wow...sorry for being back so quickly...just went blog hopping from sheets (nothing new since sunday or monday) to harris (two new, and both saying something about me)
DEAR FREAKIGN LORD...i know these are for sharing feelings regardless of judgement, but come on...damn...sometimes when he says it, i just dont get it...but when its in words like that...damn...it hurts...
it feels numb...like somebody jabbed a bunch of needles in my heart and are drawing them out SLOWLY...like that...like this pinching feeling and it hurts so bad and i wanna cry and scream and punch somthing all at the same time...
im not unreasonable, im not a bitch, im not this selfish girl who clicgs to the point of you can talk to these people anymore...but it stings a little bit...this dude was like im sorry mezzo soprano girl...he made it sound so bad, like im inferior cuz im not this glass breaking girl (ie: liza and rori) i cant break glass, but i dont have a compulsive rifting issue...(no offense to liza, i love her voice, but every note has a flourish to it...some notes are better as is...but according to my boyfriend im too low of a singer to judge)...im so hurt...but i know i shouldnt be...and the factg that i am hurts all the more...
i was observing that he prolly doesnt read any of my blogs...its prolly better that way... maybe hed have less ammo on me...less to judge me about...
Am I good enough for him? am i giving this relationship everything i have left to give? i doont know anymore...because if i was maybe i would learn to take more...but why do i have to take everything? i put up wiht the fact that hes never in the mood for me and when he is its at the worst times for me but i still deal cuz those are the only times that hes really good to me...
i feel like im freaking spinning...and i know ive done this to myself...ive hurt so many people...i guess its about time i feel the effects of my own actions...im surprised it didnt come sooner...
now i understand...i understand why sheets was so angry with me, why steve insults me (albiet friendly insults)...why harris cant look at me the same anymore...why i can barely hug him without his being repulsed by me...
that weekend changed everything...it changed absolutely everything...im so hurt, but i do know i deserve it...oh well...thats what i get...of course...i have to own up to what ive done...whatever...i can take it..and ill do it, solo or with somebody./..if thats how harris thinks of me...the balls in his court now...
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