How Strong Do You Think I Am

i dont know how long i can take this...

turns out the apology was totally fake...he then proceeded to call me every name in the book, including a slut for going as far as i did with harris...as a comeback i called him a liar...i managed to hold in the tears until he left...once he did i couldnt hold it in any longer..i just exploded with tears...all i remember thinking was how could he? then i took into account his reasoning...apparently its for everythig ive ever done to him...and as much as i wanted to hate him for what he had said, i knew there was a meaning to those words...and perhaps he was right...

i manage to calm down enough for third period, then fourth rolls around, and i run into sam (harris's girlfriend i love her so much ud think a persons ex would hate their girlfriend...sometimes i like her better than him lol) and harris...he sees me crying nearly hysterically, and he asks me what happened now...i told him as much of my conversation with him that i hadnt blocked out...he then exploded, and took sam and this girl daniella (whos forever flirting with him, earning the eternal wrath of sam...i only know her as the girl with the cool pink calculator)down to his class...they hadnt done anything when they went back to 327...im freaked out because im afraid they might actually d something to him...then fifth rolls around, then him and rori come up the stairs...to answer harris's challenge...i hadnt said a wrd to him, when he accuses me of setting harris loose on him...then rori brings to my attention that harris had done and said the same exact things, minus brining up something that was always better in the dark anyway...

well either way, im still a giant mess when i walk into psychology...kimmy and maria give me the funniest, and yet the meanest pep talk in the world...mean because it was, funny because it totally wasnt working...they were like youre way too pretty for him and hes weird...i wanted to hit them but i settled for a polite laugh...

seventh rolls around...i am required by the school to be in the same room as him...im half between berating myself for setting myself up, and hating him for meaning every word he says...i dont say a word to him...he doesnt say a word to me...when the bell rings i hear something like hes not hangning out because im going to be there...i end up going with them to wendys...on the way down out the building the frosty breach in communication suddently closes, and hes yelling at me like no tomorrow...i just like why are you talking to me its not like this is going to fix anything...i dont know what happened, somehow im hearing the same apology all over again...him saying he was mad and that he couldnt help but resent me....although that morning i had heard the word hatred...the only thing im thinking is like i havent heard this before...first he hates me, then he apologizes, thenhe haates me again, then hes apologizing again...

as of right now were on okay ground...but he said in order to make things even, id have to suffer for the same amount of time...about a year and a half for him...add on the nine and a half months of annoying harris to death, and another year of the suffering i had caused jimmy...s it appears i ave a lot of suffering to do...i wonder how much of it i can take...

plsu theres the eternal battle...to like him or not to like him...some days its worse than others, but it isnt stopping me from wanting to drop kick one of my best friends even though its retarded because the dude has no feelings for me whatsoever and this is all a moot point anyway...well im working on it...

i hate this...i hate tht i have to torture myself to save myself from future karma encounters...oh well, when college rolls around, maybe thatll absolve me eventually...

speaking of college...

I GOT INTO CUNY HONORS BROOKLYN!!! i knew those essays were gold...lol

harris (no offense) is slowly carving his way to oblivion...literally...

rori and steve have switched roles....rori is apathetic, and steve is now caring about others...he was actually listening to my tears of pain, and after

sheets is (according to me, and im pretty biased) getting tons of girl attention...that seems really stupid coming from me...cuz im a pretty jealous human being...but whatever i can hack it...

i am fine minus my insanely weird devotion to making karma go away... hope he doesnt feel guilty cuz it isnt his fault...i think i may have to do this...

The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You / Beautiful Liar / Apologize

i feel lied to...betrayed, definately...hurt, quite an understatement...i took the apology, but i dnt know if it can really do anything...

long story short, sheets told me what he really thought of me...like turned to love, to resentment, to finally hatred...hatred enough to bring up a deadly secret of mine that i trusted the group with...roris never mentioned it to me, steve didnt believe it, even for harris its too low for him to use against me...but sheets brought t up, all cuz i was trying to help rori vent...hatred enough to say our entire friendship was based on lies...meaning the reasons i liked him were lies, meaning our month long thing was a lie too...

i dont like knowing ive lived a lie...i knew i was lying to myself...

and the thing was i was trying during that month to make up for all the crap i had done to him, with or without my knowledge...he looked at me and said congradulations, you failed...with this huge ass smug smile too...

so cuz we werent friends anymore, we werent speaking to each other...i was quite proud of mself too...limited tears, no real regrets about the whole thing, cuz it wasnt my fault this time, because he brought up what ginie had done to him...and blamed every bit of it on me...

we went to nintendo world...somehow, harris finds out were fighting, and he calls me, all exasperated too, like why are you two fighting...i told him what he had said to me, and suddently, his attitude changed...he actually said why are you underreacting...ha..underreacting, coming from the guy whos called me both dramaqueen and desperate...hes telling e tell him off tell him off curse him out and i tell him no...thats when he was like i give up on you...i tell him that once i seperate good sheets fro evil sheets, or reconcile the two, i may be able to do it...somehow thats when i start crying...harris actually helped me reconcile the two,but he doesnt ake me curse sheets out (thank god)...apparently, he wrote sheets a very nasty text (which i got to read) berating his character...heh...

then we go to mcdonalds....steve gets a happy meal, with the crappy spiderwick chronicles toywith the "seeing stone" which was really a peice of plastic with tiny dots on it...thats when my ipod dies...thats the first recontact sheets ade with me...the analytical side of the table stops dead...i getting pissed off, cuz hes not not talking to me like he said he was going to...considering he said our friendship was a lie and he was dropping the group starting with me...i was expecting a lot more silence than i got...

then we go to virgin mobile record store...im wondering why communications arent dead...i had honored the bar contact contract, save for some accidental responses which i directed to either rori or steve...sheets gets teh damn prizefighter inferno...im thinking well, crap, cuz the day our friendship ends he gets the cd...so i get sweeney todd to make myself feel better (btw, the worst pies in london, my friends, epiphany, and a little priest are the best songs)...which only inspires more of him talking to me...i do what i can do...completely tune him out, which i figured was what he wanted anyway...on a lighter note me, rori, and steve found cookie sutra and got hit on by a guy with a real kama sutra book...he was asking me what my favorite part was...me being an idiot played along...he wasnt a bad looking guy tho...he had cool hair...needless to say rori and steve got me out of there before he fed me rohypnol or something...

then we go to toys r us...i play ddr with steve for two rounds, then steve jumps off and lets sheets on...this alone is pissing me off cuz im like hes in my breathing space...then steve picks a song i hate, making it worse...i beat sheets though which made it better...then sheets bereates me for him being late...which really sets me off cuz if hes not talking to me, why is he yelling at me...me and steve are like what the hell is he doing...

then, on the train ride back...he starts yelling at me again...im trying to ignore him and somehow im forced to address the issue...he starts taking back what he said remark by remark...by the end of the ride hes asking for forgiveness...

what is forgiveness?

does it involve forgetting?...if it did, i wouldnt be in this situation...if it didnt, maybe it wouldnt be so hard to let it go...

does it mean thingsgo back to normal?

can i even have normal anymore?

or have i twisted everything to the point where normal no longer exists...

this dramas ben killing me...ive been killing myself...and sheets has apparently been enjoying every minute of it...it sounded like a big revenge kick to me...and that ceepy smile he gave me only made it worse...

i couldnt recncile the good joey, and the joey i saw yesterday...forgiving him means separating the two again...im wondering if its even possible anymore...i told himm iwasnt entirely over him and thre wasnt anything i could do about it...you always carry a tiny thing for your exes...and the thing yesteday helped a lot...rori atarted the percent thing...im about a 98/2...thats as good as it will get for now, and im glad i did even that much in a month...im just pissed at myself for even wasting my time with a guy who hated me the whole time...

only time will tell...i took the apology but he knows i dont trust him...i cant trust him...the only friend i ever trusted blind was the one who stabbed me, front and back, the deepest...

as of right now, ill work through this on my own...

back to sweeney todd...byers

With A Little Help From My Friends

well, im no longer allowed at sheets house...AGAIN...

i came out of hi house reeking like smoke and spend a good 24 hours trying to clear my name...my mom means well, but now she doesnt trust me because she thinks im lying to cover for someone....which im not...

bleck...and she accused me of going out with sheets behind her back...way to tug at the strings connected to the worst parts of my heart...lol...she doesnt see how sheets could turn me down flat (she said it worse and those were her words and im pissed at them)...

im eighteen, i dont wanna be a pastors child anymore...

well, thats the past, as is me bitching over the sheets thing...i know when im fighting a losing battle...plus im sort of enjoying singlehood now...idk why, its just less stressful in a way...

plus ive been having a blast with sheets in a friend way...yesterday we were all at the mall and me and him went to like five stores that sold games all over the queens center mall area...it was singlehandedly one of the most fun things i had ever done in a while...then when we finally fin a store with the game, the game is opened, he panicks, he doesnt buy it and we walk out, him apologizing for dragging me around, me laughing hysterically saying it was fun...

steve and harris are dating again...steve, a girl named colleen, who is either not as evil as she is, or not as nice as she seems...either one is pretty scary

harris, a girl named samantha (hereafter known as sam)...i love her shes awesome...you would think as an ex girlfriend, im not sposed to like her, but i do...shes fun...too bad him going out with her pisses jimmy off too...he was ranting how harris doesnt deserve to be happy...apparenly he still loves me, and he wanted to get with her too...idk...

well hes in the cast now...this should be a lovely show now...hopefully no one actually becomes deaf blind and dumb cuz of violence...

anyhoo, ive been feeling a lot better about the whole thing, considering now i know where i stand...and rori and harris have been awesome in helping me through the whole thing...well, harris when hes not busy lol...annelis was awesome too, cuz she istened and let me cry it out, which i guess i really need to do sometimes...i guess if i dont regularly i take it out on people i shouldnt and get them mad...

plus, i wanna distace myself from the pastor child image harris has constantly labeled me with...i am ver sorry, but i dont wanna be that girl anymore...i wanna grow up finally...

anyhoo, were gonna get to see a show for english class soon which is awesome...yay...rori and steve are coming...

harris isnt going abck to church anymore...he thinks the lord will smite him once he alks back in, plus with his rather...ahem, "out" there myspace that lots of people see, he thinks hes outed himself to the whole church...plus he raises the question of brainwashing...i wuldnt go tat far, but i do subscribe to the theory of slight hypocrisy among the people...which ire ally hate to say, conidering i grew up with them...

well i gotta go...writing this in my current location was kinda risky, let alone danerous...so bye