entry 7=famous last words

well...friday was interesting...very...aiyanna says shes fogotten this whole thing...but if she did it would be water under the bridge wouldnt it? hypocrite...oh well good riddance...as long as im not left alone by the ppl who really matter...ginie and herfriend did that...taking joey h with them...not prety...id something painfully stupid...its over now...the situation, not the relationship...definately not the relationship...

well, my mom got wind of this...and lets just say it wasnt a nice thing...i dont wanna get into it...

am currently at ginies house...did not want to be home...at all...but my mom ended up getting me from joey s's house and i had to take it in silence....like i always do...i hate that...i hate that i look so independent...with my job and everything, and i still am under the influence of parents, and i take everything everyone throws at me...even when i heartily disagree...shes essentially trying to separate me from the best friend ever (out of the guys, only because hes...just him...the others unerstand loll) and i hate it....i hate what she says, i hate what shes doing, and i hate that i am the one who hears it and i cant just SAY SOMETHING...

being silent sucks

eve this blog's secrecy sucks...i wanna be able to say what i want...without keeping it secret...she says shes sorry, she says everything but she wont just stop...cuz punishing him punishes me more and she knows it but she doesnt care...

this is the only thing i have felt strongly enough to defy anyone for...and defy and defy i will...silently...as is my wont...my way...my method to this madness...

as for the whole aiyanna thing...it can be fixed...but she needs to cometo me...that nonsense from last friday needs to leave like the attitude she emits...and i can be friends with her...but i cant tell her crap ever...not unless she proves worthy of my easily obtained trust...thats bad i knoe...but its always been me...and its gonna be my downfall...i say what needs tp be said to keep my noisy silence...but thats not the wa to live is it?

i am on one side...but all of my actions will have to support the other...to keep my status with the other...but still be able to see the first side...the side i actually want to see win this...and that side is the side that is trying to do something that isnt going to hurt me...cuz even thought ive been hurt by them before...i know that that persons going to comethrough and make sure everything works out...for the good...

i think ive cried more this last couple of weeks than i have in my entire life....

when i look back on this when i get older...when im actually happy...when im away from all of this...possibly when i am married and have my own kids...maybe that opposing side will relent...but believe me...when she sees the day that i am happy and she had nothing to do with it...she will rue all of this...becuase she wouldve wanted to be a part of my desisions when it came to this...and she wont cuz she ripped into the whole thing without mercy...

i do undertand a bit where she is coming from...but her execution of her plans does not help her intentions...f anything her intention is being tainted...cuz all she wants to do is not to see me hurt...and shes doing the hurting more than he was (i say was cuz im pretty sure hed never hurt me...at least in this way...again)

he better win this... dont know what id do if i couldnt see him ever again...i want me and her to be okay...but friends have always meant way more to me than anything...and he means a lot to me....so does she...and i love them both...

both need to understand...whatever they do to each other hurts me the most...and if they dnt wanna see me hurt...they need to look at hat they are doing before they do it...

in other news...

screwed up @ my job yesterday (possibly from thinking baout all of this)
am off tody and next sunday yay!
saw some bits of british wicked lol
got recordings of steve singing defying gravity (no steve i am not deleting it)
my grandmother comes next week...shes staying for the summer

have to go home @ 8...dont remind me

have to keep the smile on my face for as long as i can...thisis a different side of the family...they dont know crap about this....or about me...

c ya l8r

i may not be back for awhile...for three possible reason

1) work...too busy
2)this blog being discovered
3) if i am no longer alive to write more...

bye

this blog is this color because i dont know what color tears are and clear isnt here...so red will suffice...the of courage and force (had to look that up...lmao)