The Carpal Tunnel Of Love

hey again...you may be wondering why i put this title...let me explain it to you...

do u ever feel like ur happiness is hurting everyone around you? well thats how ive been feeling every since the whle thing wth harris started...hes a good guy, despite what others and even he says...i think so anyway, if i didnt then im just a glutton for punishment...

well, sheets is forever yelling at me now, and jimmy barely talks to me, at least not as much as he used to...i can understand jimmy, him being my ex and hating joeys guts more than hell...but sheets? i get where hes coming from too...i never thought id be in this position, ask anybody who knew me before high school...i was that weird girl not many talked to cuz she was that weird...now i get to cleveland...im still the weird girl but at least people talk to me...except that one incident when joe zamitto used my name tomake frun of brittany...that just wasnt nice...lol...

well you get the point...people look at me and see an equal now...

i never thought id be the girl who would have the affections of a grand total of three very good guys within the span of a year...seven months of it simultaneous actually...

any girl would be lucky to have just one chasing after her...well two of then arent chasing, and the third doesnt need to...

sheets said recently that he holds envy over harris because he has me...all i have to say to that is hat sheets can prolly do better than me...i cant imagine fighting wiht sheets as much as i do with harris...we dont fight so much now...or at least im optimistic...we had a coherent not yelling conversation last friday maybe itll work out like that...but still...some girl is gonna be so lucky to have sheets he just hasnt realized (oraccepted) that fate...

as for me, i can deal...i love harris, that much isnt changing, and itll prolly take more than a long while toget over it if it does end...i hope it doesnt end...if we could get through a fight like our six month anniversary one, where everyone got involved, i tink we can handle pretty close to anything...that is, if he doesnt get bored with me...i think thats a big fear for me...somebody getting bored with me...harris might be sick of me by now, im hoping hes not but whatever...i cant control what ppl think...

harris actully told me i should have ended it that day...ever since he said that, ive been thinking...either that means he knows what he did wrong or he wants out...if it is the latter he has to tell me straight...i can only take the hints nobody wants to have seen...i actually knew something ws up wiht him from a hile...when the told me i wasnt shocked at all...dissapointed maybe, but totally not shocked...rori and marina prolly hought they were gonna deal with a hurricane of tears...if they expectefd that they were prolly dissapointed...

actually, jimmy was the one hearing about that most when i found out...he may have called me way too much, but he totally respected me and my views...idk though...now that i think about it, telling harris i liked him was the best and worst thing i couldve possibly done for everybody else...

but love isnt about outside people isnt it? its about two people...and their feelings for one another, and withstanding anything...thats what i think...

on the other hand, i have the best friends ever, they stood up and defended me when i had no real outlet for defending myself...it kills sometimes that i cant defend myself sometimes...that i have to hide behind people...

as for sheets, i can understand what hes going through, and if hed let me help i would...he said i manipulate him though...if i have that was totally my bad and i didnt mean it that way and i have toned down a lot...i hate that i hurt him...ihurt hi about as much as i hurt jimmy i think and i think thats a sucky thing for me to do and i want to fix this if theyd let me but thy dont...

i love harris, that is not, IS NOT, changing anytime soon...i just wanna stop hurting everyone else...sometimes i fel like there gonna be kay, but sometimes its like, if there not gonna accept it and if there gonna hurt over something you yourself are doing to them because you wanna be happy and find love..then whats the use of findin it if u cant enjoy it?

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anyhoo....onto lighter matters

did some dives at the campus magnet swim meets...my 50 free was a 32! i think thats kelseys time, and ms wagner says that if i work at my dive a bit more i can beat even natasha! and my 100 free time was a 1:18! yay!!!

got some health homework im procrastinating on...story of my life...

well ive got to go...i got a new storage card for my phone and im usin that until my zune updates itself....BYEBYE!