wow...sorry for being back so quickly...just went blog hopping from sheets (nothing new since sunday or monday) to harris (two new, and both saying something about me)
DEAR FREAKIGN LORD...i know these are for sharing feelings regardless of judgement, but come on...damn...sometimes when he says it, i just dont get it...but when its in words like that...damn...it hurts...
it feels numb...like somebody jabbed a bunch of needles in my heart and are drawing them out SLOWLY...like that...like this pinching feeling and it hurts so bad and i wanna cry and scream and punch somthing all at the same time...
im not unreasonable, im not a bitch, im not this selfish girl who clicgs to the point of you can talk to these people anymore...but it stings a little bit...this dude was like im sorry mezzo soprano girl...he made it sound so bad, like im inferior cuz im not this glass breaking girl (ie: liza and rori) i cant break glass, but i dont have a compulsive rifting issue...(no offense to liza, i love her voice, but every note has a flourish to it...some notes are better as is...but according to my boyfriend im too low of a singer to judge)...im so hurt...but i know i shouldnt be...and the factg that i am hurts all the more...
i was observing that he prolly doesnt read any of my blogs...its prolly better that way... maybe hed have less ammo on me...less to judge me about...
Am I good enough for him? am i giving this relationship everything i have left to give? i doont know anymore...because if i was maybe i would learn to take more...but why do i have to take everything? i put up wiht the fact that hes never in the mood for me and when he is its at the worst times for me but i still deal cuz those are the only times that hes really good to me...
i feel like im freaking spinning...and i know ive done this to myself...ive hurt so many people...i guess its about time i feel the effects of my own actions...im surprised it didnt come sooner...
now i understand...i understand why sheets was so angry with me, why steve insults me (albiet friendly insults)...why harris cant look at me the same anymore...why i can barely hug him without his being repulsed by me...
that weekend changed everything...it changed absolutely everything...im so hurt, but i do know i deserve it...oh well...thats what i get...of course...i have to own up to what ive done...whatever...i can take it..and ill do it, solo or with somebody./..if thats how harris thinks of me...the balls in his court now...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Dear Friend / The Last Song I'm Wasting On You
hey...whats up...this double title means something, but not exactly what it looks like...let me explain...
lets start with title one...
dear friend...that goes to sheets, one of the best guys ever no question about it...the only thing i really dont get is that im the one who did something wrong...yet hes the one apologizing? he refused to take my apology, claiming hed never se me the same, yet he apologizes for doing nothing...i dont get that...
MOON SHOES...i want those...
anyhow...i now understand that the dude is rather long suffering, and i know ive done some bad crap to him...but i wanna do better now...im not gonna mess up anything anymore...just cuz i have to manipulate family members doesnt mean i have to subconsciously to my friends...i refuse to do that...if i need something done i will utilize subordinates, like i have always done, and i will never give my friends the impression that they are tools...never never never...
which brings me to my second title...its not as odd as it sounds...
the whole thing with harris has really been getting me down...i dont wanna fight but sometimes stating simple fact sets him off...that and steves physics book can really cause some trouble...
sometimes i dont know if he really cares anymore...i know i shouldnt doubt him, but sometimes it hurts when he wont look at me because hes not in the mood to...there are things i put up with when comes to him that im not too happy about but i do it bacause i love him and all...i know thats really bad that hes irritating me so much but apparently i irritate him too...and somehow the only way we communicate civily is through writing...and i dont even think he reads these...if he ever did...sometimes i wonder if he looks at me the same since that hellish weekend...if he lost respect for me...it hurts so much to even reflect on all this, but i know i really cant tell him, cuz he either wont answer, or he would tell me what i wanna hear...but what if what i wanna hear is what he really thinks? who knows? the very thought of harris getting bored with me scares me, especially cuz i put a lot of time into being perfect...but what if perfect isnt good enough for him....i remember that he was really bleh about me being a mezzo soprano according to pierre...why does it matter what voice range im in? well whatever...
im happy i got all of this off my chest...i dont wanna just explode on him...i dont wanna be the one who gives up...i cant, really, not at this point...our pictures in the yearbook, for one thing...plus...there are some times where harris is just so sweet and nice and stuff, and somehow that makes up for everything...oh well...its not like he reads this anyway...
oh well...this is the last time i say any of these things...this is the very last you will hear of any of it...i wanna bury this, get on with my life, and be happy wiht my bf and stuff...cheesy, but that works for me...
swim practice has been killing me lately...making a 32 second 50 free means harder practices for my butt...and they hurt...painfully...oh well...if i make another backstroke time again, maybe she will let me go to opens, instead of me feeling guilty for missing novices...the only thing is, at novices, ill be the fastest backstroker, at opens, the better meet, ill be the slowest...and that will sincerely piss me off...
anyhoo...let me go now...i gotta go anyway...anyhow...byebye...
lets start with title one...
dear friend...that goes to sheets, one of the best guys ever no question about it...the only thing i really dont get is that im the one who did something wrong...yet hes the one apologizing? he refused to take my apology, claiming hed never se me the same, yet he apologizes for doing nothing...i dont get that...
MOON SHOES...i want those...
anyhow...i now understand that the dude is rather long suffering, and i know ive done some bad crap to him...but i wanna do better now...im not gonna mess up anything anymore...just cuz i have to manipulate family members doesnt mean i have to subconsciously to my friends...i refuse to do that...if i need something done i will utilize subordinates, like i have always done, and i will never give my friends the impression that they are tools...never never never...
which brings me to my second title...its not as odd as it sounds...
the whole thing with harris has really been getting me down...i dont wanna fight but sometimes stating simple fact sets him off...that and steves physics book can really cause some trouble...
sometimes i dont know if he really cares anymore...i know i shouldnt doubt him, but sometimes it hurts when he wont look at me because hes not in the mood to...there are things i put up with when comes to him that im not too happy about but i do it bacause i love him and all...i know thats really bad that hes irritating me so much but apparently i irritate him too...and somehow the only way we communicate civily is through writing...and i dont even think he reads these...if he ever did...sometimes i wonder if he looks at me the same since that hellish weekend...if he lost respect for me...it hurts so much to even reflect on all this, but i know i really cant tell him, cuz he either wont answer, or he would tell me what i wanna hear...but what if what i wanna hear is what he really thinks? who knows? the very thought of harris getting bored with me scares me, especially cuz i put a lot of time into being perfect...but what if perfect isnt good enough for him....i remember that he was really bleh about me being a mezzo soprano according to pierre...why does it matter what voice range im in? well whatever...
im happy i got all of this off my chest...i dont wanna just explode on him...i dont wanna be the one who gives up...i cant, really, not at this point...our pictures in the yearbook, for one thing...plus...there are some times where harris is just so sweet and nice and stuff, and somehow that makes up for everything...oh well...its not like he reads this anyway...
oh well...this is the last time i say any of these things...this is the very last you will hear of any of it...i wanna bury this, get on with my life, and be happy wiht my bf and stuff...cheesy, but that works for me...
swim practice has been killing me lately...making a 32 second 50 free means harder practices for my butt...and they hurt...painfully...oh well...if i make another backstroke time again, maybe she will let me go to opens, instead of me feeling guilty for missing novices...the only thing is, at novices, ill be the fastest backstroker, at opens, the better meet, ill be the slowest...and that will sincerely piss me off...
anyhoo...let me go now...i gotta go anyway...anyhow...byebye...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Carpal Tunnel Of Love
hey again...you may be wondering why i put this title...let me explain it to you...
do u ever feel like ur happiness is hurting everyone around you? well thats how ive been feeling every since the whle thing wth harris started...hes a good guy, despite what others and even he says...i think so anyway, if i didnt then im just a glutton for punishment...
well, sheets is forever yelling at me now, and jimmy barely talks to me, at least not as much as he used to...i can understand jimmy, him being my ex and hating joeys guts more than hell...but sheets? i get where hes coming from too...i never thought id be in this position, ask anybody who knew me before high school...i was that weird girl not many talked to cuz she was that weird...now i get to cleveland...im still the weird girl but at least people talk to me...except that one incident when joe zamitto used my name tomake frun of brittany...that just wasnt nice...lol...
well you get the point...people look at me and see an equal now...
i never thought id be the girl who would have the affections of a grand total of three very good guys within the span of a year...seven months of it simultaneous actually...
any girl would be lucky to have just one chasing after her...well two of then arent chasing, and the third doesnt need to...
sheets said recently that he holds envy over harris because he has me...all i have to say to that is hat sheets can prolly do better than me...i cant imagine fighting wiht sheets as much as i do with harris...we dont fight so much now...or at least im optimistic...we had a coherent not yelling conversation last friday maybe itll work out like that...but still...some girl is gonna be so lucky to have sheets he just hasnt realized (oraccepted) that fate...
as for me, i can deal...i love harris, that much isnt changing, and itll prolly take more than a long while toget over it if it does end...i hope it doesnt end...if we could get through a fight like our six month anniversary one, where everyone got involved, i tink we can handle pretty close to anything...that is, if he doesnt get bored with me...i think thats a big fear for me...somebody getting bored with me...harris might be sick of me by now, im hoping hes not but whatever...i cant control what ppl think...
harris actully told me i should have ended it that day...ever since he said that, ive been thinking...either that means he knows what he did wrong or he wants out...if it is the latter he has to tell me straight...i can only take the hints nobody wants to have seen...i actually knew something ws up wiht him from a hile...when the told me i wasnt shocked at all...dissapointed maybe, but totally not shocked...rori and marina prolly hought they were gonna deal with a hurricane of tears...if they expectefd that they were prolly dissapointed...
actually, jimmy was the one hearing about that most when i found out...he may have called me way too much, but he totally respected me and my views...idk though...now that i think about it, telling harris i liked him was the best and worst thing i couldve possibly done for everybody else...
but love isnt about outside people isnt it? its about two people...and their feelings for one another, and withstanding anything...thats what i think...
on the other hand, i have the best friends ever, they stood up and defended me when i had no real outlet for defending myself...it kills sometimes that i cant defend myself sometimes...that i have to hide behind people...
as for sheets, i can understand what hes going through, and if hed let me help i would...he said i manipulate him though...if i have that was totally my bad and i didnt mean it that way and i have toned down a lot...i hate that i hurt him...ihurt hi about as much as i hurt jimmy i think and i think thats a sucky thing for me to do and i want to fix this if theyd let me but thy dont...
i love harris, that is not, IS NOT, changing anytime soon...i just wanna stop hurting everyone else...sometimes i fel like there gonna be kay, but sometimes its like, if there not gonna accept it and if there gonna hurt over something you yourself are doing to them because you wanna be happy and find love..then whats the use of findin it if u cant enjoy it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
anyhoo....onto lighter matters
did some dives at the campus magnet swim meets...my 50 free was a 32! i think thats kelseys time, and ms wagner says that if i work at my dive a bit more i can beat even natasha! and my 100 free time was a 1:18! yay!!!
got some health homework im procrastinating on...story of my life...
well ive got to go...i got a new storage card for my phone and im usin that until my zune updates itself....BYEBYE!
do u ever feel like ur happiness is hurting everyone around you? well thats how ive been feeling every since the whle thing wth harris started...hes a good guy, despite what others and even he says...i think so anyway, if i didnt then im just a glutton for punishment...
well, sheets is forever yelling at me now, and jimmy barely talks to me, at least not as much as he used to...i can understand jimmy, him being my ex and hating joeys guts more than hell...but sheets? i get where hes coming from too...i never thought id be in this position, ask anybody who knew me before high school...i was that weird girl not many talked to cuz she was that weird...now i get to cleveland...im still the weird girl but at least people talk to me...except that one incident when joe zamitto used my name tomake frun of brittany...that just wasnt nice...lol...
well you get the point...people look at me and see an equal now...
i never thought id be the girl who would have the affections of a grand total of three very good guys within the span of a year...seven months of it simultaneous actually...
any girl would be lucky to have just one chasing after her...well two of then arent chasing, and the third doesnt need to...
sheets said recently that he holds envy over harris because he has me...all i have to say to that is hat sheets can prolly do better than me...i cant imagine fighting wiht sheets as much as i do with harris...we dont fight so much now...or at least im optimistic...we had a coherent not yelling conversation last friday maybe itll work out like that...but still...some girl is gonna be so lucky to have sheets he just hasnt realized (oraccepted) that fate...
as for me, i can deal...i love harris, that much isnt changing, and itll prolly take more than a long while toget over it if it does end...i hope it doesnt end...if we could get through a fight like our six month anniversary one, where everyone got involved, i tink we can handle pretty close to anything...that is, if he doesnt get bored with me...i think thats a big fear for me...somebody getting bored with me...harris might be sick of me by now, im hoping hes not but whatever...i cant control what ppl think...
harris actully told me i should have ended it that day...ever since he said that, ive been thinking...either that means he knows what he did wrong or he wants out...if it is the latter he has to tell me straight...i can only take the hints nobody wants to have seen...i actually knew something ws up wiht him from a hile...when the told me i wasnt shocked at all...dissapointed maybe, but totally not shocked...rori and marina prolly hought they were gonna deal with a hurricane of tears...if they expectefd that they were prolly dissapointed...
actually, jimmy was the one hearing about that most when i found out...he may have called me way too much, but he totally respected me and my views...idk though...now that i think about it, telling harris i liked him was the best and worst thing i couldve possibly done for everybody else...
but love isnt about outside people isnt it? its about two people...and their feelings for one another, and withstanding anything...thats what i think...
on the other hand, i have the best friends ever, they stood up and defended me when i had no real outlet for defending myself...it kills sometimes that i cant defend myself sometimes...that i have to hide behind people...
as for sheets, i can understand what hes going through, and if hed let me help i would...he said i manipulate him though...if i have that was totally my bad and i didnt mean it that way and i have toned down a lot...i hate that i hurt him...ihurt hi about as much as i hurt jimmy i think and i think thats a sucky thing for me to do and i want to fix this if theyd let me but thy dont...
i love harris, that is not, IS NOT, changing anytime soon...i just wanna stop hurting everyone else...sometimes i fel like there gonna be kay, but sometimes its like, if there not gonna accept it and if there gonna hurt over something you yourself are doing to them because you wanna be happy and find love..then whats the use of findin it if u cant enjoy it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
anyhoo....onto lighter matters
did some dives at the campus magnet swim meets...my 50 free was a 32! i think thats kelseys time, and ms wagner says that if i work at my dive a bit more i can beat even natasha! and my 100 free time was a 1:18! yay!!!
got some health homework im procrastinating on...story of my life...
well ive got to go...i got a new storage card for my phone and im usin that until my zune updates itself....BYEBYE!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Dive!
hey...i picked this title cuz i learned how to dive...which is awesome yay....and it only took me four years! take that for having your own timetables for learning lmao...
anyhoo, joey sheets and i are writing a book together...hes writing and im his concept designer. im helping with characcter descriptions and the like.
heres the characters (parenthesis means no name)
Olivia- roris character, shes a witch but she doesnt know how to use her powers as of right now...she gets to go to a magical school for other worldly creatures...steves character is her love interest and she becomes this really powerful witch by the end...her charm bracelet is central to the plot. very good at all magic except the evil kind
(Sheets)- he has no name as of right now...hes a white mage/ demon as far as i can understand...the demons hate him cuz hes half blood and the others hate him cuz hes part demon...the main characters are really his best friends...when his sister betrays the group he defends her until he can no longer...cant do much magic except healing and white magic
(Harris)- a troll...uncommonly smart for a troll however...although his family discourages thinking, he wants desperately to think...my characters love interest...stands very tall in comparison to the others...cuz hes a troll...the dude who fights the physical battles so far...thats all we have for him cuz sheets and steve have been really knocking him lately....isnt good at much academics but hes learning...
(Marina)- a nymph...steves other love interest...tries to seduce him to save her boyfriend (jay) from destruction by jimmys character (ill describe him later)...good at most magic as far as i know
(Jimmy)- a vampire...talks all the time about taking over the school but nobody really takes it seriously, except my character, whos covering up a romantic past wiht him...has an ingenious plan to siphon the magic off the school using one of its most powerful students...very very good at black magic
(Christine)- a pixie...very smart,intelligent for a pixie, and pixies are highly intelligent to begin with. very secretive wiht just about everything, even keeping a conjured up curtain over her top bunk bed. love interest for (harris), and ex girlfriend of (jimmy) in an almost secret relationship that nobody knew about. instrumental to jimmys plan to siphon magic from the school, and she is there to control her overly powerful magical powers which cause strange things to happen...very good at all magic except white magic...with a vampire ex boyfriend you get very good at the black magic...
(mine is longer cuz..ya know...thats me...i happen to be very good at describing myself...oh and plus im a lot shorter like 4'10)
(Sophie)-a volintary werewolf...sheets called it a lupin...shes neutral for most of the conflict, then we force her to help us...
(Sammy)- (sheets) sister...defects to jimmys side but then goes back...aids my capture but them tries to rescue me
those are all teh characters i remember'
rori might come to st lawrence with me and steve yay!
we gotta see pierre about those scholarships...anyhoo...
hope the book comes out good
kk bye
anyhoo, joey sheets and i are writing a book together...hes writing and im his concept designer. im helping with characcter descriptions and the like.
heres the characters (parenthesis means no name)
Olivia- roris character, shes a witch but she doesnt know how to use her powers as of right now...she gets to go to a magical school for other worldly creatures...steves character is her love interest and she becomes this really powerful witch by the end...her charm bracelet is central to the plot. very good at all magic except the evil kind
(Sheets)- he has no name as of right now...hes a white mage/ demon as far as i can understand...the demons hate him cuz hes half blood and the others hate him cuz hes part demon...the main characters are really his best friends...when his sister betrays the group he defends her until he can no longer...cant do much magic except healing and white magic
(Harris)- a troll...uncommonly smart for a troll however...although his family discourages thinking, he wants desperately to think...my characters love interest...stands very tall in comparison to the others...cuz hes a troll...the dude who fights the physical battles so far...thats all we have for him cuz sheets and steve have been really knocking him lately....isnt good at much academics but hes learning...
(Marina)- a nymph...steves other love interest...tries to seduce him to save her boyfriend (jay) from destruction by jimmys character (ill describe him later)...good at most magic as far as i know
(Jimmy)- a vampire...talks all the time about taking over the school but nobody really takes it seriously, except my character, whos covering up a romantic past wiht him...has an ingenious plan to siphon the magic off the school using one of its most powerful students...very very good at black magic
(Christine)- a pixie...very smart,intelligent for a pixie, and pixies are highly intelligent to begin with. very secretive wiht just about everything, even keeping a conjured up curtain over her top bunk bed. love interest for (harris), and ex girlfriend of (jimmy) in an almost secret relationship that nobody knew about. instrumental to jimmys plan to siphon magic from the school, and she is there to control her overly powerful magical powers which cause strange things to happen...very good at all magic except white magic...with a vampire ex boyfriend you get very good at the black magic...
(mine is longer cuz..ya know...thats me...i happen to be very good at describing myself...oh and plus im a lot shorter like 4'10)
(Sophie)-a volintary werewolf...sheets called it a lupin...shes neutral for most of the conflict, then we force her to help us...
(Sammy)- (sheets) sister...defects to jimmys side but then goes back...aids my capture but them tries to rescue me
those are all teh characters i remember'
rori might come to st lawrence with me and steve yay!
we gotta see pierre about those scholarships...anyhoo...
hope the book comes out good
kk bye
Monday, October 15, 2007
Ive Just Seen A Face
hey guys...stealing some time to write a blog
loving across the universe
worrying myself over jimmy cuz i havent seen him on forever...do not want him dropping out...he just cant...its not that i like him or anything (considering that was the belief)...he just listens a lot...about something he hates hearing about...its like sheets 2...i dont think theres anyway i can pay him back for all the things ove prolly put him though...hopefully he would stop liking me, cuz i dont wanna be that girl...the one who stands in the way of his happiness...i think ive stood in the way of other pplz...i may even consider asking david...lord knows how that will go...the good thing is nthat in my last coinversation wiht peter, i found out that joey isnt as bad a person as jimmy says...good thing too, i dont wanna forgive someone who doesnt deserve it....
all the same
made opens again, but not quite
saw kings college, its absolutely wonderful, and it was cool cuz me and harris were the only ones from new york and all the colerado and texas girls went crazy over our "accents"...yay...i thought that was cool lol had harris been there alone i think he coulda racked up so many long distance relationships cuz all those girls were pretty and perfect...the opposite of me...
i applied to kings college 2...ill explain the houses there when i have more time...
by the way...this song is the title because ive hads this song in my head for like forever
lol bye
loving across the universe
worrying myself over jimmy cuz i havent seen him on forever...do not want him dropping out...he just cant...its not that i like him or anything (considering that was the belief)...he just listens a lot...about something he hates hearing about...its like sheets 2...i dont think theres anyway i can pay him back for all the things ove prolly put him though...hopefully he would stop liking me, cuz i dont wanna be that girl...the one who stands in the way of his happiness...i think ive stood in the way of other pplz...i may even consider asking david...lord knows how that will go...the good thing is nthat in my last coinversation wiht peter, i found out that joey isnt as bad a person as jimmy says...good thing too, i dont wanna forgive someone who doesnt deserve it....
all the same
made opens again, but not quite
saw kings college, its absolutely wonderful, and it was cool cuz me and harris were the only ones from new york and all the colerado and texas girls went crazy over our "accents"...yay...i thought that was cool lol had harris been there alone i think he coulda racked up so many long distance relationships cuz all those girls were pretty and perfect...the opposite of me...
i applied to kings college 2...ill explain the houses there when i have more time...
by the way...this song is the title because ive hads this song in my head for like forever
lol bye
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Across The Universe
this title is on account of the song and the movie i just came back from, called Across The Universe. really good movie, but rather trippy, cuz the characters were high for awhile which turned things into loopy tiedye technicolor...which is fun but headache causing...who knew that the beatles were that good? lol im kidding of course i know there good there classics lol...
anyhoo, i am at ginies house and i am bothering her while she is watching saw 3...its kinda interesting in spite of itself...despite the actors inability to excel at their craft (and ginie remarking on my lack of acting skill...which hurt btw) , the writing happens to be pretty good, albiet played out and cheesy...i give jigsaw his props however, it takes a true morbid genius to figure out that many ways to manipulate a person and then watch them brutally slay themselves...
i wonder if jigsaw would end upchoosing me for his odd killing experiment...i wonder if i appreciate life sometimes...i think i do...i know i have a lot to appreciate even though sometimes i may not be so vocal about it...
which brings me to my concern as of right now...jimmy went missing awhile ago and just recently trned up...at least in my eyes i haadnt seen him for awhile and i saw him yesterday so i know hes alive which is always good...
sheets sometimes asks me if i still like jimmy like that...i can say no to that, of course i can say no to that, bu sometimes it fells like he was one of the few who actually gave two shyts about my opinion and didnt think i was stupid or push me into a world i know i wasnt ready for...maybe im still not ready for it...
oh, that reminds me...harris...interesting boy, that one is...one minute hes tired and bleh, the next hes the life of clover and leaping onto tall buildings in a single bound...i understand morning fatigue and not being a morning person (i learned that the hard way..btw, when a guy isnt a morning person, poking them isnt what does the trick for them lol) but theres a line between being tired and being annoyed with me, and somehow i kinda see that line blurring...i dont think im a boring person, and i hate that im made out to be annoying when ive spent most of my teenage life distancing myself from that reputation...i do what i can to give everyone their space, but somehow whenever i get further so do they but in my head that exactly what they want...like yesterday morning...the kid was so damn tired and all i wanted to do was leave him alone cuz he kept snipping at me, and the next thing i know steves pulling him out of class so i can take the senior couple photo (cliched i know so unlike me)...why the hell? i mean it woulda been fun but i dont think anybodys heart was really in it...is really in it...rori had this theory that harris is just trying to show off his relationship (im nothing worth showing off for, but that another story)...idk about that actually...whatever his motives may be apparently im just along for the ride...a bumpy one for sure...but this kid deluded my head with optimism and i wanna see the optimism as far as it can go...i wanna have no regrets when i look back on this...even though i believe i have several reasons to feel guilty, i dont think ive ever been so happy in the midst of the guilt before...cuz no matter what ive dealt with, i still love the dude and theres nothing i can really do about it as of right now...
well, when we really think about it...maybe living really is easy with eyes closed, all we need is love, and we all live in a big giant yellow submarine...think about it...we all go through all this crap that were prolly gonna end up laughing about later in the midst of bigger turd piles...i kinda want things back the way they were before...but not really, because had they stayed the same i wouldnt be the person i am right now...
onto lighter discussion...took the SAT...AGAIN...and onto the best news ever...
I MADE OPENS!!!! YAY!!!!
lol...anyhoo...mma go now...ginies movies about to end and i feel like going on AIM...byebye
anyhoo, i am at ginies house and i am bothering her while she is watching saw 3...its kinda interesting in spite of itself...despite the actors inability to excel at their craft (and ginie remarking on my lack of acting skill...which hurt btw) , the writing happens to be pretty good, albiet played out and cheesy...i give jigsaw his props however, it takes a true morbid genius to figure out that many ways to manipulate a person and then watch them brutally slay themselves...
i wonder if jigsaw would end upchoosing me for his odd killing experiment...i wonder if i appreciate life sometimes...i think i do...i know i have a lot to appreciate even though sometimes i may not be so vocal about it...
which brings me to my concern as of right now...jimmy went missing awhile ago and just recently trned up...at least in my eyes i haadnt seen him for awhile and i saw him yesterday so i know hes alive which is always good...
sheets sometimes asks me if i still like jimmy like that...i can say no to that, of course i can say no to that, bu sometimes it fells like he was one of the few who actually gave two shyts about my opinion and didnt think i was stupid or push me into a world i know i wasnt ready for...maybe im still not ready for it...
oh, that reminds me...harris...interesting boy, that one is...one minute hes tired and bleh, the next hes the life of clover and leaping onto tall buildings in a single bound...i understand morning fatigue and not being a morning person (i learned that the hard way..btw, when a guy isnt a morning person, poking them isnt what does the trick for them lol) but theres a line between being tired and being annoyed with me, and somehow i kinda see that line blurring...i dont think im a boring person, and i hate that im made out to be annoying when ive spent most of my teenage life distancing myself from that reputation...i do what i can to give everyone their space, but somehow whenever i get further so do they but in my head that exactly what they want...like yesterday morning...the kid was so damn tired and all i wanted to do was leave him alone cuz he kept snipping at me, and the next thing i know steves pulling him out of class so i can take the senior couple photo (cliched i know so unlike me)...why the hell? i mean it woulda been fun but i dont think anybodys heart was really in it...is really in it...rori had this theory that harris is just trying to show off his relationship (im nothing worth showing off for, but that another story)...idk about that actually...whatever his motives may be apparently im just along for the ride...a bumpy one for sure...but this kid deluded my head with optimism and i wanna see the optimism as far as it can go...i wanna have no regrets when i look back on this...even though i believe i have several reasons to feel guilty, i dont think ive ever been so happy in the midst of the guilt before...cuz no matter what ive dealt with, i still love the dude and theres nothing i can really do about it as of right now...
well, when we really think about it...maybe living really is easy with eyes closed, all we need is love, and we all live in a big giant yellow submarine...think about it...we all go through all this crap that were prolly gonna end up laughing about later in the midst of bigger turd piles...i kinda want things back the way they were before...but not really, because had they stayed the same i wouldnt be the person i am right now...
onto lighter discussion...took the SAT...AGAIN...and onto the best news ever...
I MADE OPENS!!!! YAY!!!!
lol...anyhoo...mma go now...ginies movies about to end and i feel like going on AIM...byebye
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