Gone

Hello all. I have just finished school for the term. And I might be getting an A in arts! Whee!

That was the only good thing today.

It still hasn't entirely hit me that Jose's gone. I still feel like I'm gonna see him tomorrow...at his funeral. It doesn't help that I bought The Dark Knight and watched the lieutenant guy fake his own death and capture the Joker. The lieutenant got shot too. I've been watching Pirates 3 too. More gunshot deaths. Granted they're for the barnacle covered pirates. So that's not too bad.

But all the Hollywood magic in the world won't bring my cousin back. And it isn't fair. It also isn't fair that not even the paper knows what the hell happened to him that made somebody shoot him. More than once too. Chest and back, the article said. He was a good person. What the hell? Who shoots a good person? If anything, shoot BAD people, who shoot good people. But what defines bad people? We've all done bad things.

And one bad thing I did has me in trouble with a dear friend of mine. Stealing stolen music is bad, especially when it's somebody elses. And I don't want to fight with him anymore. Because its not about the music, its about the fact that I stole from him.

And he's right.

Even if I took it A WHILE ago. My only complaint is: why now? Why bitch me out for taking your files the day I tell you my cousin got shot? Any other day would have been fine. Yell at me on Christmas Day if you want. But not the day I tell you I spent the whole day at Ginie's baking the grief away.

Granted, I've been hearing reports of his increasing apathy. Apathy excuses nothing in my book, but it's always been common knowledge that one of the few people I break my own standards for is him. My closest friends have no faults in my book, really, unless a close friend points out the flaws to me in a way I'll get or understand. The point being: I'm easily manipulated, and I know it.

I'm also very passive aggressive. That I know. Yesterday, in the argument about the music and stealing which I totally conceded to, I said (kind of stupidly) that he didn't have to be passive aggressive about making me guess what I did wrong. The issue was brought up the day before and I thought it was all over when he's still mad at me. I try for a friendly hello, and I end up nearly crying in the computer lab at school. When I said he did that one passive aggressive thing, he jumps down my throat, calling me a hypocrite, saying I do the same thing.

That's the thing. I know I do it. I've admitted to being passive aggressive. Passive aggressive disorder actually runs in my family. It's a real disorder, and my dad has it, according to real records.

If I haven't admitted it before here it is: I am passive aggressive. Sometimes I'm bitchy. Sometimes I'm inconsolably sad, or insufferably happy, and I'm bipolar that way. I know this about myself, and I have no problem saying this. I'm a disheveled basket case.

I also didn't know until yesterday that Jimmy lied. I can say this here because I am reasonably assured that he doesn't read my blog, therefore, I can say whatever I want. Apparently he's not okay with it. Which I am, suprrisingly, okay with.

Think about it, dear readers of my blog. I'm an admitted basket case. It would be worse if I didn't know, but as it is, I do know, so whatever. And I apparently have a knack for doing stupid things that get my friends mad at me. Consider the music stealing thing. A person is pissed at me because I stole in general. I know I shouldn't have done that. And I've apologized for it. And it's still there.

And I end up visibly depressed whenever he gets mad at me, because, as I think I've told Rory and Harris, he's one of the only people who can still make me cry with something he says. One of the few people who could hurt me really badly without doing as much. And I'd still take it, and I have no idea why. It's not healthy, and I know it's not. I also know it has nothing to do with the fact that I like him or loved him (PAST Tense on the love, just so everyone knows). It's just one of those things I've got to live with.

If I'm distraught from a friend being mad at me, how will I cope when I've got relationship issues? With another heartbreak? My last heartbeak was nearly a year ago, and I still feel the pain when I remember how it felt, how I handled it.

I know I'm older now, and wiser. But with every issue solved for me, I gain yet another weird quirk, or idiosyncracy.

If something happens, so be it. But for now, I'm happy just to try to figure myself out again. You can't really like someone without liking yourself, I guess. I haven't really had a good grip on my own identity since I got my heart shattered last year. Its probably why I jumped into an ill-planned engagement a few months ago, or why I'm so emotionally dependent on people. I guess I haven't been confident in myself in awhile.

So let the quest for my identity begin! Hee.

And now for the world outside my psyche: school's over. Harris is getting me the Dark Knight's behind the scenes book. Lost is in a month. Real Chance of Love was pushed to next Monday. We won't know if Bay Bay Bay or Milf gets knocked off. Because we know it's not Corn Fed. Ha.

My cousin's death got like 10 sentences in the paper. No arrests yet, which blows. The funeral's tomorrow morning in Brooklyn. I'm getting picked up.

My mom says I'll be so emotionally drained from the funeral that I'm not gonna want to do anything else. Namely, Harris's shindig. I would have gone, but given the circumstances...I'm staying with the family. Its the right thing to do.

I've never been to a funeral before. I have no idea what to expect. And I have no idea how to say goodbye to my cousin. He's my cousin. Isn't he always there? Won't he always be with me? When he isn't with Anthony or Tia Caro or any other member of my family, of course.

He was always such a happy guy. That much I do remember from the last time I saw him.

The last time anybody from the family saw him was last week. Danny's girlfriend, Tricia hung out with him. And the last time they talked to him, he said something about me. He said that if there was one thing he knew about me, it was that I wasn't stupid. I was smart, and I had a good head on my shoulders, and that I needed to stay friends with Ginie, because we grew up like sisters and that's how we should stay.

He's probably right. Family is important, and between school and my closest friends becoming family to me, I've lost sight of that.

I'm going to go now. I feel like I've written everything in my head. And I feel like there's too much in there.

In conclusion, funeral tomorrow, I'm sorry, Sheets, for taking stuff and making you mad, and I hope we can just be friends, and praise the A.

Bye everyone

PS: this Gone is different from the last Gone, if I used one. It's not the same one.