. too bad she hasnt seen me when im not a total mess, she got with harris soon after i lost my mind. were cool though, so its coolness.

im kinda glad im the only one keeping this up now. that mkeans this corner of the interweb is really mine, and if people read it, so be it. if you have a problem with anything ive said, or wish to ask a question, my cyber door is wide open and ask away. and if you know me personally, you know exactly what i am talking about and if you caall me asking what this is about, im going to laugh like i havent in a long time.

on a lighter, cooler note. i got into cuny honors. i have decided to go there (st lawrence no longer worth it, with the 20000 dollar deficit and all. plus rori didnt get in, so i dont like them now.)

oh, and steve gave us all a rundown of the hills. sheets and i were totally riveted. well i was, sheets was playing his zelda ds game where link is a cartoon.

i finished my LOTR game for PSP. i had lost the PSP, but then i lost the game, then i found the psp, but no game. then i lose it again, then i find the game, then the psps is gone. then i get the psp, and the game, but no charger. then i find the chargetr then the psp and i lived happily ever after.

lol

well im going to go now, the less i think of how much if an idiot ive been, the better.

How Strong Do You Think I Am

i dont know how long i can take this...

turns out the apology was totally fake...he then proceeded to call me every name in the book, including a slut for going as far as i did with harris...as a comeback i called him a liar...i managed to hold in the tears until he left...once he did i couldnt hold it in any longer..i just exploded with tears...all i remember thinking was how could he? then i took into account his reasoning...apparently its for everythig ive ever done to him...and as much as i wanted to hate him for what he had said, i knew there was a meaning to those words...and perhaps he was right...

i manage to calm down enough for third period, then fourth rolls around, and i run into sam (harris's girlfriend i love her so much ud think a persons ex would hate their girlfriend...sometimes i like her better than him lol) and harris...he sees me crying nearly hysterically, and he asks me what happened now...i told him as much of my conversation with him that i hadnt blocked out...he then exploded, and took sam and this girl daniella (whos forever flirting with him, earning the eternal wrath of sam...i only know her as the girl with the cool pink calculator)down to his class...they hadnt done anything when they went back to 327...im freaked out because im afraid they might actually d something to him...then fifth rolls around, then him and rori come up the stairs...to answer harris's challenge...i hadnt said a wrd to him, when he accuses me of setting harris loose on him...then rori brings to my attention that harris had done and said the same exact things, minus brining up something that was always better in the dark anyway...

well either way, im still a giant mess when i walk into psychology...kimmy and maria give me the funniest, and yet the meanest pep talk in the world...mean because it was, funny because it totally wasnt working...they were like youre way too pretty for him and hes weird...i wanted to hit them but i settled for a polite laugh...

seventh rolls around...i am required by the school to be in the same room as him...im half between berating myself for setting myself up, and hating him for meaning every word he says...i dont say a word to him...he doesnt say a word to me...when the bell rings i hear something like hes not hangning out because im going to be there...i end up going with them to wendys...on the way down out the building the frosty breach in communication suddently closes, and hes yelling at me like no tomorrow...i just like why are you talking to me its not like this is going to fix anything...i dont know what happened, somehow im hearing the same apology all over again...him saying he was mad and that he couldnt help but resent me....although that morning i had heard the word hatred...the only thing im thinking is like i havent heard this before...first he hates me, then he apologizes, thenhe haates me again, then hes apologizing again...

as of right now were on okay ground...but he said in order to make things even, id have to suffer for the same amount of time...about a year and a half for him...add on the nine and a half months of annoying harris to death, and another year of the suffering i had caused jimmy...s it appears i ave a lot of suffering to do...i wonder how much of it i can take...

plsu theres the eternal battle...to like him or not to like him...some days its worse than others, but it isnt stopping me from wanting to drop kick one of my best friends even though its retarded because the dude has no feelings for me whatsoever and this is all a moot point anyway...well im working on it...

i hate this...i hate tht i have to torture myself to save myself from future karma encounters...oh well, when college rolls around, maybe thatll absolve me eventually...

speaking of college...

I GOT INTO CUNY HONORS BROOKLYN!!! i knew those essays were gold...lol

harris (no offense) is slowly carving his way to oblivion...literally...

rori and steve have switched roles....rori is apathetic, and steve is now caring about others...he was actually listening to my tears of pain, and after

sheets is (according to me, and im pretty biased) getting tons of girl attention...that seems really stupid coming from me...cuz im a pretty jealous human being...but whatever i can hack it...

i am fine minus my insanely weird devotion to making karma go away... hope he doesnt feel guilty cuz it isnt his fault...i think i may have to do this...

The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You / Beautiful Liar / Apologize

i feel lied to...betrayed, definately...hurt, quite an understatement...i took the apology, but i dnt know if it can really do anything...

long story short, sheets told me what he really thought of me...like turned to love, to resentment, to finally hatred...hatred enough to bring up a deadly secret of mine that i trusted the group with...roris never mentioned it to me, steve didnt believe it, even for harris its too low for him to use against me...but sheets brought t up, all cuz i was trying to help rori vent...hatred enough to say our entire friendship was based on lies...meaning the reasons i liked him were lies, meaning our month long thing was a lie too...

i dont like knowing ive lived a lie...i knew i was lying to myself...

and the thing was i was trying during that month to make up for all the crap i had done to him, with or without my knowledge...he looked at me and said congradulations, you failed...with this huge ass smug smile too...

so cuz we werent friends anymore, we werent speaking to each other...i was quite proud of mself too...limited tears, no real regrets about the whole thing, cuz it wasnt my fault this time, because he brought up what ginie had done to him...and blamed every bit of it on me...

we went to nintendo world...somehow, harris finds out were fighting, and he calls me, all exasperated too, like why are you two fighting...i told him what he had said to me, and suddently, his attitude changed...he actually said why are you underreacting...ha..underreacting, coming from the guy whos called me both dramaqueen and desperate...hes telling e tell him off tell him off curse him out and i tell him no...thats when he was like i give up on you...i tell him that once i seperate good sheets fro evil sheets, or reconcile the two, i may be able to do it...somehow thats when i start crying...harris actually helped me reconcile the two,but he doesnt ake me curse sheets out (thank god)...apparently, he wrote sheets a very nasty text (which i got to read) berating his character...heh...

then we go to mcdonalds....steve gets a happy meal, with the crappy spiderwick chronicles toywith the "seeing stone" which was really a peice of plastic with tiny dots on it...thats when my ipod dies...thats the first recontact sheets ade with me...the analytical side of the table stops dead...i getting pissed off, cuz hes not not talking to me like he said he was going to...considering he said our friendship was a lie and he was dropping the group starting with me...i was expecting a lot more silence than i got...

then we go to virgin mobile record store...im wondering why communications arent dead...i had honored the bar contact contract, save for some accidental responses which i directed to either rori or steve...sheets gets teh damn prizefighter inferno...im thinking well, crap, cuz the day our friendship ends he gets the cd...so i get sweeney todd to make myself feel better (btw, the worst pies in london, my friends, epiphany, and a little priest are the best songs)...which only inspires more of him talking to me...i do what i can do...completely tune him out, which i figured was what he wanted anyway...on a lighter note me, rori, and steve found cookie sutra and got hit on by a guy with a real kama sutra book...he was asking me what my favorite part was...me being an idiot played along...he wasnt a bad looking guy tho...he had cool hair...needless to say rori and steve got me out of there before he fed me rohypnol or something...

then we go to toys r us...i play ddr with steve for two rounds, then steve jumps off and lets sheets on...this alone is pissing me off cuz im like hes in my breathing space...then steve picks a song i hate, making it worse...i beat sheets though which made it better...then sheets bereates me for him being late...which really sets me off cuz if hes not talking to me, why is he yelling at me...me and steve are like what the hell is he doing...

then, on the train ride back...he starts yelling at me again...im trying to ignore him and somehow im forced to address the issue...he starts taking back what he said remark by remark...by the end of the ride hes asking for forgiveness...

what is forgiveness?

does it involve forgetting?...if it did, i wouldnt be in this situation...if it didnt, maybe it wouldnt be so hard to let it go...

does it mean thingsgo back to normal?

can i even have normal anymore?

or have i twisted everything to the point where normal no longer exists...

this dramas ben killing me...ive been killing myself...and sheets has apparently been enjoying every minute of it...it sounded like a big revenge kick to me...and that ceepy smile he gave me only made it worse...

i couldnt recncile the good joey, and the joey i saw yesterday...forgiving him means separating the two again...im wondering if its even possible anymore...i told himm iwasnt entirely over him and thre wasnt anything i could do about it...you always carry a tiny thing for your exes...and the thing yesteday helped a lot...rori atarted the percent thing...im about a 98/2...thats as good as it will get for now, and im glad i did even that much in a month...im just pissed at myself for even wasting my time with a guy who hated me the whole time...

only time will tell...i took the apology but he knows i dont trust him...i cant trust him...the only friend i ever trusted blind was the one who stabbed me, front and back, the deepest...

as of right now, ill work through this on my own...

back to sweeney todd...byers

With A Little Help From My Friends

well, im no longer allowed at sheets house...AGAIN...

i came out of hi house reeking like smoke and spend a good 24 hours trying to clear my name...my mom means well, but now she doesnt trust me because she thinks im lying to cover for someone....which im not...

bleck...and she accused me of going out with sheets behind her back...way to tug at the strings connected to the worst parts of my heart...lol...she doesnt see how sheets could turn me down flat (she said it worse and those were her words and im pissed at them)...

im eighteen, i dont wanna be a pastors child anymore...

well, thats the past, as is me bitching over the sheets thing...i know when im fighting a losing battle...plus im sort of enjoying singlehood now...idk why, its just less stressful in a way...

plus ive been having a blast with sheets in a friend way...yesterday we were all at the mall and me and him went to like five stores that sold games all over the queens center mall area...it was singlehandedly one of the most fun things i had ever done in a while...then when we finally fin a store with the game, the game is opened, he panicks, he doesnt buy it and we walk out, him apologizing for dragging me around, me laughing hysterically saying it was fun...

steve and harris are dating again...steve, a girl named colleen, who is either not as evil as she is, or not as nice as she seems...either one is pretty scary

harris, a girl named samantha (hereafter known as sam)...i love her shes awesome...you would think as an ex girlfriend, im not sposed to like her, but i do...shes fun...too bad him going out with her pisses jimmy off too...he was ranting how harris doesnt deserve to be happy...apparenly he still loves me, and he wanted to get with her too...idk...

well hes in the cast now...this should be a lovely show now...hopefully no one actually becomes deaf blind and dumb cuz of violence...

anyhoo, ive been feeling a lot better about the whole thing, considering now i know where i stand...and rori and harris have been awesome in helping me through the whole thing...well, harris when hes not busy lol...annelis was awesome too, cuz she istened and let me cry it out, which i guess i really need to do sometimes...i guess if i dont regularly i take it out on people i shouldnt and get them mad...

plus, i wanna distace myself from the pastor child image harris has constantly labeled me with...i am ver sorry, but i dont wanna be that girl anymore...i wanna grow up finally...

anyhoo, were gonna get to see a show for english class soon which is awesome...yay...rori and steve are coming...

harris isnt going abck to church anymore...he thinks the lord will smite him once he alks back in, plus with his rather...ahem, "out" there myspace that lots of people see, he thinks hes outed himself to the whole church...plus he raises the question of brainwashing...i wuldnt go tat far, but i do subscribe to the theory of slight hypocrisy among the people...which ire ally hate to say, conidering i grew up with them...

well i gotta go...writing this in my current location was kinda risky, let alone danerous...so bye