Carol of the Bells

Hiya. Merry Christmas, dear blog readers.

I've been getting depressing again, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perfectly valid (family turmoil, for one thing). But some of my reasons for being depressing are not so valid, and they're impeding on my ability to decide what's important and what isn't. So, before I try to be happy this Christmas Eve, I'll add some more misery. Then the sadness leaves the blog for the rest of the entry.

The funeral was heartbreaking, plain and simple. No amount of mental preparation prepared me for any of that. My aunt was a mess, everybody was crying. We were only there for what felt like forever, but it was probably like twenty minutes. I was behind my aunt and the service was in spanish, so I didnt see the minister, like it mattered. She was screaming near the end, and I feel like my strongest memory of that aunt won't be of her petting my hair throughout my childhood in a way that annoyed me so, it'll be her screaming at Jose's funeral. My uncle Romel, ever the emotional rock, didnt look like he'd cried, which didn't surprise me. But who am I to tell someone how to grieve?

Apparently my mom is. Harris's Christmas party was today,and I'd opted out because, you know, funerals and parties don't mix. (Unless you really didn't like the desceased. And that was my cousin, and I love him very much.) Harris really wanted me to go, and he'd finaly convinced me to stop by to pick up a present he'd very thoughtfully picked. (Which was "Lost Ate My Life" this LOST fandom book. I'd originally wanted the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book complete with script, but he'd gotten that instead.) So I call my mom saying I want to stop by and maybe stay for a bit. She said, and I quote: "Your cousin just got buried, I would have thought you'd show more respect, you're not going." When I ask why, she acts like that was exactly what I wanted. Really? What I actually want is for my cousin to be ALIVE, and not buried near Cleveland, which has nothing to do with Harris's party. Nobody should tell anybody how to grieve for a loved one. I've never lost anyone this close, I was almost expecting I'd be one of those misplaced grief people who giggle through funerals and cry through weddings. Thank God, I'm not. Granted, I see humor in sad movies sometimes. But thats besides the point. Nobody should say how someone else should grieve. Then she apologizes for jumping down my throat about what I'm going to wear tomorrow to my aunt's little gathering, and nagging me to look pretty and stuff. Yeah, that's the apology I want to hear. What I really wanted to hear was the apology for guilting me into spending Christmas Eve alone with my thoughts. But I can't tell her that. I haven't felt like I could even tell her about my day without doing some random thing wrong. So I close up with her, and open up to my friends, like Rory and Steve and all of them. Lots of stuff, that I could trust family with, but I don't. because family's closer, therefore, more likely to critisize. Friends choose you. Family's stuck with you.

Speaking of friends, after the funeral, I decide to visit my old room in Ginie's house, where Jose used to sleep whenever he stood over and I wasn't there. I end up sitting in there for awhile, reading a Collections of Madeline book. (you know, the little french girl? Twelve little girls in two straight lines? IF you don't know, you were deprived.) So I'm reading, trying to forget the morning as best I can, and I get an IM from Sheets. Now, anybody reading from the last couple of days knows that he started fighting with me over stolen music that I stole from him like...awhile ago, on the day I tell him my cousin just died. It's nice of him, but it was confusing nonetheless, so I decide to ask if the fights over, which would be good news for me. He says yeah, because it's Christmas and I'm clarly going through a rough time. I point out that I was going through a hard time to begin with, when this whole thing began. He simply states that he got over it, and proceeds to talk about something else. Honestly, I'm completely perplexed. One doesn't normally call a friend a hypocrite for pointing something out and verbally poke and prod over something they feel is important, then suddenly get over it due to extenuating circumstances. He confuses me. It's mindboggling. And it isn't fair.

My resolution in the last entry still stands. I hav acknowledged that waiting around will only make things worse, and make for a "Four Month Journey into Heartbreak and Hell, Act 2." And I know I deserve better than waiting around for something that might not happen. I am not saying I wouldn't wait for circumstances to arise where something COULD be possible. The inner hopeless romantic won't let me completely abandon the cause. Perhaps a part of e will always want to know, always want to wait, and I can indulge that. But I refuse to be the lovesick person I was throughout TOMMY. That's not fair to anyone, and I refuse to be the female version of one of the few things I myself cannot live with: a person who makes their other half their ultimate priority. Granted, I've always been that way, but not because of lovesickness, but more because of loyalty. I can proudly say I'v never cheated on a guy I was in a relationship with. I ain't on that shit. (Yay for Chris Rock.). Hopefully everybody gets where I'm coming from.

As for the Jimmy part of the situation. I've of many opinions on him and his opinions of everything. One part of me really dislikes him for it. I like him, it's alleged he likes me (I never have the courage to just ask myself). Another part of me understands. I remember my feelings of weirdness when Harris formally introduced me to Sam. I think part of the reason why I see him with a guy is because if he's with a girl, I'll see what I did wrong with him, and I really don't want to see that. It'll be gross. I loved Harris, and seeing him with another girl, feelings for Sheets or not, was weird. And if Jimmy still loves me, it would probably be weirder. I can also understand that whole loyalty thing. Well, loyalty is loyalty, I can totally respect that. But a part of me thinks that love means wanting them to be happy, no matter what that means.

The lines are fading to grey, aren't they?

Fell asleep. Sorry.

Anyway, Ginie told me yesterday how to get free themes for my sidekick. But she told me it was justfor her kind, the LX. BUt a bit of searching and a computer switch to my HP later, WHEEE!!! Free themes. I've got a couple favorites, like my Shadow the Hedgehog one, and my love is a rainbow one and my Twilight one and...and...my Mario and my Little Mermaid and my weird Joker one. I've got lots. lol.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone. Now, I'm gonna try to get games. lol hee.

Watch Monk. It's funny.