i got some news...I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!!!...my dad finally got his kid....his name is daniel alfredo and i am so going to show my friends his picture...
i read sheets' blog just now...i guess the details are here i guess...oh well...
i was just talking to my very wise freshman friend rebecca and she told me i should date outside my friend circle...because where has it gotten me...a bisexual ex boyfriend and a best friend that you yourself drove away...and all you want sometimes is for him to see you as the peson you are, and not compare you to the person you were...because your past really can change you...and im trying to get my old self back, and i think i may have her back, but its hard when u make all this progress, then you start hanging out with the guy again, and you backtrack to where you were before...i kinda enjoy the fact that he didnt mention my clinginess and kleptoness (which is really just grabbiness, klepto only has to do if u keep the stuff, but whatever) and the fact that i may have just driven him away with all of my freaking issues, and the fact that i was fighting with harris in the beginning, and in florida in the end...damn there really was no way to save it was there?...i may not be ready for a relationship either, cosidering this is taking such a toll on me...
im halfway between jumping for joy at the prospect of a sibling, and bursting into tears because of the crap ive walked into...
ive been talking to olsi, liza santana's (wonderful singer) boyfriend...and he was telling me that sheets would regret all of this...i honestly dont think so...if he didnt regret breaking up with me, i dont know if he wouldnt regret cutting all ties altogether...i remember him saying he would regret it if he let it go...i dont know though, personally, i think hes a lot better of a person than me, considering i didnt see him break once when the roles were switched...once, twice tops...meanwhile, if im not crying im visibly sad, so much so that my mother has taken notice...
i dont know how to get my analytical streak back...ive had my run in with emotions, and i dont like it...i cant pull off the happy mask...it breaks when i put it on...i can pull off totally numb, but not happy...and numb makes people watch, cuz numb has never been me...
i hate this....i hate the fact that this one thing has taken over my life...i hate that all of the progress i make goes to shit when i hang out with him, i hate the fact that my timing absolutely sucks, i hate that when i talk to people aboout this, i must sound pathetic...my timing really does suck, considering as hes all done and moving on, i get stuck on him worse than anything else...i hate the fact that none of my reasoning applies to this situation...that anything else ive talke myself out of...i cant do it this time..eitther its cuz ive gotten stupider or my brain has decided that this is a guy worth torturing myself over...he could be worth torturing myself over...he sorta did the same thing in a way...but theres kind of a difference...he wanted out, i dont...
i cant believe i just said that...i cant believe i just admitted that i kinda dont want to get over him cuz i like him...it would probably be better for me if i did get over him though...ill see what happens...if events take a turn for the worse and i feel like slitting my throat, ill try alot harder at getting over him...
the schools dance was yesterday...i learned how to dance like normal people do...praying to god nobody got pictures of that...i may have gotten a little carried away, considering i was hurting considerably and the fact that it got fun after awhile...
anyhoo...im going to go play some more mercury...more on my brother as it unfolds...
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1 comment:
Good words.
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