wazzap???
PRAISE THE A!!
I chose Happy New Year A specifically because there's an A in it. I got an A. I'm so estactically happy its not even funny.
Current stand on grades.
English:B
Intro to Acting:B (makes sense, I was missing stuff)
Arts of New York: A!!!
Shaping the Modern World: Nothing yet. Hopefully it's a B or over. I really need a B or over.
Italian:W (But you all knew that)
Current GPA: 3.33!!!
I may just make it.
New Schedule, which I've made my peace with. So what if I've got to come it at 9:30 and i"m not off Fridays? Screw it. I'm taking classes I really like and the last time I tried to fit a schedule I got into Italian. I go with my gut now.
Okay, now I'm confused. I've got to check my classes now. This isn't exactly what I'd signed up for.
But either way. Things have been sucking this month, but I just feel so much better now. My grades are rocking, I passed my seminar so even if history doesnt work out in my favor, I've still got my spot.
So. Happy. I. Can't. Stop. Dancing. LOL.
Now, I've got to clean a bit before I head to church to hang with Aiyanna. Whee.
~*~*~
I hung with ym cousin yesterday. She thinks I've got bad taste in boyfriends. I think she's gonna set me up. She's the cousin besides Ginie that I'm really close with, and I'd rather Mel set me up then Ginie, her being in high school and all. I was so shocked though. She was like "Christine, I'm happy you see people's inner beauty, but..." A part of me wanted to kill her, but nobodys every said that to me before. Either way, I thought it was really mean. SO I think she's gonna set me up to try to get me away from my trend of liking...I'm not ever sure what I like anymore. Every guy I like has gotten me into some sort of trouble. So I guess she'll try to steer me well, and I trust her. I should. She gave me my first sip of the liver poison known as beer. Maybe it's because I'm not 21, but I always knew it would taste terrible. I now resign myself to the fate of being the sissy with the fruit drink while my friends chug back beers. She said on my 21st birthday, she's gonna take m drinking. Whee. Another two years and I'll be wasted. LOL. Mad random. In the meantime, my liver will remain as pure as it can.
~*~*~
Watching I Love the New Millennium. It's where "Wazzap" comes from. lol.
Who Let The Dogs Out?
And Milf and Rabbit got kicked off. Annelis knows what I'm talking about.
Ack. Why is Sisqo on I love the New Millennium? His segment is "Girls I Wanted to See In Thongs in the New Millennium." Wow. Way to degrade, people.
They've also got "How Gay Was It?"
HA.
Gonna clean now. Bye.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shadow of the Day (tentative title, may change)
Hello.
First and most important thing first. Rory has officially dropped me. Which hurts, but considering how Harris is virtually unforgivable, I assume my situation fares no better. All I know is that she thinks my definition of friendship and hers are just too different for us to fuction as friends anymore, so that's it. Apparently this is because I hung out with Liza and Harris last Sunday, even though by the time I'd IMed her to say hi, he had already been gone. So all I was really doing was hanging out with Liza and Ruben, and I didn't quite have the time to explain that.
My stance on Harris in general was that if he hurt me like he did before, I would drop him, no questions. But given his explanation to what happened with Jonathan, and taking into consideration what I saw when Jonathan and Ruben were all over each other, I made a judgement call that nobody had really done anything wrong, so I saw no problem in ending my part in the fight. Grudges to me are poison.
I can't hold a decent grudge for anything more than an hour. I feel like I'd rather forgive someone and be disappointed every once in a while, than cut myself off from them and lose a good friend. Sheets has hurt me too, but I didn't drop him either. Granted, I couldn't at the time, but I still wouldn't have, and I'm very happy he's still my friend.
Speaking of Sheets, upon reading his blog, that's it for any sort of romantic connection. I am more okay with this than I have ever thought possible. I'm so surprisingly okay with this that I have shocked myself. Three reasons on my side:
1) Jimmy is still one of my best friends, even if I can't exactly pinpoint what one thing I did wrong, I want to respect what he has to say.
2) If Rory's not friends with me, I wouldn't want to date one of her friends and make it harder for her to forget me. I won't make anything harder for anyone.
3) I'm done waiting for things that I know aren't going to happen. To be honest, I was a little hopeful about all of this, but there are certain sagas I would now rather leave a mystery.
Waiting around only wastes time apparently. From now on, no more dating friends, no more dating close friends. I need someone who likes me for me, and can take the good with the bad and all that other stuff. I'm pretty forthcoming with my flaws, so whoever this unlucky soul is will know what they're getting into.
Now that I've mentioned Jimmy, aparently everybody knows his issue with me save for me. I've got some ideas, but they won't tell me, because I've got to find out myself. Even Sheets's sister Sammy texted me, indignant of my ignorance. Way to send the relatives on me. Sammy's cool though, so it's okay. I've done a bunch of bad things to him, and I remember how much I've hurt him. I've also stressed the fact that I want to fix things with him. I want to b his friend, a better friend than I was to him in the past. I want to be a better friend to all the friends I have left.
It's funny, because Harris actually said a while ago that I'd be the next one to get dropped out of the group, and he was right. His predictions are almost never right. I happened to be with Liza and Ruben when Rory dropped me, and she told Harris, who sounded furious when he randomly called me. That's the sad thing. No matter how untrustworthy Harris was and how much he lied, he never dropped me, proving that he has been better. Believing anybody is hard, because as much as you can't trust someone who lies, someone who tells the truth and drops you is
To me, grudges hurt everybody involved and I'd rather set myself up for disappointment than block all potential pain out. My most valuable lessons have come from pain. Most of the things I have learned about relationships have come from the long, dragged out bickering with Harris, and the heart-wrenching pain from the unrequited Sheets thing. I'm just glad I'm not the mess of second term senior year. I know about unrequitedness too. That's why Jimmy's pain breaks my heart.
I want to be his friend. I also want to stay friends with Steve and Sheets. Hopefully we still can, in light of recent events.
I'm gonna go now. I guess I'll feel better soon.
Bye, if anybody actually is gonna read this now that I'm not actually in the group anymore.
Either way, goodbye.
First and most important thing first. Rory has officially dropped me. Which hurts, but considering how Harris is virtually unforgivable, I assume my situation fares no better. All I know is that she thinks my definition of friendship and hers are just too different for us to fuction as friends anymore, so that's it. Apparently this is because I hung out with Liza and Harris last Sunday, even though by the time I'd IMed her to say hi, he had already been gone. So all I was really doing was hanging out with Liza and Ruben, and I didn't quite have the time to explain that.
My stance on Harris in general was that if he hurt me like he did before, I would drop him, no questions. But given his explanation to what happened with Jonathan, and taking into consideration what I saw when Jonathan and Ruben were all over each other, I made a judgement call that nobody had really done anything wrong, so I saw no problem in ending my part in the fight. Grudges to me are poison.
I can't hold a decent grudge for anything more than an hour. I feel like I'd rather forgive someone and be disappointed every once in a while, than cut myself off from them and lose a good friend. Sheets has hurt me too, but I didn't drop him either. Granted, I couldn't at the time, but I still wouldn't have, and I'm very happy he's still my friend.
Speaking of Sheets, upon reading his blog, that's it for any sort of romantic connection. I am more okay with this than I have ever thought possible. I'm so surprisingly okay with this that I have shocked myself. Three reasons on my side:
1) Jimmy is still one of my best friends, even if I can't exactly pinpoint what one thing I did wrong, I want to respect what he has to say.
2) If Rory's not friends with me, I wouldn't want to date one of her friends and make it harder for her to forget me. I won't make anything harder for anyone.
3) I'm done waiting for things that I know aren't going to happen. To be honest, I was a little hopeful about all of this, but there are certain sagas I would now rather leave a mystery.
Waiting around only wastes time apparently. From now on, no more dating friends, no more dating close friends. I need someone who likes me for me, and can take the good with the bad and all that other stuff. I'm pretty forthcoming with my flaws, so whoever this unlucky soul is will know what they're getting into.
Now that I've mentioned Jimmy, aparently everybody knows his issue with me save for me. I've got some ideas, but they won't tell me, because I've got to find out myself. Even Sheets's sister Sammy texted me, indignant of my ignorance. Way to send the relatives on me. Sammy's cool though, so it's okay. I've done a bunch of bad things to him, and I remember how much I've hurt him. I've also stressed the fact that I want to fix things with him. I want to b his friend, a better friend than I was to him in the past. I want to be a better friend to all the friends I have left.
It's funny, because Harris actually said a while ago that I'd be the next one to get dropped out of the group, and he was right. His predictions are almost never right. I happened to be with Liza and Ruben when Rory dropped me, and she told Harris, who sounded furious when he randomly called me. That's the sad thing. No matter how untrustworthy Harris was and how much he lied, he never dropped me, proving that he has been better. Believing anybody is hard, because as much as you can't trust someone who lies, someone who tells the truth and drops you is
To me, grudges hurt everybody involved and I'd rather set myself up for disappointment than block all potential pain out. My most valuable lessons have come from pain. Most of the things I have learned about relationships have come from the long, dragged out bickering with Harris, and the heart-wrenching pain from the unrequited Sheets thing. I'm just glad I'm not the mess of second term senior year. I know about unrequitedness too. That's why Jimmy's pain breaks my heart.
I want to be his friend. I also want to stay friends with Steve and Sheets. Hopefully we still can, in light of recent events.
I'm gonna go now. I guess I'll feel better soon.
Bye, if anybody actually is gonna read this now that I'm not actually in the group anymore.
Either way, goodbye.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Carol of the Bells
Hiya. Merry Christmas, dear blog readers.
I've been getting depressing again, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perfectly valid (family turmoil, for one thing). But some of my reasons for being depressing are not so valid, and they're impeding on my ability to decide what's important and what isn't. So, before I try to be happy this Christmas Eve, I'll add some more misery. Then the sadness leaves the blog for the rest of the entry.
The funeral was heartbreaking, plain and simple. No amount of mental preparation prepared me for any of that. My aunt was a mess, everybody was crying. We were only there for what felt like forever, but it was probably like twenty minutes. I was behind my aunt and the service was in spanish, so I didnt see the minister, like it mattered. She was screaming near the end, and I feel like my strongest memory of that aunt won't be of her petting my hair throughout my childhood in a way that annoyed me so, it'll be her screaming at Jose's funeral. My uncle Romel, ever the emotional rock, didnt look like he'd cried, which didn't surprise me. But who am I to tell someone how to grieve?
Apparently my mom is. Harris's Christmas party was today,and I'd opted out because, you know, funerals and parties don't mix. (Unless you really didn't like the desceased. And that was my cousin, and I love him very much.) Harris really wanted me to go, and he'd finaly convinced me to stop by to pick up a present he'd very thoughtfully picked. (Which was "Lost Ate My Life" this LOST fandom book. I'd originally wanted the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book complete with script, but he'd gotten that instead.) So I call my mom saying I want to stop by and maybe stay for a bit. She said, and I quote: "Your cousin just got buried, I would have thought you'd show more respect, you're not going." When I ask why, she acts like that was exactly what I wanted. Really? What I actually want is for my cousin to be ALIVE, and not buried near Cleveland, which has nothing to do with Harris's party. Nobody should tell anybody how to grieve for a loved one. I've never lost anyone this close, I was almost expecting I'd be one of those misplaced grief people who giggle through funerals and cry through weddings. Thank God, I'm not. Granted, I see humor in sad movies sometimes. But thats besides the point. Nobody should say how someone else should grieve. Then she apologizes for jumping down my throat about what I'm going to wear tomorrow to my aunt's little gathering, and nagging me to look pretty and stuff. Yeah, that's the apology I want to hear. What I really wanted to hear was the apology for guilting me into spending Christmas Eve alone with my thoughts. But I can't tell her that. I haven't felt like I could even tell her about my day without doing some random thing wrong. So I close up with her, and open up to my friends, like Rory and Steve and all of them. Lots of stuff, that I could trust family with, but I don't. because family's closer, therefore, more likely to critisize. Friends choose you. Family's stuck with you.
Speaking of friends, after the funeral, I decide to visit my old room in Ginie's house, where Jose used to sleep whenever he stood over and I wasn't there. I end up sitting in there for awhile, reading a Collections of Madeline book. (you know, the little french girl? Twelve little girls in two straight lines? IF you don't know, you were deprived.) So I'm reading, trying to forget the morning as best I can, and I get an IM from Sheets. Now, anybody reading from the last couple of days knows that he started fighting with me over stolen music that I stole from him like...awhile ago, on the day I tell him my cousin just died. It's nice of him, but it was confusing nonetheless, so I decide to ask if the fights over, which would be good news for me. He says yeah, because it's Christmas and I'm clarly going through a rough time. I point out that I was going through a hard time to begin with, when this whole thing began. He simply states that he got over it, and proceeds to talk about something else. Honestly, I'm completely perplexed. One doesn't normally call a friend a hypocrite for pointing something out and verbally poke and prod over something they feel is important, then suddenly get over it due to extenuating circumstances. He confuses me. It's mindboggling. And it isn't fair.
My resolution in the last entry still stands. I hav acknowledged that waiting around will only make things worse, and make for a "Four Month Journey into Heartbreak and Hell, Act 2." And I know I deserve better than waiting around for something that might not happen. I am not saying I wouldn't wait for circumstances to arise where something COULD be possible. The inner hopeless romantic won't let me completely abandon the cause. Perhaps a part of e will always want to know, always want to wait, and I can indulge that. But I refuse to be the lovesick person I was throughout TOMMY. That's not fair to anyone, and I refuse to be the female version of one of the few things I myself cannot live with: a person who makes their other half their ultimate priority. Granted, I've always been that way, but not because of lovesickness, but more because of loyalty. I can proudly say I'v never cheated on a guy I was in a relationship with. I ain't on that shit. (Yay for Chris Rock.). Hopefully everybody gets where I'm coming from.
As for the Jimmy part of the situation. I've of many opinions on him and his opinions of everything. One part of me really dislikes him for it. I like him, it's alleged he likes me (I never have the courage to just ask myself). Another part of me understands. I remember my feelings of weirdness when Harris formally introduced me to Sam. I think part of the reason why I see him with a guy is because if he's with a girl, I'll see what I did wrong with him, and I really don't want to see that. It'll be gross. I loved Harris, and seeing him with another girl, feelings for Sheets or not, was weird. And if Jimmy still loves me, it would probably be weirder. I can also understand that whole loyalty thing. Well, loyalty is loyalty, I can totally respect that. But a part of me thinks that love means wanting them to be happy, no matter what that means.
The lines are fading to grey, aren't they?
Fell asleep. Sorry.
Anyway, Ginie told me yesterday how to get free themes for my sidekick. But she told me it was justfor her kind, the LX. BUt a bit of searching and a computer switch to my HP later, WHEEE!!! Free themes. I've got a couple favorites, like my Shadow the Hedgehog one, and my love is a rainbow one and my Twilight one and...and...my Mario and my Little Mermaid and my weird Joker one. I've got lots. lol.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone. Now, I'm gonna try to get games. lol hee.
Watch Monk. It's funny.
I've been getting depressing again, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perfectly valid (family turmoil, for one thing). But some of my reasons for being depressing are not so valid, and they're impeding on my ability to decide what's important and what isn't. So, before I try to be happy this Christmas Eve, I'll add some more misery. Then the sadness leaves the blog for the rest of the entry.
The funeral was heartbreaking, plain and simple. No amount of mental preparation prepared me for any of that. My aunt was a mess, everybody was crying. We were only there for what felt like forever, but it was probably like twenty minutes. I was behind my aunt and the service was in spanish, so I didnt see the minister, like it mattered. She was screaming near the end, and I feel like my strongest memory of that aunt won't be of her petting my hair throughout my childhood in a way that annoyed me so, it'll be her screaming at Jose's funeral. My uncle Romel, ever the emotional rock, didnt look like he'd cried, which didn't surprise me. But who am I to tell someone how to grieve?
Apparently my mom is. Harris's Christmas party was today,and I'd opted out because, you know, funerals and parties don't mix. (Unless you really didn't like the desceased. And that was my cousin, and I love him very much.) Harris really wanted me to go, and he'd finaly convinced me to stop by to pick up a present he'd very thoughtfully picked. (Which was "Lost Ate My Life" this LOST fandom book. I'd originally wanted the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book complete with script, but he'd gotten that instead.) So I call my mom saying I want to stop by and maybe stay for a bit. She said, and I quote: "Your cousin just got buried, I would have thought you'd show more respect, you're not going." When I ask why, she acts like that was exactly what I wanted. Really? What I actually want is for my cousin to be ALIVE, and not buried near Cleveland, which has nothing to do with Harris's party. Nobody should tell anybody how to grieve for a loved one. I've never lost anyone this close, I was almost expecting I'd be one of those misplaced grief people who giggle through funerals and cry through weddings. Thank God, I'm not. Granted, I see humor in sad movies sometimes. But thats besides the point. Nobody should say how someone else should grieve. Then she apologizes for jumping down my throat about what I'm going to wear tomorrow to my aunt's little gathering, and nagging me to look pretty and stuff. Yeah, that's the apology I want to hear. What I really wanted to hear was the apology for guilting me into spending Christmas Eve alone with my thoughts. But I can't tell her that. I haven't felt like I could even tell her about my day without doing some random thing wrong. So I close up with her, and open up to my friends, like Rory and Steve and all of them. Lots of stuff, that I could trust family with, but I don't. because family's closer, therefore, more likely to critisize. Friends choose you. Family's stuck with you.
Speaking of friends, after the funeral, I decide to visit my old room in Ginie's house, where Jose used to sleep whenever he stood over and I wasn't there. I end up sitting in there for awhile, reading a Collections of Madeline book. (you know, the little french girl? Twelve little girls in two straight lines? IF you don't know, you were deprived.) So I'm reading, trying to forget the morning as best I can, and I get an IM from Sheets. Now, anybody reading from the last couple of days knows that he started fighting with me over stolen music that I stole from him like...awhile ago, on the day I tell him my cousin just died. It's nice of him, but it was confusing nonetheless, so I decide to ask if the fights over, which would be good news for me. He says yeah, because it's Christmas and I'm clarly going through a rough time. I point out that I was going through a hard time to begin with, when this whole thing began. He simply states that he got over it, and proceeds to talk about something else. Honestly, I'm completely perplexed. One doesn't normally call a friend a hypocrite for pointing something out and verbally poke and prod over something they feel is important, then suddenly get over it due to extenuating circumstances. He confuses me. It's mindboggling. And it isn't fair.
My resolution in the last entry still stands. I hav acknowledged that waiting around will only make things worse, and make for a "Four Month Journey into Heartbreak and Hell, Act 2." And I know I deserve better than waiting around for something that might not happen. I am not saying I wouldn't wait for circumstances to arise where something COULD be possible. The inner hopeless romantic won't let me completely abandon the cause. Perhaps a part of e will always want to know, always want to wait, and I can indulge that. But I refuse to be the lovesick person I was throughout TOMMY. That's not fair to anyone, and I refuse to be the female version of one of the few things I myself cannot live with: a person who makes their other half their ultimate priority. Granted, I've always been that way, but not because of lovesickness, but more because of loyalty. I can proudly say I'v never cheated on a guy I was in a relationship with. I ain't on that shit. (Yay for Chris Rock.). Hopefully everybody gets where I'm coming from.
As for the Jimmy part of the situation. I've of many opinions on him and his opinions of everything. One part of me really dislikes him for it. I like him, it's alleged he likes me (I never have the courage to just ask myself). Another part of me understands. I remember my feelings of weirdness when Harris formally introduced me to Sam. I think part of the reason why I see him with a guy is because if he's with a girl, I'll see what I did wrong with him, and I really don't want to see that. It'll be gross. I loved Harris, and seeing him with another girl, feelings for Sheets or not, was weird. And if Jimmy still loves me, it would probably be weirder. I can also understand that whole loyalty thing. Well, loyalty is loyalty, I can totally respect that. But a part of me thinks that love means wanting them to be happy, no matter what that means.
The lines are fading to grey, aren't they?
Fell asleep. Sorry.
Anyway, Ginie told me yesterday how to get free themes for my sidekick. But she told me it was justfor her kind, the LX. BUt a bit of searching and a computer switch to my HP later, WHEEE!!! Free themes. I've got a couple favorites, like my Shadow the Hedgehog one, and my love is a rainbow one and my Twilight one and...and...my Mario and my Little Mermaid and my weird Joker one. I've got lots. lol.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone. Now, I'm gonna try to get games. lol hee.
Watch Monk. It's funny.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Gone
Hello all. I have just finished school for the term. And I might be getting an A in arts! Whee!
That was the only good thing today.
It still hasn't entirely hit me that Jose's gone. I still feel like I'm gonna see him tomorrow...at his funeral. It doesn't help that I bought The Dark Knight and watched the lieutenant guy fake his own death and capture the Joker. The lieutenant got shot too. I've been watching Pirates 3 too. More gunshot deaths. Granted they're for the barnacle covered pirates. So that's not too bad.
But all the Hollywood magic in the world won't bring my cousin back. And it isn't fair. It also isn't fair that not even the paper knows what the hell happened to him that made somebody shoot him. More than once too. Chest and back, the article said. He was a good person. What the hell? Who shoots a good person? If anything, shoot BAD people, who shoot good people. But what defines bad people? We've all done bad things.
And one bad thing I did has me in trouble with a dear friend of mine. Stealing stolen music is bad, especially when it's somebody elses. And I don't want to fight with him anymore. Because its not about the music, its about the fact that I stole from him.
And he's right.
Even if I took it A WHILE ago. My only complaint is: why now? Why bitch me out for taking your files the day I tell you my cousin got shot? Any other day would have been fine. Yell at me on Christmas Day if you want. But not the day I tell you I spent the whole day at Ginie's baking the grief away.
Granted, I've been hearing reports of his increasing apathy. Apathy excuses nothing in my book, but it's always been common knowledge that one of the few people I break my own standards for is him. My closest friends have no faults in my book, really, unless a close friend points out the flaws to me in a way I'll get or understand. The point being: I'm easily manipulated, and I know it.
I'm also very passive aggressive. That I know. Yesterday, in the argument about the music and stealing which I totally conceded to, I said (kind of stupidly) that he didn't have to be passive aggressive about making me guess what I did wrong. The issue was brought up the day before and I thought it was all over when he's still mad at me. I try for a friendly hello, and I end up nearly crying in the computer lab at school. When I said he did that one passive aggressive thing, he jumps down my throat, calling me a hypocrite, saying I do the same thing.
That's the thing. I know I do it. I've admitted to being passive aggressive. Passive aggressive disorder actually runs in my family. It's a real disorder, and my dad has it, according to real records.
If I haven't admitted it before here it is: I am passive aggressive. Sometimes I'm bitchy. Sometimes I'm inconsolably sad, or insufferably happy, and I'm bipolar that way. I know this about myself, and I have no problem saying this. I'm a disheveled basket case.
I also didn't know until yesterday that Jimmy lied. I can say this here because I am reasonably assured that he doesn't read my blog, therefore, I can say whatever I want. Apparently he's not okay with it. Which I am, suprrisingly, okay with.
Think about it, dear readers of my blog. I'm an admitted basket case. It would be worse if I didn't know, but as it is, I do know, so whatever. And I apparently have a knack for doing stupid things that get my friends mad at me. Consider the music stealing thing. A person is pissed at me because I stole in general. I know I shouldn't have done that. And I've apologized for it. And it's still there.
And I end up visibly depressed whenever he gets mad at me, because, as I think I've told Rory and Harris, he's one of the only people who can still make me cry with something he says. One of the few people who could hurt me really badly without doing as much. And I'd still take it, and I have no idea why. It's not healthy, and I know it's not. I also know it has nothing to do with the fact that I like him or loved him (PAST Tense on the love, just so everyone knows). It's just one of those things I've got to live with.
If I'm distraught from a friend being mad at me, how will I cope when I've got relationship issues? With another heartbreak? My last heartbeak was nearly a year ago, and I still feel the pain when I remember how it felt, how I handled it.
I know I'm older now, and wiser. But with every issue solved for me, I gain yet another weird quirk, or idiosyncracy.
If something happens, so be it. But for now, I'm happy just to try to figure myself out again. You can't really like someone without liking yourself, I guess. I haven't really had a good grip on my own identity since I got my heart shattered last year. Its probably why I jumped into an ill-planned engagement a few months ago, or why I'm so emotionally dependent on people. I guess I haven't been confident in myself in awhile.
So let the quest for my identity begin! Hee.
And now for the world outside my psyche: school's over. Harris is getting me the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book. Lost is in a month. Real Chance of Love was pushed to next Monday. We won't know if Bay Bay Bay or Milf gets knocked off. Because we know it's not Corn Fed. Ha.
My cousin's death got like 10 sentences in the paper. No arrests yet, which blows. The funeral's tomorrow morning in Brooklyn. I'm getting picked up.
My mom says I'll be so emotionally drained from the funeral that I'm not gonna want to do anything else. Namely, Harris's shindig. I would have gone, but given the circumstances...I'm staying with the family. Its the right thing to do.
I've never been to a funeral before. I have no idea what to expect. And I have no idea how to say goodbye to my cousin. He's my cousin. Isn't he always there? Won't he always be with me? When he isn't with Anthony or Tia Caro or any other member of my family, of course.
He was always such a happy guy. That much I do remember from the last time I saw him.
The last time anybody from the family saw him was last week. Danny's girlfriend, Tricia hung out with him. And the last time they talked to him, he said something about me. He said that if there was one thing he knew about me, it was that I wasn't stupid. I was smart, and I had a good head on my shoulders, and that I needed to stay friends with Ginie, because we grew up like sisters and that's how we should stay.
He's probably right. Family is important, and between school and my closest friends becoming family to me, I've lost sight of that.
I'm going to go now. I feel like I've written everything in my head. And I feel like there's too much in there.
In conclusion, funeral tomorrow, I'm sorry, Sheets, for taking stuff and making you mad, and I hope we can just be friends, and praise the A.
Bye everyone
PS: this Gone is different from the last Gone, if I used one. It's not the same one.
That was the only good thing today.
It still hasn't entirely hit me that Jose's gone. I still feel like I'm gonna see him tomorrow...at his funeral. It doesn't help that I bought The Dark Knight and watched the lieutenant guy fake his own death and capture the Joker. The lieutenant got shot too. I've been watching Pirates 3 too. More gunshot deaths. Granted they're for the barnacle covered pirates. So that's not too bad.
But all the Hollywood magic in the world won't bring my cousin back. And it isn't fair. It also isn't fair that not even the paper knows what the hell happened to him that made somebody shoot him. More than once too. Chest and back, the article said. He was a good person. What the hell? Who shoots a good person? If anything, shoot BAD people, who shoot good people. But what defines bad people? We've all done bad things.
And one bad thing I did has me in trouble with a dear friend of mine. Stealing stolen music is bad, especially when it's somebody elses. And I don't want to fight with him anymore. Because its not about the music, its about the fact that I stole from him.
And he's right.
Even if I took it A WHILE ago. My only complaint is: why now? Why bitch me out for taking your files the day I tell you my cousin got shot? Any other day would have been fine. Yell at me on Christmas Day if you want. But not the day I tell you I spent the whole day at Ginie's baking the grief away.
Granted, I've been hearing reports of his increasing apathy. Apathy excuses nothing in my book, but it's always been common knowledge that one of the few people I break my own standards for is him. My closest friends have no faults in my book, really, unless a close friend points out the flaws to me in a way I'll get or understand. The point being: I'm easily manipulated, and I know it.
I'm also very passive aggressive. That I know. Yesterday, in the argument about the music and stealing which I totally conceded to, I said (kind of stupidly) that he didn't have to be passive aggressive about making me guess what I did wrong. The issue was brought up the day before and I thought it was all over when he's still mad at me. I try for a friendly hello, and I end up nearly crying in the computer lab at school. When I said he did that one passive aggressive thing, he jumps down my throat, calling me a hypocrite, saying I do the same thing.
That's the thing. I know I do it. I've admitted to being passive aggressive. Passive aggressive disorder actually runs in my family. It's a real disorder, and my dad has it, according to real records.
If I haven't admitted it before here it is: I am passive aggressive. Sometimes I'm bitchy. Sometimes I'm inconsolably sad, or insufferably happy, and I'm bipolar that way. I know this about myself, and I have no problem saying this. I'm a disheveled basket case.
I also didn't know until yesterday that Jimmy lied. I can say this here because I am reasonably assured that he doesn't read my blog, therefore, I can say whatever I want. Apparently he's not okay with it. Which I am, suprrisingly, okay with.
Think about it, dear readers of my blog. I'm an admitted basket case. It would be worse if I didn't know, but as it is, I do know, so whatever. And I apparently have a knack for doing stupid things that get my friends mad at me. Consider the music stealing thing. A person is pissed at me because I stole in general. I know I shouldn't have done that. And I've apologized for it. And it's still there.
And I end up visibly depressed whenever he gets mad at me, because, as I think I've told Rory and Harris, he's one of the only people who can still make me cry with something he says. One of the few people who could hurt me really badly without doing as much. And I'd still take it, and I have no idea why. It's not healthy, and I know it's not. I also know it has nothing to do with the fact that I like him or loved him (PAST Tense on the love, just so everyone knows). It's just one of those things I've got to live with.
If I'm distraught from a friend being mad at me, how will I cope when I've got relationship issues? With another heartbreak? My last heartbeak was nearly a year ago, and I still feel the pain when I remember how it felt, how I handled it.
I know I'm older now, and wiser. But with every issue solved for me, I gain yet another weird quirk, or idiosyncracy.
If something happens, so be it. But for now, I'm happy just to try to figure myself out again. You can't really like someone without liking yourself, I guess. I haven't really had a good grip on my own identity since I got my heart shattered last year. Its probably why I jumped into an ill-planned engagement a few months ago, or why I'm so emotionally dependent on people. I guess I haven't been confident in myself in awhile.
So let the quest for my identity begin! Hee.
And now for the world outside my psyche: school's over. Harris is getting me the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book. Lost is in a month. Real Chance of Love was pushed to next Monday. We won't know if Bay Bay Bay or Milf gets knocked off. Because we know it's not Corn Fed. Ha.
My cousin's death got like 10 sentences in the paper. No arrests yet, which blows. The funeral's tomorrow morning in Brooklyn. I'm getting picked up.
My mom says I'll be so emotionally drained from the funeral that I'm not gonna want to do anything else. Namely, Harris's shindig. I would have gone, but given the circumstances...I'm staying with the family. Its the right thing to do.
I've never been to a funeral before. I have no idea what to expect. And I have no idea how to say goodbye to my cousin. He's my cousin. Isn't he always there? Won't he always be with me? When he isn't with Anthony or Tia Caro or any other member of my family, of course.
He was always such a happy guy. That much I do remember from the last time I saw him.
The last time anybody from the family saw him was last week. Danny's girlfriend, Tricia hung out with him. And the last time they talked to him, he said something about me. He said that if there was one thing he knew about me, it was that I wasn't stupid. I was smart, and I had a good head on my shoulders, and that I needed to stay friends with Ginie, because we grew up like sisters and that's how we should stay.
He's probably right. Family is important, and between school and my closest friends becoming family to me, I've lost sight of that.
I'm going to go now. I feel like I've written everything in my head. And I feel like there's too much in there.
In conclusion, funeral tomorrow, I'm sorry, Sheets, for taking stuff and making you mad, and I hope we can just be friends, and praise the A.
Bye everyone
PS: this Gone is different from the last Gone, if I used one. It's not the same one.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Teardrops on My Guitar
I'm not a happy camper right now. My reasons for not being happy are two to threefold.
One, most importantly: My cousin has died a very violent, senseless death. This upsets me more than anybody will ever know. IT isn't fair what happened to him. It shouldn't happen to anybody. And the funeral's on Wednesday, and I'm going with Ginie and the rest of the family I have all but neglected for the past few months.
Two, far more predictably: Sheets is mad at me because I stole his music some time ago. If my Mac weren't being weird, I'd empty my computer of music I wouldn't have gotten if not for him. The Coheed and Cambria stuff, for sure. I wouldn't have gotten a lot of that without him. I only listen to like three albums anyway, I'm not sure why. The RENT stuff I would have gotten if I'd bought the CDs. Granted, I shouldn't have taken it anyway. So that goes too. I think I took a Killers song too. But I would hav downloaded it anyway, so that's that. Either way, he's not actually talking to me, so it doesn't matter what I do with it until he chooses to talk to me.
Three, of varying importance: MY GRADES. Nuff said.
I can't handle all of this. One, or even two of these things in one weekend would have been fine. BUt all three? It's not fair.
Nothing is fair anymore. My friend's pissed at me for something I did a while ago, my cousin is gone and he can't come back, and I may or may not lose my scholarship.
Not a good week for me.
watching the dark knight.
being sad.
One, most importantly: My cousin has died a very violent, senseless death. This upsets me more than anybody will ever know. IT isn't fair what happened to him. It shouldn't happen to anybody. And the funeral's on Wednesday, and I'm going with Ginie and the rest of the family I have all but neglected for the past few months.
Two, far more predictably: Sheets is mad at me because I stole his music some time ago. If my Mac weren't being weird, I'd empty my computer of music I wouldn't have gotten if not for him. The Coheed and Cambria stuff, for sure. I wouldn't have gotten a lot of that without him. I only listen to like three albums anyway, I'm not sure why. The RENT stuff I would have gotten if I'd bought the CDs. Granted, I shouldn't have taken it anyway. So that goes too. I think I took a Killers song too. But I would hav downloaded it anyway, so that's that. Either way, he's not actually talking to me, so it doesn't matter what I do with it until he chooses to talk to me.
Three, of varying importance: MY GRADES. Nuff said.
I can't handle all of this. One, or even two of these things in one weekend would have been fine. BUt all three? It's not fair.
Nothing is fair anymore. My friend's pissed at me for something I did a while ago, my cousin is gone and he can't come back, and I may or may not lose my scholarship.
Not a good week for me.
watching the dark knight.
being sad.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Captain Walker
"Captain Walker didn't come home..."
My cousin died today.
He got shot, which is the only thing I know. I spent all day with my dad's side of the family, who I haven't seen collectively in nearly a year.
I was playing Tales of Symphonia yesterday, and I had no idea that that was my cousin's last day.
Apparently, he went to a funeral, then he was with his girlfriend and two of his friend started shooting at each other and he got caught in the crossfire.
One thing I can't aquaint myself with is the fact that he's dead. I hadn't seen him in a while, so...I feel bad, because I haven't really seen him. I'm not sure if we were ever close like the way Danny and him were, or the way Ginie and I used to be.
It isn't fair. He was like 22. He had a kid. He left behind a grieving family, a toddler, her mother, a grieving girlfriend...
They caught two guys for questioning. That's all I know. His friends carried him five blocks to the hospital and they worked on him for maybe twenty or forty minutes before they decided that they couldn't save him. Apparently he got shot a few times through the back and maybe once through the neck maybe, that's the way I heard my dad describe it.
Jonathan got me through this whole day. He kept me entertained, with his relationship issues and teasing me about my relationship situation. Things like "How's your Joey? Not my Joey, but your Joey." When I told him I didn't have a boyfriend, he was like "That's because it's not official yet." This got a laugh out of me, and he was the only one to do it. Rory and Sheets had their Rory Sheets day, so I didn't want to ruin their day. I called Rory, meaning to tell her, but she never answered, and I called Sheets, but I got the vibe that this was their day, so I decided not to bother them. Harris was out of contact all day, and according to Jonathan, he's with Liza. So Jonathan singlehandedly made this day better. That I have to thank him for. He was a good friend to me today. I'll tell Harris, Rory, and Sheets tomorrow. They probably had a good day, so I don't want to depress them. Plus, there's supposed to be another Tales of Symphonia Day, anyway. I've got to tell them. They'd understand, or at least try to help me through this. That's what friends are for, right?
My cousins have decided baking helps the heart mend, so that's what we've been doing. Baking. I made my cookies, with a marble twist, Ginie and Tricia's cousin Amanda made cupcakes, Andrew made brownies. We all made something. I just managed to get away from the frosting and the cake mix long enough to write this blog, which I really needed to write. I needed the time to get everything straightened out in my head.
I still can't believe it. Every few minutes I have to stop myself from asking where he is. Because I know, and everybody knows, what happened today.
Got to eat now. Bye.
~*~*~*~
Hi.
Harris and Liza stopped by here when I called him. They stood here for like an hour to be sure I was okay. Thanks Harris and Liza.
Tales of Symphonia is supposed to be today. Can't wait.
My cousin died today.
He got shot, which is the only thing I know. I spent all day with my dad's side of the family, who I haven't seen collectively in nearly a year.
I was playing Tales of Symphonia yesterday, and I had no idea that that was my cousin's last day.
Apparently, he went to a funeral, then he was with his girlfriend and two of his friend started shooting at each other and he got caught in the crossfire.
One thing I can't aquaint myself with is the fact that he's dead. I hadn't seen him in a while, so...I feel bad, because I haven't really seen him. I'm not sure if we were ever close like the way Danny and him were, or the way Ginie and I used to be.
It isn't fair. He was like 22. He had a kid. He left behind a grieving family, a toddler, her mother, a grieving girlfriend...
They caught two guys for questioning. That's all I know. His friends carried him five blocks to the hospital and they worked on him for maybe twenty or forty minutes before they decided that they couldn't save him. Apparently he got shot a few times through the back and maybe once through the neck maybe, that's the way I heard my dad describe it.
Jonathan got me through this whole day. He kept me entertained, with his relationship issues and teasing me about my relationship situation. Things like "How's your Joey? Not my Joey, but your Joey." When I told him I didn't have a boyfriend, he was like "That's because it's not official yet." This got a laugh out of me, and he was the only one to do it. Rory and Sheets had their Rory Sheets day, so I didn't want to ruin their day. I called Rory, meaning to tell her, but she never answered, and I called Sheets, but I got the vibe that this was their day, so I decided not to bother them. Harris was out of contact all day, and according to Jonathan, he's with Liza. So Jonathan singlehandedly made this day better. That I have to thank him for. He was a good friend to me today. I'll tell Harris, Rory, and Sheets tomorrow. They probably had a good day, so I don't want to depress them. Plus, there's supposed to be another Tales of Symphonia Day, anyway. I've got to tell them. They'd understand, or at least try to help me through this. That's what friends are for, right?
My cousins have decided baking helps the heart mend, so that's what we've been doing. Baking. I made my cookies, with a marble twist, Ginie and Tricia's cousin Amanda made cupcakes, Andrew made brownies. We all made something. I just managed to get away from the frosting and the cake mix long enough to write this blog, which I really needed to write. I needed the time to get everything straightened out in my head.
I still can't believe it. Every few minutes I have to stop myself from asking where he is. Because I know, and everybody knows, what happened today.
Got to eat now. Bye.
~*~*~*~
Hi.
Harris and Liza stopped by here when I called him. They stood here for like an hour to be sure I was okay. Thanks Harris and Liza.
Tales of Symphonia is supposed to be today. Can't wait.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Go for It!
Thanks to Sheets, I've been downloading game soundtracks. It's lots of fun. This song is from the original Kingdom Hearts soundtrack. Whee. I've got both KHs, two Katamari Damacy's, Sonic Heroes, including the vocal mix, and Burnout and Need for Speed Underground. LOL.
Anyway, according to Rory's actual words and Sheets's blog, which has written words, Jimmy has stated that he dosn't care what I do. Rory even stated that because the guy in question was somebody he knew and cared about, he didn't care as much. Had it been Harris on the other hand...actually, now that I think of it, if it had been Harris, he wouldnt have evn asked, he would have just done it. And while I'm in this situation for doing the right thing, I'd rather me hurting than him.
Which leaves this whole situation out of his hands. Therefore, this isn't something Jimmy can control anymore. So who does? Who plays their next card? If I had the guts, it would probably be me. But I don't have the guts or the spine. RElationshipwise, I'v always been the person to be more laid back, to not make the desicions. To me, that was the guy's thing. Either this is because I'm generally laid back, or it's because I'm a coward. I don't think I'm a coward in anything else, besides ice skating (Rory, Jonathan, we never speak of that again. I want to go abck to clear my good name).
Jonathan said something on the ice skating rink that's really stuck with me. He said I'm always taking the safe route. This was because I didn't want to fall on my ass. I had a bad experience on the practice roller rink a few years ago, leaving me unable to sit down for nearly a week, and spraining my arm, leaving me in pain for a good month. Ice is blah to me. I've got no issues with water, it's ice. (damn, I'm an idiot.) Either way, I believe I've stuck myself in a rut. I've got to do something about this. And as much as I want to bring up where Jimmy's extraction from this leaves us, I don't want to ruin anything. On the other hand, I'm sick of teetertottering.
Rory said that people can take breaks from their significant other. Not breaking up, a la Ross and Rachel (heh), but more like taking time for other people, and establishing your own person. I've actually never done that, and it's an interesting concept. I never did that while with Harris, but that was partly because I felt like I didnt need it. Well, I needed it. Badly. And I know now. I know all the things that both Harris and SHeets said I did wrong, even if Harris was being a jerk and Rory's disproved Sheets's points. And I know not to do that anymore.
o0o! My project ROCKED. Everybodys aid it was entertaining.
OMG! Kristen Chenoweth on FRASIER? Awesome.
Hopefully I make my GPA.
MY two finals are on Monday.
Tales of Symphonia day is today. Whee. Me as Sheena, Harris as Genis (I think), Jonathan as Zelos/Kratos (I think), Sheets as Collet (That much I do know) and Sammy as Presea (Kickass character, I wish my personality was like hers. I've got Sheena the ninja, though. So no worries.)
Got Guitar Hero for the DS. I'm getting better at it. I nearly did "This Love" perfectly. And I did "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" on MEDIUM my first day with it.
OMG. Britney Spears on Will & Grace? That's funny.
Annelis and I got into Real Chance of Love. We both hate this one evil girl, Bay Bay Bay. And I joined VH1 specifically to bombard their pages with questions and long words to see if they're actually competent. Because I don't think they are.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave now. I've got to get ready for Tales of Symphonia Day.
Anyway, according to Rory's actual words and Sheets's blog, which has written words, Jimmy has stated that he dosn't care what I do. Rory even stated that because the guy in question was somebody he knew and cared about, he didn't care as much. Had it been Harris on the other hand...actually, now that I think of it, if it had been Harris, he wouldnt have evn asked, he would have just done it. And while I'm in this situation for doing the right thing, I'd rather me hurting than him.
Which leaves this whole situation out of his hands. Therefore, this isn't something Jimmy can control anymore. So who does? Who plays their next card? If I had the guts, it would probably be me. But I don't have the guts or the spine. RElationshipwise, I'v always been the person to be more laid back, to not make the desicions. To me, that was the guy's thing. Either this is because I'm generally laid back, or it's because I'm a coward. I don't think I'm a coward in anything else, besides ice skating (Rory, Jonathan, we never speak of that again. I want to go abck to clear my good name).
Jonathan said something on the ice skating rink that's really stuck with me. He said I'm always taking the safe route. This was because I didn't want to fall on my ass. I had a bad experience on the practice roller rink a few years ago, leaving me unable to sit down for nearly a week, and spraining my arm, leaving me in pain for a good month. Ice is blah to me. I've got no issues with water, it's ice. (damn, I'm an idiot.) Either way, I believe I've stuck myself in a rut. I've got to do something about this. And as much as I want to bring up where Jimmy's extraction from this leaves us, I don't want to ruin anything. On the other hand, I'm sick of teetertottering.
Rory said that people can take breaks from their significant other. Not breaking up, a la Ross and Rachel (heh), but more like taking time for other people, and establishing your own person. I've actually never done that, and it's an interesting concept. I never did that while with Harris, but that was partly because I felt like I didnt need it. Well, I needed it. Badly. And I know now. I know all the things that both Harris and SHeets said I did wrong, even if Harris was being a jerk and Rory's disproved Sheets's points. And I know not to do that anymore.
o0o! My project ROCKED. Everybodys aid it was entertaining.
OMG! Kristen Chenoweth on FRASIER? Awesome.
Hopefully I make my GPA.
MY two finals are on Monday.
Tales of Symphonia day is today. Whee. Me as Sheena, Harris as Genis (I think), Jonathan as Zelos/Kratos (I think), Sheets as Collet (That much I do know) and Sammy as Presea (Kickass character, I wish my personality was like hers. I've got Sheena the ninja, though. So no worries.)
Got Guitar Hero for the DS. I'm getting better at it. I nearly did "This Love" perfectly. And I did "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" on MEDIUM my first day with it.
OMG. Britney Spears on Will & Grace? That's funny.
Annelis and I got into Real Chance of Love. We both hate this one evil girl, Bay Bay Bay. And I joined VH1 specifically to bombard their pages with questions and long words to see if they're actually competent. Because I don't think they are.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave now. I've got to get ready for Tales of Symphonia Day.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish
I'm kind of mad.
I want an industrial. Badly. Harris has one, Rory's got a nose piercing and one on her ear. I have been bitching about the industrial since I was about fourteen. It's my body, why can't I make desicions about it? Answer, because my mom says so. Melanie was saying that the industrial would get wrapped around my hair and it would pull on me while I sleep. I have already said I'd be willing to cut my hair to maintain the thing. I've said it a lot. I've even been looking for haircuts. But no. She says befoe I even think of cutting it, I've got to condition it, because it can't be cut right now. Wouldn't my hair be better off short, so I can take care of it better?
She said Rory was having an identity crisis because she got her nose and ear done and dyed her hair. Seriously? Then what was Melanie having? An identity lobotomy? What the hell? What about Liza and Harris? They did it because they liked it. And Harris and I had always said we'd get one. Too bad he totally broke the pact and got one on his own.
Melanie's telling me she can get my mom to agree to something that isn't an industrial. I want an industrial though, so it really isn't fair.
I can't even dye my hair anymore, because she says it'll damage. It will, but that's besides the point. I've put a dye bottle to my head a grand total of maybe five or six times. That is not enough to damage it the way the salon people said it was. Meanwhile, my mother has rerlaxed her hair every two weeks for most of my childhood, and her hair is less damaged? Really? Maybe the salon people were just trying to get a little more out of the eighteen year old with lots of hair. You think that's more likely? I think so. But she'll never see it that way, because I don't plan, so the way I do things is wrong. The way I decide to treat my own newly legal body is wrong.
And then she wonders why I don't talk to her about anything. Why I always seem angry at her. Why I don't want to even tell her the details of my day anymore. Because every time I have an exceptionally good day, I go home and have to aquaint myself with the fact that as soon as I walk in, the day is over. Because she kept at the "your straight friend yu like is gay" joke until I lost it. And she didn't even accept that it bothered me. All she said was that I've suddenly got very sensitive. And that really hurts me.
She likes to tell people that I never tell her anything, that I'm the difficult one. I know I'm difficult. I do not deny that. But I'm not going to apologize when someone doesn't take my feelings into consideration. I got angry for a reason, and she can't say "I'm sorry I upset you," instead of "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." All she says is that she's sorry I got upset, but she was the one who was right, and I shouldn't have gotten so upset.
She even tells me who to date, who I should and shouldn't have feelings for. She said I can't date Harris or Jonathan, which is funny, because they're together. I don't care, but if this whole situation materializes, I'm telling her the truth. I am not going to lie about it.
Everybodys suggested for me to move out. But go where? She'd have me check in wherever I am.
If I'm supposed to grow up, be a responsible adult, and make my own informed desicions, how can I do it with adults guiding me the whole way through?
~* ~*~*~
On to lighter matters.
I did my presentation. God, help me, hope I do well.
Got new, green headphones.
Finals coming up. Aaack. Scary.
Mel's been staying with me. At least there's somebody to talk to. I nearly told her I'd been engaged. But something tells me she'd sell me out. Adults and all.
Anyway, goodbye.
I want an industrial. Badly. Harris has one, Rory's got a nose piercing and one on her ear. I have been bitching about the industrial since I was about fourteen. It's my body, why can't I make desicions about it? Answer, because my mom says so. Melanie was saying that the industrial would get wrapped around my hair and it would pull on me while I sleep. I have already said I'd be willing to cut my hair to maintain the thing. I've said it a lot. I've even been looking for haircuts. But no. She says befoe I even think of cutting it, I've got to condition it, because it can't be cut right now. Wouldn't my hair be better off short, so I can take care of it better?
She said Rory was having an identity crisis because she got her nose and ear done and dyed her hair. Seriously? Then what was Melanie having? An identity lobotomy? What the hell? What about Liza and Harris? They did it because they liked it. And Harris and I had always said we'd get one. Too bad he totally broke the pact and got one on his own.
Melanie's telling me she can get my mom to agree to something that isn't an industrial. I want an industrial though, so it really isn't fair.
I can't even dye my hair anymore, because she says it'll damage. It will, but that's besides the point. I've put a dye bottle to my head a grand total of maybe five or six times. That is not enough to damage it the way the salon people said it was. Meanwhile, my mother has rerlaxed her hair every two weeks for most of my childhood, and her hair is less damaged? Really? Maybe the salon people were just trying to get a little more out of the eighteen year old with lots of hair. You think that's more likely? I think so. But she'll never see it that way, because I don't plan, so the way I do things is wrong. The way I decide to treat my own newly legal body is wrong.
And then she wonders why I don't talk to her about anything. Why I always seem angry at her. Why I don't want to even tell her the details of my day anymore. Because every time I have an exceptionally good day, I go home and have to aquaint myself with the fact that as soon as I walk in, the day is over. Because she kept at the "your straight friend yu like is gay" joke until I lost it. And she didn't even accept that it bothered me. All she said was that I've suddenly got very sensitive. And that really hurts me.
She likes to tell people that I never tell her anything, that I'm the difficult one. I know I'm difficult. I do not deny that. But I'm not going to apologize when someone doesn't take my feelings into consideration. I got angry for a reason, and she can't say "I'm sorry I upset you," instead of "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." All she says is that she's sorry I got upset, but she was the one who was right, and I shouldn't have gotten so upset.
She even tells me who to date, who I should and shouldn't have feelings for. She said I can't date Harris or Jonathan, which is funny, because they're together. I don't care, but if this whole situation materializes, I'm telling her the truth. I am not going to lie about it.
Everybodys suggested for me to move out. But go where? She'd have me check in wherever I am.
If I'm supposed to grow up, be a responsible adult, and make my own informed desicions, how can I do it with adults guiding me the whole way through?
~* ~*~*~
On to lighter matters.
I did my presentation. God, help me, hope I do well.
Got new, green headphones.
Finals coming up. Aaack. Scary.
Mel's been staying with me. At least there's somebody to talk to. I nearly told her I'd been engaged. But something tells me she'd sell me out. Adults and all.
Anyway, goodbye.
Supermassive Black Hole
Hey, everyone.
I LOVE my Twilight soundtrack. MY dad surprised me with it today, before we went to go see The Day The Earth Stood Still. I read in the RENT as Religion fanfic that Keanu Reeves can't act his way out of a wet paper bag. Well, I disagree. He can't act his way out of a wet plastic bag. That's better than a paper bag, but it's still really robotic. He does the same kind of movies and stuff. He's either some sort of being foreign to the Earth, or a human sent into a machine.
This song is by Muse and I loves it so. It's the scene where the vampires are playing thunder baseball.
As to the events of this weekend, I will speak of them as I think of them.
I went to the Cleveland concert and heard the mixed bag that was the acapella Bohemian Rhapsody. Due to earlier emotional stress and the sheer happiness of being reunited with my dear singing friends, I cried into Ruben and Alan when I saw them, and wouldn't let Ruben go for a long while. I feel terrible for being so needy. Ruben, Alan, if you ever find this blog, sorry about that.
Harris is missing in action. Jonathan informed me of this yesterday. After helping him search around for him and turning up nothing, he's still gone. I'm a little worried, to tell the truth. Whenever he disappears, it's because he lost his phone, and then he gets online to inform the world that the thing is gone. Now, he's just gone. It's weird. *milk carton side: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HARRIS?*
Jimmy is still not speaking to me. What's worse, I've been kept out of certain hangout situations involving him so as not to start a fight. It really hurts me actually. I did exactly what he told me to do. I told him that I liked someone, told him exactly who, even told him what had happened (which amounted, and still amounts, to NADA.). ANd he ended up doing EXACTLY what I expected he'd do, get mad at me and say I didn't care about him. And hes forbidding David to speak to me. I'm the only one now without a way to contact him, because Jimmy's number one rule is that David not speak to me, and Rory was like it's not a good idea. It blows because he acts like I'm a child and I can't speak to who I want...or I can't like who I want, or that I can even choose who I have feelings for. I don't think I'd even choose differently if I could.
As it's a day later since I've addressed this interenet window, I'd liek to say that at Rory's bidding, I'm not allowed to talk to Jimmy. This bothers me, but what can I do? I want him to be happy.
Rory and Harris are on a very weird kind of stable ground. Which is good. I have nothing more to say about it, besides...nope, the whole thing is their business.
I present my project tomorrow. MY beloved laptop will venture out of the house tomorrow. God, that scares me. And another group needs it, which bothers me. Oh well, what can you do? I can be nice. Amina and Vemal can use my laptop if they want.
I present my project today.
Good luck and godspeed to me.
Taking my laptop to school today. Ack, thats creepy.
Apparently Rory and Sheets talked to Jimmy. And he doesn't care what I do. So this is out of his hands. I don't know if I should ask where that leaves everything, or if I should wait it out. FOr now, I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna pressure anybody to do anything.
Melanie did my hair today. She tied it up and put pins in it. Ack. Oh well, what can you do?
I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I guess I'll figure it all out.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Class
Pissed off, but not really.
My classes rock, the times suck.
Monday- 1100 has me at Intro to Psych, then waiting two hours till 215, when ill be in english 2. An if is chorus at 630-910.
Here's where it starts sucking.
Tuesday- 930 is People, Power,, and Politics, then a good four hour wait till the peopling of NYC. Ten minutes later, I've got intro to creative writing which ends at 455.
Wednesday- see Monday.
Thursday- people of NYC at 215, and creative writing, and im out by 455. Same as I've got now.
Friday- People, Power, and Politics. Again. 930-1045. This angers me, as I was of fridays, and now I'm not. I guess I'll live, though. I've got to.
Either way, this blows.
Goodbye. I have class.
My classes rock, the times suck.
Monday- 1100 has me at Intro to Psych, then waiting two hours till 215, when ill be in english 2. An if is chorus at 630-910.
Here's where it starts sucking.
Tuesday- 930 is People, Power,, and Politics, then a good four hour wait till the peopling of NYC. Ten minutes later, I've got intro to creative writing which ends at 455.
Wednesday- see Monday.
Thursday- people of NYC at 215, and creative writing, and im out by 455. Same as I've got now.
Friday- People, Power, and Politics. Again. 930-1045. This angers me, as I was of fridays, and now I'm not. I guess I'll live, though. I've got to.
Either way, this blows.
Goodbye. I have class.
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