Demons / Paranoia

okay...it appears ive made a tactical error here...apparently, harris really did care...now he hates me because i wrote the last blog...while blinded with anger...he thinks i really meant all of that...i didnt...had it all been true, i woulda gotten POed...

maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...

maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...

well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...

am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....

ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...

i dont wanna lose everyone...

now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...

at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...

im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...

im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...