Complicated

entering day two of the big giant fight....my e still isnt working too well...still depressed...can probably predict correctly that he either isnt depressed or that he simply doesnt giv a crap what i think about anything....

i wonder what id tell somebody in this situation...judging by my very pessimistic outlook on relationships,id prolly tell hr to maybe to let him go, cuz h doesnt rspecct whatyou say, and no matter what anybody tells you, you feel that way for a reason, and that reason should be respected...

woul i heed my own advice?

on the one hand, he doesnt seem to see that my opinion means something to me, that my stubbornness tends to have a method to it, that it makes sense to me...he didnt wanna see me on my anniversary, because he fears drama...ironically, hes in the drama club...thats rich....lol...on top of that, he confirmed everything i thought about myself during that weird physicality stage...that i was boring and despite everything he told me, i was horrible at everything, which was all his idea to begin with...does that make sense to me?

(now my e is fixed, but my d isnt doing too well)

on the other hand...i love him...thats all i can really say about it...and never before have i doubted the reciprocation more than i have right now...

i practically cried myself to sleep yesterday...is that sad? do i make what he says more important than it should be? if thats true, then why do i care so much? why does what he says hurt me so much?

u know, rori and sheets realized it was coming...but they didnt wanna tell me cuz they figured i was actually having fun on my anniversary...then when tht horrible comment came out...an i started reasoning with sheets, he told me (according to him, harris doesnt trust him anymore...sry sheets)

then we got to sheets house...where steve got there...steves a freaking instigator but hes coolness...

then my dad came to pick me up, an harris barely said goodbye to me (come to think ofit that makes sense,considering he didnt wanna see me in the first place...)

im an idiot...a long suffering idiot...but why couldnt he tell me he didnt wanna see me? i was gonna go driving yesterday...why the hell wouldnt he just tell me that? i woulda been sad, but not nearly this bad...cuz i was gonna go behind a wheel...and drive on the sidewalk again...

hes made an art of making me cry my eyes out...

the questiion is how much can i take of being pulled in, then pushed away...how much more am i willing to endure to be with a guy i love...

well if he breaks up with me, he better do it in person...all i have to say on that...

does love negate mistreatment?

not that he hits me or anything lol...its just torture, the things he says sometimes...why is it always my fault?

i know im not getting answers to these questions...

its freakin pointless isnt it?

oh well