The Suffering / Too Little Too Late

i think im finally going to realize all the pain that im going to experience in the near future...and all the pain ive caused sheets ovver the last year or so...

before i get into that, ill get into the events of the last couple of days...not just me, but everyone...

harris has been getting over alan from what i understand...hes been doing a good job too, im really impressed with how hes doing actually...i wish i could get over a guy like he does...

steve has found a girl whos probably more analytical than he is...and when the time came to answer her, her best freiend write on his hand "work by emotion, not by logic"...that little junior girl had him pegged...(shes the valedictorian, and shes good with people, bleck im jealous)...steves girl in question's name is colleen, according to others, shes quite cold and mean...the only contact i ever had with her was math class first term junior year, when she gave me her homework to copy every day...im probably the only one without a real issue with her...rori's handling it pretty well actually...

im so jealous of them all...all of them getting over their past loves and crap...all of them getting on with their lives...i wish i could...

i dont wanna cry over this anymore...i hate talking about it, but i know if i dont its just going to eat away at me...

yesterday i kinda broke down again...and kinda got the feeling that he doesnt like me anymore...if anything, thats a pretty safe bet...see, we got into a weird not talking phase in which sheets decides to totally ignore me, then throws in my face that i had done that once...then implies that he liked somebody else (or likes somebody else)...after he explains who she is (noelle, cool girl, just broke up with an ex during christmas break) he explains that shes talking about another guy alot and that it wasnt really worht it (something like that)...thats when i burst into tears (yet again) and ask what the hell am i waiting for, and he says he doesnt know (yet AGAIN)...rori and steve end up going to the food court and me and sheets go to target (btw someone help me find a preety itouch case please)...before that happened i remember something about saying i was here...and then he said something like but you were different then...i think thats proof enough that he doesnt like me...then why am i still sticking around for more torture...

anyhow..after the target extravaganza, in which i got a lovely display of sheets's indecision ( it is really bad...dvd or cd, cd or dvd...dear lord it was sick lol) we went back to the food court...while waiting for rori and steve to get back, we were all ipod listening to and stuff...coheed and cambria actually, i love them now...and i just blurted out the question...what the hell am i waiting for?

i think im just waiting for more hurting...and everyday i talk to him only makes me like him more...even the damn indecisions growing on me...it gets annoying after awhile but its growing on me...i know i jumped the gun on the love thing, buit i think i could if i was given the chance...too bad he doesnt seem like he wants the chance...or me to be exact...

i asked him if he thought olsi was right when he said hed regret losing me...he said he didnt know (somehting about how he was afriaid of those words)...in theory, when a person says that they dont know if theyd regret losing you , they mean that they dont forsee anything with you...once that gets ingrained in my head, i might be able to look at another person...

i gotta get over this...my sanity's at stake...literally...

i dont know what to do anymore...whether to continue on a small chance, or let go now...i wanna let go...most of me is telling me to let go...but something pulls me back everytime...i dont even think he sees all the good in himself...he should though...hes a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him...too bad i was too late...

i wrote a letter to him on my ipod...its a bit long and im still working on it...its not so much to let him read as much to figure out what the hells going on on my end of this rather sick arangement...i want some answers...

i wanna stop feeling crappy about myself...

i remember him saying at least with you there was a chance...maybe hes saying there isnt a chance at all...i also remember him sayinng his sister didnt like me...i could totally understand why though, what with me going out with him and putting him through absolute hell...

i wanna make this up to him...