Will I Lose My Dignity?

thats my big question...is my relentless search for harris's forgiveness demeaning me as a person? is the very thing im searching for killing me in the process? well, i do know its killing me...i havent cried over him breaking up with me except right after...then i cry after school...i thought i was okay with this...i figured id be fine...damn my delayed reactions...i dont know what it is...its just that when i hear something bad, or something thats supposed to be bad...i let it go to my brain first, and let it ferment there for awhile...i can only imagine, had i let the its over from harris ffect me right away, i would have killed myself...then something triggers it, whether it be information that changes everything, inclding why i was okay with it in the first place...or if its just me thinking so much about it...the paranoia setting in...the logic setting in...yea, despite me being generally disheveled and crazy, im pretty logical...i tend to analyze a lot...id never analyze love (aka STEVE lol), but it kinda helps me...well, anyhow...i just keptthinking about it and thinking and thinking and the only thing that made sense wasnt actually ttrue, yet the truth makes very little sense...i find that rather odd..well anyhow, according to rori, ivve been deleted from harris's myspace...i dont think you delete a person unless you are rather sure that you will never see or speak to them again...

i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...

im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...

th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...

what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...

i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...

i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...

today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)

the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...

the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...

the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...

perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...

well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...

well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...

bye