How Strong Do You Think I Am

i dont know how long i can take this...

turns out the apology was totally fake...he then proceeded to call me every name in the book, including a slut for going as far as i did with harris...as a comeback i called him a liar...i managed to hold in the tears until he left...once he did i couldnt hold it in any longer..i just exploded with tears...all i remember thinking was how could he? then i took into account his reasoning...apparently its for everythig ive ever done to him...and as much as i wanted to hate him for what he had said, i knew there was a meaning to those words...and perhaps he was right...

i manage to calm down enough for third period, then fourth rolls around, and i run into sam (harris's girlfriend i love her so much ud think a persons ex would hate their girlfriend...sometimes i like her better than him lol) and harris...he sees me crying nearly hysterically, and he asks me what happened now...i told him as much of my conversation with him that i hadnt blocked out...he then exploded, and took sam and this girl daniella (whos forever flirting with him, earning the eternal wrath of sam...i only know her as the girl with the cool pink calculator)down to his class...they hadnt done anything when they went back to 327...im freaked out because im afraid they might actually d something to him...then fifth rolls around, then him and rori come up the stairs...to answer harris's challenge...i hadnt said a wrd to him, when he accuses me of setting harris loose on him...then rori brings to my attention that harris had done and said the same exact things, minus brining up something that was always better in the dark anyway...

well either way, im still a giant mess when i walk into psychology...kimmy and maria give me the funniest, and yet the meanest pep talk in the world...mean because it was, funny because it totally wasnt working...they were like youre way too pretty for him and hes weird...i wanted to hit them but i settled for a polite laugh...

seventh rolls around...i am required by the school to be in the same room as him...im half between berating myself for setting myself up, and hating him for meaning every word he says...i dont say a word to him...he doesnt say a word to me...when the bell rings i hear something like hes not hangning out because im going to be there...i end up going with them to wendys...on the way down out the building the frosty breach in communication suddently closes, and hes yelling at me like no tomorrow...i just like why are you talking to me its not like this is going to fix anything...i dont know what happened, somehow im hearing the same apology all over again...him saying he was mad and that he couldnt help but resent me....although that morning i had heard the word hatred...the only thing im thinking is like i havent heard this before...first he hates me, then he apologizes, thenhe haates me again, then hes apologizing again...

as of right now were on okay ground...but he said in order to make things even, id have to suffer for the same amount of time...about a year and a half for him...add on the nine and a half months of annoying harris to death, and another year of the suffering i had caused jimmy...s it appears i ave a lot of suffering to do...i wonder how much of it i can take...

plsu theres the eternal battle...to like him or not to like him...some days its worse than others, but it isnt stopping me from wanting to drop kick one of my best friends even though its retarded because the dude has no feelings for me whatsoever and this is all a moot point anyway...well im working on it...

i hate this...i hate tht i have to torture myself to save myself from future karma encounters...oh well, when college rolls around, maybe thatll absolve me eventually...

speaking of college...

I GOT INTO CUNY HONORS BROOKLYN!!! i knew those essays were gold...lol

harris (no offense) is slowly carving his way to oblivion...literally...

rori and steve have switched roles....rori is apathetic, and steve is now caring about others...he was actually listening to my tears of pain, and after

sheets is (according to me, and im pretty biased) getting tons of girl attention...that seems really stupid coming from me...cuz im a pretty jealous human being...but whatever i can hack it...

i am fine minus my insanely weird devotion to making karma go away... hope he doesnt feel guilty cuz it isnt his fault...i think i may have to do this...