The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You / Beautiful Liar / Apologize

i feel lied to...betrayed, definately...hurt, quite an understatement...i took the apology, but i dnt know if it can really do anything...

long story short, sheets told me what he really thought of me...like turned to love, to resentment, to finally hatred...hatred enough to bring up a deadly secret of mine that i trusted the group with...roris never mentioned it to me, steve didnt believe it, even for harris its too low for him to use against me...but sheets brought t up, all cuz i was trying to help rori vent...hatred enough to say our entire friendship was based on lies...meaning the reasons i liked him were lies, meaning our month long thing was a lie too...

i dont like knowing ive lived a lie...i knew i was lying to myself...

and the thing was i was trying during that month to make up for all the crap i had done to him, with or without my knowledge...he looked at me and said congradulations, you failed...with this huge ass smug smile too...

so cuz we werent friends anymore, we werent speaking to each other...i was quite proud of mself too...limited tears, no real regrets about the whole thing, cuz it wasnt my fault this time, because he brought up what ginie had done to him...and blamed every bit of it on me...

we went to nintendo world...somehow, harris finds out were fighting, and he calls me, all exasperated too, like why are you two fighting...i told him what he had said to me, and suddently, his attitude changed...he actually said why are you underreacting...ha..underreacting, coming from the guy whos called me both dramaqueen and desperate...hes telling e tell him off tell him off curse him out and i tell him no...thats when he was like i give up on you...i tell him that once i seperate good sheets fro evil sheets, or reconcile the two, i may be able to do it...somehow thats when i start crying...harris actually helped me reconcile the two,but he doesnt ake me curse sheets out (thank god)...apparently, he wrote sheets a very nasty text (which i got to read) berating his character...heh...

then we go to mcdonalds....steve gets a happy meal, with the crappy spiderwick chronicles toywith the "seeing stone" which was really a peice of plastic with tiny dots on it...thats when my ipod dies...thats the first recontact sheets ade with me...the analytical side of the table stops dead...i getting pissed off, cuz hes not not talking to me like he said he was going to...considering he said our friendship was a lie and he was dropping the group starting with me...i was expecting a lot more silence than i got...

then we go to virgin mobile record store...im wondering why communications arent dead...i had honored the bar contact contract, save for some accidental responses which i directed to either rori or steve...sheets gets teh damn prizefighter inferno...im thinking well, crap, cuz the day our friendship ends he gets the cd...so i get sweeney todd to make myself feel better (btw, the worst pies in london, my friends, epiphany, and a little priest are the best songs)...which only inspires more of him talking to me...i do what i can do...completely tune him out, which i figured was what he wanted anyway...on a lighter note me, rori, and steve found cookie sutra and got hit on by a guy with a real kama sutra book...he was asking me what my favorite part was...me being an idiot played along...he wasnt a bad looking guy tho...he had cool hair...needless to say rori and steve got me out of there before he fed me rohypnol or something...

then we go to toys r us...i play ddr with steve for two rounds, then steve jumps off and lets sheets on...this alone is pissing me off cuz im like hes in my breathing space...then steve picks a song i hate, making it worse...i beat sheets though which made it better...then sheets bereates me for him being late...which really sets me off cuz if hes not talking to me, why is he yelling at me...me and steve are like what the hell is he doing...

then, on the train ride back...he starts yelling at me again...im trying to ignore him and somehow im forced to address the issue...he starts taking back what he said remark by remark...by the end of the ride hes asking for forgiveness...

what is forgiveness?

does it involve forgetting?...if it did, i wouldnt be in this situation...if it didnt, maybe it wouldnt be so hard to let it go...

does it mean thingsgo back to normal?

can i even have normal anymore?

or have i twisted everything to the point where normal no longer exists...

this dramas ben killing me...ive been killing myself...and sheets has apparently been enjoying every minute of it...it sounded like a big revenge kick to me...and that ceepy smile he gave me only made it worse...

i couldnt recncile the good joey, and the joey i saw yesterday...forgiving him means separating the two again...im wondering if its even possible anymore...i told himm iwasnt entirely over him and thre wasnt anything i could do about it...you always carry a tiny thing for your exes...and the thing yesteday helped a lot...rori atarted the percent thing...im about a 98/2...thats as good as it will get for now, and im glad i did even that much in a month...im just pissed at myself for even wasting my time with a guy who hated me the whole time...

only time will tell...i took the apology but he knows i dont trust him...i cant trust him...the only friend i ever trusted blind was the one who stabbed me, front and back, the deepest...

as of right now, ill work through this on my own...

back to sweeney todd...byers