Stuck

why do i ask for misery, then when i am miserable, i blame others?

i know ive been down for the last couple of weeks, but yesterday i found out where my misery is leading...most likely...more misery...

well yesterday, me, rori, and sheets, head down to manhattan for a day of shopping and looking at crap...(on a lighter note, i have an 8gig itouch! w00t! too bad my acroos the universe musica didnt go through yet...bleck)...among other things, we went to a libretto store, pried sheets away from the nederlander (it houses rent, but not for long)...took pics of the walls, and went from store to store looking for anywhere that sold an 8gig itouch...

well, throughout the whole day, sheets was acting like really close with me and stuff, to the point where rori was like stop flirting...when they leave i find a text on my phone saying im not ready for a relationship sorry i led you on (paraphrasing)...i was like huh, then i was like wow...i dont even wanna ask what hes figured out yet, either because hes gonna be like ive fgured out your a collosal bitch (i wouldnt be altoghether surprised..hurt, not surprised) or cuz hes gonna say ive figured out a grand total of nothing...i think its both actually...

i dont know whether to hang on to this a little longer or spare myself now...the thing is, everytime i make some progress...i lose it all...

rori said something about look at other ppl...i realized at the dance that i cant...i cant do it...one, scoping out guys was never me and whenever people do it, it makes me mad, people arent chunks of meat)...two...i cant look at anybody else when i like someone...especially as much as i do now...

at the same time...i dont wanna get led on...i may have been davaluing myself for a long time, but normally i draw the line at getting led on...its been done to me before i hate it...and when someone comes to me saying i led them on i have no idea what they're talking about because i never mean to do it...rori said something about me leading people on...thats why i say that...

anyhow...ill be okay hopefully...ill pull through alright...scarred, but alright...normally, i do...then again this hasnt been a normal case for me...

i am on a quest to stop thinking...maybe i need to turn my brain off...considering rori and sheets are forever insinuating that analytical peole dont have feelings...

honestly, i dont think im analytical anymore....i think im a mix now...im this oddmix of analyist and emotionalist, and there fighting to see which is dominant...the analytical side of me is probably the calm side of me that kicked in when rori and marina sat me down on my sixth month anniversary and told me everything...my emotinal side apparently just came back from tahiti...and its really been putting in overtime to make up for all of that time missed...and if i were a differnt kind of a person in a different kind of situation, id welcome this opprtunity to get in touch with my feelings...but being me, and dealing with this...i wanna ake sense of this, and my analytical side has been trying, but the emotional side knows how to mess up my logic and turn this into something ive neverdealt with before...

if a guy doesnt want me, i know how to let that go...why cant i now?

gonna go mess with my pioneering technology now

oh...and as for my brother, he comes in nine months, but not before doctors make sure we are all healthy...were talking full physical...bleck...byebye fluids...