The Suffering / Too Little Too Late

i think im finally going to realize all the pain that im going to experience in the near future...and all the pain ive caused sheets ovver the last year or so...

before i get into that, ill get into the events of the last couple of days...not just me, but everyone...

harris has been getting over alan from what i understand...hes been doing a good job too, im really impressed with how hes doing actually...i wish i could get over a guy like he does...

steve has found a girl whos probably more analytical than he is...and when the time came to answer her, her best freiend write on his hand "work by emotion, not by logic"...that little junior girl had him pegged...(shes the valedictorian, and shes good with people, bleck im jealous)...steves girl in question's name is colleen, according to others, shes quite cold and mean...the only contact i ever had with her was math class first term junior year, when she gave me her homework to copy every day...im probably the only one without a real issue with her...rori's handling it pretty well actually...

im so jealous of them all...all of them getting over their past loves and crap...all of them getting on with their lives...i wish i could...

i dont wanna cry over this anymore...i hate talking about it, but i know if i dont its just going to eat away at me...

yesterday i kinda broke down again...and kinda got the feeling that he doesnt like me anymore...if anything, thats a pretty safe bet...see, we got into a weird not talking phase in which sheets decides to totally ignore me, then throws in my face that i had done that once...then implies that he liked somebody else (or likes somebody else)...after he explains who she is (noelle, cool girl, just broke up with an ex during christmas break) he explains that shes talking about another guy alot and that it wasnt really worht it (something like that)...thats when i burst into tears (yet again) and ask what the hell am i waiting for, and he says he doesnt know (yet AGAIN)...rori and steve end up going to the food court and me and sheets go to target (btw someone help me find a preety itouch case please)...before that happened i remember something about saying i was here...and then he said something like but you were different then...i think thats proof enough that he doesnt like me...then why am i still sticking around for more torture...

anyhow..after the target extravaganza, in which i got a lovely display of sheets's indecision ( it is really bad...dvd or cd, cd or dvd...dear lord it was sick lol) we went back to the food court...while waiting for rori and steve to get back, we were all ipod listening to and stuff...coheed and cambria actually, i love them now...and i just blurted out the question...what the hell am i waiting for?

i think im just waiting for more hurting...and everyday i talk to him only makes me like him more...even the damn indecisions growing on me...it gets annoying after awhile but its growing on me...i know i jumped the gun on the love thing, buit i think i could if i was given the chance...too bad he doesnt seem like he wants the chance...or me to be exact...

i asked him if he thought olsi was right when he said hed regret losing me...he said he didnt know (somehting about how he was afriaid of those words)...in theory, when a person says that they dont know if theyd regret losing you , they mean that they dont forsee anything with you...once that gets ingrained in my head, i might be able to look at another person...

i gotta get over this...my sanity's at stake...literally...

i dont know what to do anymore...whether to continue on a small chance, or let go now...i wanna let go...most of me is telling me to let go...but something pulls me back everytime...i dont even think he sees all the good in himself...he should though...hes a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him...too bad i was too late...

i wrote a letter to him on my ipod...its a bit long and im still working on it...its not so much to let him read as much to figure out what the hells going on on my end of this rather sick arangement...i want some answers...

i wanna stop feeling crappy about myself...

i remember him saying at least with you there was a chance...maybe hes saying there isnt a chance at all...i also remember him sayinng his sister didnt like me...i could totally understand why though, what with me going out with him and putting him through absolute hell...

i wanna make this up to him...

Afterword

okay, anybody who reads this with an itouch, teach me how to sign in to the internet on the damn thing....for this i woulda gotten the 8gig nano and saved some birthday money, but i wanted the internet...

the itouch is a freaking dream by the way...i lost all my album art though...thats the only bad thing, but honestly i love the damn thing it is my freaking baby and i love it...either i am not going out today or i am on a quest for a protector thingy..preferably green...like a cute green case would be awesome...green is my favorite color you know...its awesome...its not too bright like red or too dark like blue...(sry people who say those are their favorites lol)...and it isnt too light yellow lol...i like all them colors but green is my favorite...lol...

so yea, someone help me with my pioneering technology please.

thank you...

by the way, im feeling a bit better...but i havent seen him since i got my itouch...

he doesnt have to give me a definite answer now, because i know he isnt ready...i just want to know that im not waiting around for nothing...i dont mine inward torture unless it pays off in the end...and normally i wont put myself through this, but now i am...either because im really emo now, or cuz i think hes honest to god worth the wait...

maybe my mom is right...maybe i have been devaluing myself...i dont know how to see myself has the person i always was...or maybe still am...maybe the change in me when i was with sheets was me devaluing myself...i dont wanna devalue myself anymore...im not gonna be conceited or anything, but everybody's worth something...

at the same time, i think if i give up on this and stop waiting, ill lose out somehow...my relationships all go south, but i know how to pick them...with jimmy, part of it was my mom, but it was because i got freaked about a lot of things...one, he said he loved me and i was like no way...plus the creepy crawly feeling for harris werent helping...speaking of harris (whose doing better from the alan thing btw im actually really proud of my bmcc bound brother...i may be getting a baby brother but hes still a brother to me)...things went south cuz we fought like absolute hell and that opened the door to other problems...the thing with sheets went wrong cuz of reasons mentioned in earlier blogs that escepe me now...

i am not going to say i need a relationship, because i dont...if anything im enjoying my first single month in a little over a year...i dont know what the hell im waiting for and i think ive cried a whole lot, but i like it better than not knowing that i made a change or yelling at someone...

maybe in high school, you dont need so much commitment....maybe u just want someone whos there for you...

anyhoo imma leave now cuz i really have to wait for the meter guy and my ipod and the tv is going to make it vvery hard to hear the bell...

bye

Stuck

why do i ask for misery, then when i am miserable, i blame others?

i know ive been down for the last couple of weeks, but yesterday i found out where my misery is leading...most likely...more misery...

well yesterday, me, rori, and sheets, head down to manhattan for a day of shopping and looking at crap...(on a lighter note, i have an 8gig itouch! w00t! too bad my acroos the universe musica didnt go through yet...bleck)...among other things, we went to a libretto store, pried sheets away from the nederlander (it houses rent, but not for long)...took pics of the walls, and went from store to store looking for anywhere that sold an 8gig itouch...

well, throughout the whole day, sheets was acting like really close with me and stuff, to the point where rori was like stop flirting...when they leave i find a text on my phone saying im not ready for a relationship sorry i led you on (paraphrasing)...i was like huh, then i was like wow...i dont even wanna ask what hes figured out yet, either because hes gonna be like ive fgured out your a collosal bitch (i wouldnt be altoghether surprised..hurt, not surprised) or cuz hes gonna say ive figured out a grand total of nothing...i think its both actually...

i dont know whether to hang on to this a little longer or spare myself now...the thing is, everytime i make some progress...i lose it all...

rori said something about look at other ppl...i realized at the dance that i cant...i cant do it...one, scoping out guys was never me and whenever people do it, it makes me mad, people arent chunks of meat)...two...i cant look at anybody else when i like someone...especially as much as i do now...

at the same time...i dont wanna get led on...i may have been davaluing myself for a long time, but normally i draw the line at getting led on...its been done to me before i hate it...and when someone comes to me saying i led them on i have no idea what they're talking about because i never mean to do it...rori said something about me leading people on...thats why i say that...

anyhow...ill be okay hopefully...ill pull through alright...scarred, but alright...normally, i do...then again this hasnt been a normal case for me...

i am on a quest to stop thinking...maybe i need to turn my brain off...considering rori and sheets are forever insinuating that analytical peole dont have feelings...

honestly, i dont think im analytical anymore....i think im a mix now...im this oddmix of analyist and emotionalist, and there fighting to see which is dominant...the analytical side of me is probably the calm side of me that kicked in when rori and marina sat me down on my sixth month anniversary and told me everything...my emotinal side apparently just came back from tahiti...and its really been putting in overtime to make up for all of that time missed...and if i were a differnt kind of a person in a different kind of situation, id welcome this opprtunity to get in touch with my feelings...but being me, and dealing with this...i wanna ake sense of this, and my analytical side has been trying, but the emotional side knows how to mess up my logic and turn this into something ive neverdealt with before...

if a guy doesnt want me, i know how to let that go...why cant i now?

gonna go mess with my pioneering technology now

oh...and as for my brother, he comes in nine months, but not before doctors make sure we are all healthy...were talking full physical...bleck...byebye fluids...

Dance, Dance / Hate That I Love You

i got some news...I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!!!...my dad finally got his kid....his name is daniel alfredo and i am so going to show my friends his picture...

i read sheets' blog just now...i guess the details are here i guess...oh well...

i was just talking to my very wise freshman friend rebecca and she told me i should date outside my friend circle...because where has it gotten me...a bisexual ex boyfriend and a best friend that you yourself drove away...and all you want sometimes is for him to see you as the peson you are, and not compare you to the person you were...because your past really can change you...and im trying to get my old self back, and i think i may have her back, but its hard when u make all this progress, then you start hanging out with the guy again, and you backtrack to where you were before...i kinda enjoy the fact that he didnt mention my clinginess and kleptoness (which is really just grabbiness, klepto only has to do if u keep the stuff, but whatever) and the fact that i may have just driven him away with all of my freaking issues, and the fact that i was fighting with harris in the beginning, and in florida in the end...damn there really was no way to save it was there?...i may not be ready for a relationship either, cosidering this is taking such a toll on me...

im halfway between jumping for joy at the prospect of a sibling, and bursting into tears because of the crap ive walked into...

ive been talking to olsi, liza santana's (wonderful singer) boyfriend...and he was telling me that sheets would regret all of this...i honestly dont think so...if he didnt regret breaking up with me, i dont know if he wouldnt regret cutting all ties altogether...i remember him saying he would regret it if he let it go...i dont know though, personally, i think hes a lot better of a person than me, considering i didnt see him break once when the roles were switched...once, twice tops...meanwhile, if im not crying im visibly sad, so much so that my mother has taken notice...

i dont know how to get my analytical streak back...ive had my run in with emotions, and i dont like it...i cant pull off the happy mask...it breaks when i put it on...i can pull off totally numb, but not happy...and numb makes people watch, cuz numb has never been me...

i hate this....i hate the fact that this one thing has taken over my life...i hate that all of the progress i make goes to shit when i hang out with him, i hate the fact that my timing absolutely sucks, i hate that when i talk to people aboout this, i must sound pathetic...my timing really does suck, considering as hes all done and moving on, i get stuck on him worse than anything else...i hate the fact that none of my reasoning applies to this situation...that anything else ive talke myself out of...i cant do it this time..eitther its cuz ive gotten stupider or my brain has decided that this is a guy worth torturing myself over...he could be worth torturing myself over...he sorta did the same thing in a way...but theres kind of a difference...he wanted out, i dont...

i cant believe i just said that...i cant believe i just admitted that i kinda dont want to get over him cuz i like him...it would probably be better for me if i did get over him though...ill see what happens...if events take a turn for the worse and i feel like slitting my throat, ill try alot harder at getting over him...

the schools dance was yesterday...i learned how to dance like normal people do...praying to god nobody got pictures of that...i may have gotten a little carried away, considering i was hurting considerably and the fact that it got fun after awhile...

anyhoo...im going to go play some more mercury...more on my brother as it unfolds...

My Junk

hey...sry sheets i stole your title...but it works for my blog lol...

well, heres wats gone down lately...im going to write about what ive seen on other blogs...harris imma recap here sorry...

harris has been really into this guy alan...whos an ass to him but other than that honestly isnt too bad of a guy...hes pretty manipulative tho...and from what ive heard, a guy in clover likes him...i think his name is ronald...ive seen him...a rather tall dude with the classic "i like guys" voice...along with that new clover face is a guy named jake...he claims to be straight but everybody else thinks hes bi cuz he keeps going off with alan or something like that dont quote me on this...all i have to say on this is that harris is way too good for alan, and anybody would be totally lucky to have him, and id set him up if i felt like talking to anyone else besides my group friends and the select few outside of my closest friends...lol...

i admire rori...i think she has to be one of the strongest people i know, and im happy shes my friend..shes been working on mrs walker and doing a lovely job with it...i am painfully happy with what i got when it comes to casting...i get the best song in the show...its called pinball wizard...

steve has his own problems...not quite sure wha they are and how theyre panning out, but i know i dont have the right or the information to talk about this learnedly.

as for me, im trying to put the peices back together...nd trying to put the puzzle together, considering he said he doesnt know what hes gonna do...i have no problem waiting and stuff...i just wanna make sure im waiting for something and that im gonna get hurt waiting for it...we ended up having a big discussion about it, involving me crying a lot, both of us apologizing a lot, and him saying i dont know a lot...i dont know whats gonna happen...he did say he still likes me, just not as much...i just wanna know if im waiting for something to happen thats not going to happen...i like him tho...and i know i can wait around for awhile...because i do think hes worth the wait (and i dont mean just now)...but is the wait gonna pay off?

i dont know anymore...olsi was like i can set u up and he said that in front of him i was like no im okay like twice...then liza asked me and i aid thx, but no thx...i think i found a really good guy..hell, he prolly found me...

is it smart to wait around for a really good guy on the basis of a 60/40 chance?

i guess ill find out...

this is whats been hapening in my life so far...

Kryptonite

This is a bit surreal...updating my blog from a cell phone...steves to be exact...

Sheets did in fact say no...honestly I can't blame him...lol...I'm okay with it, cuz were friends and he said when he's ready, its an option....the question is...how long should I wait?

I really do like him, that much I know...but rori said something like a 60/40 ratio...do I stick it out for a ratio that doesn't favor me as much as it does? Ill never know I guess...I wanna stick it out...but I don't know if what I want to do is what's gonna kill me...

I'm walking with harris,steve, and the object of harris's affections...who's rather mean to him...whatever...

I don't know what I'm gonna do about this...the best I can do now is wait it out for now and see what happens...and try to fix all my flaws so I don't screw up later

Whixh brings me to my big question...

Can people really, honestly change without any trace of the unwanted quality?

Its snowing outside so ill post this and come back to it later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hey...my hair literally got frozen outside..and now im cold and sick and achy...snow is worth it tho i guess...

so yea...do you think people can really change? i asked harris, rori, steve, and sheets, in no particular order..here is what they said...dont quote me im going on memory

harris said a person can change, as long as they try really really hard and have the willpower to change for the better, you can...rori said you are who you are, and not much will change that...steve said flat out no, and in my case its worse in a way, cuz its so ingrained and its a part of me...i asked sheets flat out can people change, he said yes...then he said he didnt mean it as a shot at me....if anything thats quite encourgaging...the person ur trying to show that u can change says that people are capable of changing...i dont want to ask how that would be a shot at me...im afraid im just gonna get my feelings hurt...and i do have to be a lot stronger than i have been in order to get myself thru this...to get myself thru the self taught therapy im throwing on myself, specifically for my own improvement...this is more for me than for him though...this is something i have to do, and whatever happens with him happens...but if it does happen, i wann be a better person...not jut for him, but for me too...

anyhoo...on to lighter matters...

i may never have a math class again...all hail mr qualls...

mr green is a very wise man...

liza santana thinks my eyes are burgundy...and i love the song pinball wizard...

thats it for now...byers

Wake Up Call

sheets said he had an answer...i get to either bevery happy or ery sad tomorrow...imma prepare for the worst...thaat prolly whats gonna happen anyway...i have a knack for that i guess....

the thing is either way im still gonna like him a lot...and itll suck that a guy i really really like wont give me another chance or anything...i hate this...not knowing...and i didnt wanna rush him, but sort of confiding in harris and his yelling doesnt help

i never meant to make him feel bad...if anything all i want is to encourage him and crap...i just end p saying the wrong thing all the time...i want him to give me another chance...but i guessi just have to realize that that may not happen...i have to make my peace with that, or im gonna end up shooting myself...i really do ike him though...and itl hurt if it doesnt wrk out but as log as hes happy, it may not be so bad for me...

i do have to be single for now tho...

the tihng is...i actually get nervous around him sometimes...even jealous a bit...not too much tho...

im afraid of what im gonna hear tomorrow...im afraid im gonna get hurt...cuz i stuck it out this long...and i screwed it up ith him, and i dont wanna screw it up again...i really like him, and i wanna get it right...

that is, if i get the chance...i dont think i will tho...and the sick thing is that i tried to become the person i was...the person he liked before i got screwed up by the guys before him...idk what im gonna hear tomorow, but i hope he gives me another chance...

hopefully ill get one...but considering ive hurt him so much, i dont deserve it...i prolly dont deserve a guy like sheets...i guess caring, sweet guys are out of my league now...

oh well...at least ive learned my lesson...never let a good guy slip through, cuz ull regret it eventually...

thats it for now...expect a big blog tomorrow...bye...

I Don't Wanna Be In Love

the thing with sheets is over...long story short...he got over me just as i fell for him harder than i ever thought i could...and now im screwed...cuz i like a guy who not only most likely doesnt like me back, but actually gave it a shot with me, and found that i was absolutely horrible to deal with...

the sick thing is that i really like him...and when i dropped the three word bomb i meant it...and i still do...

i remember asking him if it was a breakup or just a break...he said he didnt know...apparently im this other person when im in a relationship...an im clingy and just this really shallow person it looks like...if i had been told this from the freaking getgo, i woulda benn like okay, and i woulda tried to fix it...

at least now i know karmas really paid me back this time...in a really ironic way too...the guy (a pretty damn good all around guy too) who liked me for how long now realizes that hes over me just as im falling for him pretty damn hard...ill be okay eventually...i dont want him thinking i hate him, because i dont...quite the opposite...im not gonna lie and say that i dont want us to get another shot, because i do...

he did say he wasnt reay for a relationship tho, and maybe im not either...getting oer harris was only part of the deal, i just have to make sure that i dont make the same mistakes twice...obviously i did, and now im really paying for it...the minute i finally pick a good guy...i when he realizes that most likely, im not good enough for him, that he could do better...which ironically, is what i told him...damn...im getting emotionally pummeled by my own advice...

im too depressed to write now...ill update later...i just wanted to let the world know that my life has been turned upside down yet again...and it wont ever be the same at least not for a long time...

byebye

p.s. - happy birthday to me...

Home

were coming home tomorrow....lots of people are coming home now...me and rori from florida, marcus is coming back...techicaly harris's biness is his coming home from the closet...btw harris i want royalties for u using my saying lol jk

last hour of internet winding down....bleck...we gotta go to universal soon then we gotta clean...the black dye got everywhere lol...bleck...

downloading music...sang karaoke...i wanna do that song for spring concert now, if as long as your mine with sheets ends up not panning out...malanie got to sing at the concert, i want to too...she better let me...

thats it for now...bye