I'm Sorry

Feeling miserable.

Like I don't deserve friends.

Like all my friends should drop me and I should start over.

Not somewhere else, because I love it in New York, but to just get out, move, do SOMETHING.

I feel like Harris did before.

Like I hurt everyone around me.

EVERYONE.

Like the world just deserves better than me.

All I can really do is say I'm sorry and try NEVER to do this to anyone else I care about.

2009 bites right now. I'm just repaying everything I did in 2008. Everything.

I want to feel guiltless for once.

Like I deserve such good people to associate themselves with me.

For the last year, I've felt like good things shouldn't happen to me.

My original theory, suffer until the fates see fit...

Seems completely plausible now.

Do I deserve better?

Probably not.

A part of me wants to die.

The rest deems this worse.

To gradually lose everyone I've gotten close to.

Hurt.

Abused.

People deserve friends better than me.

The sad part is that I do the best I can with what I have.

My best isn't good enough.

It never has been.

My friends deserve better than me.

Everyone I know deserves better than me.

Way to kick off the year.

Knowing that 2008 was when I royally messed up at least three of my friendships, and 2009 is when I get to make all of it up.

A year of sins. A year of penance.

Don't want to think about what I did.

Can't be a better friend if I don't.

It won't matter what I do now.

It won't do any good.

The world knew where I stood.

Where I stand means nothing anymore.

I can't say I want my life back.

My life includes my friends, who deserve better.

Much better.

I wish I had the emotional resolve to die right now.

But I don't.

But I can't live with the guilt any longer.

I can't live with the thought that I have the potential to hurt someone I love (in a platonic way of course.).

Too much guilt to live, not enough resolve to die.

What else is there?

Penance.

But to who?

I need help.

Who can help me?