It's a New Day

I used this song for two reasons.

Reason 1: President Obama, welcome to the White House. Also, enjoy redoing your effing oath of office twice in as many days because "the priest screwed up the recitation of the oath." Please. I watched that oath get taken. The priest did fine. He even repeated things for him. And according to my uncle (who may be biased, but ever since I was like, ten, this uncle knows a lot about a lot.), people were singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" about OBAMA. And that's a Christian song I think. God help us.

Reason 2: New starts all around for everyone really.

BIG example: Jimmy has a girlfriend. And it's not me. Its Lizzy. Not only is one of my best friends over me, he's dating a girl I positively adore. Lizzy used to sit with me before they let us up for classes, and apparently her and Amanda made out for Sheets that one day in gym. I think it was her, but either way, thank God I wasn't there. Ew.

I have never been happier for him. He deserves happiness with somebody kickass. Lizzy is positively kickass. And if I couldn't be with him, he should have gotten over me. And he did. Good for him.

I feel a lot less guilty about the whole mess now, now that he's happy. My only fear is that, without the blindness teen love tends to give you, he's gonna think I meant to hurt him and do all sorts of mean things to him, and I didn't. All I've really wanted is to be friends like before. I've really missed the Jimmy who used to wear colors and joke about monkeys and cheese. And now that he's not hurting, that Jimmy is back. Only now I won't see him for the reason that he'll be with his girlfriend, and not because he can't stand the sight of me. And that suits me just fine. The cinderblock of guilt is slightly off me. I'll never forget how much I owe him. How much I've hurt him. But I always knew he'd pull through, and hex'd eventually forget about me, and find somebody that he's not only more compatible with, but will be able to love him in a way that I just couldnt, for whatever reason, be it my mom, or dating Harris, or falling hard for Sheets, or anything else. Jimmy's finally okay, and he's not dropping anybody. And everything is going back to normal again. We'll probably never forget what we've all gone through, but we all did get through it.

If only I could say the same for my friendship with Rory. Honestly, I miss her. And I hate that I can't hang out with the rest of the group because she doesn't want to see me. I also hate that she didn't believe that I sided with her through this whole thing, but decided to keep a friendship with Harris because I don't know what I would do without him. Granted, Harris is manipulative and puts me down a lot, but he's been better, and aside from the odd and end insult and crap like that, I'm relatively sure he cares about me. I care about him too. And I care about her just as much. And I miss her just as much as I've missed the Jimmy I was friends with and fell for.

At least Jimmy's back.

Which is good.

As for me? Nothing too huge in my personal life, really. I've been hanging out with Aiyanna a lot. Ginie invited us to see this really gross movie about Valentine's Day killers who rip out people's hearts in 3D. My first horror gore movie. Whee.

Also, I've become a giant blonde despite the fact I've dyed my hair back to my original color (dark brown, almost black). Aiyanna knows, so does Ginie and Vanessa, and Jimmy saw it too. Ack. And they're never going to let me live it down.

As for my relationships, I've had none. I actually have no feelings about this. On the one hand, I enjoy the unattachment. The ability to be me, and not have to pretend to make somebody happy. On the other, I want to be attached. I like the feeling of a relationship, that somebody cares about me and vice versa.

I'm just a big mess now.

I want somebody to depend on me, and vice versa. Somebody who'd understand my need to be needed. It just feels like everybody doesn't need me. Harris's always had Liza, so he doesn't need me as much as I have always needed him. Sheets's got Rory, who dropped me, making my purpose irreverant, as I can't even hang out with my friends anymore while she's there. Jimmy is actually a lot better off without me, and now he's got Lizzy, so he doesn't need me. Steve's always seemed pretty self reliant, plus he's got Rory too. Aiyanna's got this whole other life in Vermont and her bunny friend (don't ask. I have a very vivid imagination.), and I've really missed her, but I never see her.

I miss Liza. She'd know what to do. She always knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. So would Rory, but she's not exactly talking to me. Which I can't do much about right now.

I want to feel for somebody the way I felt for Sheets, or even Harris and Jimmy. I want to know I have the capacity for it. That I have the ability to be as devoted to my person as I was to them, in any way possible.

I know a part of me is always going to wonder what would have happened if I did something differently. But I know everybody's either happier or will be happier without me. I would want to know, but I can't. And a part of me likes it that way. I just hope things work out for me as well as they did for Jimmy and Lizzy, and hopefully Harris and Sheets, because I want them both to be happy too.

In lighter news...

LOST SEASON 5!!

I think I'm in love with Faraday. I was in love with Charlie, but now I have two Lost loves. I don't know which one I love best, Charlie or Faraday. Ones a musician, one's a physicist, and both had or have very cute shippers with foreign women who get into very grave danger.

Anyway, that's it. I was pretty content, and now I'm seriously depressed. I want to die of guilt and shame and all that other stuff all over again.

The Shadow Of The Past

You know what I don't get about people?

About society?

How focused we all become on things we can and can't fix.

Granted, I know I'm pointing the finger at myself here too. I know I get forever fixated on things I can fix. On how to achieve absolution. How to make everything okay. I also tend to beat myself up a LOT when I can't make things right, and when I lose people. Most of the time, people tend to forgive me pretty quickly, knowing that I didn't mean to hurt them, and for that, I thank these people. They've been very good to me, and I hope I've been good to them.

But I want to be a person that can forgive easily. I am a person that forgives easy. I want to stay that way. I believe forgiveness is a good quality to have. I find it lets a lot of things out, and you can let a lot of things go. Things you don't want to think about.

I forgave things partly because I never want to doubt someone, and partly because holding it against people hurts me as much as it would hurt them if they cared.

NOOOOOOO>....I'm watching Jin get blown to smithereens. The saddest TV death since Charlie Pace. With Michael, it's okay. He got a visit from Christian and he wanted to die anyway.

Anyway, a bit of me feels like absolution and forgiveness outside of God's divine forgiveness doesn't exist anymore. Like...no matter what anybody does, you're still going to have your past sins over your head. The bood on your hands.

And it hurts. It hurts bad.

And I'm screwed.

I got a C in history, bringing my average down to a quite respectable 3.0 even.

Oh welll.

Let the misery begin.

I'm Sorry

Feeling miserable.

Like I don't deserve friends.

Like all my friends should drop me and I should start over.

Not somewhere else, because I love it in New York, but to just get out, move, do SOMETHING.

I feel like Harris did before.

Like I hurt everyone around me.

EVERYONE.

Like the world just deserves better than me.

All I can really do is say I'm sorry and try NEVER to do this to anyone else I care about.

2009 bites right now. I'm just repaying everything I did in 2008. Everything.

I want to feel guiltless for once.

Like I deserve such good people to associate themselves with me.

For the last year, I've felt like good things shouldn't happen to me.

My original theory, suffer until the fates see fit...

Seems completely plausible now.

Do I deserve better?

Probably not.

A part of me wants to die.

The rest deems this worse.

To gradually lose everyone I've gotten close to.

Hurt.

Abused.

People deserve friends better than me.

The sad part is that I do the best I can with what I have.

My best isn't good enough.

It never has been.

My friends deserve better than me.

Everyone I know deserves better than me.

Way to kick off the year.

Knowing that 2008 was when I royally messed up at least three of my friendships, and 2009 is when I get to make all of it up.

A year of sins. A year of penance.

Don't want to think about what I did.

Can't be a better friend if I don't.

It won't matter what I do now.

It won't do any good.

The world knew where I stood.

Where I stand means nothing anymore.

I can't say I want my life back.

My life includes my friends, who deserve better.

Much better.

I wish I had the emotional resolve to die right now.

But I don't.

But I can't live with the guilt any longer.

I can't live with the thought that I have the potential to hurt someone I love (in a platonic way of course.).

Too much guilt to live, not enough resolve to die.

What else is there?

Penance.

But to who?

I need help.

Who can help me?

Concerning Hobbits

I have GOT to get in touch with my LOTR fan ness. So I found the world's hardest LOTR knowledge quiz. Hopefully this makes me feel a little better.

Beginning Questions

1. Just exactly what was the nature of the friendship between Gimli and Legolas?

Strictly friendship. Even if the nature of their friendship had gone further than that, which I'm sure it didn't, I'm sure Legolas and/or Gimli would have waited until the war was over, so they could go about it properly. A moonlit walk through Lorien or Moria, perhaps. (The only reason I went this route was because I know a lot of ay guys and I wanted to get the gay jokes out now, to shut up all the non-LOTR fans who read this.)

2. If Aragorn had the option, would he have ditched the Fellowship for a date with Pamela Anderson?

I think he wouldn't have. Pamela Anderson is married, and not very pretty anyway.

3. Why didn't Gandalf just blow up the armies that got in his way, if he was so powerful?

He's very low key, plain and simple.

4. How many times is the word "passed" used in LotR? (No peeking!)

Passed, in past, present or future?

5. What exactly was in lembas? (Hint: in Letters #210, JRRT says quite explicitly that lembas is not a "food concentrate".)

The Pop Tarts of Middle Earth. That is what Lembas is, the Pop Tarts of Middle Earth. The Fellowship needed a nutritious food that tasted good, so the Elves decided to supply them with their Pop Tarts. Eventually, they're going to come up with Middle Earth Hot Pockets.

6. Why didn't the hobbits in the Shire rise against Sharkey and his men sooner? (Were Frodo, Sam and the lads a cut above hobbitdom and thus extraordinary?)

They didn't have the resources, as the Shire was filled with peace loving people, and they wouldn't know how to take down Sharkey. They needed the push.

7. If Aragorn truly spent uncounted years as a lone Ranger, then where the hell is Tonto? And why doesn't he wear that mask?

He wasn't a lone Ranger. He had comrades and stuff, so he wasn't really alone. His many aliases were a mask in their own way.

8. If Frodo hung the Ring on a chain, why didn't the chain turn invisible?

Because the Ring needs a person or like a finger to work. No finger, no power.

9. When Isildur had control of the One Ring, why didn't he use it to command the Ringwraiths? Or the Elven-rings? Or the Dwarven-rings? He could have ruled the whole of Middle-earth with that Ring, yet he decided instead to just write a couple of letters and then go for an unfortunate swim. What's his problem, anyway? Was he stupid?

He probably didn't know it could do all that. And he probably was stupid.

10. When Legolas introduces Gimli to Treebeard, Gimli bows low and his axe falls to the ground. Treebeard notices this, but merely comments "Hoom! A Dwarf and an axe-bearer!" rather than smash Gimli to Play-Doh™. Doubtless you've heard of the poem, "Woodsman, Spare That Tree!"; did Tolkien have plans to write another version, titled "Tree, Spare That Woodsman!"?

I have actually never heard of the poem, so...Treebeard was probably just feeling nice. As the oldest of all living things, he knows when soembody's a threat to his forest.

11. Why is the tale of Beren and Luthien subtitled "Release from Bondage", when we never even once get to see her tied up? (And I was really hoping, too.)

Because mortality and death is a sort of bondage.

12. And if, as is likely, a bacterium had landed on the inner surface of the Ring, would the Ring corrupt it into an evil bacterium? Would it be invisible to other bacteria? Would its' life stretch out and become an unending weariness? Would it use its' increased strength and stature to rule over other bacteria? Would it fight to keep other bacteria from adhering to the Ring? Would it still evolve genetically, or would it instead become a Bacteria-wraith?

The bacterium probably wouldn't care. Bacterium don't care if they're evil. Their lives are probably unending wearinesses anyway, being single cells and all.

---

Advanced Questions

13. When the Dwarves of beautiful Khazad-Dum built their Western door, why did they allow it to be inscribed with the insulting name of "Moria" ("Black Pit"), a name that would only be earned long years afterwards?

They don't know Elvish so if the Elves were feeling contrary, they could put whatever they wanted on that stinking door.

14. Reconcile Tom Bombadil's statement that he is "Eldest" with Gandalf's statement that Fangorn is "the oldest of all living things". Extra Credit: suggest a valid date of birth for each of them. Document your answers.

Eldest noirmally refers to humans. Treebeard isnt human, thus ruling him out for teh title of Eldest.

15. Aragorn states (Two Towers, p. 18 hardback) that Sauron never uses the name "Sauron", nor does he "permit it to be spelt or spoken". Reconcile this text with the text of Return of the King, p. 164 hardback, where the Lieutenant of Barad-Dur clearly states, "I am the Mouth of Sauron".

Well, that's his mouth. Sauron could say his name whenever he wants, and if the lieutenant's his mouth, the lieutenant can therefore say whatever he wants, but only as Sauron. If he says it seperate from Sauron, he probably has hell to pay. Granted, Sauron's thoughts were bent on the Ring, and he was pretty easily distracted by the armada outside, and if he could see all, he could probably see Aragorn's distraction meeting, which makes Sauron an idiot for not knowing what was happening. So really, it's all his fault, and he deserved to get his ring destroyed. Sauron's probably rode the special bus, like that kid on the special bus shirt.

16. Though Moria is, by rightful ownership, Dain's, Balin nonetheless referred to himself as "Lord of Moria". Helm's Deep is clearly the property of the Rohirrim, being part of lands granted to them by Gondor long years ago, yet in Return of the King p. 360 hardback Gimli declares himself "Lord of the Glittering Caves". Explain the laws and history pertaining to Dwarven property rights, and how those differed from the customs of Elves and Men. For full credit your answer must also reconcile Dwarven property laws with the generous nature of Aule, the Dwarves' creator.

Dwarves apparently don't have property laws, which explains Gimli taking caves undr Rohan's stronghold. Aule's principles are probably on a what's yours is mine basis. Not such a bad, idea, really.

17. How would the history of Middle-earth have differed if Sauron had returned to Aman and received the judgement of Manwe at the end of the First Age, rather than remaining in Middle-Earth (Silmarillion p. 285 hardback)? Describe resultant cultural differences which would have taken place in the Second, Third and Fourth Ages. Special emphasis should be given to the cultures of the Grey Havens, Numenor (including the Dunedain and the Black Numenoreans), the Rohirrim, the Dunlendings and others descending from the peoples of the White Mountains, the Ents, the peoples of Khand, the Orcs (particularly those tribes living in the Grey, Misty and Ash Mountains and the Mountains of Shadow), the Elven peoples of Gil-Galad (include Elrond and the likelihood of Rivendell's being constructed), the Hobbits (beginning from when they were living in the Vales of Anduin), and the Haradrim (both Near and Far Harad must be covered for full credit). Also speculate on the differences in culture which would take place in Aman as Sauron describes his experience with evil to the Valar, Maiar, and Eldar living there. On Silmarillion p. 65, it states that "Manwe was free from evil and could not comprehend it"; would he gain an understanding of evil from the experiences of Sauron? Be prepared to defend your answer.

Ummm....if Sauron had returned to Aman, the whole War of the RIng wouldn't have happened. Or Manwe would have done the same thing to Sauron that he did to Morgoth, because he couldn't comprehend evil, and he might have let Sauron go. Or maybe he ould have learned. This is the biggest "what if?" question ever, and it's nearly impossible to answer. For a LOTR fan quiz, we're a very sadistic bunch, aren't we?

~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, that's it. I was just bored.

Leavin'

Liza's gone.

She's on her way to Utah as I type. I wish her all the best. I'm really sad to see her go.

And now Harris wants to move too. To Massachusetts.

This would really hurt me, even if we weren't friends. I don't want to see him go. My best friend for four years would be leaving, and after Liza's sudden departure, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, my best female friend dropped me, partly for my "hanging" with Harris and he's gonna leave right after that? I know I sound really selfish, but my blog, my feelings, screw anybody who thinks I'm being selfish, because I want the best for all my friends, even the ones who aren't my best friends anymore. I don't want any more people leaving me. I lost Jimmy, and now Rory, and I'm praying I don't lose Steve, or any of the friends I met through Rory, which would really hurt.

A bunch of friends of mine have threatened to move at one point or another. Liza just left, Harris just now, I think Sheets wanted to go to Arizona, and Jimmy did too, Rory's transferring, Steve's already in Boston, Marina's gone, Aiyanna just came back from Vermont and may go back. It hurts, man. I don't want to see anyone go. I don't want thr group that isn't splitting up any more than we have to.

But as much as it hurts me, I've got to come to terms with the fact that if they want to go, they want to go. Liza's gonna rock out in Utah. Steve's probably really happy in Boston, and I wish Rory all the best, if she cares what I think, even if what I think is good. I would just miss them like crazy, more than they'd ever know.

The irony of all this is that I got dropped sort of because I hung with them, and now they're either gone or thinking about leaving. It's almost like the cosmos are sending me somewhere else entirely. And I know for a fact that I will miss them very much. But if they leave, they leave, and there's nothing to be done about it.

My main prayer of the year is that 2009 doesn't suck. It's only been a day and a half, so I won't know if that has been answered yet. So far, I'm going through 2009 without Rory, Liza, and Jimmy. I don't know if I could handle anybody else leaving. It'll just hurt too much.

It's really sad, because we all said we'd be friends forever, and we'd keep in contact and stuff. And what happened? We didn't. I'm not gonna speculate on whose faul it is that we didn't stick to each other, but either way, whoever did it, we still didn't stay friends. Whether this was because of backstabbing or moving or a fight turned war, either way.

I think my time within the group that isn't taught me something. I don't think I should hang all I know to my friends. Some things really have to be worked out on my own. Neutrality sometimes isn't an option, and when you say something regarding that neutrality, you have to make sure it checks with your conscience first. Holding grudges doesn't sit with me very well, and it never has. I think in order for me to hold a grudge, or at least a long lasting one, somebody's life has to be in the balance, or my life's got to literally hang in the balance. Nobody's life was hanging in the balance, only people's feelings toward other people. That's weird though. Both Rory and Harris were fighting, but Harris never asked us to choose. Sure, he tried getting her number, but he understood when I didn't give it to him.

I stopped writing and now I'm back. Stupid connection.

I just ate Ravioli. It wasn't half bad.

Midnight Sun rocks.

Anyway, Happy New Year.

My resolution is threefold.

1) Go back to dance class. Hip hop and ballet. Aside from weight loss, I've been wanting to get into hip hop ever since I got obsessed with America's BEst Dance Crew and I've needed to get back into ballet to work on skills I've lost since childhood.

2) Step back from relationship drama. I need to work on me. Plain and simple. I spent most of 2008 emotionally incapacitated by a guy who either didn't want me or just didn't care that I wanted him. Plus, when it comes to relationships, I want to learn how to be better. The last thing I need is to hurt someone like I did to Jimmy, or even to Sheets. And I don't want to prattle on to my friends about how someone hurt me. I've got to look at myself as me, not as another person would want me to be. I need to be alone right now.

3) Meet new people. New things are the spice of life. Also, make new friends. I never really tried to make a lot of friends. I'm going to try to be more sociable with people I don't know. Even if that means bein a little more sociable with my new Aristite like classmates. They all seem very nice, even if I get the feeling that they think I'm bipolar. I remember all of us saying we didn't want to meet new people, and now we're all split up.

Anyway, I'll edit this later. I'm tired.

Happy New Year A

wazzap???

PRAISE THE A!!

I chose Happy New Year A specifically because there's an A in it. I got an A. I'm so estactically happy its not even funny.

Current stand on grades.

English:B
Intro to Acting:B (makes sense, I was missing stuff)
Arts of New York: A!!!
Shaping the Modern World: Nothing yet. Hopefully it's a B or over. I really need a B or over.
Italian:W (But you all knew that)

Current GPA: 3.33!!!

I may just make it.

New Schedule, which I've made my peace with. So what if I've got to come it at 9:30 and i"m not off Fridays? Screw it. I'm taking classes I really like and the last time I tried to fit a schedule I got into Italian. I go with my gut now.

						Instructor
CC 2.3	3.0		1297	MW9A	M,W 09:30-10:45AM 2207 J	V. TIRELLI
CHC 2	3.0		0357	TR2H	T,TH 02:15-03:30PM 2304 J	J. WILLS
ENG 11.1	3.0		0603	TR3	T,TH 03:40-04:55PM 236 NE	N. ALMEIDA
ENG 2	3.0		0563	MW2	M,W 02:15-03:30PM 3407 B	M. REECK
PSY 1.1	3.0		0944	MW11	M,W 11:00-12:15PM 222 A	I. ABRAMOV

Okay, now I'm confused. I've got to check my classes now. This isn't exactly what I'd signed up for.

But either way. Things have been sucking this month, but I just feel so much better now. My grades are rocking, I passed my seminar so even if history doesnt work out in my favor, I've still got my spot.

So. Happy. I. Can't. Stop. Dancing. LOL.

Now, I've got to clean a bit before I head to church to hang with Aiyanna. Whee.
~*~*~

I hung with ym cousin yesterday. She thinks I've got bad taste in boyfriends. I think she's gonna set me up. She's the cousin besides Ginie that I'm really close with, and I'd rather Mel set me up then Ginie, her being in high school and all. I was so shocked though. She was like "Christine, I'm happy you see people's inner beauty, but..." A part of me wanted to kill her, but nobodys every said that to me before. Either way, I thought it was really mean. SO I think she's gonna set me up to try to get me away from my trend of liking...I'm not ever sure what I like anymore. Every guy I like has gotten me into some sort of trouble. So I guess she'll try to steer me well, and I trust her. I should. She gave me my first sip of the liver poison known as beer. Maybe it's because I'm not 21, but I always knew it would taste terrible. I now resign myself to the fate of being the sissy with the fruit drink while my friends chug back beers. She said on my 21st birthday, she's gonna take m drinking. Whee. Another two years and I'll be wasted. LOL. Mad random. In the meantime, my liver will remain as pure as it can.

~*~*~
Watching I Love the New Millennium. It's where "Wazzap" comes from. lol.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

And Milf and Rabbit got kicked off. Annelis knows what I'm talking about.

Ack. Why is Sisqo on I love the New Millennium? His segment is "Girls I Wanted to See In Thongs in the New Millennium." Wow. Way to degrade, people.

They've also got "How Gay Was It?"

HA.

Gonna clean now. Bye.

Shadow of the Day (tentative title, may change)

Hello.

First and most important thing first. Rory has officially dropped me. Which hurts, but considering how Harris is virtually unforgivable, I assume my situation fares no better. All I know is that she thinks my definition of friendship and hers are just too different for us to fuction as friends anymore, so that's it. Apparently this is because I hung out with Liza and Harris last Sunday, even though by the time I'd IMed her to say hi, he had already been gone. So all I was really doing was hanging out with Liza and Ruben, and I didn't quite have the time to explain that.

My stance on Harris in general was that if he hurt me like he did before, I would drop him, no questions. But given his explanation to what happened with Jonathan, and taking into consideration what I saw when Jonathan and Ruben were all over each other, I made a judgement call that nobody had really done anything wrong, so I saw no problem in ending my part in the fight. Grudges to me are poison.

I can't hold a decent grudge for anything more than an hour. I feel like I'd rather forgive someone and be disappointed every once in a while, than cut myself off from them and lose a good friend. Sheets has hurt me too, but I didn't drop him either. Granted, I couldn't at the time, but I still wouldn't have, and I'm very happy he's still my friend.

Speaking of Sheets, upon reading his blog, that's it for any sort of romantic connection. I am more okay with this than I have ever thought possible. I'm so surprisingly okay with this that I have shocked myself. Three reasons on my side:

1) Jimmy is still one of my best friends, even if I can't exactly pinpoint what one thing I did wrong, I want to respect what he has to say.
2) If Rory's not friends with me, I wouldn't want to date one of her friends and make it harder for her to forget me. I won't make anything harder for anyone.
3) I'm done waiting for things that I know aren't going to happen. To be honest, I was a little hopeful about all of this, but there are certain sagas I would now rather leave a mystery.

Waiting around only wastes time apparently. From now on, no more dating friends, no more dating close friends. I need someone who likes me for me, and can take the good with the bad and all that other stuff. I'm pretty forthcoming with my flaws, so whoever this unlucky soul is will know what they're getting into.

Now that I've mentioned Jimmy, aparently everybody knows his issue with me save for me. I've got some ideas, but they won't tell me, because I've got to find out myself. Even Sheets's sister Sammy texted me, indignant of my ignorance. Way to send the relatives on me. Sammy's cool though, so it's okay. I've done a bunch of bad things to him, and I remember how much I've hurt him. I've also stressed the fact that I want to fix things with him. I want to b his friend, a better friend than I was to him in the past. I want to be a better friend to all the friends I have left.

It's funny, because Harris actually said a while ago that I'd be the next one to get dropped out of the group, and he was right. His predictions are almost never right. I happened to be with Liza and Ruben when Rory dropped me, and she told Harris, who sounded furious when he randomly called me. That's the sad thing. No matter how untrustworthy Harris was and how much he lied, he never dropped me, proving that he has been better. Believing anybody is hard, because as much as you can't trust someone who lies, someone who tells the truth and drops you is

To me, grudges hurt everybody involved and I'd rather set myself up for disappointment than block all potential pain out. My most valuable lessons have come from pain. Most of the things I have learned about relationships have come from the long, dragged out bickering with Harris, and the heart-wrenching pain from the unrequited Sheets thing. I'm just glad I'm not the mess of second term senior year. I know about unrequitedness too. That's why Jimmy's pain breaks my heart.

I want to be his friend. I also want to stay friends with Steve and Sheets. Hopefully we still can, in light of recent events.

I'm gonna go now. I guess I'll feel better soon.

Bye, if anybody actually is gonna read this now that I'm not actually in the group anymore.

Either way, goodbye.

Carol of the Bells

Hiya. Merry Christmas, dear blog readers.

I've been getting depressing again, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perfectly valid (family turmoil, for one thing). But some of my reasons for being depressing are not so valid, and they're impeding on my ability to decide what's important and what isn't. So, before I try to be happy this Christmas Eve, I'll add some more misery. Then the sadness leaves the blog for the rest of the entry.

The funeral was heartbreaking, plain and simple. No amount of mental preparation prepared me for any of that. My aunt was a mess, everybody was crying. We were only there for what felt like forever, but it was probably like twenty minutes. I was behind my aunt and the service was in spanish, so I didnt see the minister, like it mattered. She was screaming near the end, and I feel like my strongest memory of that aunt won't be of her petting my hair throughout my childhood in a way that annoyed me so, it'll be her screaming at Jose's funeral. My uncle Romel, ever the emotional rock, didnt look like he'd cried, which didn't surprise me. But who am I to tell someone how to grieve?

Apparently my mom is. Harris's Christmas party was today,and I'd opted out because, you know, funerals and parties don't mix. (Unless you really didn't like the desceased. And that was my cousin, and I love him very much.) Harris really wanted me to go, and he'd finaly convinced me to stop by to pick up a present he'd very thoughtfully picked. (Which was "Lost Ate My Life" this LOST fandom book. I'd originally wanted the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book complete with script, but he'd gotten that instead.) So I call my mom saying I want to stop by and maybe stay for a bit. She said, and I quote: "Your cousin just got buried, I would have thought you'd show more respect, you're not going." When I ask why, she acts like that was exactly what I wanted. Really? What I actually want is for my cousin to be ALIVE, and not buried near Cleveland, which has nothing to do with Harris's party. Nobody should tell anybody how to grieve for a loved one. I've never lost anyone this close, I was almost expecting I'd be one of those misplaced grief people who giggle through funerals and cry through weddings. Thank God, I'm not. Granted, I see humor in sad movies sometimes. But thats besides the point. Nobody should say how someone else should grieve. Then she apologizes for jumping down my throat about what I'm going to wear tomorrow to my aunt's little gathering, and nagging me to look pretty and stuff. Yeah, that's the apology I want to hear. What I really wanted to hear was the apology for guilting me into spending Christmas Eve alone with my thoughts. But I can't tell her that. I haven't felt like I could even tell her about my day without doing some random thing wrong. So I close up with her, and open up to my friends, like Rory and Steve and all of them. Lots of stuff, that I could trust family with, but I don't. because family's closer, therefore, more likely to critisize. Friends choose you. Family's stuck with you.

Speaking of friends, after the funeral, I decide to visit my old room in Ginie's house, where Jose used to sleep whenever he stood over and I wasn't there. I end up sitting in there for awhile, reading a Collections of Madeline book. (you know, the little french girl? Twelve little girls in two straight lines? IF you don't know, you were deprived.) So I'm reading, trying to forget the morning as best I can, and I get an IM from Sheets. Now, anybody reading from the last couple of days knows that he started fighting with me over stolen music that I stole from him like...awhile ago, on the day I tell him my cousin just died. It's nice of him, but it was confusing nonetheless, so I decide to ask if the fights over, which would be good news for me. He says yeah, because it's Christmas and I'm clarly going through a rough time. I point out that I was going through a hard time to begin with, when this whole thing began. He simply states that he got over it, and proceeds to talk about something else. Honestly, I'm completely perplexed. One doesn't normally call a friend a hypocrite for pointing something out and verbally poke and prod over something they feel is important, then suddenly get over it due to extenuating circumstances. He confuses me. It's mindboggling. And it isn't fair.

My resolution in the last entry still stands. I hav acknowledged that waiting around will only make things worse, and make for a "Four Month Journey into Heartbreak and Hell, Act 2." And I know I deserve better than waiting around for something that might not happen. I am not saying I wouldn't wait for circumstances to arise where something COULD be possible. The inner hopeless romantic won't let me completely abandon the cause. Perhaps a part of e will always want to know, always want to wait, and I can indulge that. But I refuse to be the lovesick person I was throughout TOMMY. That's not fair to anyone, and I refuse to be the female version of one of the few things I myself cannot live with: a person who makes their other half their ultimate priority. Granted, I've always been that way, but not because of lovesickness, but more because of loyalty. I can proudly say I'v never cheated on a guy I was in a relationship with. I ain't on that shit. (Yay for Chris Rock.). Hopefully everybody gets where I'm coming from.

As for the Jimmy part of the situation. I've of many opinions on him and his opinions of everything. One part of me really dislikes him for it. I like him, it's alleged he likes me (I never have the courage to just ask myself). Another part of me understands. I remember my feelings of weirdness when Harris formally introduced me to Sam. I think part of the reason why I see him with a guy is because if he's with a girl, I'll see what I did wrong with him, and I really don't want to see that. It'll be gross. I loved Harris, and seeing him with another girl, feelings for Sheets or not, was weird. And if Jimmy still loves me, it would probably be weirder. I can also understand that whole loyalty thing. Well, loyalty is loyalty, I can totally respect that. But a part of me thinks that love means wanting them to be happy, no matter what that means.

The lines are fading to grey, aren't they?

Fell asleep. Sorry.

Anyway, Ginie told me yesterday how to get free themes for my sidekick. But she told me it was justfor her kind, the LX. BUt a bit of searching and a computer switch to my HP later, WHEEE!!! Free themes. I've got a couple favorites, like my Shadow the Hedgehog one, and my love is a rainbow one and my Twilight one and...and...my Mario and my Little Mermaid and my weird Joker one. I've got lots. lol.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone. Now, I'm gonna try to get games. lol hee.

Watch Monk. It's funny.

Gone

Hello all. I have just finished school for the term. And I might be getting an A in arts! Whee!

That was the only good thing today.

It still hasn't entirely hit me that Jose's gone. I still feel like I'm gonna see him tomorrow...at his funeral. It doesn't help that I bought The Dark Knight and watched the lieutenant guy fake his own death and capture the Joker. The lieutenant got shot too. I've been watching Pirates 3 too. More gunshot deaths. Granted they're for the barnacle covered pirates. So that's not too bad.

But all the Hollywood magic in the world won't bring my cousin back. And it isn't fair. It also isn't fair that not even the paper knows what the hell happened to him that made somebody shoot him. More than once too. Chest and back, the article said. He was a good person. What the hell? Who shoots a good person? If anything, shoot BAD people, who shoot good people. But what defines bad people? We've all done bad things.

And one bad thing I did has me in trouble with a dear friend of mine. Stealing stolen music is bad, especially when it's somebody elses. And I don't want to fight with him anymore. Because its not about the music, its about the fact that I stole from him.

And he's right.

Even if I took it A WHILE ago. My only complaint is: why now? Why bitch me out for taking your files the day I tell you my cousin got shot? Any other day would have been fine. Yell at me on Christmas Day if you want. But not the day I tell you I spent the whole day at Ginie's baking the grief away.

Granted, I've been hearing reports of his increasing apathy. Apathy excuses nothing in my book, but it's always been common knowledge that one of the few people I break my own standards for is him. My closest friends have no faults in my book, really, unless a close friend points out the flaws to me in a way I'll get or understand. The point being: I'm easily manipulated, and I know it.

I'm also very passive aggressive. That I know. Yesterday, in the argument about the music and stealing which I totally conceded to, I said (kind of stupidly) that he didn't have to be passive aggressive about making me guess what I did wrong. The issue was brought up the day before and I thought it was all over when he's still mad at me. I try for a friendly hello, and I end up nearly crying in the computer lab at school. When I said he did that one passive aggressive thing, he jumps down my throat, calling me a hypocrite, saying I do the same thing.

That's the thing. I know I do it. I've admitted to being passive aggressive. Passive aggressive disorder actually runs in my family. It's a real disorder, and my dad has it, according to real records.

If I haven't admitted it before here it is: I am passive aggressive. Sometimes I'm bitchy. Sometimes I'm inconsolably sad, or insufferably happy, and I'm bipolar that way. I know this about myself, and I have no problem saying this. I'm a disheveled basket case.

I also didn't know until yesterday that Jimmy lied. I can say this here because I am reasonably assured that he doesn't read my blog, therefore, I can say whatever I want. Apparently he's not okay with it. Which I am, suprrisingly, okay with.

Think about it, dear readers of my blog. I'm an admitted basket case. It would be worse if I didn't know, but as it is, I do know, so whatever. And I apparently have a knack for doing stupid things that get my friends mad at me. Consider the music stealing thing. A person is pissed at me because I stole in general. I know I shouldn't have done that. And I've apologized for it. And it's still there.

And I end up visibly depressed whenever he gets mad at me, because, as I think I've told Rory and Harris, he's one of the only people who can still make me cry with something he says. One of the few people who could hurt me really badly without doing as much. And I'd still take it, and I have no idea why. It's not healthy, and I know it's not. I also know it has nothing to do with the fact that I like him or loved him (PAST Tense on the love, just so everyone knows). It's just one of those things I've got to live with.

If I'm distraught from a friend being mad at me, how will I cope when I've got relationship issues? With another heartbreak? My last heartbeak was nearly a year ago, and I still feel the pain when I remember how it felt, how I handled it.

I know I'm older now, and wiser. But with every issue solved for me, I gain yet another weird quirk, or idiosyncracy.

If something happens, so be it. But for now, I'm happy just to try to figure myself out again. You can't really like someone without liking yourself, I guess. I haven't really had a good grip on my own identity since I got my heart shattered last year. Its probably why I jumped into an ill-planned engagement a few months ago, or why I'm so emotionally dependent on people. I guess I haven't been confident in myself in awhile.

So let the quest for my identity begin! Hee.

And now for the world outside my psyche: school's over. Harris is getting me the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book. Lost is in a month. Real Chance of Love was pushed to next Monday. We won't know if Bay Bay Bay or Milf gets knocked off. Because we know it's not Corn Fed. Ha.

My cousin's death got like 10 sentences in the paper. No arrests yet, which blows. The funeral's tomorrow morning in Brooklyn. I'm getting picked up.

My mom says I'll be so emotionally drained from the funeral that I'm not gonna want to do anything else. Namely, Harris's shindig. I would have gone, but given the circumstances...I'm staying with the family. Its the right thing to do.

I've never been to a funeral before. I have no idea what to expect. And I have no idea how to say goodbye to my cousin. He's my cousin. Isn't he always there? Won't he always be with me? When he isn't with Anthony or Tia Caro or any other member of my family, of course.

He was always such a happy guy. That much I do remember from the last time I saw him.

The last time anybody from the family saw him was last week. Danny's girlfriend, Tricia hung out with him. And the last time they talked to him, he said something about me. He said that if there was one thing he knew about me, it was that I wasn't stupid. I was smart, and I had a good head on my shoulders, and that I needed to stay friends with Ginie, because we grew up like sisters and that's how we should stay.

He's probably right. Family is important, and between school and my closest friends becoming family to me, I've lost sight of that.

I'm going to go now. I feel like I've written everything in my head. And I feel like there's too much in there.

In conclusion, funeral tomorrow, I'm sorry, Sheets, for taking stuff and making you mad, and I hope we can just be friends, and praise the A.

Bye everyone

PS: this Gone is different from the last Gone, if I used one. It's not the same one.

Teardrops on My Guitar

I'm not a happy camper right now. My reasons for not being happy are two to threefold.

One, most importantly: My cousin has died a very violent, senseless death. This upsets me more than anybody will ever know. IT isn't fair what happened to him. It shouldn't happen to anybody. And the funeral's on Wednesday, and I'm going with Ginie and the rest of the family I have all but neglected for the past few months.

Two, far more predictably: Sheets is mad at me because I stole his music some time ago. If my Mac weren't being weird, I'd empty my computer of music I wouldn't have gotten if not for him. The Coheed and Cambria stuff, for sure. I wouldn't have gotten a lot of that without him. I only listen to like three albums anyway, I'm not sure why. The RENT stuff I would have gotten if I'd bought the CDs. Granted, I shouldn't have taken it anyway. So that goes too. I think I took a Killers song too. But I would hav downloaded it anyway, so that's that. Either way, he's not actually talking to me, so it doesn't matter what I do with it until he chooses to talk to me.

Three, of varying importance: MY GRADES. Nuff said.

I can't handle all of this. One, or even two of these things in one weekend would have been fine. BUt all three? It's not fair.

Nothing is fair anymore. My friend's pissed at me for something I did a while ago, my cousin is gone and he can't come back, and I may or may not lose my scholarship.

Not a good week for me.
watching the dark knight.
being sad.

Captain Walker

"Captain Walker didn't come home..."

My cousin died today.

He got shot, which is the only thing I know. I spent all day with my dad's side of the family, who I haven't seen collectively in nearly a year.

I was playing Tales of Symphonia yesterday, and I had no idea that that was my cousin's last day.

Apparently, he went to a funeral, then he was with his girlfriend and two of his friend started shooting at each other and he got caught in the crossfire.

One thing I can't aquaint myself with is the fact that he's dead. I hadn't seen him in a while, so...I feel bad, because I haven't really seen him. I'm not sure if we were ever close like the way Danny and him were, or the way Ginie and I used to be.

It isn't fair. He was like 22. He had a kid. He left behind a grieving family, a toddler, her mother, a grieving girlfriend...

They caught two guys for questioning. That's all I know. His friends carried him five blocks to the hospital and they worked on him for maybe twenty or forty minutes before they decided that they couldn't save him. Apparently he got shot a few times through the back and maybe once through the neck maybe, that's the way I heard my dad describe it.

Jonathan got me through this whole day. He kept me entertained, with his relationship issues and teasing me about my relationship situation. Things like "How's your Joey? Not my Joey, but your Joey." When I told him I didn't have a boyfriend, he was like "That's because it's not official yet." This got a laugh out of me, and he was the only one to do it. Rory and Sheets had their Rory Sheets day, so I didn't want to ruin their day. I called Rory, meaning to tell her, but she never answered, and I called Sheets, but I got the vibe that this was their day, so I decided not to bother them. Harris was out of contact all day, and according to Jonathan, he's with Liza. So Jonathan singlehandedly made this day better. That I have to thank him for. He was a good friend to me today. I'll tell Harris, Rory, and Sheets tomorrow. They probably had a good day, so I don't want to depress them. Plus, there's supposed to be another Tales of Symphonia Day, anyway. I've got to tell them. They'd understand, or at least try to help me through this. That's what friends are for, right?

My cousins have decided baking helps the heart mend, so that's what we've been doing. Baking. I made my cookies, with a marble twist, Ginie and Tricia's cousin Amanda made cupcakes, Andrew made brownies. We all made something. I just managed to get away from the frosting and the cake mix long enough to write this blog, which I really needed to write. I needed the time to get everything straightened out in my head.

I still can't believe it. Every few minutes I have to stop myself from asking where he is. Because I know, and everybody knows, what happened today.

Got to eat now. Bye.

~*~*~*~

Hi.

Harris and Liza stopped by here when I called him. They stood here for like an hour to be sure I was okay. Thanks Harris and Liza.

Tales of Symphonia is supposed to be today. Can't wait.

Go for It!

Thanks to Sheets, I've been downloading game soundtracks. It's lots of fun. This song is from the original Kingdom Hearts soundtrack. Whee. I've got both KHs, two Katamari Damacy's, Sonic Heroes, including the vocal mix, and Burnout and Need for Speed Underground. LOL.

Anyway, according to Rory's actual words and Sheets's blog, which has written words, Jimmy has stated that he dosn't care what I do. Rory even stated that because the guy in question was somebody he knew and cared about, he didn't care as much. Had it been Harris on the other hand...actually, now that I think of it, if it had been Harris, he wouldnt have evn asked, he would have just done it. And while I'm in this situation for doing the right thing, I'd rather me hurting than him.

Which leaves this whole situation out of his hands. Therefore, this isn't something Jimmy can control anymore. So who does? Who plays their next card? If I had the guts, it would probably be me. But I don't have the guts or the spine. RElationshipwise, I'v always been the person to be more laid back, to not make the desicions. To me, that was the guy's thing. Either this is because I'm generally laid back, or it's because I'm a coward. I don't think I'm a coward in anything else, besides ice skating (Rory, Jonathan, we never speak of that again. I want to go abck to clear my good name).

Jonathan said something on the ice skating rink that's really stuck with me. He said I'm always taking the safe route. This was because I didn't want to fall on my ass. I had a bad experience on the practice roller rink a few years ago, leaving me unable to sit down for nearly a week, and spraining my arm, leaving me in pain for a good month. Ice is blah to me. I've got no issues with water, it's ice. (damn, I'm an idiot.) Either way, I believe I've stuck myself in a rut. I've got to do something about this. And as much as I want to bring up where Jimmy's extraction from this leaves us, I don't want to ruin anything. On the other hand, I'm sick of teetertottering.

Rory said that people can take breaks from their significant other. Not breaking up, a la Ross and Rachel (heh), but more like taking time for other people, and establishing your own person. I've actually never done that, and it's an interesting concept. I never did that while with Harris, but that was partly because I felt like I didnt need it. Well, I needed it. Badly. And I know now. I know all the things that both Harris and SHeets said I did wrong, even if Harris was being a jerk and Rory's disproved Sheets's points. And I know not to do that anymore.

o0o! My project ROCKED. Everybodys aid it was entertaining.

OMG! Kristen Chenoweth on FRASIER? Awesome.

Hopefully I make my GPA.

MY two finals are on Monday.

Tales of Symphonia day is today. Whee. Me as Sheena, Harris as Genis (I think), Jonathan as Zelos/Kratos (I think), Sheets as Collet (That much I do know) and Sammy as Presea (Kickass character, I wish my personality was like hers. I've got Sheena the ninja, though. So no worries.)

Got Guitar Hero for the DS. I'm getting better at it. I nearly did "This Love" perfectly. And I did "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" on MEDIUM my first day with it.

OMG. Britney Spears on Will & Grace? That's funny.

Annelis and I got into Real Chance of Love. We both hate this one evil girl, Bay Bay Bay. And I joined VH1 specifically to bombard their pages with questions and long words to see if they're actually competent. Because I don't think they are.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave now. I've got to get ready for Tales of Symphonia Day.

It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish

I'm kind of mad.

I want an industrial. Badly. Harris has one, Rory's got a nose piercing and one on her ear. I have been bitching about the industrial since I was about fourteen. It's my body, why can't I make desicions about it? Answer, because my mom says so. Melanie was saying that the industrial would get wrapped around my hair and it would pull on me while I sleep. I have already said I'd be willing to cut my hair to maintain the thing. I've said it a lot. I've even been looking for haircuts. But no. She says befoe I even think of cutting it, I've got to condition it, because it can't be cut right now. Wouldn't my hair be better off short, so I can take care of it better?

She said Rory was having an identity crisis because she got her nose and ear done and dyed her hair. Seriously? Then what was Melanie having? An identity lobotomy? What the hell? What about Liza and Harris? They did it because they liked it. And Harris and I had always said we'd get one. Too bad he totally broke the pact and got one on his own.

Melanie's telling me she can get my mom to agree to something that isn't an industrial. I want an industrial though, so it really isn't fair.

I can't even dye my hair anymore, because she says it'll damage. It will, but that's besides the point. I've put a dye bottle to my head a grand total of maybe five or six times. That is not enough to damage it the way the salon people said it was. Meanwhile, my mother has rerlaxed her hair every two weeks for most of my childhood, and her hair is less damaged? Really? Maybe the salon people were just trying to get a little more out of the eighteen year old with lots of hair. You think that's more likely? I think so. But she'll never see it that way, because I don't plan, so the way I do things is wrong. The way I decide to treat my own newly legal body is wrong.

And then she wonders why I don't talk to her about anything. Why I always seem angry at her. Why I don't want to even tell her the details of my day anymore. Because every time I have an exceptionally good day, I go home and have to aquaint myself with the fact that as soon as I walk in, the day is over. Because she kept at the "your straight friend yu like is gay" joke until I lost it. And she didn't even accept that it bothered me. All she said was that I've suddenly got very sensitive. And that really hurts me.

She likes to tell people that I never tell her anything, that I'm the difficult one. I know I'm difficult. I do not deny that. But I'm not going to apologize when someone doesn't take my feelings into consideration. I got angry for a reason, and she can't say "I'm sorry I upset you," instead of "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." All she says is that she's sorry I got upset, but she was the one who was right, and I shouldn't have gotten so upset.

She even tells me who to date, who I should and shouldn't have feelings for. She said I can't date Harris or Jonathan, which is funny, because they're together. I don't care, but if this whole situation materializes, I'm telling her the truth. I am not going to lie about it.

Everybodys suggested for me to move out. But go where? She'd have me check in wherever I am.

If I'm supposed to grow up, be a responsible adult, and make my own informed desicions, how can I do it with adults guiding me the whole way through?

~* ~*~*~

On to lighter matters.

I did my presentation. God, help me, hope I do well.

Got new, green headphones.

Finals coming up. Aaack. Scary.

Mel's been staying with me. At least there's somebody to talk to. I nearly told her I'd been engaged. But something tells me she'd sell me out. Adults and all.

Anyway, goodbye.

Supermassive Black Hole

Hey, everyone.

I LOVE my Twilight soundtrack. MY dad surprised me with it today, before we went to go see The Day The Earth Stood Still. I read in the RENT as Religion fanfic that Keanu Reeves can't act his way out of a wet paper bag. Well, I disagree. He can't act his way out of a wet plastic bag. That's better than a paper bag, but it's still really robotic. He does the same kind of movies and stuff. He's either some sort of being foreign to the Earth, or a human sent into a machine.

This song is by Muse and I loves it so. It's the scene where the vampires are playing thunder baseball.

As to the events of this weekend, I will speak of them as I think of them.

I went to the Cleveland concert and heard the mixed bag that was the acapella Bohemian Rhapsody.  Due to earlier emotional stress and the sheer happiness of being reunited with my dear singing friends, I cried into Ruben and Alan when I saw them, and wouldn't let Ruben go for a long while. I feel terrible for being so needy. Ruben, Alan, if you ever find this blog, sorry about that.

Harris is missing in action. Jonathan informed me of this yesterday. After helping him search around for him and turning up nothing, he's still gone. I'm a little worried, to tell the truth. Whenever he disappears, it's because he lost his phone, and then he gets online to inform the world that the thing is gone. Now, he's just gone. It's weird. *milk carton side: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HARRIS?*

Jimmy is still not speaking to me. What's worse, I've been kept out of certain hangout situations involving him so as not to start a fight. It really hurts me actually. I did exactly what he told me to do. I told him that I liked someone, told him exactly who, even told him what had happened (which amounted, and still amounts, to NADA.). ANd he ended up doing EXACTLY what I expected he'd do, get mad at me and say I didn't care about him. And hes forbidding David to speak to me. I'm the only one now without a way to contact him, because Jimmy's number one rule is that David not speak to me, and Rory was like it's not a good idea. It blows because he acts like I'm a child and I can't speak to who I want...or I can't like who I want, or that I can even choose who I have feelings for. I don't think I'd even choose differently if I could. 

As it's a day later since I've addressed this interenet window, I'd liek to say that at Rory's bidding, I'm not allowed to talk to Jimmy. This bothers me, but what can I do? I want him to be happy. 

Rory and Harris are on a very weird kind of stable ground. Which is good. I have nothing more to say about it, besides...nope, the whole thing is their business. 

I present my project tomorrow. MY beloved laptop will venture out of the house tomorrow. God, that scares me. And another group needs it, which bothers me. Oh well, what can you do? I can be nice. Amina and Vemal can use my laptop if they want. 

I present my project today.

Good luck and godspeed to me. 

Taking my laptop to school today. Ack, thats creepy.

Apparently Rory and Sheets talked to Jimmy. And he doesn't care what I do. So this is out of his hands. I don't know if I should ask where that leaves everything, or if I should wait it out. FOr now, I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna pressure anybody to do anything. 

Melanie did my hair today. She tied it up and put pins in it. Ack. Oh well, what can you do?

I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

I guess I'll figure it all out. 

Class

Pissed off, but not really.

My classes rock, the times suck.

Monday- 1100 has me at Intro to Psych, then waiting two hours till 215, when ill be in english 2. An if is chorus at 630-910.

Here's where it starts sucking.

Tuesday- 930 is People, Power,, and Politics, then a good four hour wait till the peopling of NYC. Ten minutes later, I've got intro to creative writing which ends at 455.

Wednesday- see Monday.

Thursday- people of NYC at 215, and creative writing, and im out by 455. Same as I've got now.

Friday- People, Power, and Politics. Again. 930-1045. This angers me, as I was of fridays, and now I'm not. I guess I'll live, though. I've got to.

Either way, this blows.

Goodbye. I have class.

Go All The Way (Into The Twilight)

Waiting for Rory to get out of work.

Bored. Slightly confused. Madly in love with Twilight. May go the fanfic route. I already have a kickass idea that I've trawled through endless fanfics to see if it's been taken. It hasn't. This is scary. I wrote about LOST, and soon Twilight. My LotR stuff always sucked. Maybe I could try that again. But I don't want to. Not right now.

This does NOT mean that I'm not a Tolkienite. I totally am. It's just....I've grown up significantly. I can be obsessed with different things. I miss my LOTRness though. It reminds me of who I was before I started making emotional messes of myself. Tolkien is still my favorite writer, and LOTR is still my favorite movie. But as for books...Breaking Dawn is up there, as is The Chronicles of Narnia. I need to reread LOTR. Remind myself of the person I was. Still am, under all the stress.

My favorite character is probably Jacob. Don't get me wrong, I know that Bella belongs with Edward, but Jacob stood by her. The whole time, even through a slightly fatal pregnancy. And I was happy that he found his true love. Even though that was the girl he previously loved's daughter. Imprinting it was called. Circle of life I guess.

It made me think, really. The concept that someone is out there for you, waiting for you, from before you're even born. That no matter what, they're always going to be there, because they can't bear to be without you. The thought of leaving the person you love would be painful for you, like ripping off a limb. It's a little sick that some of those wolves imprinted on kids, and Jacob imprinted on Nessie when she was born (albeit she was gonna grow up faster to catch up anyway), but in a twisted way, it's romantic. With a biological tie to another person, you'd never really be alone. Would you?

Now that I'm done speculating on destined romance, which I'm not even sure I believe in, I'm gonna just ramble about life.

I am currently finishing off chapter 27, and I may pick up a fanfic I've been thinking about in my head. I'm not sure how the book is coming, but my readers (Harris and Sheets, but mostly Sheets, I don't think Harris reads mine) seem to enjoy it. Sheets likes to bug me on what's going to happen next. Which I find funny, because I just write as it comes. I don't mind it though. It helps me think. Not many things Sheets does bothers me anymore. It's almost amusing. I think I've even picked up his apologizing habit. He was like if you apologize one more time I'm gonna hit you. That was Rory too. Maybe it's one or the other. I always forget.

Rory asked if he'd talk to Jimmy yesterday. From what she told me this morning, they're going to talk, and I absolutely positively cannot be there. She said he has a hold over me. Something like that. I'm not so sure how strong this alleged hold is, actually. I believe her, no doubt, considering the tears I've shed over the last couple of weeks. The friend I lost. I'm not saying he jumped into my subconscious and made me destroy my friendship with Liza, but if I hadn't felt like I owed him, maybe I wouldn't have done it. Maybe i would have been able to explain to Liza that my fight wasn't with her, it was because I owed him the pain I'd caused him.

Maybe that's why I apologize so much now, to Sheets and Rory. I don't want to hurt them, I seriously trust them both with my life. Especially Sheets and Rory. I can't decide who I'd trust more. Equal is as equal does.

I hope this all works out. That everybody gets to be happy.

If only I hadn't been guilted however long ago into believing that all of his suffering was my fault. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to apologize to everyone. Rory said herself that he sees things on a different scale. Harris said something similar. If Sheets said something about it, I don't remember now. He did say that he's going to make sure Jimmy isn't hurt by anything. Which is a relatively noble cause, I can't judge him for that. Then again, I don't really judge him for much. I'm not sure if I ever have, besides his crazy addiction to Light my Candle. He's got like twelve recordings now. Twelve! Random in every sense.

I wish I could help make Jimmy's pain go away, but my doing that apparently makes it worse. So per Rory's words, I'll stay away from that conversation. I've got to.

Maybe that's what will fix it.

On another topic, I'm sure I've captured "weird girl" in CUNY Honors perfectly. Either that. or they just don't like me. Or they think people who live in Queens are weird. but that's impossible, considering a bunch of them are from Townsend Harris. A Queens school. Curiouser and curiouser. Maybe they just don't like hyper people.

Today in acting, I turned off my hyperness. I'm playing a really old lady for my final, and he's telling me I have to be very very slow, and very very deliberate with my movements and my words. It wasn't as hard when I did Berthe. And he knew it was hard too. My scene partner did too. The whole class did. They were trying to help me say something I truly believed. I believe in God, and that I'm saved and all that, but if I said that and didn't sound convincing...In church, those are the words that matter. And I'm not messing them up, despite the lovely example I've been. One girl asked me if I'd make it through college, and if I believed it. I said I hoped so. Heh. I don't believe in anything. Sort of.

I've got to come in Fridays. No way around it. Drat.

Crap. I'm stuck doing housework today. Damn. I'm just going to grit my teeth and wait for my two weeks of long earned freedom. Which I bet won't be free, so I'm trying my very best to not look forward to having the house all to myself.

Speaking of which, Max had to go. He apparently has a better life now. He's still alive, but he's waiting for a new family. I hope he misses us, but not enough that he'll be sad. And I hope he remembers the kids.

Well, that's all for now.

Toodleloo.

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

Today is Jani's party.

Happy birthday, Jani. 

I found a kickass study abroad program that I am going to ask my mom and my guidance person about. 

Hopefully they cover it and my mom has no qualms about sending me to Romania for three weeks.

Whee.

I feel a little better about everything. I'm not hung up over waiting for an answer from anyone anymore. I know now to expect absolutely nothing from anyone that will get me hurt if I expect a lot and get nothing. I've got no issues with fighting with people that are wrong when I am right. 

Take my fight with Liza, which isn't really a fight. I know I didn't betray her, and I know that I tried to stay out of it. I also know that I'm not fake. I hope I'm not anyway. I believe that I'm not.

Also, take my fight with Jimmy. I know I didn't betray him by being friends with Liza, or admitting I liked Sheets, for that matter. I also know that I am not a little girl, and I don't need to ask permission to date anyone, or to like anyone, or to be friends with anyone, or anything of that sort. He's not my mom. I'm an adult and all, but she's my mom and due to that whole parental thing, for certain things, I do listen to her. Sometimes she is right, and sometimes she's okay. Like the time she let me drink. Hee. But to ask Jimmy like whatever I do causes him pain? I never meant to hurt him, and I've tried to make things up to him. I'm beginning to realize that nothing will ever make him get the fact that I have tried to do whatever I could to make things better. Short of becoming a nun, I don't see that happening. 

Now I'm kind of sad. 

The blog title is random, because this blog is random. And I needed to vent. And the fight with Jimmy and the what the hell about the whole relationship situation isn't something I want to talk about right now. Even though I've been dealing pretty well.

I don't want to be depressing any longer.

When I Grow Up

Doll Domination ROCKZ.

My favorite song right now is I Hate This Part. Expect a blog named after it. 

Jimmy IMed me, but I was on the train or sleeping, so I didn't get it. He wants to talk to me. 

I'm not sure how to handle this. Liza isn't talking to me, so there goes that complication. My relationship life isn't going very far right now, and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I do have to start focusing. Showing the program that I care about being there, and not just for the money.

What he's put me through isn't fair. It's really not. It's reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. Both sides of the "fighting but not fighting" have seen me break down just a couple inches more every time. 

What he says hurts. 

I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I did the "right thing" and told him how I felt about somebody else. He said it didn't matter what I did, or who I dated, just that I told him and didn't allow him to get blindsided because I felt he couldn't handle it. Then when he finds out he ostracizes me because I didn't tell him the truth. At last I took the advice of my friends and valued his opinion. Now a very close friend of mine won't speak to me because she thinks I'm fake for protecting him, when he really doesn't deserve it. Does he?

Does he deserve to sabotage me because I made him miserable?

Do I not deserve to come out and say who I like without consequences because he doesn't want me to be happy?

Everyday

I've decided I'm going to update this blog whenever I can. Even if I've got nothing to say. Just because I'm writing doesn't mean I've lost the right to vent whatever feelings I have, and I can say how my day went. Thingss like that.

Anyway, yesterday, Rory told my mom how far back this whole shebang goes. She didn't say why this whole shebang is going on though. Thank God.

In the words of Gandalf: "The board is set, and the pieces are moving."

The only thing is, how do we know if Frodo's still alive?

What's the point of fighting if the cause is dead, and the evil people have the Ring? Why keep on with the drama if there aren't two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness? What are we helping?

Someone tells me that, and I'm all for it. Till then, I will mourn the loss of Frodo and Sam and stay out of the fight, thank you. I hope everyone can respect that.

God, Lord of the Rings can relate to anything can it? But more on that later.

As for my own slice of the fight: I'm not talking to Jimmy. Makes sense for now. Rory mentioned to me that in order to bring the truth to light, I'd have to forsake my own fight. But if I do that, I'd have to continue to let him manipulate me, guilt me out of things I really want. Staying friends with people I actually find interesting. Subscribe to what he says. H.e.l.l.n.o.

Both sides have said he's not entirely stable, so what he says is either justifiable or it can be ignored, or just to humor him. Harris said my mom was right, and Rory said something like I shouldn't let it get to me., and when he's right, he's right. That's what I understood anyway.

Im stopping the rant to announce that I love my city, because it has everything. I have just stopped on my way to the 2 to plug into a train billboard. It had a headphone jack and im listening to Christina Aguilera clips. Only in New York, people, only in New York. I don't care if I got stared at, I only care that now we have crazy billboards. (There's a new mix of Genie in a Bottle, if anyone cares)

Anyway, this is how I feel. I have connection down here, so im gonna try to get another chapter in. Ttyl.

Girlfight

Well, the fight has reached epic proportions. Not Helm's Deep, but Minas Tirith. Not The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but prince Caspian. Bloodier, darker, and generally more twisted. And now more people are involved.

Let's go into the ring, shall we?

On one side, you've got Harris and Liza, fighting for the cause of...whatever they're fighting for. Harris has got a boyfriend now. His life is coming together. Liza's now got issues with the other side...

Which is Rory and Jimmy, fighting for their pain, suffering, and in Jimmy's case, plain dislike of Liza. Because he effing hates her guts. I have nothing to say to him.

The neutral ones are me and Sheets, and neutrality is risky now. Although both parties know where we stand, the neutrality isn't doing us any favors. We're the poor sad referrees that have got to jump out of the way before we get an uppercut to the jaw. Jimmy and Liza's feud has got me involved too, and now Liza is completely mad at me. I haven't actually seen Liza in awhile, so this, while upsetting, isn't leading me to slit my wrists. Although I did miss her, and I didn't mean to offend her.

The problem is now they've got Rory's number. And Liza called her. Harris went friend diving for her number and came up with the right one. He asked us and we said outright no, which led him to say we worship Rory.

To respond to this. no we don't. We respect her, partially because she's been entirely trustworthy all along, and I've got no reason to doubt her personally, and partially because she didn't go friend diving for anybody's numbers just to settle a poisonous vendetta. I respect Rory enogh not to jeapordize my friendship with her because Liza's mad at me. I can't control that. She's been a good friend, and has handled herself very well, given the circumstances. The same can't be said for Jimmy. This weekend's drama wouldn't even have happened had he just sucked it up like Rory and Harris did and handled a good three hours with Liza. It wasn't all that big. That, and he used Liza to fight with me. He used his crap with Liza to pick a fight with me, then impersonated Harris (pretty badly, I might add. It didn't take me long to see through it.) to get me to concede.

At this stage in the war, neutrality no longer flies. And I know who's side I'm on.

Only in order to support the cause I identify and agree with, I've got to let what this guy said go.

He manipulated me, same as who ever else did. If Harris was doing it before, he's doing it now. And it's not fair. And he's screwing phantom possibilities up for me. He put me in a position where I had to ask like I was a little girl. And I did the right thing...I did what he told me to. And he proceeds to fight with me. AND drag me into a fight that isn't mine. His vendetta with Liza was not my business, despite what people say.

I'm done with the fighting, same as Sheets is. But if I can help stop it, I will.

This is getting entirely twisted.

And I'm quite finished with this whole thing.

And I want no part in it, unless I can help stop it.

And I don't want to put a band-aid on a broken leg of a friendship because that's the only way. There had better be another way.

And I don't want to ruin anything potentially good. That's not good for me.

This fight is hurting even the spectators. And I do NOT want to have to get in that damn ring. But I'll do it. Only if it's needed.

God, I hope it's not needed.

~*~*~*~

20/25 on my history quiz.
Things are definately looking up for me.

House of Wolves

Okay, im a little sick of living at home. I know this is a common sentiment for most college freshmen still living at home, but it kind of blows living there.

Take yesterday. I ruined Harris's mojo because my mom insisted I come straight home, and I told her I'd go with him. That was the first day I met his boyfriend too, and I don't think he got the best version of me. (Very nice guy, too. Harris has got himself a winner. I rather like him.) We saw Quantum of Solace, which was the most confusing movie ever. Stunts were very cool though. Not too bad for my first theater James Bond movie. Heh.

I've been making friends at school. Which I find to be a very good thing. Although I think I've created for myself a reputation for being remarkably vacant. Not even in high school was I considered vacant. Weird, a bit insane, but I was never known for my empty brain. Maybe they've got a special ed for honors college. That would be just luscious. Hee.

Dropped Italian. This deserves its own paragraph. Although I keep getting homework emails, which worries me, I did submit the form a day early, and the lady at the desk said that was it, so it should be fine. It better be fine. If it's not fine, I'll sue.

I am kind of, sort of, not talking to Jimmy. He's mad at me, because I did exactly what he told me to do, tell him if me dating was an option and with who. I did what I was supposed to do, on both ends. And he gets mad, and doesn't talk to me, and I end up running after him trying to get him to spit something out. I'm not a little girl, I can date who I want, talk to who I want. I an take care of myself. But I did talk to him once after that, and he said it was okay, but he was hurt, and he aid I lied to him. Personally I don't see the lie. Things happen.

If only my mom could read my speech to Jimmy. Maybe when its written down, she'll actually listen. Lucky me, honors kids may have a better shot at dorms next year. May get to leave. Whee.

Rory's still trying to get out of Brooklyn. Hopefully she gets into where she wants to go, so she can go there.

Harris iis blissfully happy. Which doesn't happen often for him. Hope he stays happy for a good long while.

Steve's in Boston, which he's probably very happy about.

Zac Efron apparently is the next Jack Sparrow. I will protest this till my dying day. Unless he's actually a good one. Which I sincerly doubt, as Jack Sparrow isn't a basketball playing, closeted musical theater lover seeking the heart of a vacuous honors student.

Sheets is still hating Queens, I think. He confuses me sometimes, to be honest. But he's awesome, so its okay by me.

Im up to chapter 15. Going to start 16 when I get home.

Bye guys.

The Show

Going to vote today.

I guess that's cool.

Yesterday was interesting.

The trains got delayed, then I went to Queens with Rory, where we met up with Sheets. Rory got tired of all the complaining and she lost her mind and technically meddled. She was like I'm tired of this and you guys need to talk about this. After some deflecting, we had to talk about it. Awkward, to say the very least.

Issues were addressed. Things were said. Rory eventually had to step in to direct the awkward conversation. She suggested a date before an actual desicion is made. Which was an interesting concept, only it got shot down by Sheets after I left, due to it's incredible awkwardness. Which wasn't helped by Rory, who was planning to cook and prepare a weird surprise for it.

Maybe it's not a bad idea, this date thing. Only it can't be awkward at all, I guess. Maybe just a random day of Season 3 of Lost watching or something. That would be fun. It really would.

I don't want my heart broken again. It'll hurt way too much. Which is why I've learned to expect nothing from this. Either I'll mess something up or he'll decide he doesn't like due to his self admitted fickleness. Maybe a combination of both.

I just don't want to have any regrets anymore. He's the only one I ever stood up to my mom for. Jimmy was already doomed since like two years ago, Harris at the time either didn't need defending or I didn't want to defend him due to extenuating circumstances. Ruben didn't need it, and Marcus was also doomed, because of his colorful past. He was the only one I ever logically defended. And I'm glad I did, actually.

I'm on the fence about this, particularly because I am well aware that this can go either way. This could work out quite nicely, with very few problems or anything, and I could end up quite happy for quite some time. Or I'll mess something up, triggering the fickleness, and then it'll all be over. At this point, I am questioning nothing. It's not good for me. And I have to do things that are good for me now. Or else I'm going to lose my effing mind, which is not good for me.

Either I want this resolved in some way, or I will know that this is probably not going to happen. If it isn't I want to know. I want to know beyond all knowledge that this is not going to happen, so I don't wait around too long. This isn't good for me.

I've just got to answer this question to myself: Is he worth this craziness? Or, Am I worth this craziness? I'll never know till it comes right down to it.

The date would be nice though. Considering that both of the dates I went on involved fighting, I'd like to clear my slate. Heh.

I"m on chapter 7. Hee.

I can't believe I ranted about this again. I feel kind of pathetic actually.

Anyway, I'm out. Gotta go do my civic duty.

Bye.

~*~*~

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze, and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go

Can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, and I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know.

I've got to let it go...and just enjoy the show.

~*~*~

I voted.
I feel guilty.
I voted for the people's choice, but felt bad about it.

Should have voted for the effing Green Party. Two women and everything.

I'm Independent. I didn't know John McCain was on their ballot. I saw it as I was thinking. Obama's not that bad, is he? My mom was texting me, telling me to vote for McCain because Obama's the Antichrist and the muslims were talking about a black guy ruling America. Well, that may be so, but he's got a better energy plan.

Granted, apparently the world is going to end in four years. If It is in fact Obama's fault that the world ends, I'm gonna be effing upset. That's some change we shouldn't believe in.

Oh, and I hung with my dad on Saturday. We went to see Changeling, but I told him I didn't want to go because I didn't want to support homewreckers. That's one way to put your foot in your mouth.

Bye bye.

Apollo 1: The Writing Writer

I've been writing. Whee.

Check it out. It's the blog called Half Dead.

That's all for now.

Will edit this when I feel like it.

Hee.

LALALALA.

Something Kinda Funny

I've been obsessed with Whose Line is It Anyway? again.
I watched the show when I was a little kid, and I found it on YouTube.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to want to laugh hysterically, yet have to stifle it? You end up shaking. Heh. I downloaded some of the hoedowns to my sidekick, because my iPod is gone.

Always: Buying ym iPod
Never: Losing it.

heh.

I did a Dr. Atomic musical rendition libretto for ym class. It came out to be seven pages long and double columned. Rory saw it, It's covered in like ten different fonts. It took me forever, but I finished it yesterday. And I did an english essay too. And turns out I didnt miss much in Italian. So things seem to be looking up.







~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

ha ha ha hee hee.
o0oo0o idee daydee daydee daydee idee daydee daii!

Always and Never

Enjoy this vid. Yay, economy humor. Yay, Red vs. Blue.

~*~*~*~

Anyway, I just read Sheets's blog, and remembered I've got a regrets list to do too. Screw you, Harris, your copywrite means nothing. Although it does look quite official.

Okay, so hmmm...regrets...let me think...okay, thats hard. Let's start with the non regrets first. Way to be original. I will now copywrite the word "non-regret."

So, now that that's done...I'm gonna keep it in the Always and Never format, not the regrets thing. What if it is a real copywrite? (ha!)Always is something I'd do again, and never is something I'll stay away from.

I hereby copywrite the Always and Never format of the regrets list. How's that for being original?

~*~*~

Always: Taking the chance with Marcus. Six years of wondering, and now I know. I know way more than I should, but I do know.
Never: Not getting out when I felt like something was wrong. It wasn't fair to either of us. I've got to call him.

Always: Dating Jimmy. I'll leave it at that.
Never: Hurting him that badly.

Always: Maintaining a friendship with Harris. We've been through hell, but it's been a wild ride.
Never: Not blowing up on him when I should have. Good times or not, he put me through hell. Absolute hell. Good times now doesn't exactly absolve him. But either way, things are working out. For now. This is subject to change if he really makes me mad.

Always: Going to CUNY Honors
Never: Taking Italian. I will learn that shit on my own next time. Online classes bite.

Always: Taking Harris coming out with a sense of humor.
Never: Bursting into laughter when I found out about him and Steve. Especially when Rory took it so hard. I think I should have curbed the laughter till the shock subsided on everyone.

Always: Joining the swim team. I learned how to dive!
Never: Letting Townsend whoop our asses so soundly. I go to school with them now. Talk about random.

Always: Going to Disney World for my birthday.
Never: Missing the senior trip.

Always: Being so critical of Sam the first few days I knew her.
Never: Not being critical when something wasn't right.

Always: Getting to know Aiyanna.
Never: Letting her push me around for so long.

Always: My junior high friends. They rocked.
Never: Losing contact with them for so long. They were cool people. I talk to a couple now though.

Always: Not getting in with the Aristites. It wasn't worth the trouble.
Never: Not talking to people in my classes. Steve, Denisse and Maricruz all getting out of English Lit didnt make a good class for me.

Always: Holding in my anger with my mom. My life would suck if I hadn't.
Never: Letting it eat into me for so long. I don't need that drama.

Always: The musicals. Loved every minute. (He's a PINBALL WIZARD)
Never: Trying out for Mrs. Walker when I didn't really like the character, and knowing it wasn't a good fit for me. Rory rocked out.

Always: Getting over Harris in six hours. I must have set some sort of record.
Never: Not waiting at least a month before telling Sheets I liked him, like I was planning on doing. I'm an idiot. An easily influenced, starry-eyed idiot.

Always: Falling for Sheets so painfully fast. I learned more about myself with him than with anybody else. Sure, Harris taught me that patience is a virtue, and Marcus taught me that a person's got to know SOMETHING more than how you think to make a relationship work, but he taught me that falling for someone can be easy, and it can be simple. And I'll always owe him that.
Never: Letting myself get so hurt. And waiting around when I knew it was probably not going to work. I'm an idiot. An easily influenced, starry-eyed idiot.

Always: Dating Ruben. That was a fun month. Also, it proved to me that I could get over someone with time. Four months of pain, and I got out. It was good for me.
Never: Not making sure Jimmy was okay with it. Poor Ruben would have been killed. And I rather liked him. He was sweet.

Always: Meeting mty friends.
Never: Not treating them better.

Always: Learning about LotR and LOST. And all the other things I've grown to love.
Never: Not begging to go to an LotR convention. That would have been so cool.

Ill add more as I think on it.



o0o0o0o0o0o0o
I like this vid too.
Whose Line is it Anyway?

hehe.

eruaphadriel.