It's a New Day

I used this song for two reasons.

Reason 1: President Obama, welcome to the White House. Also, enjoy redoing your effing oath of office twice in as many days because "the priest screwed up the recitation of the oath." Please. I watched that oath get taken. The priest did fine. He even repeated things for him. And according to my uncle (who may be biased, but ever since I was like, ten, this uncle knows a lot about a lot.), people were singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" about OBAMA. And that's a Christian song I think. God help us.

Reason 2: New starts all around for everyone really.

BIG example: Jimmy has a girlfriend. And it's not me. Its Lizzy. Not only is one of my best friends over me, he's dating a girl I positively adore. Lizzy used to sit with me before they let us up for classes, and apparently her and Amanda made out for Sheets that one day in gym. I think it was her, but either way, thank God I wasn't there. Ew.

I have never been happier for him. He deserves happiness with somebody kickass. Lizzy is positively kickass. And if I couldn't be with him, he should have gotten over me. And he did. Good for him.

I feel a lot less guilty about the whole mess now, now that he's happy. My only fear is that, without the blindness teen love tends to give you, he's gonna think I meant to hurt him and do all sorts of mean things to him, and I didn't. All I've really wanted is to be friends like before. I've really missed the Jimmy who used to wear colors and joke about monkeys and cheese. And now that he's not hurting, that Jimmy is back. Only now I won't see him for the reason that he'll be with his girlfriend, and not because he can't stand the sight of me. And that suits me just fine. The cinderblock of guilt is slightly off me. I'll never forget how much I owe him. How much I've hurt him. But I always knew he'd pull through, and hex'd eventually forget about me, and find somebody that he's not only more compatible with, but will be able to love him in a way that I just couldnt, for whatever reason, be it my mom, or dating Harris, or falling hard for Sheets, or anything else. Jimmy's finally okay, and he's not dropping anybody. And everything is going back to normal again. We'll probably never forget what we've all gone through, but we all did get through it.

If only I could say the same for my friendship with Rory. Honestly, I miss her. And I hate that I can't hang out with the rest of the group because she doesn't want to see me. I also hate that she didn't believe that I sided with her through this whole thing, but decided to keep a friendship with Harris because I don't know what I would do without him. Granted, Harris is manipulative and puts me down a lot, but he's been better, and aside from the odd and end insult and crap like that, I'm relatively sure he cares about me. I care about him too. And I care about her just as much. And I miss her just as much as I've missed the Jimmy I was friends with and fell for.

At least Jimmy's back.

Which is good.

As for me? Nothing too huge in my personal life, really. I've been hanging out with Aiyanna a lot. Ginie invited us to see this really gross movie about Valentine's Day killers who rip out people's hearts in 3D. My first horror gore movie. Whee.

Also, I've become a giant blonde despite the fact I've dyed my hair back to my original color (dark brown, almost black). Aiyanna knows, so does Ginie and Vanessa, and Jimmy saw it too. Ack. And they're never going to let me live it down.

As for my relationships, I've had none. I actually have no feelings about this. On the one hand, I enjoy the unattachment. The ability to be me, and not have to pretend to make somebody happy. On the other, I want to be attached. I like the feeling of a relationship, that somebody cares about me and vice versa.

I'm just a big mess now.

I want somebody to depend on me, and vice versa. Somebody who'd understand my need to be needed. It just feels like everybody doesn't need me. Harris's always had Liza, so he doesn't need me as much as I have always needed him. Sheets's got Rory, who dropped me, making my purpose irreverant, as I can't even hang out with my friends anymore while she's there. Jimmy is actually a lot better off without me, and now he's got Lizzy, so he doesn't need me. Steve's always seemed pretty self reliant, plus he's got Rory too. Aiyanna's got this whole other life in Vermont and her bunny friend (don't ask. I have a very vivid imagination.), and I've really missed her, but I never see her.

I miss Liza. She'd know what to do. She always knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. So would Rory, but she's not exactly talking to me. Which I can't do much about right now.

I want to feel for somebody the way I felt for Sheets, or even Harris and Jimmy. I want to know I have the capacity for it. That I have the ability to be as devoted to my person as I was to them, in any way possible.

I know a part of me is always going to wonder what would have happened if I did something differently. But I know everybody's either happier or will be happier without me. I would want to know, but I can't. And a part of me likes it that way. I just hope things work out for me as well as they did for Jimmy and Lizzy, and hopefully Harris and Sheets, because I want them both to be happy too.

In lighter news...

LOST SEASON 5!!

I think I'm in love with Faraday. I was in love with Charlie, but now I have two Lost loves. I don't know which one I love best, Charlie or Faraday. Ones a musician, one's a physicist, and both had or have very cute shippers with foreign women who get into very grave danger.

Anyway, that's it. I was pretty content, and now I'm seriously depressed. I want to die of guilt and shame and all that other stuff all over again.