Leavin'

Liza's gone.

She's on her way to Utah as I type. I wish her all the best. I'm really sad to see her go.

And now Harris wants to move too. To Massachusetts.

This would really hurt me, even if we weren't friends. I don't want to see him go. My best friend for four years would be leaving, and after Liza's sudden departure, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, my best female friend dropped me, partly for my "hanging" with Harris and he's gonna leave right after that? I know I sound really selfish, but my blog, my feelings, screw anybody who thinks I'm being selfish, because I want the best for all my friends, even the ones who aren't my best friends anymore. I don't want any more people leaving me. I lost Jimmy, and now Rory, and I'm praying I don't lose Steve, or any of the friends I met through Rory, which would really hurt.

A bunch of friends of mine have threatened to move at one point or another. Liza just left, Harris just now, I think Sheets wanted to go to Arizona, and Jimmy did too, Rory's transferring, Steve's already in Boston, Marina's gone, Aiyanna just came back from Vermont and may go back. It hurts, man. I don't want to see anyone go. I don't want thr group that isn't splitting up any more than we have to.

But as much as it hurts me, I've got to come to terms with the fact that if they want to go, they want to go. Liza's gonna rock out in Utah. Steve's probably really happy in Boston, and I wish Rory all the best, if she cares what I think, even if what I think is good. I would just miss them like crazy, more than they'd ever know.

The irony of all this is that I got dropped sort of because I hung with them, and now they're either gone or thinking about leaving. It's almost like the cosmos are sending me somewhere else entirely. And I know for a fact that I will miss them very much. But if they leave, they leave, and there's nothing to be done about it.

My main prayer of the year is that 2009 doesn't suck. It's only been a day and a half, so I won't know if that has been answered yet. So far, I'm going through 2009 without Rory, Liza, and Jimmy. I don't know if I could handle anybody else leaving. It'll just hurt too much.

It's really sad, because we all said we'd be friends forever, and we'd keep in contact and stuff. And what happened? We didn't. I'm not gonna speculate on whose faul it is that we didn't stick to each other, but either way, whoever did it, we still didn't stay friends. Whether this was because of backstabbing or moving or a fight turned war, either way.

I think my time within the group that isn't taught me something. I don't think I should hang all I know to my friends. Some things really have to be worked out on my own. Neutrality sometimes isn't an option, and when you say something regarding that neutrality, you have to make sure it checks with your conscience first. Holding grudges doesn't sit with me very well, and it never has. I think in order for me to hold a grudge, or at least a long lasting one, somebody's life has to be in the balance, or my life's got to literally hang in the balance. Nobody's life was hanging in the balance, only people's feelings toward other people. That's weird though. Both Rory and Harris were fighting, but Harris never asked us to choose. Sure, he tried getting her number, but he understood when I didn't give it to him.

I stopped writing and now I'm back. Stupid connection.

I just ate Ravioli. It wasn't half bad.

Midnight Sun rocks.

Anyway, Happy New Year.

My resolution is threefold.

1) Go back to dance class. Hip hop and ballet. Aside from weight loss, I've been wanting to get into hip hop ever since I got obsessed with America's BEst Dance Crew and I've needed to get back into ballet to work on skills I've lost since childhood.

2) Step back from relationship drama. I need to work on me. Plain and simple. I spent most of 2008 emotionally incapacitated by a guy who either didn't want me or just didn't care that I wanted him. Plus, when it comes to relationships, I want to learn how to be better. The last thing I need is to hurt someone like I did to Jimmy, or even to Sheets. And I don't want to prattle on to my friends about how someone hurt me. I've got to look at myself as me, not as another person would want me to be. I need to be alone right now.

3) Meet new people. New things are the spice of life. Also, make new friends. I never really tried to make a lot of friends. I'm going to try to be more sociable with people I don't know. Even if that means bein a little more sociable with my new Aristite like classmates. They all seem very nice, even if I get the feeling that they think I'm bipolar. I remember all of us saying we didn't want to meet new people, and now we're all split up.

Anyway, I'll edit this later. I'm tired.