The Suffering / Too Little Too Late

i think im finally going to realize all the pain that im going to experience in the near future...and all the pain ive caused sheets ovver the last year or so...

before i get into that, ill get into the events of the last couple of days...not just me, but everyone...

harris has been getting over alan from what i understand...hes been doing a good job too, im really impressed with how hes doing actually...i wish i could get over a guy like he does...

steve has found a girl whos probably more analytical than he is...and when the time came to answer her, her best freiend write on his hand "work by emotion, not by logic"...that little junior girl had him pegged...(shes the valedictorian, and shes good with people, bleck im jealous)...steves girl in question's name is colleen, according to others, shes quite cold and mean...the only contact i ever had with her was math class first term junior year, when she gave me her homework to copy every day...im probably the only one without a real issue with her...rori's handling it pretty well actually...

im so jealous of them all...all of them getting over their past loves and crap...all of them getting on with their lives...i wish i could...

i dont wanna cry over this anymore...i hate talking about it, but i know if i dont its just going to eat away at me...

yesterday i kinda broke down again...and kinda got the feeling that he doesnt like me anymore...if anything, thats a pretty safe bet...see, we got into a weird not talking phase in which sheets decides to totally ignore me, then throws in my face that i had done that once...then implies that he liked somebody else (or likes somebody else)...after he explains who she is (noelle, cool girl, just broke up with an ex during christmas break) he explains that shes talking about another guy alot and that it wasnt really worht it (something like that)...thats when i burst into tears (yet again) and ask what the hell am i waiting for, and he says he doesnt know (yet AGAIN)...rori and steve end up going to the food court and me and sheets go to target (btw someone help me find a preety itouch case please)...before that happened i remember something about saying i was here...and then he said something like but you were different then...i think thats proof enough that he doesnt like me...then why am i still sticking around for more torture...

anyhow..after the target extravaganza, in which i got a lovely display of sheets's indecision ( it is really bad...dvd or cd, cd or dvd...dear lord it was sick lol) we went back to the food court...while waiting for rori and steve to get back, we were all ipod listening to and stuff...coheed and cambria actually, i love them now...and i just blurted out the question...what the hell am i waiting for?

i think im just waiting for more hurting...and everyday i talk to him only makes me like him more...even the damn indecisions growing on me...it gets annoying after awhile but its growing on me...i know i jumped the gun on the love thing, buit i think i could if i was given the chance...too bad he doesnt seem like he wants the chance...or me to be exact...

i asked him if he thought olsi was right when he said hed regret losing me...he said he didnt know (somehting about how he was afriaid of those words)...in theory, when a person says that they dont know if theyd regret losing you , they mean that they dont forsee anything with you...once that gets ingrained in my head, i might be able to look at another person...

i gotta get over this...my sanity's at stake...literally...

i dont know what to do anymore...whether to continue on a small chance, or let go now...i wanna let go...most of me is telling me to let go...but something pulls me back everytime...i dont even think he sees all the good in himself...he should though...hes a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him...too bad i was too late...

i wrote a letter to him on my ipod...its a bit long and im still working on it...its not so much to let him read as much to figure out what the hells going on on my end of this rather sick arangement...i want some answers...

i wanna stop feeling crappy about myself...

i remember him saying at least with you there was a chance...maybe hes saying there isnt a chance at all...i also remember him sayinng his sister didnt like me...i could totally understand why though, what with me going out with him and putting him through absolute hell...

i wanna make this up to him...

Afterword

okay, anybody who reads this with an itouch, teach me how to sign in to the internet on the damn thing....for this i woulda gotten the 8gig nano and saved some birthday money, but i wanted the internet...

the itouch is a freaking dream by the way...i lost all my album art though...thats the only bad thing, but honestly i love the damn thing it is my freaking baby and i love it...either i am not going out today or i am on a quest for a protector thingy..preferably green...like a cute green case would be awesome...green is my favorite color you know...its awesome...its not too bright like red or too dark like blue...(sry people who say those are their favorites lol)...and it isnt too light yellow lol...i like all them colors but green is my favorite...lol...

so yea, someone help me with my pioneering technology please.

thank you...

by the way, im feeling a bit better...but i havent seen him since i got my itouch...

he doesnt have to give me a definite answer now, because i know he isnt ready...i just want to know that im not waiting around for nothing...i dont mine inward torture unless it pays off in the end...and normally i wont put myself through this, but now i am...either because im really emo now, or cuz i think hes honest to god worth the wait...

maybe my mom is right...maybe i have been devaluing myself...i dont know how to see myself has the person i always was...or maybe still am...maybe the change in me when i was with sheets was me devaluing myself...i dont wanna devalue myself anymore...im not gonna be conceited or anything, but everybody's worth something...

at the same time, i think if i give up on this and stop waiting, ill lose out somehow...my relationships all go south, but i know how to pick them...with jimmy, part of it was my mom, but it was because i got freaked about a lot of things...one, he said he loved me and i was like no way...plus the creepy crawly feeling for harris werent helping...speaking of harris (whose doing better from the alan thing btw im actually really proud of my bmcc bound brother...i may be getting a baby brother but hes still a brother to me)...things went south cuz we fought like absolute hell and that opened the door to other problems...the thing with sheets went wrong cuz of reasons mentioned in earlier blogs that escepe me now...

i am not going to say i need a relationship, because i dont...if anything im enjoying my first single month in a little over a year...i dont know what the hell im waiting for and i think ive cried a whole lot, but i like it better than not knowing that i made a change or yelling at someone...

maybe in high school, you dont need so much commitment....maybe u just want someone whos there for you...

anyhoo imma leave now cuz i really have to wait for the meter guy and my ipod and the tv is going to make it vvery hard to hear the bell...

bye

Stuck

why do i ask for misery, then when i am miserable, i blame others?

i know ive been down for the last couple of weeks, but yesterday i found out where my misery is leading...most likely...more misery...

well yesterday, me, rori, and sheets, head down to manhattan for a day of shopping and looking at crap...(on a lighter note, i have an 8gig itouch! w00t! too bad my acroos the universe musica didnt go through yet...bleck)...among other things, we went to a libretto store, pried sheets away from the nederlander (it houses rent, but not for long)...took pics of the walls, and went from store to store looking for anywhere that sold an 8gig itouch...

well, throughout the whole day, sheets was acting like really close with me and stuff, to the point where rori was like stop flirting...when they leave i find a text on my phone saying im not ready for a relationship sorry i led you on (paraphrasing)...i was like huh, then i was like wow...i dont even wanna ask what hes figured out yet, either because hes gonna be like ive fgured out your a collosal bitch (i wouldnt be altoghether surprised..hurt, not surprised) or cuz hes gonna say ive figured out a grand total of nothing...i think its both actually...

i dont know whether to hang on to this a little longer or spare myself now...the thing is, everytime i make some progress...i lose it all...

rori said something about look at other ppl...i realized at the dance that i cant...i cant do it...one, scoping out guys was never me and whenever people do it, it makes me mad, people arent chunks of meat)...two...i cant look at anybody else when i like someone...especially as much as i do now...

at the same time...i dont wanna get led on...i may have been davaluing myself for a long time, but normally i draw the line at getting led on...its been done to me before i hate it...and when someone comes to me saying i led them on i have no idea what they're talking about because i never mean to do it...rori said something about me leading people on...thats why i say that...

anyhow...ill be okay hopefully...ill pull through alright...scarred, but alright...normally, i do...then again this hasnt been a normal case for me...

i am on a quest to stop thinking...maybe i need to turn my brain off...considering rori and sheets are forever insinuating that analytical peole dont have feelings...

honestly, i dont think im analytical anymore....i think im a mix now...im this oddmix of analyist and emotionalist, and there fighting to see which is dominant...the analytical side of me is probably the calm side of me that kicked in when rori and marina sat me down on my sixth month anniversary and told me everything...my emotinal side apparently just came back from tahiti...and its really been putting in overtime to make up for all of that time missed...and if i were a differnt kind of a person in a different kind of situation, id welcome this opprtunity to get in touch with my feelings...but being me, and dealing with this...i wanna ake sense of this, and my analytical side has been trying, but the emotional side knows how to mess up my logic and turn this into something ive neverdealt with before...

if a guy doesnt want me, i know how to let that go...why cant i now?

gonna go mess with my pioneering technology now

oh...and as for my brother, he comes in nine months, but not before doctors make sure we are all healthy...were talking full physical...bleck...byebye fluids...

Dance, Dance / Hate That I Love You

i got some news...I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!!!...my dad finally got his kid....his name is daniel alfredo and i am so going to show my friends his picture...

i read sheets' blog just now...i guess the details are here i guess...oh well...

i was just talking to my very wise freshman friend rebecca and she told me i should date outside my friend circle...because where has it gotten me...a bisexual ex boyfriend and a best friend that you yourself drove away...and all you want sometimes is for him to see you as the peson you are, and not compare you to the person you were...because your past really can change you...and im trying to get my old self back, and i think i may have her back, but its hard when u make all this progress, then you start hanging out with the guy again, and you backtrack to where you were before...i kinda enjoy the fact that he didnt mention my clinginess and kleptoness (which is really just grabbiness, klepto only has to do if u keep the stuff, but whatever) and the fact that i may have just driven him away with all of my freaking issues, and the fact that i was fighting with harris in the beginning, and in florida in the end...damn there really was no way to save it was there?...i may not be ready for a relationship either, cosidering this is taking such a toll on me...

im halfway between jumping for joy at the prospect of a sibling, and bursting into tears because of the crap ive walked into...

ive been talking to olsi, liza santana's (wonderful singer) boyfriend...and he was telling me that sheets would regret all of this...i honestly dont think so...if he didnt regret breaking up with me, i dont know if he wouldnt regret cutting all ties altogether...i remember him saying he would regret it if he let it go...i dont know though, personally, i think hes a lot better of a person than me, considering i didnt see him break once when the roles were switched...once, twice tops...meanwhile, if im not crying im visibly sad, so much so that my mother has taken notice...

i dont know how to get my analytical streak back...ive had my run in with emotions, and i dont like it...i cant pull off the happy mask...it breaks when i put it on...i can pull off totally numb, but not happy...and numb makes people watch, cuz numb has never been me...

i hate this....i hate the fact that this one thing has taken over my life...i hate that all of the progress i make goes to shit when i hang out with him, i hate the fact that my timing absolutely sucks, i hate that when i talk to people aboout this, i must sound pathetic...my timing really does suck, considering as hes all done and moving on, i get stuck on him worse than anything else...i hate the fact that none of my reasoning applies to this situation...that anything else ive talke myself out of...i cant do it this time..eitther its cuz ive gotten stupider or my brain has decided that this is a guy worth torturing myself over...he could be worth torturing myself over...he sorta did the same thing in a way...but theres kind of a difference...he wanted out, i dont...

i cant believe i just said that...i cant believe i just admitted that i kinda dont want to get over him cuz i like him...it would probably be better for me if i did get over him though...ill see what happens...if events take a turn for the worse and i feel like slitting my throat, ill try alot harder at getting over him...

the schools dance was yesterday...i learned how to dance like normal people do...praying to god nobody got pictures of that...i may have gotten a little carried away, considering i was hurting considerably and the fact that it got fun after awhile...

anyhoo...im going to go play some more mercury...more on my brother as it unfolds...

My Junk

hey...sry sheets i stole your title...but it works for my blog lol...

well, heres wats gone down lately...im going to write about what ive seen on other blogs...harris imma recap here sorry...

harris has been really into this guy alan...whos an ass to him but other than that honestly isnt too bad of a guy...hes pretty manipulative tho...and from what ive heard, a guy in clover likes him...i think his name is ronald...ive seen him...a rather tall dude with the classic "i like guys" voice...along with that new clover face is a guy named jake...he claims to be straight but everybody else thinks hes bi cuz he keeps going off with alan or something like that dont quote me on this...all i have to say on this is that harris is way too good for alan, and anybody would be totally lucky to have him, and id set him up if i felt like talking to anyone else besides my group friends and the select few outside of my closest friends...lol...

i admire rori...i think she has to be one of the strongest people i know, and im happy shes my friend..shes been working on mrs walker and doing a lovely job with it...i am painfully happy with what i got when it comes to casting...i get the best song in the show...its called pinball wizard...

steve has his own problems...not quite sure wha they are and how theyre panning out, but i know i dont have the right or the information to talk about this learnedly.

as for me, im trying to put the peices back together...nd trying to put the puzzle together, considering he said he doesnt know what hes gonna do...i have no problem waiting and stuff...i just wanna make sure im waiting for something and that im gonna get hurt waiting for it...we ended up having a big discussion about it, involving me crying a lot, both of us apologizing a lot, and him saying i dont know a lot...i dont know whats gonna happen...he did say he still likes me, just not as much...i just wanna know if im waiting for something to happen thats not going to happen...i like him tho...and i know i can wait around for awhile...because i do think hes worth the wait (and i dont mean just now)...but is the wait gonna pay off?

i dont know anymore...olsi was like i can set u up and he said that in front of him i was like no im okay like twice...then liza asked me and i aid thx, but no thx...i think i found a really good guy..hell, he prolly found me...

is it smart to wait around for a really good guy on the basis of a 60/40 chance?

i guess ill find out...

this is whats been hapening in my life so far...

Kryptonite

This is a bit surreal...updating my blog from a cell phone...steves to be exact...

Sheets did in fact say no...honestly I can't blame him...lol...I'm okay with it, cuz were friends and he said when he's ready, its an option....the question is...how long should I wait?

I really do like him, that much I know...but rori said something like a 60/40 ratio...do I stick it out for a ratio that doesn't favor me as much as it does? Ill never know I guess...I wanna stick it out...but I don't know if what I want to do is what's gonna kill me...

I'm walking with harris,steve, and the object of harris's affections...who's rather mean to him...whatever...

I don't know what I'm gonna do about this...the best I can do now is wait it out for now and see what happens...and try to fix all my flaws so I don't screw up later

Whixh brings me to my big question...

Can people really, honestly change without any trace of the unwanted quality?

Its snowing outside so ill post this and come back to it later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hey...my hair literally got frozen outside..and now im cold and sick and achy...snow is worth it tho i guess...

so yea...do you think people can really change? i asked harris, rori, steve, and sheets, in no particular order..here is what they said...dont quote me im going on memory

harris said a person can change, as long as they try really really hard and have the willpower to change for the better, you can...rori said you are who you are, and not much will change that...steve said flat out no, and in my case its worse in a way, cuz its so ingrained and its a part of me...i asked sheets flat out can people change, he said yes...then he said he didnt mean it as a shot at me....if anything thats quite encourgaging...the person ur trying to show that u can change says that people are capable of changing...i dont want to ask how that would be a shot at me...im afraid im just gonna get my feelings hurt...and i do have to be a lot stronger than i have been in order to get myself thru this...to get myself thru the self taught therapy im throwing on myself, specifically for my own improvement...this is more for me than for him though...this is something i have to do, and whatever happens with him happens...but if it does happen, i wann be a better person...not jut for him, but for me too...

anyhoo...on to lighter matters...

i may never have a math class again...all hail mr qualls...

mr green is a very wise man...

liza santana thinks my eyes are burgundy...and i love the song pinball wizard...

thats it for now...byers

Wake Up Call

sheets said he had an answer...i get to either bevery happy or ery sad tomorrow...imma prepare for the worst...thaat prolly whats gonna happen anyway...i have a knack for that i guess....

the thing is either way im still gonna like him a lot...and itll suck that a guy i really really like wont give me another chance or anything...i hate this...not knowing...and i didnt wanna rush him, but sort of confiding in harris and his yelling doesnt help

i never meant to make him feel bad...if anything all i want is to encourage him and crap...i just end p saying the wrong thing all the time...i want him to give me another chance...but i guessi just have to realize that that may not happen...i have to make my peace with that, or im gonna end up shooting myself...i really do ike him though...and itl hurt if it doesnt wrk out but as log as hes happy, it may not be so bad for me...

i do have to be single for now tho...

the tihng is...i actually get nervous around him sometimes...even jealous a bit...not too much tho...

im afraid of what im gonna hear tomorrow...im afraid im gonna get hurt...cuz i stuck it out this long...and i screwed it up ith him, and i dont wanna screw it up again...i really like him, and i wanna get it right...

that is, if i get the chance...i dont think i will tho...and the sick thing is that i tried to become the person i was...the person he liked before i got screwed up by the guys before him...idk what im gonna hear tomorow, but i hope he gives me another chance...

hopefully ill get one...but considering ive hurt him so much, i dont deserve it...i prolly dont deserve a guy like sheets...i guess caring, sweet guys are out of my league now...

oh well...at least ive learned my lesson...never let a good guy slip through, cuz ull regret it eventually...

thats it for now...expect a big blog tomorrow...bye...

I Don't Wanna Be In Love

the thing with sheets is over...long story short...he got over me just as i fell for him harder than i ever thought i could...and now im screwed...cuz i like a guy who not only most likely doesnt like me back, but actually gave it a shot with me, and found that i was absolutely horrible to deal with...

the sick thing is that i really like him...and when i dropped the three word bomb i meant it...and i still do...

i remember asking him if it was a breakup or just a break...he said he didnt know...apparently im this other person when im in a relationship...an im clingy and just this really shallow person it looks like...if i had been told this from the freaking getgo, i woulda benn like okay, and i woulda tried to fix it...

at least now i know karmas really paid me back this time...in a really ironic way too...the guy (a pretty damn good all around guy too) who liked me for how long now realizes that hes over me just as im falling for him pretty damn hard...ill be okay eventually...i dont want him thinking i hate him, because i dont...quite the opposite...im not gonna lie and say that i dont want us to get another shot, because i do...

he did say he wasnt reay for a relationship tho, and maybe im not either...getting oer harris was only part of the deal, i just have to make sure that i dont make the same mistakes twice...obviously i did, and now im really paying for it...the minute i finally pick a good guy...i when he realizes that most likely, im not good enough for him, that he could do better...which ironically, is what i told him...damn...im getting emotionally pummeled by my own advice...

im too depressed to write now...ill update later...i just wanted to let the world know that my life has been turned upside down yet again...and it wont ever be the same at least not for a long time...

byebye

p.s. - happy birthday to me...

Home

were coming home tomorrow....lots of people are coming home now...me and rori from florida, marcus is coming back...techicaly harris's biness is his coming home from the closet...btw harris i want royalties for u using my saying lol jk

last hour of internet winding down....bleck...we gotta go to universal soon then we gotta clean...the black dye got everywhere lol...bleck...

downloading music...sang karaoke...i wanna do that song for spring concert now, if as long as your mine with sheets ends up not panning out...malanie got to sing at the concert, i want to too...she better let me...

thats it for now...bye

Fallin' / Simply Being Loved

i feel a giant rant coming on...people taking advantage of other people is so totalyl wrong...i have a new person to kill on the top ofmy list, and i cant wait to get back from florida to do it...i dont care about the reprocussions right now, he did a terrible thing to a person im close to, and even though my friend wanted it, the guy still did a terrible thing...i really dont like this dude whos at the top of my to kill list...hes done a really bad thing...and the person whos been wronged here doesnt seem to care...i ont know why im angrier about this than that person is...

my floridian getaway is winding down...i cant wait to see sheets when i get back...the day before my birthday! or maybe on my birthday...i just hope the world likes exactly wats been done to me down here...my sister kinda went bananas on ym hair...and it looks really cool, but my mom hates it...which adds a tiny bit to its coolness lol...roris seen it, she likes it, although she did say it was too short...it sucks cuz i was groeing out my hair too, and now i gotta start all over again...bleck...anyhoo...

my nephew loves me and rori toomuch, he barges into our hotel room and says can i stay here, meanwhile, he never listens to us...an m neice cries ALL the time when my sister isnt here and she cried so long and so loud, that i laughed so hard until i cried...

speaking of crying, m grades suck this year, i dont want to talk about it

now rori is arguing with me about the validity of my rant, she says shes disapointed, because its too short...and i choose to rant calmly...while watching roseanne...whatever

oh, viewers of this blog...whos he better disney princess, cinderella, or any other princess...oh, and is tinkerbell a princess?

i cant wait to see sheets on saturday...things have been going really well with that, and im like realy happy...plus, me and harris are okay...things are finally looking up for me, and now that im not worrying about fighting, i can actually discuss life and everything else besides the complications dating brings you...i hate that...i really like sheets tho...plus i dropped the three word bomb...and i think i really do mean it...the thing is, i wanna look to the future now, cuz im actually happy without strings attached to other feelings, but harris told me it would be forever, and i believed him...i dont wanna get hrt again...i dont wanna hurt him...at the same time i wanna go further with it...idk what to do...im torn between what i want to do and what i should do...u know what, ill leave this to him...

im all over the place now, but for this guy, ill take it over anything else...cuz i think hes worth it...not that any other guy wasnt worth it...lol u guys get me...

now rori needs the computer...ill get back to this later....

c ya l8r...oh yea 8s are hard my 8 key is broken its just this big squshy thing making the 8s go...lol

bye for now

Who Knew / Kiss Me / Start Of Something New

well, things went to hell with harris again...things are fine now, i hope...i want things to be back to normal, but if it doesnt happen ill have to make my peace with it...hopefully we can remain friends, considering he keeps saying ginie and taskovas daughter are his best friends, even though i think ive been a good friend to him...he keeps telling me that sheets got the boring girl...even if hes joking it still bothers me, cuz being borings a realy big issue for me...he said i left the stench of monogamy in his mouth...bleck...oh yea...he also said i turned him bi...yes, my ex boyfriend, the one who i loved for nine months is bi...im okay with it, as long as he doesnt become very mean and diva like to me, ill be okay with it...hes trying for ginie again...honestly a tiny part of me is a bit iffy about it but for the most part ill be okay with it as long as he doesnt do the bad things he did with me with her...if he does that ill have to kick some ass lol

as for myself, other than the harris issues, which are beginning to disappear as life goes on, ive been doing pretty well...the sheets thing is progressing nicely lol...i dont remember the last time i was this content...my last few experiences with guys havent been the best...im actually happy...i like the feeling of happy...i think its nice...the thing is before i sorta knew i was loved, but it wasnt altogether tangible to me...i always felt invisible and stuff...its been a while since ive really felt the love...i actually said i love you...and meant it...i dont wanna throw myself into anything too fast, but its really hard not to...i feel a lot more safe, emotionally at least...cuz im not looking for the worst anymore...its easier for me now...now that i have nothing to atone for...i just have to kill the itty bitty demons left...i dont wanna leave the stench of monogamy in sheets's mouth...if hes likeed me for this long...i owe him that time...cuz i dont think i deserve such a decent guy, not after what ive put him thru...i guess i lucked out...and idk aout him, but everytme somebody talks about him, or im talking to him, either i start smiling inwardly, or i break out in this huge ass smile...the beginning is realy new to me, and i dont wanna screw anything up...i want to get this right this time around...now that i have a guy who knows pretty much all there is to know about me, and actually listens to me when i get mad...or sad, or happy or anything else...i trust him...i dont wanna go too fast but i like where we are now...oh yeah...he kissed me...single best kiss of my entire life, hands down...no exaggerating either...i may have virtually no experience with this, but i think so anyway...

my life finally seems to be coming together...a lot of what ive been worrying about over the last stretch of time seems to be resolving itself...im a little insecure about a few things, but i think i can handle it...

things are finally getting simpler...no more worrying about if the one i really care about is gonna get with my favorite cousin...mo more screaming matches about little things...no more pressure to go further than i want to, followed by either being called easy or boring...i wanna fix that tho, i hate being called both of those things...

onward, to other things...

im in florida with rori...having a blast...missing sheets like crazy, and rori misses steve...weve been talking about whats been respectively happening to us...her getting over steve, me and sheets (plus shes helping me persuade myself that what happened wasnt my fault, and i wont screw things up)...

we went on tower of terror, the aerosmith rollercoaster, mission space, this weird thing called the universe of energy (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it lol)...also this musical rendition of finding nemo (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it) space mountain, various magic kingdom rides...lol

i have also discovered i have a compulsive need to buy the official shirt of random things...it all started with my gollum shirt, then my jars of clay shirt, then my third day shirt, then my musical shirts (le miz, rent, POTO, wicked, and spring awakening) then my shirts from rides from disney (POTC, mission space, tower of terror)plus various other shirts...i need therapy...my name is eruaphadriel, and i am a compulsive shirt buyer...LMAO...

anyhoo...today i saw my nephew for the first time in forever, and my neice for the first time ever...they are absolutely adorable they were sad when they had to go to sleep cuz they love me so much...i miss sheets tho...lol...see i cant think of him without smiling inwardly lol... :-)

kk well imma gonna go now...immma go talk to rori...who says hello...

toodles

See You Again

well...the thing with harris got fixed...i read his blog, but still everything is freaking fixed and thats freaking awesome...turns out it was this huge misunderstanding...i thought i had been given absolute truth, turns out i hadnt, and the people i have been trusting are the same people who would sell me out...and harris gave me the proof of that...i still have to see the rest of it, but the essential words are there...well after i showed him what i was told, and he told me what was actually going on (actually, i would have been completely blind to it had he not told me, and now that i know, believe it or not, i do feel better)

to respond to harris's blog, even though its been fixed, i kinda wanna say that it wasnt like i didnt have something to go on, and i thought i was being told the truth...the fact that i wasnt being told the truth was unknown to me, and i never would have said what i said had i been told the complete honest truth...

well, in the ensuing explosion of screaming right before the winter festival, we both said we wasted our i love you's...i wonder if he meant it was a mistake...cuz i said it cuz i was seriously pissed off, and that was what he said...i wonder if he thinks the last nine months was a mistake...that i wasnt worth all of this...i wouldnt blame him, but that would kill me...

and it would kinda screw me up for future relationships...cuz ill always be worried thatmaybe they think im this big drama filled waste of time...i dont like drama as much as the nezt person...its fun to watch, not fun to be in....but it hurts when people you care about think that you want drama, that you live for it....when honestly i dont...

i dont wanna say it follows me either...maybe drama always knows what im going to do...maybe its my very personality...maybe i need a personality transplant...or a drama protection program...heh

on a lighter note...i fixed my limewire...hello listening to sheets's songs without stealing his ipod...sorry about that sheets...just know that those days are nearly over...

this is prolly how you know you like another person...you cant not smile around them, no matter whats on your mind...even if its something small, they just put this smile on your face...

hopefully my own skeletons and ddemons dont get in the way of this way...hopefully i dont screw this up...maybe i wont...hopefully ive learned something from all of this...in more ways than one...

i cant wait till tomorrow...collosal smiles await...

Will I Lose My Dignity?

thats my big question...is my relentless search for harris's forgiveness demeaning me as a person? is the very thing im searching for killing me in the process? well, i do know its killing me...i havent cried over him breaking up with me except right after...then i cry after school...i thought i was okay with this...i figured id be fine...damn my delayed reactions...i dont know what it is...its just that when i hear something bad, or something thats supposed to be bad...i let it go to my brain first, and let it ferment there for awhile...i can only imagine, had i let the its over from harris ffect me right away, i would have killed myself...then something triggers it, whether it be information that changes everything, inclding why i was okay with it in the first place...or if its just me thinking so much about it...the paranoia setting in...the logic setting in...yea, despite me being generally disheveled and crazy, im pretty logical...i tend to analyze a lot...id never analyze love (aka STEVE lol), but it kinda helps me...well, anyhow...i just keptthinking about it and thinking and thinking and the only thing that made sense wasnt actually ttrue, yet the truth makes very little sense...i find that rather odd..well anyhow, according to rori, ivve been deleted from harris's myspace...i dont think you delete a person unless you are rather sure that you will never see or speak to them again...

i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...

im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...

th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...

what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...

i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...

i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...

today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)

the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...

the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...

the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...

perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...

well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...

well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...

bye

Demons / Paranoia

okay...it appears ive made a tactical error here...apparently, harris really did care...now he hates me because i wrote the last blog...while blinded with anger...he thinks i really meant all of that...i didnt...had it all been true, i woulda gotten POed...

maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...

maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...

well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...

am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....

ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...

i dont wanna lose everyone...

now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...

at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...

im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...

im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...

I Hate Everything About You / Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

harris is a dirty little liar...he didnt break up with me cuz we fought too much...communication hindrance my ass...he broke up with me, not only cuz he wanted his singleness back (yea finding that out from my mom wasnt a walk in the park for me), but because he wanted ginie back...he likes her, always did...he used me, then dropped me for my fifteen year old cousin...then set me up with sheets to make himself feel better...granted the set up with sheets part is the only part im thankful for...but the rest of it sucks...

ginie told me today...yesterday he told me he always liked her...and she told me today that he was trying to get with her even before he broke up with me...and the fat that she didnt tell me sooner hurts, but not too much i guess...i wonder how long hes been trying to get with my fifteen year old cousin...i thought id be okay with it, bu im not...im alright with them going out, im not alright with the fact that my little cousin would then be going out with the biggest liar ever...hes a dirty little liar and it hurts that a guy who took my first kiss from me, is lying to me all because he wants a younger, prettier girl...everything that was wrong about us all goes back to the simple fact that he wanted her, liked her, perhaps loved her...and all he got was me...

they deserve each other...i dont blame her, its not her fault that to harris, shes better than me...ive lived a lie for nine months and i hate mself cuz i saw this coming but couldnt quite put my finger on it..now i know...the upside is, i now know, not only that im not crazy, but that i can prolly spot an asshole from a mile off...

god bless them both...and good riddance...

the sad thing was i really did love him...i put everything into this...readers of past blogs would know that...and this is how he repays me...by not even sparing me a passsing glance while he guiltlessly takes on my cousin...i hate that...all the times he said hed never look at her that way....and then he told everyone what we did...that was something i didnt want everyone to know...now the world knows...

i dont want to, but im crying over this...i hate him...more than anything...i let him hurt me, i let him do this to me...i let him delude me by listening to him say that he loved me...i let him do this to me...he made it so i have nothing left to give...

any love that i could have possibly felt, that wasnt entirely extingushed by the fact that it prolly wouldnt have worked out anyway...is entirely replaced by the most crushing hatred i could eveer feel for anyone who said that they loved me...now i know never to take the words of any guy and put a positive spin to them...never to believe the words and lies of any guy and believe that this one will be different...never to take the promises and believe that he would ever keep them in this lifetime...god knows...i gave this bastard everything, and i have nothing to show for it except huge blowups, some lies and more tears than i can count...

at least i know my karma finally came...its a relief actually, to know that ive gotten paid back...i can feel the hurt too...

so thank you, joseph harris, for giving me what i deserve...

crushcrushcrush

i named my blog this for many different reasons...one...i love this song and can listen to it multiple times without getting tired...two....it kinda applies to me...im not disclosing the name...but everybodys been ragging on me for it, even harris, who just broke up with me...hell, hes encouraging it...anyhow...im all sorts of confused right now...oh well...who knew the beginning was so hard? at least with harris it was easy...hes like my best friend and stuff...then when i started going out with him this guy was...just...all sorts of there...and i kinda like him now...even though im pretty late with this...and everybody kinda knows it...

its weird...i cant keep the smile off my face anymore...ud think i wouldnt be smiling, considering that harris kinda ended it quite abruptly...the scary thing is that its fine with me...

i dont wanna say im not hurt over what happened, i kinda am, but its okay...i was the reciever of the breakup, theres nothing i can do about it, if he didnt want to be with me, then its oky, cuz if i love im, id want him to be happy, and if hes happy then it ending isnt the problem...at the same time, i wanna be happy too, and now i am...i just dont wanna screw it up...

well, whatever happens, happens...

It's All Over / What's Left Of Me

its over...actually over...me and harris no longer go out...before the audience of AWWWWWWWWs come in, its okay...im okay...im fine...more than fine actually...im feeling pretty good about the whole thing...okay heres where it all starts...

well, this morning, i come into school, all happyand stuff...i say hi to rori and he most dejected harris ive ever seen...i kid around like i normally do, but not even that pisses him off enough to get him to stop freaking me out...then i sit down next to him, and he just says we need to talk...im already freaking out, i know something bad is coming...im like are you dying...he says no...im like am i in trouble, he says no, we both are...that bothered me to no end...he just kept repeating we fight way too much...eventually it clicks...hes breaking up with me...initially...i freak out...like a lot...hysterical crying...im not too proud of the way i reacted...oh well that isnt important...anyhoo...eventh period rolls around...ive cried for six periods straight...i skipped math cuz i couldnt take it...well, seventh, me and harris are totally avoiding each other...in a flurry of notes delivered by sheetts and himself, i got to say what i had to sa, and ear his side too...the period ends...we talk in person...we settle it all...no sooner are we in wendys when harris starts pushing for me and sheets...honestly...i gave that a lot of thought...id actually like that...i need a bit of time first...i dont wanna rush anything..but i wouldnt mind that one bit...not one itty bitty bit...hes a really nice guy....but to be honest, i dont wanna do to him what i did to jimmy...i dont wanna screw it up like i did with harris...ive already screwed up too much...i dont wanna screw things up anymore...

im so being way more careful with everything...when i let my guard down, was when it ended...i dont wanna be a person who my best friend breaks up with...at the same time i wanna be able to get past all of this...and i think i am...im actually okay...

u know that song from wicked, thank goodness "i couldnt be happier"...well, im couldnt be sadder either...which is okay i guess...well, maybe its all for the best...

on lighter notes...me and rori got this french solo...im the mezzo...yay

bye guys...from single eruaphadriel

Stories

i have no real idea why, but i just came up with the weirdest idea...to help get over charlie being dead, and to work out some of the kinks in my writing...a fanfiction, but not just any fanfiction...a CROSSOVER fanfiction...i always said id never write one of those, but i think itll help...i have this idea...the lost characters meet the RENT characters in this humorous therapy session where everybody yells at each other...its the addicts versus the sober people...if i can work in LotR or another musical itll be cool 2...hitchhikers and PotC would be pushing it...ill tell sheets about this when i see him...im pretty sure he would wanna help me with it...

if anything, if i get too many ideas, ill start another blog or something...

thatll be fun...

anyhoo...i feel like writing...i have no idea why...im suffering from writers block on the book me and sheets are working on, and either way, i dont have the thing on me...any and all original plot concepts coming from me are crap...either absolute crap or a shameless rip off of something else...and i wouldnt wanna write a shameless rip off...lol

i wish i could put my ideas down somewhere safe, at least the literary ones...like ive had a bunch of ideas for the book, but i forget them...plus, its the future of the book...i cant come p with a decent chpter seven...sheets has the book maybe i can read what he has, and i have been so looking forward to that chapter...

i can do a decent character design if anything...i should go do that...

illl edit this post later...byers...its 4 in the morning ud figure id be sleeping.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

hey guys...never actually said merry christmas to you all...merry christmas...

currently at ginies house, watching the funniest commercial thing they have on tivo...the funniest one is this squirrel farting thing from the united kingdom advertising icy gum...i thought the kevin federline thing where he was watching himselfrap while working at a fast food joint was the funniest..that and the beer commercial in which they pick up axe murderers and chainsaw people because they have beer...

now we are all trying to help create a baby that could win the baby new year tounament on the wii...the baby came out pretty nicely...

ginie, without meaning to, picked a fight with sheets...he was trying to help with the wii, and ginie was a bit less receptive to the help than she shouldve been i guess...

anyhoo...now im watching them shop for wii things on the wii...they bought the photo channel...i might get ginie wii points for her birthday lol...that way she can get cool old games and stuff...i should get sheets that too...ill find out when sammys birthday is and get it for them...

i want a wii too...if only i had time to play one...if only my family didnt think i was too old for video games...they have no problem with the guys in their late twenties playing them, but when it comes to teenage girls, then no its taboo...double standards anyone...anyhoo...

i really want a psp...really really badly...it may be prehistoric in comparison to other gaming systems, but i love them, and i dont know where mine is, and i could just get one of those, i be really happy, and i wouldnt need another gaming system...i hate consoles anyway, i like things that i can hold in my hand and take with me, ala the psp and the ds...he wii and the ps2 and the xbox arent so bad either, but u cant walk around with those inconspicously...

idk what im doing for new years...i wanna hang out with my friends, but something tells me i wont be able to..

hang on

justplayed wii bowling...143...coolness...

kk bye

You All Everybody

i am so sad

first, let me start with my christmas, which is connected to why i am sad...its not that bad, nobodys dying...(bursts into tears)

charlie on lost is dead...the title of this blog is the song that his band sings...

"you all everybody, you all everybody
acting like there stupid people wearing expensive clothes"

thats the only lyric they play...but whtever its still very very sad to me...

he drowns saving everybody...he clears up a transmission jam, which involves him getting drownded...they said theyd never kill him off...the spoiler people and the writers lied to me...they killed off my favorite hobbit...my LOTR loyalty has sprung up again...i so wish i had the time to be totally loyal as i was before...stupd apps...which should be getting done today...

well, turns out the rescuers arent who they say they are, and they never would of had proof of that had charlie not written on his hand with a sharpie marker to get the message out to desmond...he didnt need to die...allhe needed to do was close the door on the other side...and he woulda been fine...they woulda made it ...but stupid desmond telling him he was gonna die for like half the season, of course hed sacrifice himself...now claires gonna be all sad when she finds out...

idk why they cut him...perhaps they thought theyd developed him enough...maybe his death will lead to claire being developed more...that would be good...im still sad tho...he was a rockstar...albiet a drug addicted one...but whatever...

the sad thing is...im sad, and no one cares...just cuz lost is a bit hard to follow, nobody really watches it, and nobody cares when im nearly in tears from grief...even if it is a very dumb thing to cry over...hey, u guys cried over rent, i deserve to grieve as well...if u guys wanted to grienve over a character uve followed since u started high school dies...idso be there for ya...

oh well...i have checked online...none on why charlie died...maybe a new job or something, but im sure hes dead as a doornail, and its a bit essential to the plot...as he essentially paved the way for these people called freighters (they were on a frieghter boat) who are giving them rescue...some are leaving and some are staying...as far as the world knows, kate and jack leave, but jack kinda spirals down into oblivion and vicodin addiction...doctor on vicodin...like we havent heard that before...lol...i think hurley is leaving too, and if sun and jin dont leave ill be mad, considering sun is pregnant...

well, considering my friends dont care about this show...imma stop talking about it...it would take days to explain anyway...oh well...

RIP Charlie

byers

One Song Glory

hey...play season is just around the corner...the hapiest time of the year for me is being wrecked by my chorus teacher, a sophomore, and some very disloyal auditioners,not to mention the man pixking west side story

apparently, harris, rori, and I are unworthy of the parts we want because of our specific idiosyncracies, and the fact that she wants her sophomore, her lackey...to get maria...leaving some perfectly deserving senios out in the cold.

according to ms taskova...harris cant get tony because hes too short for the part (meanwhile hes taller than me, so if i get maria, the part i want, thats not an issue, but knowing my luck...)...my theory is that her pick for maria, liza rivera, happens to be taller than he is...and taskova wont have the untraditional look of a girl taller than a guy...

im not sure why i couldnt get it..im puerto rican, i look ethnic...maybe liza the sophomore simply got there first...whe i asked taskova about casting, and she asked me what i was trying out for...i said maria (prolly with a little more sttitude than i meant to...i really was playing nicely...)...she immeadiately directed me to the next part, anita...which still isnt bad, but annelis is angling for it...she was in pippin two years ago...she already graduated...which isnt right give us a chance...

rori's little review was the worst...which surprised me, taskovas always liked her better. she told taskova she wanted maria, like i did (im so not getting it)...the range is perfect for her, and taskova made a note to tell her this....but then she made it clear to her that rori's extraction will prevent her from getting the part she can do (and actually deserves)...in short? rori's too white to play a just off the plane puerto rican complete with accent (she can do it, too, her brit is pretty good, i can imagine her spanish accent is up to par too)...we were LIVID...

needless to say...we arent too happy...i asked about sheets todaqy too...she didnt say anything at all..not ure what that means...but sheets, ur like the best actor i know, and if you think anything different, u really shouldnt.

rori consulted annelis...annelis agreed...if i were closer to her, id yell at her so much it isnt funny...i know rori and them all are close to her and im kinda not, but DAMN...

well, considering the origin of how west side story is being done in the first place...it was picked as a way todraw in hispanics....please...im hispanic and i hae this show...ive asked other hispanics and they hate this show...

anyhoo...thats it...oh and me and sheets are writing again...we got another book and were planning before we write...

bye

this is our last chance to show what we got....i hope we get to keep it...

Complicated

entering day two of the big giant fight....my e still isnt working too well...still depressed...can probably predict correctly that he either isnt depressed or that he simply doesnt giv a crap what i think about anything....

i wonder what id tell somebody in this situation...judging by my very pessimistic outlook on relationships,id prolly tell hr to maybe to let him go, cuz h doesnt rspecct whatyou say, and no matter what anybody tells you, you feel that way for a reason, and that reason should be respected...

woul i heed my own advice?

on the one hand, he doesnt seem to see that my opinion means something to me, that my stubbornness tends to have a method to it, that it makes sense to me...he didnt wanna see me on my anniversary, because he fears drama...ironically, hes in the drama club...thats rich....lol...on top of that, he confirmed everything i thought about myself during that weird physicality stage...that i was boring and despite everything he told me, i was horrible at everything, which was all his idea to begin with...does that make sense to me?

(now my e is fixed, but my d isnt doing too well)

on the other hand...i love him...thats all i can really say about it...and never before have i doubted the reciprocation more than i have right now...

i practically cried myself to sleep yesterday...is that sad? do i make what he says more important than it should be? if thats true, then why do i care so much? why does what he says hurt me so much?

u know, rori and sheets realized it was coming...but they didnt wanna tell me cuz they figured i was actually having fun on my anniversary...then when tht horrible comment came out...an i started reasoning with sheets, he told me (according to him, harris doesnt trust him anymore...sry sheets)

then we got to sheets house...where steve got there...steves a freaking instigator but hes coolness...

then my dad came to pick me up, an harris barely said goodbye to me (come to think ofit that makes sense,considering he didnt wanna see me in the first place...)

im an idiot...a long suffering idiot...but why couldnt he tell me he didnt wanna see me? i was gonna go driving yesterday...why the hell wouldnt he just tell me that? i woulda been sad, but not nearly this bad...cuz i was gonna go behind a wheel...and drive on the sidewalk again...

hes made an art of making me cry my eyes out...

the questiion is how much can i take of being pulled in, then pushed away...how much more am i willing to endure to be with a guy i love...

well if he breaks up with me, he better do it in person...all i have to say on that...

does love negate mistreatment?

not that he hits me or anything lol...its just torture, the things he says sometimes...why is it always my fault?

i know im not getting answers to these questions...

its freakin pointless isnt it?

oh well

Hurt / Break Down!

hey...happy nine month anniversary to me! (btw my e isnt working too well today bear with my typing...

well, it wasnt such a happy anniversary com to think of it...considering the guy i love didnt wanna see me today, and all the crap we did over the summer...believe me you dont wanna know...i was apparently horrible at it...all of it...he wasnt too specific on that point but i do believe he meant absolutly awful...and that hurt to no degree...

the horrible thing he took right to my face...th not wanting to see me thiing cam from sheets...damn hes been the best friend ever lately...well anyhow...since i found out harris hasnt spoken to me since...which hurts more...the waiting for a responce to all of this...

idk what to do anymore...i love harris with most everything i have...but i dont think its enough anymore...

how much do you give before you break?

how much can i tak before he hurts me to a point when i might not b able to forgive him for it?

and most importantly

how much does he hate and blame me?

I Need You To Love Me / Tourniquet

you know, the one thing that hits my heart in a good way that, oh idk, actually works (at least with my boyfriend, no other guy better do this...) is a better than decent kiss...im realizing this more and more...im coming to terms with the fact that maybe i need lots and lots of hugs and crap...

oh and sorry for taking so long, college applications are driving me crazy...i applied to cuny honors and the kings college, now i need suny purchase, harvard, wellesley, nyu tisch, adelphi, and st. lawrence...

just read sheets' blog...after a very long talk with him, i am really starting to worry about him...he puts on this smile, but he never seems happy...not even rent does it anymore...he just seems really down...and hes worrying me a lot...he finally told me whats been bothering him...and i wont disclose it here, thats his business...but seriously...i really want him to be happy, and right now, he seems like hes anything but...i hope he gets better soon, and that he would be able to smle without it having anything to do with the ever breaking mask...

me nd harris had our first fight in a while today...its over now, refuse to rehash...

i miss how me and harris were before...the way we used to be...i was way more naive, and he was a bit more..i wont go there...but it was nice...now schools started, and were both busy i guess...and its worrisome when you spend more time with ur boyfriend, but not talking to him than you do actually talking to him...its nearly frightening...i just want it the way it used to be...

well, maybe life cant be as it was...maybe, just maybe, i gotta let go of this crap, deal wiht the fact that we all grow up and drift and stuff...i guess sometimes i kinda wanna go back to the way things were...i hope, but it prolly wont happen...so im just going to let this one go...

i hope sheets is okay...

bye everyone

Why Can't We Be Friends? / Under Pressure

heyhey...this is my last fun thing before i subject myself to torture by college application......

update on jimmy situation...he isnt talking to me anymore...which is fine by me, let him do what he wants, but he made sheets tell me about what was going on...he was ignorng me all that first day and refused to acknowledge me...to me that was a bit childish, but whatever, ive done him worse...to be honest i expected a lot better from him...but cometo think of it, the guy ripped out harris's name from a cheesecake cabaret advertisement....when i saw that i was like WOW...the only time he acknowledged my existance was to pry the paper out of my hands...i have done him much worse...so ill take whatever he has to throw at me...lord knows this was very long overdue...so if jimmy does read this...i say bring it on...i just wish things could be the same again...before everything happened...

rori got the phantom of the opera solo. im happy for her, no doubt, but im actually quite crushed... really wanted that solo,but i figure its cuz she likes rori and harris better...you should have seen their reccomedations from her...she loves them...mine was okay, but sternlieb needs more from me...thats how mediocre i looked...i hate being the mediocre one...especially when i try...i talked to rori a bit about this today, apparenty all she wanted was one little part in the song...i got meg...this tiny itty bitty solo...i know its sort of an honor, considering thats the only girl solo left, but...im still kinda mad...i was actively angling for that one...then when harris finds out, hes all like im sorry...and he took me not talking at all to mean i was taking out my anger on poor undeserving old him...then when i confided in steve, he told rori and i think she was crying...he was all guilttripping her...whihc made me mad, come to think of it, hes guiting her for doing something that not only is she good at, but something he makes her do. regularly...i waslike damn...im still a bit bummed about the solo, but ill get over it...i got over the italian one last year that liza got...it helped that i did that solo more than she did...heh...thats not gonna happen with this one...the thing was that she knew i wanted this solo, everyone did...whatever...according to harris, theyll be other ones...that shell give to other people...heh...shell give them to people like rori and either liza and sophie...good people...which i dont fit into because i dont rift well, and im not the bionic voice (sorry rori, but u d go insanely high and i didnt have an expression) and im not this wonderful person who works well with her prodigy, her pride and joy, carlton...pooh...liza wont work with anybody else lol...thats really diva of her...

harris might do a song with me...it was the song nobody wanted and i was lucky enough to get before the powers that be scrapped it altogether...i actually liked it, so it wasnt too bad...i just feel like im being judged simply because i was on the team when i was supposed to be singing or something...lol...i know it seems farfetched, but whatever...i just dont want to be mediocre anymore...im sick of it...

paybarah looked over my common application essay...she said it was really good, and only did minor things to it...i was thinking shed overhaul the thing, but nope, she liked it...i was like wow...coolness...anyhow...

im installing a new version of aim...

im done with this blog...

oh and me and sheets are no longer writing the book...we were fighting like hell over it...hes proposing a rewrite, but we gotta agree on things first before it goes into the book...and i cant do funnystuff...that was what started the fight which led to sheets ripping up the book and wasting paper...

sometimes i think im a horrible person...i wish somebody could tell me different and id actually believe it...

bye

Totally F****** / Maybe / Bowling Ball

okay...in the middle of the most harrowing text message fight of my life...harris might actually end it...i say might cuz i dont actually know...but it is quite likely...

not that i dont deserve it...believe me i do...it all started thursday and friday, when jimmy and sheets told me that in order to get over liking me, they would have to remove me from their lives, ensurins that theyy would never see me again...i was freaking devastated...more than i should have been maybe...jimmy on thursday, sheets the next day...all i was thinking was that sheets would say the same thing...and look at that...

AND...when sheets told me, i was like...i bet harris is next...i bet hes gonna snap out of it and be like, christine, its over, good riddance...hope ull die young and painfully...and well WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE...

well, that doesnt explain everything...well me and rori went to church...im a freaking mess...i walked around all day wiht a hood over my head with this dead expression on my face... well eternal ink is over...and me and rori are about to go to get pizza when we run onto david...jimmy and marcus' david...the guy who nobody really trusted...especially harris and jimmy...now that i think about it...im kind of a moron...

well anyhow, david listens to me bitch for awhile...and lo and behold, hes all understanding...he kinda gives me insight into jimmys condition about this...insults sheets a little bit which pissed me the hell off to no end...and i dont know...he was just really really nice to me...he would hug us all when we got cold and things like that...

well after church, david walks me, rori, and vanessa to my moms car like tem blocks away...and he sort of takes my hand...which was reatrded why i didnt stop it but i didnt...

rori lectures me for it...i was like okay...

well word got to harris, and he go seriously pissed off...i dont blame him acutally...this is a time where its actually my fault...

and all i could think of is that i knew hed be next to leave...i just knew...

and im so scared right now cuz i think he might actually do it...i dont know what id do...honestly, i cant even foresee how lifes gonna be without him...i love him so much i dont think i can understand it...

(side note-harris, heres the link : https://portal.cuny.edu/cms/id/cuny/documents/informationpage/006373.htm )

he needed the link i guess i told him id send it...plus its there for everybody else...

i am freaking out over here...i dont know what hes gonna do...if he broke up eiht me, it would break my heart in two, but id understand...

i dont know wat to do...and the ones id normally go to at a time like this have flatleft...dear lord...

i knew it was coming...at least im prepared...

~ ~ ~ ~

side note...david gave rori some advice too...about her situation wiht steve...he called her "intellectually challenged"... im so pissed at him for that...

she doesnt need that...and rori if u say one more thing about an artistic nose that is straight, yet curvy, i will kill you...i have the motivation now...

expect an update very soon...i wanna let u know about this as soon as i can...that way i can tell someone...establish it somewhere...

im trying to steel myself for the inevitable...that way itll hurt less...i bet no preparationcan ease this...

hes the first guy ive ever really loved...i gave a lot to him...losing him...i dont even wanna think about it, itll hurt too much...

oh yea...happy 20th post...

signing off now...gonna go beat the crap out of interactive buddy..some how that always helps...tho idk about this...trying not to cry...

miserably yours

eruaphadriel

Untitled

heyhey....writing this blog standing up in the middle of the st lawrence bookstore...its tons of fun...i M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GIANT GOOGLE SEARHING FIGHT WITH RORI AND STEVE...steve should be nicer....rori should be meaner...

on day one...we got to the school and met our hosts...my host is a girl running for student body president that is so cool i know her name is mwelwa and she has this roommatre named jasmine...roris host is col and she did a presentatio today....steves host is RICHARD...YAY! i was so happy to see him...

i got a st lawrence sweatshirt...its red and pretty and rori has it in green...rori got hers first cuz my host took me to intro of music and i met the professor and hes nice too...when i got to the application crap rori had her sweater and i got so mad cuz ie been talking about college sweaters for three months now and she got bhers fiurst...well, i overreacted and me and steve got all competative cuz we were playing the admit wait list deny game...kimmy was yelling at me cuz i let my grades drop cuz of the play and i do it every year without guilt or shame...so i was being overly compatative...then kimmy got mad at me and said rori was mad because of me and its all my fault and rori was like she knows now why arista kids complain about me and steve so much..it kinda hurt but itds true and ive never cared what they thought...

steves playing the piano on the computer next to mine...hes reading over my shoulder at random times...he didnt even kno i had a blog...hes reaseraching melodramit girls in response to rori reasearching assholes and stupid guys.. steve is mucho weirdo

tmobile doesnt work up here...roris phone is working yet steves and my phones are useless...well we leave tomorrow...i dont wanna leave...its so nice up here

had my interview...not eligible for heop like rori and steve so i had my interview at pays hall while they had theirs at whitman at different times...i hope i did okay...

i missed novices to come here...wednesday marks my exit from my life to devote myself entirely to my sport...so not gonna do well at this meet but at least6 i made it to the next level i guess...

now steve is watching adult swim...the music is catchy but hes notplaying it cuz hes reading over my shoulder...now its playing again but its something different...its a game i guess

i so wanna come to st lawrence...

(by the way, this song is actuallycalled untitled i couldnt think of a name for this one...)

imma go now cuz this is not my comp and i wanna talk to rori who has left the area to either talk to other ppl or avoid steve...i wouldnt know...

now shes back...

hi rori..she says hello...yes you did rori...steve go awaqy...

oh and im helping sheets write his book...i actually wrote A CHAPTER it was fun....i hate mac computers i cant type on them....but there ike faster and stuff...i wanna play newgrounds too...i wanna play interactive buddy

so i will do that

bye and i will post soon again byers but dotn call me till tomorrow those of u with my number...byers

Karma / What I've Done

wow...sorry for being back so quickly...just went blog hopping from sheets (nothing new since sunday or monday) to harris (two new, and both saying something about me)

DEAR FREAKIGN LORD...i know these are for sharing feelings regardless of judgement, but come on...damn...sometimes when he says it, i just dont get it...but when its in words like that...damn...it hurts...

it feels numb...like somebody jabbed a bunch of needles in my heart and are drawing them out SLOWLY...like that...like this pinching feeling and it hurts so bad and i wanna cry and scream and punch somthing all at the same time...

im not unreasonable, im not a bitch, im not this selfish girl who clicgs to the point of you can talk to these people anymore...but it stings a little bit...this dude was like im sorry mezzo soprano girl...he made it sound so bad, like im inferior cuz im not this glass breaking girl (ie: liza and rori) i cant break glass, but i dont have a compulsive rifting issue...(no offense to liza, i love her voice, but every note has a flourish to it...some notes are better as is...but according to my boyfriend im too low of a singer to judge)...im so hurt...but i know i shouldnt be...and the factg that i am hurts all the more...

i was observing that he prolly doesnt read any of my blogs...its prolly better that way... maybe hed have less ammo on me...less to judge me about...

Am I good enough for him? am i giving this relationship everything i have left to give? i doont know anymore...because if i was maybe i would learn to take more...but why do i have to take everything? i put up wiht the fact that hes never in the mood for me and when he is its at the worst times for me but i still deal cuz those are the only times that hes really good to me...

i feel like im freaking spinning...and i know ive done this to myself...ive hurt so many people...i guess its about time i feel the effects of my own actions...im surprised it didnt come sooner...

now i understand...i understand why sheets was so angry with me, why steve insults me (albiet friendly insults)...why harris cant look at me the same anymore...why i can barely hug him without his being repulsed by me...

that weekend changed everything...it changed absolutely everything...im so hurt, but i do know i deserve it...oh well...thats what i get...of course...i have to own up to what ive done...whatever...i can take it..and ill do it, solo or with somebody./..if thats how harris thinks of me...the balls in his court now...

Dear Friend / The Last Song I'm Wasting On You

hey...whats up...this double title means something, but not exactly what it looks like...let me explain...

lets start with title one...

dear friend...that goes to sheets, one of the best guys ever no question about it...the only thing i really dont get is that im the one who did something wrong...yet hes the one apologizing? he refused to take my apology, claiming hed never se me the same, yet he apologizes for doing nothing...i dont get that...

MOON SHOES...i want those...

anyhow...i now understand that the dude is rather long suffering, and i know ive done some bad crap to him...but i wanna do better now...im not gonna mess up anything anymore...just cuz i have to manipulate family members doesnt mean i have to subconsciously to my friends...i refuse to do that...if i need something done i will utilize subordinates, like i have always done, and i will never give my friends the impression that they are tools...never never never...

which brings me to my second title...its not as odd as it sounds...

the whole thing with harris has really been getting me down...i dont wanna fight but sometimes stating simple fact sets him off...that and steves physics book can really cause some trouble...

sometimes i dont know if he really cares anymore...i know i shouldnt doubt him, but sometimes it hurts when he wont look at me because hes not in the mood to...there are things i put up with when comes to him that im not too happy about but i do it bacause i love him and all...i know thats really bad that hes irritating me so much but apparently i irritate him too...and somehow the only way we communicate civily is through writing...and i dont even think he reads these...if he ever did...sometimes i wonder if he looks at me the same since that hellish weekend...if he lost respect for me...it hurts so much to even reflect on all this, but i know i really cant tell him, cuz he either wont answer, or he would tell me what i wanna hear...but what if what i wanna hear is what he really thinks? who knows? the very thought of harris getting bored with me scares me, especially cuz i put a lot of time into being perfect...but what if perfect isnt good enough for him....i remember that he was really bleh about me being a mezzo soprano according to pierre...why does it matter what voice range im in? well whatever...

im happy i got all of this off my chest...i dont wanna just explode on him...i dont wanna be the one who gives up...i cant, really, not at this point...our pictures in the yearbook, for one thing...plus...there are some times where harris is just so sweet and nice and stuff, and somehow that makes up for everything...oh well...its not like he reads this anyway...

oh well...this is the last time i say any of these things...this is the very last you will hear of any of it...i wanna bury this, get on with my life, and be happy wiht my bf and stuff...cheesy, but that works for me...

swim practice has been killing me lately...making a 32 second 50 free means harder practices for my butt...and they hurt...painfully...oh well...if i make another backstroke time again, maybe she will let me go to opens, instead of me feeling guilty for missing novices...the only thing is, at novices, ill be the fastest backstroker, at opens, the better meet, ill be the slowest...and that will sincerely piss me off...

anyhoo...let me go now...i gotta go anyway...anyhow...byebye...

The Carpal Tunnel Of Love

hey again...you may be wondering why i put this title...let me explain it to you...

do u ever feel like ur happiness is hurting everyone around you? well thats how ive been feeling every since the whle thing wth harris started...hes a good guy, despite what others and even he says...i think so anyway, if i didnt then im just a glutton for punishment...

well, sheets is forever yelling at me now, and jimmy barely talks to me, at least not as much as he used to...i can understand jimmy, him being my ex and hating joeys guts more than hell...but sheets? i get where hes coming from too...i never thought id be in this position, ask anybody who knew me before high school...i was that weird girl not many talked to cuz she was that weird...now i get to cleveland...im still the weird girl but at least people talk to me...except that one incident when joe zamitto used my name tomake frun of brittany...that just wasnt nice...lol...

well you get the point...people look at me and see an equal now...

i never thought id be the girl who would have the affections of a grand total of three very good guys within the span of a year...seven months of it simultaneous actually...

any girl would be lucky to have just one chasing after her...well two of then arent chasing, and the third doesnt need to...

sheets said recently that he holds envy over harris because he has me...all i have to say to that is hat sheets can prolly do better than me...i cant imagine fighting wiht sheets as much as i do with harris...we dont fight so much now...or at least im optimistic...we had a coherent not yelling conversation last friday maybe itll work out like that...but still...some girl is gonna be so lucky to have sheets he just hasnt realized (oraccepted) that fate...

as for me, i can deal...i love harris, that much isnt changing, and itll prolly take more than a long while toget over it if it does end...i hope it doesnt end...if we could get through a fight like our six month anniversary one, where everyone got involved, i tink we can handle pretty close to anything...that is, if he doesnt get bored with me...i think thats a big fear for me...somebody getting bored with me...harris might be sick of me by now, im hoping hes not but whatever...i cant control what ppl think...

harris actully told me i should have ended it that day...ever since he said that, ive been thinking...either that means he knows what he did wrong or he wants out...if it is the latter he has to tell me straight...i can only take the hints nobody wants to have seen...i actually knew something ws up wiht him from a hile...when the told me i wasnt shocked at all...dissapointed maybe, but totally not shocked...rori and marina prolly hought they were gonna deal with a hurricane of tears...if they expectefd that they were prolly dissapointed...

actually, jimmy was the one hearing about that most when i found out...he may have called me way too much, but he totally respected me and my views...idk though...now that i think about it, telling harris i liked him was the best and worst thing i couldve possibly done for everybody else...

but love isnt about outside people isnt it? its about two people...and their feelings for one another, and withstanding anything...thats what i think...

on the other hand, i have the best friends ever, they stood up and defended me when i had no real outlet for defending myself...it kills sometimes that i cant defend myself sometimes...that i have to hide behind people...

as for sheets, i can understand what hes going through, and if hed let me help i would...he said i manipulate him though...if i have that was totally my bad and i didnt mean it that way and i have toned down a lot...i hate that i hurt him...ihurt hi about as much as i hurt jimmy i think and i think thats a sucky thing for me to do and i want to fix this if theyd let me but thy dont...

i love harris, that is not, IS NOT, changing anytime soon...i just wanna stop hurting everyone else...sometimes i fel like there gonna be kay, but sometimes its like, if there not gonna accept it and if there gonna hurt over something you yourself are doing to them because you wanna be happy and find love..then whats the use of findin it if u cant enjoy it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anyhoo....onto lighter matters

did some dives at the campus magnet swim meets...my 50 free was a 32! i think thats kelseys time, and ms wagner says that if i work at my dive a bit more i can beat even natasha! and my 100 free time was a 1:18! yay!!!

got some health homework im procrastinating on...story of my life...

well ive got to go...i got a new storage card for my phone and im usin that until my zune updates itself....BYEBYE!