Go All The Way (Into The Twilight)

Waiting for Rory to get out of work.

Bored. Slightly confused. Madly in love with Twilight. May go the fanfic route. I already have a kickass idea that I've trawled through endless fanfics to see if it's been taken. It hasn't. This is scary. I wrote about LOST, and soon Twilight. My LotR stuff always sucked. Maybe I could try that again. But I don't want to. Not right now.

This does NOT mean that I'm not a Tolkienite. I totally am. It's just....I've grown up significantly. I can be obsessed with different things. I miss my LOTRness though. It reminds me of who I was before I started making emotional messes of myself. Tolkien is still my favorite writer, and LOTR is still my favorite movie. But as for books...Breaking Dawn is up there, as is The Chronicles of Narnia. I need to reread LOTR. Remind myself of the person I was. Still am, under all the stress.

My favorite character is probably Jacob. Don't get me wrong, I know that Bella belongs with Edward, but Jacob stood by her. The whole time, even through a slightly fatal pregnancy. And I was happy that he found his true love. Even though that was the girl he previously loved's daughter. Imprinting it was called. Circle of life I guess.

It made me think, really. The concept that someone is out there for you, waiting for you, from before you're even born. That no matter what, they're always going to be there, because they can't bear to be without you. The thought of leaving the person you love would be painful for you, like ripping off a limb. It's a little sick that some of those wolves imprinted on kids, and Jacob imprinted on Nessie when she was born (albeit she was gonna grow up faster to catch up anyway), but in a twisted way, it's romantic. With a biological tie to another person, you'd never really be alone. Would you?

Now that I'm done speculating on destined romance, which I'm not even sure I believe in, I'm gonna just ramble about life.

I am currently finishing off chapter 27, and I may pick up a fanfic I've been thinking about in my head. I'm not sure how the book is coming, but my readers (Harris and Sheets, but mostly Sheets, I don't think Harris reads mine) seem to enjoy it. Sheets likes to bug me on what's going to happen next. Which I find funny, because I just write as it comes. I don't mind it though. It helps me think. Not many things Sheets does bothers me anymore. It's almost amusing. I think I've even picked up his apologizing habit. He was like if you apologize one more time I'm gonna hit you. That was Rory too. Maybe it's one or the other. I always forget.

Rory asked if he'd talk to Jimmy yesterday. From what she told me this morning, they're going to talk, and I absolutely positively cannot be there. She said he has a hold over me. Something like that. I'm not so sure how strong this alleged hold is, actually. I believe her, no doubt, considering the tears I've shed over the last couple of weeks. The friend I lost. I'm not saying he jumped into my subconscious and made me destroy my friendship with Liza, but if I hadn't felt like I owed him, maybe I wouldn't have done it. Maybe i would have been able to explain to Liza that my fight wasn't with her, it was because I owed him the pain I'd caused him.

Maybe that's why I apologize so much now, to Sheets and Rory. I don't want to hurt them, I seriously trust them both with my life. Especially Sheets and Rory. I can't decide who I'd trust more. Equal is as equal does.

I hope this all works out. That everybody gets to be happy.

If only I hadn't been guilted however long ago into believing that all of his suffering was my fault. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to apologize to everyone. Rory said herself that he sees things on a different scale. Harris said something similar. If Sheets said something about it, I don't remember now. He did say that he's going to make sure Jimmy isn't hurt by anything. Which is a relatively noble cause, I can't judge him for that. Then again, I don't really judge him for much. I'm not sure if I ever have, besides his crazy addiction to Light my Candle. He's got like twelve recordings now. Twelve! Random in every sense.

I wish I could help make Jimmy's pain go away, but my doing that apparently makes it worse. So per Rory's words, I'll stay away from that conversation. I've got to.

Maybe that's what will fix it.

On another topic, I'm sure I've captured "weird girl" in CUNY Honors perfectly. Either that. or they just don't like me. Or they think people who live in Queens are weird. but that's impossible, considering a bunch of them are from Townsend Harris. A Queens school. Curiouser and curiouser. Maybe they just don't like hyper people.

Today in acting, I turned off my hyperness. I'm playing a really old lady for my final, and he's telling me I have to be very very slow, and very very deliberate with my movements and my words. It wasn't as hard when I did Berthe. And he knew it was hard too. My scene partner did too. The whole class did. They were trying to help me say something I truly believed. I believe in God, and that I'm saved and all that, but if I said that and didn't sound convincing...In church, those are the words that matter. And I'm not messing them up, despite the lovely example I've been. One girl asked me if I'd make it through college, and if I believed it. I said I hoped so. Heh. I don't believe in anything. Sort of.

I've got to come in Fridays. No way around it. Drat.

Crap. I'm stuck doing housework today. Damn. I'm just going to grit my teeth and wait for my two weeks of long earned freedom. Which I bet won't be free, so I'm trying my very best to not look forward to having the house all to myself.

Speaking of which, Max had to go. He apparently has a better life now. He's still alive, but he's waiting for a new family. I hope he misses us, but not enough that he'll be sad. And I hope he remembers the kids.

Well, that's all for now.

Toodleloo.

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

Today is Jani's party.

Happy birthday, Jani. 

I found a kickass study abroad program that I am going to ask my mom and my guidance person about. 

Hopefully they cover it and my mom has no qualms about sending me to Romania for three weeks.

Whee.

I feel a little better about everything. I'm not hung up over waiting for an answer from anyone anymore. I know now to expect absolutely nothing from anyone that will get me hurt if I expect a lot and get nothing. I've got no issues with fighting with people that are wrong when I am right. 

Take my fight with Liza, which isn't really a fight. I know I didn't betray her, and I know that I tried to stay out of it. I also know that I'm not fake. I hope I'm not anyway. I believe that I'm not.

Also, take my fight with Jimmy. I know I didn't betray him by being friends with Liza, or admitting I liked Sheets, for that matter. I also know that I am not a little girl, and I don't need to ask permission to date anyone, or to like anyone, or to be friends with anyone, or anything of that sort. He's not my mom. I'm an adult and all, but she's my mom and due to that whole parental thing, for certain things, I do listen to her. Sometimes she is right, and sometimes she's okay. Like the time she let me drink. Hee. But to ask Jimmy like whatever I do causes him pain? I never meant to hurt him, and I've tried to make things up to him. I'm beginning to realize that nothing will ever make him get the fact that I have tried to do whatever I could to make things better. Short of becoming a nun, I don't see that happening. 

Now I'm kind of sad. 

The blog title is random, because this blog is random. And I needed to vent. And the fight with Jimmy and the what the hell about the whole relationship situation isn't something I want to talk about right now. Even though I've been dealing pretty well.

I don't want to be depressing any longer.

When I Grow Up

Doll Domination ROCKZ.

My favorite song right now is I Hate This Part. Expect a blog named after it. 

Jimmy IMed me, but I was on the train or sleeping, so I didn't get it. He wants to talk to me. 

I'm not sure how to handle this. Liza isn't talking to me, so there goes that complication. My relationship life isn't going very far right now, and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I do have to start focusing. Showing the program that I care about being there, and not just for the money.

What he's put me through isn't fair. It's really not. It's reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. Both sides of the "fighting but not fighting" have seen me break down just a couple inches more every time. 

What he says hurts. 

I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I did the "right thing" and told him how I felt about somebody else. He said it didn't matter what I did, or who I dated, just that I told him and didn't allow him to get blindsided because I felt he couldn't handle it. Then when he finds out he ostracizes me because I didn't tell him the truth. At last I took the advice of my friends and valued his opinion. Now a very close friend of mine won't speak to me because she thinks I'm fake for protecting him, when he really doesn't deserve it. Does he?

Does he deserve to sabotage me because I made him miserable?

Do I not deserve to come out and say who I like without consequences because he doesn't want me to be happy?

Everyday

I've decided I'm going to update this blog whenever I can. Even if I've got nothing to say. Just because I'm writing doesn't mean I've lost the right to vent whatever feelings I have, and I can say how my day went. Thingss like that.

Anyway, yesterday, Rory told my mom how far back this whole shebang goes. She didn't say why this whole shebang is going on though. Thank God.

In the words of Gandalf: "The board is set, and the pieces are moving."

The only thing is, how do we know if Frodo's still alive?

What's the point of fighting if the cause is dead, and the evil people have the Ring? Why keep on with the drama if there aren't two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness? What are we helping?

Someone tells me that, and I'm all for it. Till then, I will mourn the loss of Frodo and Sam and stay out of the fight, thank you. I hope everyone can respect that.

God, Lord of the Rings can relate to anything can it? But more on that later.

As for my own slice of the fight: I'm not talking to Jimmy. Makes sense for now. Rory mentioned to me that in order to bring the truth to light, I'd have to forsake my own fight. But if I do that, I'd have to continue to let him manipulate me, guilt me out of things I really want. Staying friends with people I actually find interesting. Subscribe to what he says. H.e.l.l.n.o.

Both sides have said he's not entirely stable, so what he says is either justifiable or it can be ignored, or just to humor him. Harris said my mom was right, and Rory said something like I shouldn't let it get to me., and when he's right, he's right. That's what I understood anyway.

Im stopping the rant to announce that I love my city, because it has everything. I have just stopped on my way to the 2 to plug into a train billboard. It had a headphone jack and im listening to Christina Aguilera clips. Only in New York, people, only in New York. I don't care if I got stared at, I only care that now we have crazy billboards. (There's a new mix of Genie in a Bottle, if anyone cares)

Anyway, this is how I feel. I have connection down here, so im gonna try to get another chapter in. Ttyl.

Girlfight

Well, the fight has reached epic proportions. Not Helm's Deep, but Minas Tirith. Not The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but prince Caspian. Bloodier, darker, and generally more twisted. And now more people are involved.

Let's go into the ring, shall we?

On one side, you've got Harris and Liza, fighting for the cause of...whatever they're fighting for. Harris has got a boyfriend now. His life is coming together. Liza's now got issues with the other side...

Which is Rory and Jimmy, fighting for their pain, suffering, and in Jimmy's case, plain dislike of Liza. Because he effing hates her guts. I have nothing to say to him.

The neutral ones are me and Sheets, and neutrality is risky now. Although both parties know where we stand, the neutrality isn't doing us any favors. We're the poor sad referrees that have got to jump out of the way before we get an uppercut to the jaw. Jimmy and Liza's feud has got me involved too, and now Liza is completely mad at me. I haven't actually seen Liza in awhile, so this, while upsetting, isn't leading me to slit my wrists. Although I did miss her, and I didn't mean to offend her.

The problem is now they've got Rory's number. And Liza called her. Harris went friend diving for her number and came up with the right one. He asked us and we said outright no, which led him to say we worship Rory.

To respond to this. no we don't. We respect her, partially because she's been entirely trustworthy all along, and I've got no reason to doubt her personally, and partially because she didn't go friend diving for anybody's numbers just to settle a poisonous vendetta. I respect Rory enogh not to jeapordize my friendship with her because Liza's mad at me. I can't control that. She's been a good friend, and has handled herself very well, given the circumstances. The same can't be said for Jimmy. This weekend's drama wouldn't even have happened had he just sucked it up like Rory and Harris did and handled a good three hours with Liza. It wasn't all that big. That, and he used Liza to fight with me. He used his crap with Liza to pick a fight with me, then impersonated Harris (pretty badly, I might add. It didn't take me long to see through it.) to get me to concede.

At this stage in the war, neutrality no longer flies. And I know who's side I'm on.

Only in order to support the cause I identify and agree with, I've got to let what this guy said go.

He manipulated me, same as who ever else did. If Harris was doing it before, he's doing it now. And it's not fair. And he's screwing phantom possibilities up for me. He put me in a position where I had to ask like I was a little girl. And I did the right thing...I did what he told me to. And he proceeds to fight with me. AND drag me into a fight that isn't mine. His vendetta with Liza was not my business, despite what people say.

I'm done with the fighting, same as Sheets is. But if I can help stop it, I will.

This is getting entirely twisted.

And I'm quite finished with this whole thing.

And I want no part in it, unless I can help stop it.

And I don't want to put a band-aid on a broken leg of a friendship because that's the only way. There had better be another way.

And I don't want to ruin anything potentially good. That's not good for me.

This fight is hurting even the spectators. And I do NOT want to have to get in that damn ring. But I'll do it. Only if it's needed.

God, I hope it's not needed.

~*~*~*~

20/25 on my history quiz.
Things are definately looking up for me.

House of Wolves

Okay, im a little sick of living at home. I know this is a common sentiment for most college freshmen still living at home, but it kind of blows living there.

Take yesterday. I ruined Harris's mojo because my mom insisted I come straight home, and I told her I'd go with him. That was the first day I met his boyfriend too, and I don't think he got the best version of me. (Very nice guy, too. Harris has got himself a winner. I rather like him.) We saw Quantum of Solace, which was the most confusing movie ever. Stunts were very cool though. Not too bad for my first theater James Bond movie. Heh.

I've been making friends at school. Which I find to be a very good thing. Although I think I've created for myself a reputation for being remarkably vacant. Not even in high school was I considered vacant. Weird, a bit insane, but I was never known for my empty brain. Maybe they've got a special ed for honors college. That would be just luscious. Hee.

Dropped Italian. This deserves its own paragraph. Although I keep getting homework emails, which worries me, I did submit the form a day early, and the lady at the desk said that was it, so it should be fine. It better be fine. If it's not fine, I'll sue.

I am kind of, sort of, not talking to Jimmy. He's mad at me, because I did exactly what he told me to do, tell him if me dating was an option and with who. I did what I was supposed to do, on both ends. And he gets mad, and doesn't talk to me, and I end up running after him trying to get him to spit something out. I'm not a little girl, I can date who I want, talk to who I want. I an take care of myself. But I did talk to him once after that, and he said it was okay, but he was hurt, and he aid I lied to him. Personally I don't see the lie. Things happen.

If only my mom could read my speech to Jimmy. Maybe when its written down, she'll actually listen. Lucky me, honors kids may have a better shot at dorms next year. May get to leave. Whee.

Rory's still trying to get out of Brooklyn. Hopefully she gets into where she wants to go, so she can go there.

Harris iis blissfully happy. Which doesn't happen often for him. Hope he stays happy for a good long while.

Steve's in Boston, which he's probably very happy about.

Zac Efron apparently is the next Jack Sparrow. I will protest this till my dying day. Unless he's actually a good one. Which I sincerly doubt, as Jack Sparrow isn't a basketball playing, closeted musical theater lover seeking the heart of a vacuous honors student.

Sheets is still hating Queens, I think. He confuses me sometimes, to be honest. But he's awesome, so its okay by me.

Im up to chapter 15. Going to start 16 when I get home.

Bye guys.

The Show

Going to vote today.

I guess that's cool.

Yesterday was interesting.

The trains got delayed, then I went to Queens with Rory, where we met up with Sheets. Rory got tired of all the complaining and she lost her mind and technically meddled. She was like I'm tired of this and you guys need to talk about this. After some deflecting, we had to talk about it. Awkward, to say the very least.

Issues were addressed. Things were said. Rory eventually had to step in to direct the awkward conversation. She suggested a date before an actual desicion is made. Which was an interesting concept, only it got shot down by Sheets after I left, due to it's incredible awkwardness. Which wasn't helped by Rory, who was planning to cook and prepare a weird surprise for it.

Maybe it's not a bad idea, this date thing. Only it can't be awkward at all, I guess. Maybe just a random day of Season 3 of Lost watching or something. That would be fun. It really would.

I don't want my heart broken again. It'll hurt way too much. Which is why I've learned to expect nothing from this. Either I'll mess something up or he'll decide he doesn't like due to his self admitted fickleness. Maybe a combination of both.

I just don't want to have any regrets anymore. He's the only one I ever stood up to my mom for. Jimmy was already doomed since like two years ago, Harris at the time either didn't need defending or I didn't want to defend him due to extenuating circumstances. Ruben didn't need it, and Marcus was also doomed, because of his colorful past. He was the only one I ever logically defended. And I'm glad I did, actually.

I'm on the fence about this, particularly because I am well aware that this can go either way. This could work out quite nicely, with very few problems or anything, and I could end up quite happy for quite some time. Or I'll mess something up, triggering the fickleness, and then it'll all be over. At this point, I am questioning nothing. It's not good for me. And I have to do things that are good for me now. Or else I'm going to lose my effing mind, which is not good for me.

Either I want this resolved in some way, or I will know that this is probably not going to happen. If it isn't I want to know. I want to know beyond all knowledge that this is not going to happen, so I don't wait around too long. This isn't good for me.

I've just got to answer this question to myself: Is he worth this craziness? Or, Am I worth this craziness? I'll never know till it comes right down to it.

The date would be nice though. Considering that both of the dates I went on involved fighting, I'd like to clear my slate. Heh.

I"m on chapter 7. Hee.

I can't believe I ranted about this again. I feel kind of pathetic actually.

Anyway, I'm out. Gotta go do my civic duty.

Bye.

~*~*~

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze, and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go

Can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, and I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know.

I've got to let it go...and just enjoy the show.

~*~*~

I voted.
I feel guilty.
I voted for the people's choice, but felt bad about it.

Should have voted for the effing Green Party. Two women and everything.

I'm Independent. I didn't know John McCain was on their ballot. I saw it as I was thinking. Obama's not that bad, is he? My mom was texting me, telling me to vote for McCain because Obama's the Antichrist and the muslims were talking about a black guy ruling America. Well, that may be so, but he's got a better energy plan.

Granted, apparently the world is going to end in four years. If It is in fact Obama's fault that the world ends, I'm gonna be effing upset. That's some change we shouldn't believe in.

Oh, and I hung with my dad on Saturday. We went to see Changeling, but I told him I didn't want to go because I didn't want to support homewreckers. That's one way to put your foot in your mouth.

Bye bye.

Apollo 1: The Writing Writer

I've been writing. Whee.

Check it out. It's the blog called Half Dead.

That's all for now.

Will edit this when I feel like it.

Hee.

LALALALA.