Hey, everyone. Cool, I'm being punctual and good with keeping this thing up. So far, at least once a day. Either that, or I'm getting so bored, that I have to do something productive, lest my day be completely wasted.
Today, my Arts of New York teacher commented on my writing to the whole class. Awkward. It was on something I didn't even know I did, and I meant it in a literal sense, not metaphorical. Oh well. Anyway, she thought I was clever, and we go on random trips to see various ballets and operas. If only she'd gotten to RENT sooner. Or Spring Awakening. Or some underground production of Sweeney Todd that I happened to be starring in? Too out there? Whatever.
I got a B- on my English paper. Apparently my biggest weaknesses were structure and editing. I HATE revising papers. It's idea censorship. First drafts are final drafts to me. On the first day, she asked us all what we didn't like about writing. Everybodys saying tthings like they don't like getting bad grades or if it's not any good. When my turn comes, I state my name (standard first day etiquette), and say revising. She lookeed at me like she hadn't expected that, as I continued to say that revising to me is editing ideas, and they're perfectly fine the first time they come out. That's when either some guy or some girl says that it's just revising the structure. I don't remember if I said anything, but I remember thinking "Yeah, tampering with the structure of the idea so it's a different one? Nitpicking? Really?" I guess revising is a part of life.
My italian class is kicking my ass. I know it, but it's not exactly memorized. So it's kicking my ass. I do my homework, so I could get a decent grade. Decent, however, isn't good enough for my mom. Plus, I've got the GPA requirement to think about.
My acting class rocks. My teacher's really zen-ish, really calm. He tells us to "play with the space" and to "experiment with status." The one time I saw him get testy was when this girl's cell went off in the middle of "playing with the words." He didn't yell or anything, but you could sense the agitation.
My history class. On Blackboard, which I can never ever get into. My teacher's no Mr. Guerra, but he can get by. I think I ACED that quiz he gave us.
I have yet to make close Macaulay Honors friends. Sure, there's Natalia, but she's in Queens, and I knew her beforehand. I made an acquaintance/friend in English named Marina. She draws and writes stories, and her characters are living and breathing in her head. Awesome way to write. quite inspiring. She's Scholars, and the Townsend Harris alums in Macaulay Honors always seem to have something to say about her. (Ironically, they were on the Townsend Harris swim team. That's probably why I can't talk to them. Too much Cleveland Loyalty. They pummeled us. I remember having a conversation with a Townsend Harris breaststroker in the disgusting Lane locker rooms. I wonder if she goes to school with me now. I know there's a breaststroker in Honors, I think that one's Sunny (her name). Imagine that was her. Irony.
My Arts of New York professor has us write quotes on the board sometimes. If I get called for one one day, I think I should have some ready. That's why this blog's called "Say." Quotes are said.
Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
House: Ooh, I know this one, Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that or they're cowards.
When life is not so nice, remember this advice, Put some vanilla behind your ears and you'll smell like a cookie all day.
Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of their time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” J.R.R. Tolkien (genius writer and linguist)
Charlie: Guys, where are we? (Best character on LOST, I don't care what anybody says. I took his fate really badly.)
Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
(Last 3 quotes were by Douglas Adams. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I would put more of Tolkien, and even Lewis, but my favorite quotes by them are in fact, all of their books. Too long for a blog. I had to stop myself from adding more from this guy.)
Max: And you know what really pisses me off is I swallowed all those cotton balls and they never even took a damn x-ray.
Hippy Dude: You still have options man.
Max: Yeah, jail or Canada and they both suck. I mean I could never come home, so what is it, it's a choice of a 6x4 cell or an endless wasteland of frozen tundra.
Hippy Dude: Montreal is cool.
Max: Man, they speak French.
Hippy Guitarist: So learn French. Learn French or die.
(Across the Universe rocks.)
Well, I'll have more as they come, as Rory is almost done with ther work study thingy. Cool. I wish I could work. My mom's all like no it'll ruin your GPA.
Oh well. Toodles.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Control
Hey, everyone. Just back from my history test. I finished so early I got out of class early. Now I'm in the basement, feeling like talking, so here I am.
I'm not feeling much of anything, really. I've said what I needed to say. I just feel like talking. About randomness. So here goes.
I really wanted to see the new Chris Rock special. Very badly. I don't have HBO, so after it came on I spent a whi9le trying to track it down, and I finally find it on the Chinese version of youtube. Everything's in Chinese. (Thank God the pause, play, forward and backward buttons are universal, because that would have bit.) Anyway, it's taking a good while to load, and I get about halfway through before it conks out and refuses to load any more. Seriously, with a new flawless mac, I should be able to watch Chinese hosted videos whenever I please. Heh.
Well, as I watched Chris Rock's witty observations about this year's campaign, it got me thinking. Both have severe flaws in their campaigns, both have some strengths. I went researching Obama and Clinton during the primary, I feel like I should do some research on McCain and find out what evil is lesser. If I can't decide, I think I'll just vote for the Independent category (as a registered Independent, this seems natural, except that it's Nader.) or some other minor party. Granted, the votes are all going toward the Democrats or the Republicans. I want my first vote to matter. Especially because of my independent registering, I couldn't vote in the primary, much to my mother's delight. At the time, I liked Obama, she was a devout Clintonite. She got to tear up my ballot.
Anyway, now that Independents get their say as well in the upcoming election, perhaps we should be the ones to tip the scales of even blue and red states. We matter, and we should take control of our country. Because Independents are third party, they don't get the recogniton they need and very often deserve. Who are the politicians you hear about the most? Democrats and Republicans. They are the ones who watched as gas prices went up, and as our economy fizzled and died.
McCain's the one who dropped everything to save the economy, forgetting that Presidents have to juggle, and Obama's the one who not only put his no doubt expensive campaign before our sickened economy, but schmoozed the media.
Well, I'm bored, and I've decided to research. The economy's not really my cup of tea, so I decided to research the energy policies on our Independent, Democrat, and Republican nominees.
First up: Nader.
http://www.votenader.org/issues/energy/
(I don't feel like typing.)
Next: Obama.
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/newenergy
(Again, my fingers hurt from that rant. Maybe I'm well informed, maybe I'm not. If I'm not, Im getting informed now.)
Last: McCain.
http://www.johnmccain.com//Informing/Issues/17671aa4-2fe8-4008-859f-0ef1468e96f4.htm
(One thing I'd like to note, McCain refers to it as American Energy. the other two are just energy. Do I really need to say it?)
I plan to read up before I vote. I think you all should too.
[I did not mean to start ranting. It just fell out.]
Anyway, on to other matters.
I'm in the library. Rory's out there somewhere. I may just abandon my computer to look for her. I can't find Jani either. I'll find them. One day.
I'll talk to you all later.
I'm not feeling much of anything, really. I've said what I needed to say. I just feel like talking. About randomness. So here goes.
I really wanted to see the new Chris Rock special. Very badly. I don't have HBO, so after it came on I spent a whi9le trying to track it down, and I finally find it on the Chinese version of youtube. Everything's in Chinese. (Thank God the pause, play, forward and backward buttons are universal, because that would have bit.) Anyway, it's taking a good while to load, and I get about halfway through before it conks out and refuses to load any more. Seriously, with a new flawless mac, I should be able to watch Chinese hosted videos whenever I please. Heh.
Well, as I watched Chris Rock's witty observations about this year's campaign, it got me thinking. Both have severe flaws in their campaigns, both have some strengths. I went researching Obama and Clinton during the primary, I feel like I should do some research on McCain and find out what evil is lesser. If I can't decide, I think I'll just vote for the Independent category (as a registered Independent, this seems natural, except that it's Nader.) or some other minor party. Granted, the votes are all going toward the Democrats or the Republicans. I want my first vote to matter. Especially because of my independent registering, I couldn't vote in the primary, much to my mother's delight. At the time, I liked Obama, she was a devout Clintonite. She got to tear up my ballot.
Anyway, now that Independents get their say as well in the upcoming election, perhaps we should be the ones to tip the scales of even blue and red states. We matter, and we should take control of our country. Because Independents are third party, they don't get the recogniton they need and very often deserve. Who are the politicians you hear about the most? Democrats and Republicans. They are the ones who watched as gas prices went up, and as our economy fizzled and died.
McCain's the one who dropped everything to save the economy, forgetting that Presidents have to juggle, and Obama's the one who not only put his no doubt expensive campaign before our sickened economy, but schmoozed the media.
Well, I'm bored, and I've decided to research. The economy's not really my cup of tea, so I decided to research the energy policies on our Independent, Democrat, and Republican nominees.
First up: Nader.
http://www.votenader.org/issues/energy/
(I don't feel like typing.)
Next: Obama.
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/newenergy
(Again, my fingers hurt from that rant. Maybe I'm well informed, maybe I'm not. If I'm not, Im getting informed now.)
Last: McCain.
http://www.johnmccain.com//Informing/Issues/17671aa4-2fe8-4008-859f-0ef1468e96f4.htm
(One thing I'd like to note, McCain refers to it as American Energy. the other two are just energy. Do I really need to say it?)
I plan to read up before I vote. I think you all should too.
[I did not mean to start ranting. It just fell out.]
Anyway, on to other matters.
I'm in the library. Rory's out there somewhere. I may just abandon my computer to look for her. I can't find Jani either. I'll find them. One day.
I'll talk to you all later.
Realize
Can't sleep. Have decided to write a random blog at 3:30 in the morning. Enjoy.
About this whole situation, I'm actually feeling better. I talked to the remnants of the group today mostly, and I think this whole thing could have blown over. Hopefully, I can still call myself a part of the splintered group, and my friends can trust me and things will get to be as normal as they cam possibly be with the group dead, and part of it out of state and the rest of it breaking out of it too.
Maybe that's why I got so sad. Maybe I thought I'd be all alone over here. If that happens, so be it at this point. I'd want them to be happy. I know I'm not leaving the city for anyone, why should they stay using the opposite logic?
Yay, I'm being mature and understanding.
Anyway, I gave everyone the Dharma link. Nobody's told me their groupings yet. If I've given you the site already, there's no time, its only good till the 7th. heres the link.
www.dharmawantsyou.com
Enjoy.
Anyway, I passed out the Sawyer nickname test too. I think it's random, as I've done it like three times and I got three different things, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Little Bo Peep. I think Sawyer could have called me that. Who knows?
Harris is Pud, Sheets is either Truckstop or Chico. I don't know what he's deciding to let the fictional character call him. Oh well. The rest could simply let me know later, I'll add you to this paragraph.
I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I don't need that drama. (Everytime I say that, however, drama ensues. Maybe I should avoid those words. Nobody ever needs drama, it comes to you. And if you can't take the lesson it offers simply because you don't think you need it, then perhaps a decent chance has passed you by. Pain can let in some of the best people you'll ever meet.)
Now, let me start that paragraph over, with my newfound epiphany. (God, I wish I hadn't already used that title. Let's try ... realization.)
I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, why let go of one of the best friends that I've ever had? On the other hand, the good and the bad is almost even, considering I'm way more twisted than I was before, no matter how over this I ever was. And I know I was over this. One does not go through two guys in four monhs if they're over someone. (God, now I feel like I'm a little loose. I'm not loose, people. Maybe I'm just damaged.) I don't need the double dose of pain. (I've already experienced this drama, I can say that. Double jeopardy is illegal in law, and it should be illegal in life.)
Maybe I'm reading too much into this whole shebang. I think I should just wrap this. I don't even know if it's worth it now. It's clear, the group is splintering further with his and Rory's theoretical leaving. Why should I add more strings that are going to need to be cut anyway? I've already learned long distance is very hard. (Granted, that was a very special case. Other than the revelations, the ex-boyfriends, and the theoretical crimes, I could handle the pressures of long distance. The benefits of space, plus, my occasional clingyness would be welcomes, as they never see me. When you never see someone, it's easy to forget what pisses you off about them. Damn, I'm such a cynic.)
I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow. I've got a history test I'm not nearly prepared for. But, its history. The Mongols, and I pay attention. It can't be too hard. I'll let you all know, I guess.
Thanks, everyone, for listening to my revelations, realizations, and cynicism. I love you all, dear readers, and I shall send you all a fruit bouquet. You know, the pineapple flowers and stuff?
Well, I'm gone. Forensic Files. Did you know about the Zodiac Killer, anyone? He killed two Tauruses. Maybe the astrology thing was just dumb luck. Speaking of luck, Aquarians weren't touched. Go us.
LOL. Bye, everyone. Enjoy.
P.S: Happy birthday to my dad, Natalia from junior high and Macaulay Honors Queens, and Arielle from junior high. Libras. The Zodiac got a Libra. And two Taurus', a Scorpio, a Gemini, a Cancer (I think the Cancer was a homeless guy.) and I think a Virgo. That bites for all of them. I think Aries, Aquarius, Saggitarius, and a few others were safe. So mazeltov to Rory, Liza, and myself. The New York Zodiac would have left us alone at the time being if Orion and the Seven Sisters were not visible. Why am I quoting this? Maybe my mom's right. MAybe we do need counseling. Perhaps I can tun it into a personal therapy session, as long as I avoid family sessions. I think this can be done. Heh.
PPS: They called Harris back. Congrats to him. They didn't call me, but maybe they couldn't read my handwriting. Either way, oh well. I wouldn't have been able to miss school anyway. Maybe I could just go to med school. Perform in operating theaters instead of Broadway ones. (House fever, don't listen to me.) Heh. Bye.
UPDATE: Scratch that. Totally not ready. Studying now. If somebody can be of assistance? Thanks.
About this whole situation, I'm actually feeling better. I talked to the remnants of the group today mostly, and I think this whole thing could have blown over. Hopefully, I can still call myself a part of the splintered group, and my friends can trust me and things will get to be as normal as they cam possibly be with the group dead, and part of it out of state and the rest of it breaking out of it too.
Maybe that's why I got so sad. Maybe I thought I'd be all alone over here. If that happens, so be it at this point. I'd want them to be happy. I know I'm not leaving the city for anyone, why should they stay using the opposite logic?
Yay, I'm being mature and understanding.
Anyway, I gave everyone the Dharma link. Nobody's told me their groupings yet. If I've given you the site already, there's no time, its only good till the 7th. heres the link.
www.dharmawantsyou.com
Enjoy.
Anyway, I passed out the Sawyer nickname test too. I think it's random, as I've done it like three times and I got three different things, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Little Bo Peep. I think Sawyer could have called me that. Who knows?
Harris is Pud, Sheets is either Truckstop or Chico. I don't know what he's deciding to let the fictional character call him. Oh well. The rest could simply let me know later, I'll add you to this paragraph.
I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I don't need that drama. (Everytime I say that, however, drama ensues. Maybe I should avoid those words. Nobody ever needs drama, it comes to you. And if you can't take the lesson it offers simply because you don't think you need it, then perhaps a decent chance has passed you by. Pain can let in some of the best people you'll ever meet.)
Now, let me start that paragraph over, with my newfound epiphany. (God, I wish I hadn't already used that title. Let's try ... realization.)
I'm not sure whether to just let bygones be bygones or to let the grudge eat me alive. I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, why let go of one of the best friends that I've ever had? On the other hand, the good and the bad is almost even, considering I'm way more twisted than I was before, no matter how over this I ever was. And I know I was over this. One does not go through two guys in four monhs if they're over someone. (God, now I feel like I'm a little loose. I'm not loose, people. Maybe I'm just damaged.) I don't need the double dose of pain. (I've already experienced this drama, I can say that. Double jeopardy is illegal in law, and it should be illegal in life.)
Maybe I'm reading too much into this whole shebang. I think I should just wrap this. I don't even know if it's worth it now. It's clear, the group is splintering further with his and Rory's theoretical leaving. Why should I add more strings that are going to need to be cut anyway? I've already learned long distance is very hard. (Granted, that was a very special case. Other than the revelations, the ex-boyfriends, and the theoretical crimes, I could handle the pressures of long distance. The benefits of space, plus, my occasional clingyness would be welcomes, as they never see me. When you never see someone, it's easy to forget what pisses you off about them. Damn, I'm such a cynic.)
I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow. I've got a history test I'm not nearly prepared for. But, its history. The Mongols, and I pay attention. It can't be too hard. I'll let you all know, I guess.
Thanks, everyone, for listening to my revelations, realizations, and cynicism. I love you all, dear readers, and I shall send you all a fruit bouquet. You know, the pineapple flowers and stuff?
Well, I'm gone. Forensic Files. Did you know about the Zodiac Killer, anyone? He killed two Tauruses. Maybe the astrology thing was just dumb luck. Speaking of luck, Aquarians weren't touched. Go us.
LOL. Bye, everyone. Enjoy.
P.S: Happy birthday to my dad, Natalia from junior high and Macaulay Honors Queens, and Arielle from junior high. Libras. The Zodiac got a Libra. And two Taurus', a Scorpio, a Gemini, a Cancer (I think the Cancer was a homeless guy.) and I think a Virgo. That bites for all of them. I think Aries, Aquarius, Saggitarius, and a few others were safe. So mazeltov to Rory, Liza, and myself. The New York Zodiac would have left us alone at the time being if Orion and the Seven Sisters were not visible. Why am I quoting this? Maybe my mom's right. MAybe we do need counseling. Perhaps I can tun it into a personal therapy session, as long as I avoid family sessions. I think this can be done. Heh.
PPS: They called Harris back. Congrats to him. They didn't call me, but maybe they couldn't read my handwriting. Either way, oh well. I wouldn't have been able to miss school anyway. Maybe I could just go to med school. Perform in operating theaters instead of Broadway ones. (House fever, don't listen to me.) Heh. Bye.
UPDATE: Scratch that. Totally not ready. Studying now. If somebody can be of assistance? Thanks.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Teardrop / Prayer of the Refugee
hey, everyone. I'm back, on my iPod, and ready to unload.
Well, I've learned something about myself. I think I'm depressed. I'm always sad, it appears I'm pickjg fights with everyone I care about, and on top of it all, not even MCR has cleared the clouds. On the upside, I'm integrating back into church. I'm teaching three and four year olds about the Bible. Apparently, kids love me. Little kids, specifically. I may consider becoming a teacher, if this acting thing doesn't work. Speaking of acting, Harris provided me with audition info. The show is called Rooftop, and it's a sci-fi show about a pop star with big dreams. I know a kindly alien is involved. It seems sweet. They have yet to call me. Oh well.
I've been watching House religiously. Either this is my brain subconsciously telling me that things could be much worse, or it's telling me that hey, at least I'm not oozing waste out of my mouth, or suffering from a gluten intolerance that results in me killing my infant son. Lost, however, still rocks.
Speaking of Lost, I joined the Dharma Initiative today. I took all the tests and I have been officially classified.
Here is my groupings:
Pandora, Polyphemus are the first two, I forgot the third, the fourth is cronus, the fifth was similar sounding to the third, the sixth was hestia. Apparently I'm gonna be a dharma medic. I did some research, and apparently hestia means medicine. I got all these questions about medicine anyway. In real life, that would never be me. At least I get to go outside the box in Dharma world. If only I could now.
You ever feel like your pushing everybody away?
And the saddest part is that everybodys leaving no matter what I do. So I've gotta figure out how to say goodbye to everyone. Rory hates the commute, that's understandable, as long as we stay in contact, if she's happy away, I can live with that.
I found out maybe a week ago that Sheets might go too. And for some reason we've been fighting for no reason, it comes up, and he's all like thank god I'm leaving. I guess his leaving is his business, and there's nothing I can say about it. But now I feel like an idiot. See, my mom revealed an indiscretion on a friend of mine's part, and she named everything that's ever gone on, including a rumor that he still liked me, or did again. Naturally, i didn't believe a word (one doesn't lose her faith in humanity by trusting them blindly), so i chased the rumor down to the source and they said it was true. So I decided to talk to him. Single most embarrasing conversation of my life, even though I was expecting nothing. I vowed not to expect anything, I don't need the drama of a second time through all this. Well, anyway, i tell him i know, and he says to see where it goes later on. Which wasn't the worst I could have heard, but fickleness always strikes more than once I guess. Anyway, not too long ago I heard he may go too.
I don't want them to go, honestly. But that's selfish. They should go. I know how much Rory hates the commute. Nobody needs an hour and a half long train ride.
I miss Cleveland. Everything was simple. It didn't seem it then, but it was.
From the advice Harris gave me, I shouldn't care what they do. It's their lives. It's all I can do to not care, then. I guess all I can do I'd be supportive.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, in other news, I spoke to Harris's new Brit beau . Sweet guy. If he lived in the states, in pretty sure I'd be friends with him. Robert something. Very classic brit.
Eitherway, I'm cool with it.
I'm going to go now. Bye.
Teardrop is the theme from House, I can't stop listening to it. Prayer of the Refugee Is a song by Rise Against. I love that song.
Either way, see you all on the outside.
[disclaimer]~ I don't mean to offend anyone with what I say here. Talk to you all soon.
*edit: my actual groupings in the dharma are....pandora, polyphemus, antaeus, cronus, aether, hestia, white swan. thats right, i didnt cheat. I was totally honest. heh.
P.S.: I am no longer engaged. It got complicated, and he beat me to it. He didnt want me waiting around with nothing to go on. Wasn't fair to me, he said. Its okay though. Gives me time to really focus on the bigger things in life. Like the remnants of my high school drama that won't leave my head. Oh, and psychics have been following me. Everytime I pass one, theyre either telling me I'm special and have a good aura, or that bad people are around me, and they charge to tell me how to rid my life of it. I havent paid. Ill find this mole myself. If they really cared about me and my fertile psychic aura, theyll analyze me for free, just so they have credit in unlocking my potential. Oh well. Screw that.
Whatever, hope you guys enjoy hearing from me.
Well, I've learned something about myself. I think I'm depressed. I'm always sad, it appears I'm pickjg fights with everyone I care about, and on top of it all, not even MCR has cleared the clouds. On the upside, I'm integrating back into church. I'm teaching three and four year olds about the Bible. Apparently, kids love me. Little kids, specifically. I may consider becoming a teacher, if this acting thing doesn't work. Speaking of acting, Harris provided me with audition info. The show is called Rooftop, and it's a sci-fi show about a pop star with big dreams. I know a kindly alien is involved. It seems sweet. They have yet to call me. Oh well.
I've been watching House religiously. Either this is my brain subconsciously telling me that things could be much worse, or it's telling me that hey, at least I'm not oozing waste out of my mouth, or suffering from a gluten intolerance that results in me killing my infant son. Lost, however, still rocks.
Speaking of Lost, I joined the Dharma Initiative today. I took all the tests and I have been officially classified.
Here is my groupings:
Pandora, Polyphemus are the first two, I forgot the third, the fourth is cronus, the fifth was similar sounding to the third, the sixth was hestia. Apparently I'm gonna be a dharma medic. I did some research, and apparently hestia means medicine. I got all these questions about medicine anyway. In real life, that would never be me. At least I get to go outside the box in Dharma world. If only I could now.
You ever feel like your pushing everybody away?
And the saddest part is that everybodys leaving no matter what I do. So I've gotta figure out how to say goodbye to everyone. Rory hates the commute, that's understandable, as long as we stay in contact, if she's happy away, I can live with that.
I found out maybe a week ago that Sheets might go too. And for some reason we've been fighting for no reason, it comes up, and he's all like thank god I'm leaving. I guess his leaving is his business, and there's nothing I can say about it. But now I feel like an idiot. See, my mom revealed an indiscretion on a friend of mine's part, and she named everything that's ever gone on, including a rumor that he still liked me, or did again. Naturally, i didn't believe a word (one doesn't lose her faith in humanity by trusting them blindly), so i chased the rumor down to the source and they said it was true. So I decided to talk to him. Single most embarrasing conversation of my life, even though I was expecting nothing. I vowed not to expect anything, I don't need the drama of a second time through all this. Well, anyway, i tell him i know, and he says to see where it goes later on. Which wasn't the worst I could have heard, but fickleness always strikes more than once I guess. Anyway, not too long ago I heard he may go too.
I don't want them to go, honestly. But that's selfish. They should go. I know how much Rory hates the commute. Nobody needs an hour and a half long train ride.
I miss Cleveland. Everything was simple. It didn't seem it then, but it was.
From the advice Harris gave me, I shouldn't care what they do. It's their lives. It's all I can do to not care, then. I guess all I can do I'd be supportive.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, in other news, I spoke to Harris's new Brit beau . Sweet guy. If he lived in the states, in pretty sure I'd be friends with him. Robert something. Very classic brit.
Eitherway, I'm cool with it.
I'm going to go now. Bye.
Teardrop is the theme from House, I can't stop listening to it. Prayer of the Refugee Is a song by Rise Against. I love that song.
Either way, see you all on the outside.
[disclaimer]~ I don't mean to offend anyone with what I say here. Talk to you all soon.
*edit: my actual groupings in the dharma are....pandora, polyphemus, antaeus, cronus, aether, hestia, white swan. thats right, i didnt cheat. I was totally honest. heh.
P.S.: I am no longer engaged. It got complicated, and he beat me to it. He didnt want me waiting around with nothing to go on. Wasn't fair to me, he said. Its okay though. Gives me time to really focus on the bigger things in life. Like the remnants of my high school drama that won't leave my head. Oh, and psychics have been following me. Everytime I pass one, theyre either telling me I'm special and have a good aura, or that bad people are around me, and they charge to tell me how to rid my life of it. I havent paid. Ill find this mole myself. If they really cared about me and my fertile psychic aura, theyll analyze me for free, just so they have credit in unlocking my potential. Oh well. Screw that.
Whatever, hope you guys enjoy hearing from me.
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Name Of The Game
I am officially obsessed with this song called The Crowing. I am so obsessed with it that I want to name one of my kids Ambellina. It's a pretty name regardless.
Speaking of names, I've been preoccupied with them lately. I'm gonna need them when I have my own kids, and I want them to have a name that no other kid is going to have. I've already come up wiht Cameo Polaris (I found that by totaly accident), Guinevere Brittany (Ive been obsessed with the name since I was fifteen, and Brittany called middle name on one of my kids) and Ambellina Courtney (I know, very Coheed and Cambria of me.) Maybe Ill have triplet girls and be done with it.
Anyway, school bites. Way too much legit homework. Love the italian language, hate my italian class. My acting class rocks, however. I love it. My arts of New York class is cool too. M teacher thinks I'm clever.
My friends are all doing well. Rory wants to transfer. Blah. Sheets is having a hell of a time in Queens. Talk to people, buddy. Even though that didnt serve me too well. Some people in my school are sort of mean. They're worse than Aristites with their cliquyness. I'm the only one from Cleveland, so it's hard. It took me awhil to explain to them that I wasn't from Ohio. Really, do I look like I'm from Ohio?
Anyway, Im off.
Speaking of names, I've been preoccupied with them lately. I'm gonna need them when I have my own kids, and I want them to have a name that no other kid is going to have. I've already come up wiht Cameo Polaris (I found that by totaly accident), Guinevere Brittany (Ive been obsessed with the name since I was fifteen, and Brittany called middle name on one of my kids) and Ambellina Courtney (I know, very Coheed and Cambria of me.) Maybe Ill have triplet girls and be done with it.
Anyway, school bites. Way too much legit homework. Love the italian language, hate my italian class. My acting class rocks, however. I love it. My arts of New York class is cool too. M teacher thinks I'm clever.
My friends are all doing well. Rory wants to transfer. Blah. Sheets is having a hell of a time in Queens. Talk to people, buddy. Even though that didnt serve me too well. Some people in my school are sort of mean. They're worse than Aristites with their cliquyness. I'm the only one from Cleveland, so it's hard. It took me awhil to explain to them that I wasn't from Ohio. Really, do I look like I'm from Ohio?
Anyway, Im off.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Name Of The Game {Edited: Wordplay]
Hey, everyone.
My aunts two days away from possibly getting a baby. (She's adopting) And there has been some debate on this cute little girl's name.
I found out about the name juxtaposition when Brittany made a one day stop over at my house to stay the weekend. We of course had to get involved. So we, well, more Brittany than me, but I was there, and I showed her my name site, (Arwen-Undomiel.com, the name translations, ignore the elvish, despite how pretty the names are), came up with a beautiful name for this little girl.
Shay Felicity. Idn't it cool? And it would grow with her too.
Well, along the way, given my situation, I got caught up, and started thinking of names quite by accident. (Come on, what girl doesn't think about names for their children?). And Brittany called middle name on one of my daughters, making that one...drumroll...Guinevere Brittany. I've been wanting to name my oldest daughter Guinevere for a loooong time.
My second daughter (hopefully I get more than one girl) got a theoretical name just yesterday. It's really weird, but I checked. And the first name was actually used to name people.
Drumroll...Cameo Polaris.
I love it. Its short, sweet, and really out there.
I already resolved to name my first or second born son Joseph or Daniel, after Harris and/or Sheets. Plus, my little brother would have a namesake before age ten, if I decide to go the Daniel route. Ive also loved the name Dominic. (Not cuz of my biggest actor crush, because the name actually rocks out.)
Dominic Daniel...Daniel Dominic? Daniel Joseph? Dominic Joseph? hmmm...
Any opinions?
My aunts two days away from possibly getting a baby. (She's adopting) And there has been some debate on this cute little girl's name.
I found out about the name juxtaposition when Brittany made a one day stop over at my house to stay the weekend. We of course had to get involved. So we, well, more Brittany than me, but I was there, and I showed her my name site, (Arwen-Undomiel.com, the name translations, ignore the elvish, despite how pretty the names are), came up with a beautiful name for this little girl.
Shay Felicity. Idn't it cool? And it would grow with her too.
Well, along the way, given my situation, I got caught up, and started thinking of names quite by accident. (Come on, what girl doesn't think about names for their children?). And Brittany called middle name on one of my daughters, making that one...drumroll...Guinevere Brittany. I've been wanting to name my oldest daughter Guinevere for a loooong time.
My second daughter (hopefully I get more than one girl) got a theoretical name just yesterday. It's really weird, but I checked. And the first name was actually used to name people.
Drumroll...Cameo Polaris.
I love it. Its short, sweet, and really out there.
I already resolved to name my first or second born son Joseph or Daniel, after Harris and/or Sheets. Plus, my little brother would have a namesake before age ten, if I decide to go the Daniel route. Ive also loved the name Dominic. (Not cuz of my biggest actor crush, because the name actually rocks out.)
Dominic Daniel...Daniel Dominic? Daniel Joseph? Dominic Joseph? hmmm...
Any opinions?
Monday, August 18, 2008
When You're Gone
You ever realize how much you'd really miss a person?
See, when all of this happened to me, and Marcus left, I knew I would miss him somewhat. I still had my misgivings, but I knew I would miss him. But now that he's been gone for nearly two weeks, I really miss him. Yesterday, I sat next to the piano he gave me to hold on to till he gets back, and I wanted to cry. He's been around for a long time, and now that our friendship took this turn, I wanna see him more. I want to get to know him, discuss all the random concerns I had with this. Pick his brain for random facts about him that I wouldn't have known otherwise. Try to figure out how this all started. I miss him.
Now on to matters of my job. The moneys good. The people SUCK. They suck. There really mean to me.
Starting from nicest to most horrible person to walk Dry Dock...
First, there's Rob. Nice about half the time. The rest of the time, he's insulting me, calling me a schitzo like the rest of them. Apparently he's that guy who rags on his friends constantly. Hello, Harris from last year. (Speaking of him, he seems to be rehabilitating. Stay tuned.)
Then, there's Josh. He's quiet, I'll leave him alone.
Jose's alright, but he said I smell. That was mean. I was asking people for days if I did after that. Everyone said no. I don't know.
Johan. What can I say? Besides antagonizing me at every opportunity, he got me in scads of trouble with my mom, when I came home with wet straight hair. Then I got into even more hot water cuz Liza cut my bangs. Everytime my mom sees me now, she's insulting my hair. I want to move a lot more now. Anyway, Johan's really mean.
My boss is mean to, simply in that he yells at me for stuff I never did, and laughs when all this other stuff happens.
Forest. Don't even get me started. Aside from being the one who first called me schitzo and Ta-Ta (the name stuck, even the staff apparently call me that. They're adults, aren't they?), he's a general asshole, who allegedly farted in Brittany's face, yells at me to clean all the time, when I always throw out my messes, is always calling me stupid and/or crazy, and being really mean and a snitch who never sits on the chair without something to say. He's like thirty, insulting an innocent eighteen year old? Pathetic.
Gio left yesterday for good. He's going to florida for a week, so he can't work. He was like the only nice one. It was depressing.
The dwim teacher guy is annoying. Like today. He threw water on me, and a couple days before he frizzed up my hair. But the award for messing it up goes to johan, who dunked me when he antagonizedme to get into the water, and then he dunked me. I told April, who told my mom, and I'm in trouble for that too. There is no winning with parents.
Either way, they piss me off. And im also sad. The dove I was trying to find a home for died. I wanted to cry. I had to dispose of the remains myself, cuz my mom wouldn't help me at all. She was like get rid of that bird. I was really sad, and still am. RIP Dova.
Well, on that note, let me go. I've gotta finish my work day, then get ready for my lovely three day orientation. Yay.
Bye.
See, when all of this happened to me, and Marcus left, I knew I would miss him somewhat. I still had my misgivings, but I knew I would miss him. But now that he's been gone for nearly two weeks, I really miss him. Yesterday, I sat next to the piano he gave me to hold on to till he gets back, and I wanted to cry. He's been around for a long time, and now that our friendship took this turn, I wanna see him more. I want to get to know him, discuss all the random concerns I had with this. Pick his brain for random facts about him that I wouldn't have known otherwise. Try to figure out how this all started. I miss him.
Now on to matters of my job. The moneys good. The people SUCK. They suck. There really mean to me.
Starting from nicest to most horrible person to walk Dry Dock...
First, there's Rob. Nice about half the time. The rest of the time, he's insulting me, calling me a schitzo like the rest of them. Apparently he's that guy who rags on his friends constantly. Hello, Harris from last year. (Speaking of him, he seems to be rehabilitating. Stay tuned.)
Then, there's Josh. He's quiet, I'll leave him alone.
Jose's alright, but he said I smell. That was mean. I was asking people for days if I did after that. Everyone said no. I don't know.
Johan. What can I say? Besides antagonizing me at every opportunity, he got me in scads of trouble with my mom, when I came home with wet straight hair. Then I got into even more hot water cuz Liza cut my bangs. Everytime my mom sees me now, she's insulting my hair. I want to move a lot more now. Anyway, Johan's really mean.
My boss is mean to, simply in that he yells at me for stuff I never did, and laughs when all this other stuff happens.
Forest. Don't even get me started. Aside from being the one who first called me schitzo and Ta-Ta (the name stuck, even the staff apparently call me that. They're adults, aren't they?), he's a general asshole, who allegedly farted in Brittany's face, yells at me to clean all the time, when I always throw out my messes, is always calling me stupid and/or crazy, and being really mean and a snitch who never sits on the chair without something to say. He's like thirty, insulting an innocent eighteen year old? Pathetic.
Gio left yesterday for good. He's going to florida for a week, so he can't work. He was like the only nice one. It was depressing.
The dwim teacher guy is annoying. Like today. He threw water on me, and a couple days before he frizzed up my hair. But the award for messing it up goes to johan, who dunked me when he antagonizedme to get into the water, and then he dunked me. I told April, who told my mom, and I'm in trouble for that too. There is no winning with parents.
Either way, they piss me off. And im also sad. The dove I was trying to find a home for died. I wanted to cry. I had to dispose of the remains myself, cuz my mom wouldn't help me at all. She was like get rid of that bird. I was really sad, and still am. RIP Dova.
Well, on that note, let me go. I've gotta finish my work day, then get ready for my lovely three day orientation. Yay.
Bye.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Wait / Cold
Hey, everyone. This is my third time trying to write a blog on my new sidekick. Im still working out the buttons and trying to get dash texting out of my head. My Dash EXPLODED on sunday. (The last time I hung with Rory, I think. She spells her name different now. Im trying to get used to it.)
Anyway, let me not get into that. Well, work has been okay. Rob has been a bit more asinine lately, but he's still fun. I haven't seen Gio in a good long while, because he got into a car accident and I guess he's not feeling too well. I wouldn't. He came to work too, one day. He's a real trooper.
I got my "script" for South Pacific, the show the honors college is seeing for orientation. Well, its not really a script. I thought it would be, but its not. Its the original book. "Tales Of The South Pacific", its called. Blah. Well, now I've gotta read the thing. Oh well, that's what break time is for, other than writing blogs on the sidekick, which is uber fun. Hehe.
I also have some news.
Im...kinda, sorta...engaged.
To Marcus.
(Here's where my friends either went nuts with happiness or slapped me upside my head.)
Read Harris's blog for the lowdown.
Im of two minds. A big part of me wants this bad. I've liked him on and off since I was about twelve. And I never thought he'd ever like me, let alone want to marry me. I don't evenknow when he started with the feelings for me.
On the other hand, I'm 18. I've got my whole life. Plus, he's coming back in two years, so I'll just end up waiting till I'm 20. Can I do that? I guess I'll find out.
Rory said this was kinda stupid of me, Sheets plans to object, Harris was there, and he's estatic. Brittany was pissed at him for a number of reasons, and she talked to him and now they are fine. Steve has said nothing. Granted I haven't told him myself, I believe Rory did that. Its sort of my news, but I don't care. The group, my best friends, know what's going on with me. Which is lovely. And Liza said it was random, and Annelis was like think on this. Which I am.
Harris and Marcus have been wedding planning. Blah, sort of. Saves me work, but at the cost of taste.
I don't know. I would have wanted to date him first, then have all this come up. I also feel like im not ready. He is, but I'm not. What kind of marriage is that?
This whole thing still hasn't hit me yet, but I've got feelings about it. I've discussed then with everyone. Damn my two minds, and commitment being easy, but somehow hard. I've commited before and it didn't end well. My earlier blogs can show that. Is this really smart? But on the other hand, six years is a long time. And I've liked him for awhile. What would I be throwing away simply on fear?
I don't know.
Its cold on the bus. Damn AC. Its gonna be freezing at work too. Hopefully it thunders. Everyone, pray for thunder.
Listen to the title songs, people. Wait is from Sweeney Todd, and Cold is a song by a band I can't remember.
"All good things come to those who can wait...Gillyflowers maybe, stead of daisies, I don't know though, what do you think?"
"I never meant for it to be so cold."
Anyway, let me not get into that. Well, work has been okay. Rob has been a bit more asinine lately, but he's still fun. I haven't seen Gio in a good long while, because he got into a car accident and I guess he's not feeling too well. I wouldn't. He came to work too, one day. He's a real trooper.
I got my "script" for South Pacific, the show the honors college is seeing for orientation. Well, its not really a script. I thought it would be, but its not. Its the original book. "Tales Of The South Pacific", its called. Blah. Well, now I've gotta read the thing. Oh well, that's what break time is for, other than writing blogs on the sidekick, which is uber fun. Hehe.
I also have some news.
Im...kinda, sorta...engaged.
To Marcus.
(Here's where my friends either went nuts with happiness or slapped me upside my head.)
Read Harris's blog for the lowdown.
Im of two minds. A big part of me wants this bad. I've liked him on and off since I was about twelve. And I never thought he'd ever like me, let alone want to marry me. I don't evenknow when he started with the feelings for me.
On the other hand, I'm 18. I've got my whole life. Plus, he's coming back in two years, so I'll just end up waiting till I'm 20. Can I do that? I guess I'll find out.
Rory said this was kinda stupid of me, Sheets plans to object, Harris was there, and he's estatic. Brittany was pissed at him for a number of reasons, and she talked to him and now they are fine. Steve has said nothing. Granted I haven't told him myself, I believe Rory did that. Its sort of my news, but I don't care. The group, my best friends, know what's going on with me. Which is lovely. And Liza said it was random, and Annelis was like think on this. Which I am.
Harris and Marcus have been wedding planning. Blah, sort of. Saves me work, but at the cost of taste.
I don't know. I would have wanted to date him first, then have all this come up. I also feel like im not ready. He is, but I'm not. What kind of marriage is that?
This whole thing still hasn't hit me yet, but I've got feelings about it. I've discussed then with everyone. Damn my two minds, and commitment being easy, but somehow hard. I've commited before and it didn't end well. My earlier blogs can show that. Is this really smart? But on the other hand, six years is a long time. And I've liked him for awhile. What would I be throwing away simply on fear?
I don't know.
Its cold on the bus. Damn AC. Its gonna be freezing at work too. Hopefully it thunders. Everyone, pray for thunder.
Listen to the title songs, people. Wait is from Sweeney Todd, and Cold is a song by a band I can't remember.
"All good things come to those who can wait...Gillyflowers maybe, stead of daisies, I don't know though, what do you think?"
"I never meant for it to be so cold."
Friday, August 1, 2008
The Sharpest Lives
hey guys.
im finally back.
it is four am. i cannot sleep. suffering extreme relapses. dont know exactly what to do anymore.
i havent been to church consistently since about january. hows that for distancing myself from the pastor child image? yeah i know, not exactly giant strides, but still, im becoming my own person. i like that, getting to know me.
i, along with my most recent ex boyfriend, ruben, were bored at tommy rehearsal one day (btw, the show was in early may, we rocked it, if you know me, listen to my soundtrack on my ipod), and we created a singles crew out of boredom, and the indignation we both felt at having to see the couples in our lovely cast make out in every corner. (on a sad note, those couples no longer exist. this is the year of americas next best dance crew, lime wire, breakups, and pedophilia.) it is called S.P.O.T.C. . its Single People Over Throwing Couples. (you know what would be kickass? if S.P.O.T.C. went on americas next best dance crew? wed rock it. well, wed need training, and dancers. and annelis most likely. and matt, definately matt. renee would be nice, too. okay, wed need help, but id wanna go. east coast. lol).
harris and sam broke up. sams happy though, shes dating this kid named anthony, who she seems head over heels with. harris is stil kinda hung up over alan, but hes doing his thing. granted its not exacty jabbawockky or fanny pak style. its like doing his thing boogie bots style. (ABDC has taken over)
we did an opera. i was the bad guy, alan was the guy i was in love with, harris was the dude i married, sheets was the funny official who took bribes, sophie was the love interest, rori and sam were the sisters of the love interest, and ruben was the random official. and jason rocked it as the ruler of japan. we did the mikado. me and ruben got together right after the show. we broke up some time ago. im not sure how long ago, but it was some time ago. (damn now i feel blah cuz i cant remember)
i started working again. weve got some very interesting guys here this year.
returning lifeguards are...jose, josh, vlad (he transferred, single teardrop), and forest.
new guys are...rob (hangs with brittany all the time), gio (really cool guy, i dnt know why, but i end up venting to him. he either thinks im nuts and says nothing, or is like okay. i feel bad for it a lot), johan (kinda asinine, but all around hes alright.) and himan (he transferred a couple days after vlad, single teardrop, but he lives in the neighborhood so its okay. after a fight with jose, he left.)
everybody there is totally bitchy, and i wanna drop kick a good half of them, lifeguard and otherwise, alike, but i like the job. even though there so mean and terrible, theyve got me cursing now, and most of the time, im cursing somebody out. normally, its forest. he can be so mean.
rori and harris are no longer friends. i will leave it at that. nothing more needs to be said.
steves gonna be leaving soon. to massechusetts. oh, brandeis, treat him well.
sheets said something really mean to me, all because he gets mad that steve says mean things and everybody rags on one thing with him and i accidentally did cuz he opens the door for it, and he says i cant talk cuz my relatinship track record speaks for itself, and when i said you were one of them, he said, unfortunately. and then he was like i hope roris relation ship (shes currently dating alan. quite a twist, but there cute) works out like none of yours did.
now, i dont know quite what happened in my head. t felt like this weird floodgate just opened in my head, and i burst into tears. were talking hysterics. like only rori, liza, and annelis, and sort of harris (who never understood why i was crying and laughing that day. hell, neither did i.) and i think sam have seen me that bad. like i couldnt stop bawling. rori was trying to calm me down, steve was either not payig attention or yelling at sheets for allegedly hurting my feelings, and sheets was either saying that i started it or apologizing to me. i went home, face red with tears, couldnt pass off the redness of my face to either my mom, or my pseudo sister, brittany. oh well, at least i wasnt interrogated by either.
i need a break. a break that a day off wont give me. i want a life unblemished by drama, or hurt feelings, or regrown ones. it hurts, what people say. im really hurt by everyhing thats happened. even if ive caused it.
in other words, i read harris's blog. he seems to have had a change of heart. in general. on some things. stay tuned.
sams blissfully happy, and said shed give me the feature length rent movie. ialready have across teh universe. and now i need to find my ipod. it has dissapeared. entirely. and i neve saw a soul move it, and everybodys acting like they dont know where it is. thats the only thing that keeps me sane at work consistently. i must get it back.
things have been complicated out here. enough said.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
update!
i am an idiot.
my ipod was right there, but my earphones are blue, so theyblended into the background of what it was sitting on. a good hour of looking, followed by seeing the dark knight, followed by ABDC viewing and jabbawokky research,followed by more looking, equals, its right there. blah.
LOL.
im finally back.
it is four am. i cannot sleep. suffering extreme relapses. dont know exactly what to do anymore.
i havent been to church consistently since about january. hows that for distancing myself from the pastor child image? yeah i know, not exactly giant strides, but still, im becoming my own person. i like that, getting to know me.
i, along with my most recent ex boyfriend, ruben, were bored at tommy rehearsal one day (btw, the show was in early may, we rocked it, if you know me, listen to my soundtrack on my ipod), and we created a singles crew out of boredom, and the indignation we both felt at having to see the couples in our lovely cast make out in every corner. (on a sad note, those couples no longer exist. this is the year of americas next best dance crew, lime wire, breakups, and pedophilia.) it is called S.P.O.T.C. . its Single People Over Throwing Couples. (you know what would be kickass? if S.P.O.T.C. went on americas next best dance crew? wed rock it. well, wed need training, and dancers. and annelis most likely. and matt, definately matt. renee would be nice, too. okay, wed need help, but id wanna go. east coast. lol).
harris and sam broke up. sams happy though, shes dating this kid named anthony, who she seems head over heels with. harris is stil kinda hung up over alan, but hes doing his thing. granted its not exacty jabbawockky or fanny pak style. its like doing his thing boogie bots style. (ABDC has taken over)
we did an opera. i was the bad guy, alan was the guy i was in love with, harris was the dude i married, sheets was the funny official who took bribes, sophie was the love interest, rori and sam were the sisters of the love interest, and ruben was the random official. and jason rocked it as the ruler of japan. we did the mikado. me and ruben got together right after the show. we broke up some time ago. im not sure how long ago, but it was some time ago. (damn now i feel blah cuz i cant remember)
i started working again. weve got some very interesting guys here this year.
returning lifeguards are...jose, josh, vlad (he transferred, single teardrop), and forest.
new guys are...rob (hangs with brittany all the time), gio (really cool guy, i dnt know why, but i end up venting to him. he either thinks im nuts and says nothing, or is like okay. i feel bad for it a lot), johan (kinda asinine, but all around hes alright.) and himan (he transferred a couple days after vlad, single teardrop, but he lives in the neighborhood so its okay. after a fight with jose, he left.)
everybody there is totally bitchy, and i wanna drop kick a good half of them, lifeguard and otherwise, alike, but i like the job. even though there so mean and terrible, theyve got me cursing now, and most of the time, im cursing somebody out. normally, its forest. he can be so mean.
rori and harris are no longer friends. i will leave it at that. nothing more needs to be said.
steves gonna be leaving soon. to massechusetts. oh, brandeis, treat him well.
sheets said something really mean to me, all because he gets mad that steve says mean things and everybody rags on one thing with him and i accidentally did cuz he opens the door for it, and he says i cant talk cuz my relatinship track record speaks for itself, and when i said you were one of them, he said, unfortunately. and then he was like i hope roris relation ship (shes currently dating alan. quite a twist, but there cute) works out like none of yours did.
now, i dont know quite what happened in my head. t felt like this weird floodgate just opened in my head, and i burst into tears. were talking hysterics. like only rori, liza, and annelis, and sort of harris (who never understood why i was crying and laughing that day. hell, neither did i.) and i think sam have seen me that bad. like i couldnt stop bawling. rori was trying to calm me down, steve was either not payig attention or yelling at sheets for allegedly hurting my feelings, and sheets was either saying that i started it or apologizing to me. i went home, face red with tears, couldnt pass off the redness of my face to either my mom, or my pseudo sister, brittany. oh well, at least i wasnt interrogated by either.
i need a break. a break that a day off wont give me. i want a life unblemished by drama, or hurt feelings, or regrown ones. it hurts, what people say. im really hurt by everyhing thats happened. even if ive caused it.
in other words, i read harris's blog. he seems to have had a change of heart. in general. on some things. stay tuned.
sams blissfully happy, and said shed give me the feature length rent movie. ialready have across teh universe. and now i need to find my ipod. it has dissapeared. entirely. and i neve saw a soul move it, and everybodys acting like they dont know where it is. thats the only thing that keeps me sane at work consistently. i must get it back.
things have been complicated out here. enough said.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
update!
i am an idiot.
my ipod was right there, but my earphones are blue, so theyblended into the background of what it was sitting on. a good hour of looking, followed by seeing the dark knight, followed by ABDC viewing and jabbawokky research,followed by more looking, equals, its right there. blah.
LOL.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Just Like A Pill
im over the guy, pretty much...that much is still true, ive accepted that it was futile and not meant to happen, and i like that i am friends with him. i can have fun with others on a regular basis, and keep my mind off of the fact that i have to subject myself to more torture.
then why am i still so sad?
the fact that everybodys gonna go meet his childhood friend, and nobody told me about it because they were afraid of how id handle it didnt help either...i actually have no idea why i am as depressed as i am. i just know that i am.
all i know is that the things that make me feel better a lot of the time are essentiall emotionally killing me. i dont want them to kill me, byut they do...
and somehow, today i found out that i dont like me hair. apparently i have a vendetta against it and it slipped out today. im known for something that grows on my head that i have no control over whatsoever, and all the rest of the world gets to be recognized for what they do. i explained it to harris, and he thought i was being really self centered and a bit of an attention whore...i didnt mean to come off that way and i am sorry for all that...and then they wonder why im forever trying to atone for past sins over here,....because i am constantly annoying people and making lives more difficult somehow.
i do want to meet this girl. leaving aside what she did to the guy i kind of sort of like a little bit still, she seems lovely, if a bit metallic (lots of piercings). her names katie, and from what i hear he likes her. its a bit of a ego punch, but i can hack it. im good at stripping myself of my own dignity now. i hope i like her though, i have a thing with actually being friends with my ex's girlfriends. i think its tons of fun. harris's girlfriend, sammy, is so cool, we like her better than him. too bad she hasnt seen me when im not a total mess, she got with harris soon after i lost my mind. were cool though, so its coolness.
im kinda glad im the only one keeping this up now. that mkeans this corner of the interweb is really mine, and if people read it, so be it. if you have a problem with anything ive said, or wish to ask a question, my cyber door is wide open and ask away. and if you know me personally, you know exactly what i am talking about and if you caall me asking what this is about, im going to laugh like i havent in a long time.
on a lighter, cooler note. i got into cuny honors. i have decided to go there (st lawrence no longer worth it, with the 20000 dollar deficit and all. plus rori didnt get in, so i dont like them now.)
oh, and steve gave us all a rundown of the hills. sheets and i were totally riveted. well i was, sheets was playing his zelda ds game where link is a cartoon.
i finished my LOTR game for PSP. i had lost the PSP, but then i lost the game, then i found the psp, but no game. then i lose it again, then i find the game, then the psps is gone. then i get the psp, and the game, but no charger. then i find the chargetr then the psp and i lived happily ever after.
lol
well im going to go now, the less i think of how much if an idiot ive been, the better.
then why am i still so sad?
the fact that everybodys gonna go meet his childhood friend, and nobody told me about it because they were afraid of how id handle it didnt help either...i actually have no idea why i am as depressed as i am. i just know that i am.
all i know is that the things that make me feel better a lot of the time are essentiall emotionally killing me. i dont want them to kill me, byut they do...
and somehow, today i found out that i dont like me hair. apparently i have a vendetta against it and it slipped out today. im known for something that grows on my head that i have no control over whatsoever, and all the rest of the world gets to be recognized for what they do. i explained it to harris, and he thought i was being really self centered and a bit of an attention whore...i didnt mean to come off that way and i am sorry for all that...and then they wonder why im forever trying to atone for past sins over here,....because i am constantly annoying people and making lives more difficult somehow.
i do want to meet this girl. leaving aside what she did to the guy i kind of sort of like a little bit still, she seems lovely, if a bit metallic (lots of piercings). her names katie, and from what i hear he likes her. its a bit of a ego punch, but i can hack it. im good at stripping myself of my own dignity now. i hope i like her though, i have a thing with actually being friends with my ex's girlfriends. i think its tons of fun. harris's girlfriend, sammy, is so cool, we like her better than him. too bad she hasnt seen me when im not a total mess, she got with harris soon after i lost my mind. were cool though, so its coolness.
im kinda glad im the only one keeping this up now. that mkeans this corner of the interweb is really mine, and if people read it, so be it. if you have a problem with anything ive said, or wish to ask a question, my cyber door is wide open and ask away. and if you know me personally, you know exactly what i am talking about and if you caall me asking what this is about, im going to laugh like i havent in a long time.
on a lighter, cooler note. i got into cuny honors. i have decided to go there (st lawrence no longer worth it, with the 20000 dollar deficit and all. plus rori didnt get in, so i dont like them now.)
oh, and steve gave us all a rundown of the hills. sheets and i were totally riveted. well i was, sheets was playing his zelda ds game where link is a cartoon.
i finished my LOTR game for PSP. i had lost the PSP, but then i lost the game, then i found the psp, but no game. then i lose it again, then i find the game, then the psps is gone. then i get the psp, and the game, but no charger. then i find the chargetr then the psp and i lived happily ever after.
lol
well im going to go now, the less i think of how much if an idiot ive been, the better.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
How Strong Do You Think I Am
i dont know how long i can take this...
turns out the apology was totally fake...he then proceeded to call me every name in the book, including a slut for going as far as i did with harris...as a comeback i called him a liar...i managed to hold in the tears until he left...once he did i couldnt hold it in any longer..i just exploded with tears...all i remember thinking was how could he? then i took into account his reasoning...apparently its for everythig ive ever done to him...and as much as i wanted to hate him for what he had said, i knew there was a meaning to those words...and perhaps he was right...
i manage to calm down enough for third period, then fourth rolls around, and i run into sam (harris's girlfriend i love her so much ud think a persons ex would hate their girlfriend...sometimes i like her better than him lol) and harris...he sees me crying nearly hysterically, and he asks me what happened now...i told him as much of my conversation with him that i hadnt blocked out...he then exploded, and took sam and this girl daniella (whos forever flirting with him, earning the eternal wrath of sam...i only know her as the girl with the cool pink calculator)down to his class...they hadnt done anything when they went back to 327...im freaked out because im afraid they might actually d something to him...then fifth rolls around, then him and rori come up the stairs...to answer harris's challenge...i hadnt said a wrd to him, when he accuses me of setting harris loose on him...then rori brings to my attention that harris had done and said the same exact things, minus brining up something that was always better in the dark anyway...
well either way, im still a giant mess when i walk into psychology...kimmy and maria give me the funniest, and yet the meanest pep talk in the world...mean because it was, funny because it totally wasnt working...they were like youre way too pretty for him and hes weird...i wanted to hit them but i settled for a polite laugh...
seventh rolls around...i am required by the school to be in the same room as him...im half between berating myself for setting myself up, and hating him for meaning every word he says...i dont say a word to him...he doesnt say a word to me...when the bell rings i hear something like hes not hangning out because im going to be there...i end up going with them to wendys...on the way down out the building the frosty breach in communication suddently closes, and hes yelling at me like no tomorrow...i just like why are you talking to me its not like this is going to fix anything...i dont know what happened, somehow im hearing the same apology all over again...him saying he was mad and that he couldnt help but resent me....although that morning i had heard the word hatred...the only thing im thinking is like i havent heard this before...first he hates me, then he apologizes, thenhe haates me again, then hes apologizing again...
as of right now were on okay ground...but he said in order to make things even, id have to suffer for the same amount of time...about a year and a half for him...add on the nine and a half months of annoying harris to death, and another year of the suffering i had caused jimmy...s it appears i ave a lot of suffering to do...i wonder how much of it i can take...
plsu theres the eternal battle...to like him or not to like him...some days its worse than others, but it isnt stopping me from wanting to drop kick one of my best friends even though its retarded because the dude has no feelings for me whatsoever and this is all a moot point anyway...well im working on it...
i hate this...i hate tht i have to torture myself to save myself from future karma encounters...oh well, when college rolls around, maybe thatll absolve me eventually...
speaking of college...
I GOT INTO CUNY HONORS BROOKLYN!!! i knew those essays were gold...lol
harris (no offense) is slowly carving his way to oblivion...literally...
rori and steve have switched roles....rori is apathetic, and steve is now caring about others...he was actually listening to my tears of pain, and after
sheets is (according to me, and im pretty biased) getting tons of girl attention...that seems really stupid coming from me...cuz im a pretty jealous human being...but whatever i can hack it...
i am fine minus my insanely weird devotion to making karma go away... hope he doesnt feel guilty cuz it isnt his fault...i think i may have to do this...
turns out the apology was totally fake...he then proceeded to call me every name in the book, including a slut for going as far as i did with harris...as a comeback i called him a liar...i managed to hold in the tears until he left...once he did i couldnt hold it in any longer..i just exploded with tears...all i remember thinking was how could he? then i took into account his reasoning...apparently its for everythig ive ever done to him...and as much as i wanted to hate him for what he had said, i knew there was a meaning to those words...and perhaps he was right...
i manage to calm down enough for third period, then fourth rolls around, and i run into sam (harris's girlfriend i love her so much ud think a persons ex would hate their girlfriend...sometimes i like her better than him lol) and harris...he sees me crying nearly hysterically, and he asks me what happened now...i told him as much of my conversation with him that i hadnt blocked out...he then exploded, and took sam and this girl daniella (whos forever flirting with him, earning the eternal wrath of sam...i only know her as the girl with the cool pink calculator)down to his class...they hadnt done anything when they went back to 327...im freaked out because im afraid they might actually d something to him...then fifth rolls around, then him and rori come up the stairs...to answer harris's challenge...i hadnt said a wrd to him, when he accuses me of setting harris loose on him...then rori brings to my attention that harris had done and said the same exact things, minus brining up something that was always better in the dark anyway...
well either way, im still a giant mess when i walk into psychology...kimmy and maria give me the funniest, and yet the meanest pep talk in the world...mean because it was, funny because it totally wasnt working...they were like youre way too pretty for him and hes weird...i wanted to hit them but i settled for a polite laugh...
seventh rolls around...i am required by the school to be in the same room as him...im half between berating myself for setting myself up, and hating him for meaning every word he says...i dont say a word to him...he doesnt say a word to me...when the bell rings i hear something like hes not hangning out because im going to be there...i end up going with them to wendys...on the way down out the building the frosty breach in communication suddently closes, and hes yelling at me like no tomorrow...i just like why are you talking to me its not like this is going to fix anything...i dont know what happened, somehow im hearing the same apology all over again...him saying he was mad and that he couldnt help but resent me....although that morning i had heard the word hatred...the only thing im thinking is like i havent heard this before...first he hates me, then he apologizes, thenhe haates me again, then hes apologizing again...
as of right now were on okay ground...but he said in order to make things even, id have to suffer for the same amount of time...about a year and a half for him...add on the nine and a half months of annoying harris to death, and another year of the suffering i had caused jimmy...s it appears i ave a lot of suffering to do...i wonder how much of it i can take...
plsu theres the eternal battle...to like him or not to like him...some days its worse than others, but it isnt stopping me from wanting to drop kick one of my best friends even though its retarded because the dude has no feelings for me whatsoever and this is all a moot point anyway...well im working on it...
i hate this...i hate tht i have to torture myself to save myself from future karma encounters...oh well, when college rolls around, maybe thatll absolve me eventually...
speaking of college...
I GOT INTO CUNY HONORS BROOKLYN!!! i knew those essays were gold...lol
harris (no offense) is slowly carving his way to oblivion...literally...
rori and steve have switched roles....rori is apathetic, and steve is now caring about others...he was actually listening to my tears of pain, and after
sheets is (according to me, and im pretty biased) getting tons of girl attention...that seems really stupid coming from me...cuz im a pretty jealous human being...but whatever i can hack it...
i am fine minus my insanely weird devotion to making karma go away... hope he doesnt feel guilty cuz it isnt his fault...i think i may have to do this...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You / Beautiful Liar / Apologize
i feel lied to...betrayed, definately...hurt, quite an understatement...i took the apology, but i dnt know if it can really do anything...
long story short, sheets told me what he really thought of me...like turned to love, to resentment, to finally hatred...hatred enough to bring up a deadly secret of mine that i trusted the group with...roris never mentioned it to me, steve didnt believe it, even for harris its too low for him to use against me...but sheets brought t up, all cuz i was trying to help rori vent...hatred enough to say our entire friendship was based on lies...meaning the reasons i liked him were lies, meaning our month long thing was a lie too...
i dont like knowing ive lived a lie...i knew i was lying to myself...
and the thing was i was trying during that month to make up for all the crap i had done to him, with or without my knowledge...he looked at me and said congradulations, you failed...with this huge ass smug smile too...
so cuz we werent friends anymore, we werent speaking to each other...i was quite proud of mself too...limited tears, no real regrets about the whole thing, cuz it wasnt my fault this time, because he brought up what ginie had done to him...and blamed every bit of it on me...
we went to nintendo world...somehow, harris finds out were fighting, and he calls me, all exasperated too, like why are you two fighting...i told him what he had said to me, and suddently, his attitude changed...he actually said why are you underreacting...ha..underreacting, coming from the guy whos called me both dramaqueen and desperate...hes telling e tell him off tell him off curse him out and i tell him no...thats when he was like i give up on you...i tell him that once i seperate good sheets fro evil sheets, or reconcile the two, i may be able to do it...somehow thats when i start crying...harris actually helped me reconcile the two,but he doesnt ake me curse sheets out (thank god)...apparently, he wrote sheets a very nasty text (which i got to read) berating his character...heh...
then we go to mcdonalds....steve gets a happy meal, with the crappy spiderwick chronicles toywith the "seeing stone" which was really a peice of plastic with tiny dots on it...thats when my ipod dies...thats the first recontact sheets ade with me...the analytical side of the table stops dead...i getting pissed off, cuz hes not not talking to me like he said he was going to...considering he said our friendship was a lie and he was dropping the group starting with me...i was expecting a lot more silence than i got...
then we go to virgin mobile record store...im wondering why communications arent dead...i had honored the bar contact contract, save for some accidental responses which i directed to either rori or steve...sheets gets teh damn prizefighter inferno...im thinking well, crap, cuz the day our friendship ends he gets the cd...so i get sweeney todd to make myself feel better (btw, the worst pies in london, my friends, epiphany, and a little priest are the best songs)...which only inspires more of him talking to me...i do what i can do...completely tune him out, which i figured was what he wanted anyway...on a lighter note me, rori, and steve found cookie sutra and got hit on by a guy with a real kama sutra book...he was asking me what my favorite part was...me being an idiot played along...he wasnt a bad looking guy tho...he had cool hair...needless to say rori and steve got me out of there before he fed me rohypnol or something...
then we go to toys r us...i play ddr with steve for two rounds, then steve jumps off and lets sheets on...this alone is pissing me off cuz im like hes in my breathing space...then steve picks a song i hate, making it worse...i beat sheets though which made it better...then sheets bereates me for him being late...which really sets me off cuz if hes not talking to me, why is he yelling at me...me and steve are like what the hell is he doing...
then, on the train ride back...he starts yelling at me again...im trying to ignore him and somehow im forced to address the issue...he starts taking back what he said remark by remark...by the end of the ride hes asking for forgiveness...
what is forgiveness?
does it involve forgetting?...if it did, i wouldnt be in this situation...if it didnt, maybe it wouldnt be so hard to let it go...
does it mean thingsgo back to normal?
can i even have normal anymore?
or have i twisted everything to the point where normal no longer exists...
this dramas ben killing me...ive been killing myself...and sheets has apparently been enjoying every minute of it...it sounded like a big revenge kick to me...and that ceepy smile he gave me only made it worse...
i couldnt recncile the good joey, and the joey i saw yesterday...forgiving him means separating the two again...im wondering if its even possible anymore...i told himm iwasnt entirely over him and thre wasnt anything i could do about it...you always carry a tiny thing for your exes...and the thing yesteday helped a lot...rori atarted the percent thing...im about a 98/2...thats as good as it will get for now, and im glad i did even that much in a month...im just pissed at myself for even wasting my time with a guy who hated me the whole time...
only time will tell...i took the apology but he knows i dont trust him...i cant trust him...the only friend i ever trusted blind was the one who stabbed me, front and back, the deepest...
as of right now, ill work through this on my own...
back to sweeney todd...byers
long story short, sheets told me what he really thought of me...like turned to love, to resentment, to finally hatred...hatred enough to bring up a deadly secret of mine that i trusted the group with...roris never mentioned it to me, steve didnt believe it, even for harris its too low for him to use against me...but sheets brought t up, all cuz i was trying to help rori vent...hatred enough to say our entire friendship was based on lies...meaning the reasons i liked him were lies, meaning our month long thing was a lie too...
i dont like knowing ive lived a lie...i knew i was lying to myself...
and the thing was i was trying during that month to make up for all the crap i had done to him, with or without my knowledge...he looked at me and said congradulations, you failed...with this huge ass smug smile too...
so cuz we werent friends anymore, we werent speaking to each other...i was quite proud of mself too...limited tears, no real regrets about the whole thing, cuz it wasnt my fault this time, because he brought up what ginie had done to him...and blamed every bit of it on me...
we went to nintendo world...somehow, harris finds out were fighting, and he calls me, all exasperated too, like why are you two fighting...i told him what he had said to me, and suddently, his attitude changed...he actually said why are you underreacting...ha..underreacting, coming from the guy whos called me both dramaqueen and desperate...hes telling e tell him off tell him off curse him out and i tell him no...thats when he was like i give up on you...i tell him that once i seperate good sheets fro evil sheets, or reconcile the two, i may be able to do it...somehow thats when i start crying...harris actually helped me reconcile the two,but he doesnt ake me curse sheets out (thank god)...apparently, he wrote sheets a very nasty text (which i got to read) berating his character...heh...
then we go to mcdonalds....steve gets a happy meal, with the crappy spiderwick chronicles toywith the "seeing stone" which was really a peice of plastic with tiny dots on it...thats when my ipod dies...thats the first recontact sheets ade with me...the analytical side of the table stops dead...i getting pissed off, cuz hes not not talking to me like he said he was going to...considering he said our friendship was a lie and he was dropping the group starting with me...i was expecting a lot more silence than i got...
then we go to virgin mobile record store...im wondering why communications arent dead...i had honored the bar contact contract, save for some accidental responses which i directed to either rori or steve...sheets gets teh damn prizefighter inferno...im thinking well, crap, cuz the day our friendship ends he gets the cd...so i get sweeney todd to make myself feel better (btw, the worst pies in london, my friends, epiphany, and a little priest are the best songs)...which only inspires more of him talking to me...i do what i can do...completely tune him out, which i figured was what he wanted anyway...on a lighter note me, rori, and steve found cookie sutra and got hit on by a guy with a real kama sutra book...he was asking me what my favorite part was...me being an idiot played along...he wasnt a bad looking guy tho...he had cool hair...needless to say rori and steve got me out of there before he fed me rohypnol or something...
then we go to toys r us...i play ddr with steve for two rounds, then steve jumps off and lets sheets on...this alone is pissing me off cuz im like hes in my breathing space...then steve picks a song i hate, making it worse...i beat sheets though which made it better...then sheets bereates me for him being late...which really sets me off cuz if hes not talking to me, why is he yelling at me...me and steve are like what the hell is he doing...
then, on the train ride back...he starts yelling at me again...im trying to ignore him and somehow im forced to address the issue...he starts taking back what he said remark by remark...by the end of the ride hes asking for forgiveness...
what is forgiveness?
does it involve forgetting?...if it did, i wouldnt be in this situation...if it didnt, maybe it wouldnt be so hard to let it go...
does it mean thingsgo back to normal?
can i even have normal anymore?
or have i twisted everything to the point where normal no longer exists...
this dramas ben killing me...ive been killing myself...and sheets has apparently been enjoying every minute of it...it sounded like a big revenge kick to me...and that ceepy smile he gave me only made it worse...
i couldnt recncile the good joey, and the joey i saw yesterday...forgiving him means separating the two again...im wondering if its even possible anymore...i told himm iwasnt entirely over him and thre wasnt anything i could do about it...you always carry a tiny thing for your exes...and the thing yesteday helped a lot...rori atarted the percent thing...im about a 98/2...thats as good as it will get for now, and im glad i did even that much in a month...im just pissed at myself for even wasting my time with a guy who hated me the whole time...
only time will tell...i took the apology but he knows i dont trust him...i cant trust him...the only friend i ever trusted blind was the one who stabbed me, front and back, the deepest...
as of right now, ill work through this on my own...
back to sweeney todd...byers
Sunday, March 2, 2008
With A Little Help From My Friends
well, im no longer allowed at sheets house...AGAIN...
i came out of hi house reeking like smoke and spend a good 24 hours trying to clear my name...my mom means well, but now she doesnt trust me because she thinks im lying to cover for someone....which im not...
bleck...and she accused me of going out with sheets behind her back...way to tug at the strings connected to the worst parts of my heart...lol...she doesnt see how sheets could turn me down flat (she said it worse and those were her words and im pissed at them)...
im eighteen, i dont wanna be a pastors child anymore...
well, thats the past, as is me bitching over the sheets thing...i know when im fighting a losing battle...plus im sort of enjoying singlehood now...idk why, its just less stressful in a way...
plus ive been having a blast with sheets in a friend way...yesterday we were all at the mall and me and him went to like five stores that sold games all over the queens center mall area...it was singlehandedly one of the most fun things i had ever done in a while...then when we finally fin a store with the game, the game is opened, he panicks, he doesnt buy it and we walk out, him apologizing for dragging me around, me laughing hysterically saying it was fun...
steve and harris are dating again...steve, a girl named colleen, who is either not as evil as she is, or not as nice as she seems...either one is pretty scary
harris, a girl named samantha (hereafter known as sam)...i love her shes awesome...you would think as an ex girlfriend, im not sposed to like her, but i do...shes fun...too bad him going out with her pisses jimmy off too...he was ranting how harris doesnt deserve to be happy...apparenly he still loves me, and he wanted to get with her too...idk...
well hes in the cast now...this should be a lovely show now...hopefully no one actually becomes deaf blind and dumb cuz of violence...
anyhoo, ive been feeling a lot better about the whole thing, considering now i know where i stand...and rori and harris have been awesome in helping me through the whole thing...well, harris when hes not busy lol...annelis was awesome too, cuz she istened and let me cry it out, which i guess i really need to do sometimes...i guess if i dont regularly i take it out on people i shouldnt and get them mad...
plus, i wanna distace myself from the pastor child image harris has constantly labeled me with...i am ver sorry, but i dont wanna be that girl anymore...i wanna grow up finally...
anyhoo, were gonna get to see a show for english class soon which is awesome...yay...rori and steve are coming...
harris isnt going abck to church anymore...he thinks the lord will smite him once he alks back in, plus with his rather...ahem, "out" there myspace that lots of people see, he thinks hes outed himself to the whole church...plus he raises the question of brainwashing...i wuldnt go tat far, but i do subscribe to the theory of slight hypocrisy among the people...which ire ally hate to say, conidering i grew up with them...
well i gotta go...writing this in my current location was kinda risky, let alone danerous...so bye
i came out of hi house reeking like smoke and spend a good 24 hours trying to clear my name...my mom means well, but now she doesnt trust me because she thinks im lying to cover for someone....which im not...
bleck...and she accused me of going out with sheets behind her back...way to tug at the strings connected to the worst parts of my heart...lol...she doesnt see how sheets could turn me down flat (she said it worse and those were her words and im pissed at them)...
im eighteen, i dont wanna be a pastors child anymore...
well, thats the past, as is me bitching over the sheets thing...i know when im fighting a losing battle...plus im sort of enjoying singlehood now...idk why, its just less stressful in a way...
plus ive been having a blast with sheets in a friend way...yesterday we were all at the mall and me and him went to like five stores that sold games all over the queens center mall area...it was singlehandedly one of the most fun things i had ever done in a while...then when we finally fin a store with the game, the game is opened, he panicks, he doesnt buy it and we walk out, him apologizing for dragging me around, me laughing hysterically saying it was fun...
steve and harris are dating again...steve, a girl named colleen, who is either not as evil as she is, or not as nice as she seems...either one is pretty scary
harris, a girl named samantha (hereafter known as sam)...i love her shes awesome...you would think as an ex girlfriend, im not sposed to like her, but i do...shes fun...too bad him going out with her pisses jimmy off too...he was ranting how harris doesnt deserve to be happy...apparenly he still loves me, and he wanted to get with her too...idk...
well hes in the cast now...this should be a lovely show now...hopefully no one actually becomes deaf blind and dumb cuz of violence...
anyhoo, ive been feeling a lot better about the whole thing, considering now i know where i stand...and rori and harris have been awesome in helping me through the whole thing...well, harris when hes not busy lol...annelis was awesome too, cuz she istened and let me cry it out, which i guess i really need to do sometimes...i guess if i dont regularly i take it out on people i shouldnt and get them mad...
plus, i wanna distace myself from the pastor child image harris has constantly labeled me with...i am ver sorry, but i dont wanna be that girl anymore...i wanna grow up finally...
anyhoo, were gonna get to see a show for english class soon which is awesome...yay...rori and steve are coming...
harris isnt going abck to church anymore...he thinks the lord will smite him once he alks back in, plus with his rather...ahem, "out" there myspace that lots of people see, he thinks hes outed himself to the whole church...plus he raises the question of brainwashing...i wuldnt go tat far, but i do subscribe to the theory of slight hypocrisy among the people...which ire ally hate to say, conidering i grew up with them...
well i gotta go...writing this in my current location was kinda risky, let alone danerous...so bye
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Suffering / Too Little Too Late
i think im finally going to realize all the pain that im going to experience in the near future...and all the pain ive caused sheets ovver the last year or so...
before i get into that, ill get into the events of the last couple of days...not just me, but everyone...
harris has been getting over alan from what i understand...hes been doing a good job too, im really impressed with how hes doing actually...i wish i could get over a guy like he does...
steve has found a girl whos probably more analytical than he is...and when the time came to answer her, her best freiend write on his hand "work by emotion, not by logic"...that little junior girl had him pegged...(shes the valedictorian, and shes good with people, bleck im jealous)...steves girl in question's name is colleen, according to others, shes quite cold and mean...the only contact i ever had with her was math class first term junior year, when she gave me her homework to copy every day...im probably the only one without a real issue with her...rori's handling it pretty well actually...
im so jealous of them all...all of them getting over their past loves and crap...all of them getting on with their lives...i wish i could...
i dont wanna cry over this anymore...i hate talking about it, but i know if i dont its just going to eat away at me...
yesterday i kinda broke down again...and kinda got the feeling that he doesnt like me anymore...if anything, thats a pretty safe bet...see, we got into a weird not talking phase in which sheets decides to totally ignore me, then throws in my face that i had done that once...then implies that he liked somebody else (or likes somebody else)...after he explains who she is (noelle, cool girl, just broke up with an ex during christmas break) he explains that shes talking about another guy alot and that it wasnt really worht it (something like that)...thats when i burst into tears (yet again) and ask what the hell am i waiting for, and he says he doesnt know (yet AGAIN)...rori and steve end up going to the food court and me and sheets go to target (btw someone help me find a preety itouch case please)...before that happened i remember something about saying i was here...and then he said something like but you were different then...i think thats proof enough that he doesnt like me...then why am i still sticking around for more torture...
anyhow..after the target extravaganza, in which i got a lovely display of sheets's indecision ( it is really bad...dvd or cd, cd or dvd...dear lord it was sick lol) we went back to the food court...while waiting for rori and steve to get back, we were all ipod listening to and stuff...coheed and cambria actually, i love them now...and i just blurted out the question...what the hell am i waiting for?
i think im just waiting for more hurting...and everyday i talk to him only makes me like him more...even the damn indecisions growing on me...it gets annoying after awhile but its growing on me...i know i jumped the gun on the love thing, buit i think i could if i was given the chance...too bad he doesnt seem like he wants the chance...or me to be exact...
i asked him if he thought olsi was right when he said hed regret losing me...he said he didnt know (somehting about how he was afriaid of those words)...in theory, when a person says that they dont know if theyd regret losing you , they mean that they dont forsee anything with you...once that gets ingrained in my head, i might be able to look at another person...
i gotta get over this...my sanity's at stake...literally...
i dont know what to do anymore...whether to continue on a small chance, or let go now...i wanna let go...most of me is telling me to let go...but something pulls me back everytime...i dont even think he sees all the good in himself...he should though...hes a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him...too bad i was too late...
i wrote a letter to him on my ipod...its a bit long and im still working on it...its not so much to let him read as much to figure out what the hells going on on my end of this rather sick arangement...i want some answers...
i wanna stop feeling crappy about myself...
i remember him saying at least with you there was a chance...maybe hes saying there isnt a chance at all...i also remember him sayinng his sister didnt like me...i could totally understand why though, what with me going out with him and putting him through absolute hell...
i wanna make this up to him...
before i get into that, ill get into the events of the last couple of days...not just me, but everyone...
harris has been getting over alan from what i understand...hes been doing a good job too, im really impressed with how hes doing actually...i wish i could get over a guy like he does...
steve has found a girl whos probably more analytical than he is...and when the time came to answer her, her best freiend write on his hand "work by emotion, not by logic"...that little junior girl had him pegged...(shes the valedictorian, and shes good with people, bleck im jealous)...steves girl in question's name is colleen, according to others, shes quite cold and mean...the only contact i ever had with her was math class first term junior year, when she gave me her homework to copy every day...im probably the only one without a real issue with her...rori's handling it pretty well actually...
im so jealous of them all...all of them getting over their past loves and crap...all of them getting on with their lives...i wish i could...
i dont wanna cry over this anymore...i hate talking about it, but i know if i dont its just going to eat away at me...
yesterday i kinda broke down again...and kinda got the feeling that he doesnt like me anymore...if anything, thats a pretty safe bet...see, we got into a weird not talking phase in which sheets decides to totally ignore me, then throws in my face that i had done that once...then implies that he liked somebody else (or likes somebody else)...after he explains who she is (noelle, cool girl, just broke up with an ex during christmas break) he explains that shes talking about another guy alot and that it wasnt really worht it (something like that)...thats when i burst into tears (yet again) and ask what the hell am i waiting for, and he says he doesnt know (yet AGAIN)...rori and steve end up going to the food court and me and sheets go to target (btw someone help me find a preety itouch case please)...before that happened i remember something about saying i was here...and then he said something like but you were different then...i think thats proof enough that he doesnt like me...then why am i still sticking around for more torture...
anyhow..after the target extravaganza, in which i got a lovely display of sheets's indecision ( it is really bad...dvd or cd, cd or dvd...dear lord it was sick lol) we went back to the food court...while waiting for rori and steve to get back, we were all ipod listening to and stuff...coheed and cambria actually, i love them now...and i just blurted out the question...what the hell am i waiting for?
i think im just waiting for more hurting...and everyday i talk to him only makes me like him more...even the damn indecisions growing on me...it gets annoying after awhile but its growing on me...i know i jumped the gun on the love thing, buit i think i could if i was given the chance...too bad he doesnt seem like he wants the chance...or me to be exact...
i asked him if he thought olsi was right when he said hed regret losing me...he said he didnt know (somehting about how he was afriaid of those words)...in theory, when a person says that they dont know if theyd regret losing you , they mean that they dont forsee anything with you...once that gets ingrained in my head, i might be able to look at another person...
i gotta get over this...my sanity's at stake...literally...
i dont know what to do anymore...whether to continue on a small chance, or let go now...i wanna let go...most of me is telling me to let go...but something pulls me back everytime...i dont even think he sees all the good in himself...he should though...hes a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him...too bad i was too late...
i wrote a letter to him on my ipod...its a bit long and im still working on it...its not so much to let him read as much to figure out what the hells going on on my end of this rather sick arangement...i want some answers...
i wanna stop feeling crappy about myself...
i remember him saying at least with you there was a chance...maybe hes saying there isnt a chance at all...i also remember him sayinng his sister didnt like me...i could totally understand why though, what with me going out with him and putting him through absolute hell...
i wanna make this up to him...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Afterword
okay, anybody who reads this with an itouch, teach me how to sign in to the internet on the damn thing....for this i woulda gotten the 8gig nano and saved some birthday money, but i wanted the internet...
the itouch is a freaking dream by the way...i lost all my album art though...thats the only bad thing, but honestly i love the damn thing it is my freaking baby and i love it...either i am not going out today or i am on a quest for a protector thingy..preferably green...like a cute green case would be awesome...green is my favorite color you know...its awesome...its not too bright like red or too dark like blue...(sry people who say those are their favorites lol)...and it isnt too light yellow lol...i like all them colors but green is my favorite...lol...
so yea, someone help me with my pioneering technology please.
thank you...
by the way, im feeling a bit better...but i havent seen him since i got my itouch...
he doesnt have to give me a definite answer now, because i know he isnt ready...i just want to know that im not waiting around for nothing...i dont mine inward torture unless it pays off in the end...and normally i wont put myself through this, but now i am...either because im really emo now, or cuz i think hes honest to god worth the wait...
maybe my mom is right...maybe i have been devaluing myself...i dont know how to see myself has the person i always was...or maybe still am...maybe the change in me when i was with sheets was me devaluing myself...i dont wanna devalue myself anymore...im not gonna be conceited or anything, but everybody's worth something...
at the same time, i think if i give up on this and stop waiting, ill lose out somehow...my relationships all go south, but i know how to pick them...with jimmy, part of it was my mom, but it was because i got freaked about a lot of things...one, he said he loved me and i was like no way...plus the creepy crawly feeling for harris werent helping...speaking of harris (whose doing better from the alan thing btw im actually really proud of my bmcc bound brother...i may be getting a baby brother but hes still a brother to me)...things went south cuz we fought like absolute hell and that opened the door to other problems...the thing with sheets went wrong cuz of reasons mentioned in earlier blogs that escepe me now...
i am not going to say i need a relationship, because i dont...if anything im enjoying my first single month in a little over a year...i dont know what the hell im waiting for and i think ive cried a whole lot, but i like it better than not knowing that i made a change or yelling at someone...
maybe in high school, you dont need so much commitment....maybe u just want someone whos there for you...
anyhoo imma leave now cuz i really have to wait for the meter guy and my ipod and the tv is going to make it vvery hard to hear the bell...
bye
the itouch is a freaking dream by the way...i lost all my album art though...thats the only bad thing, but honestly i love the damn thing it is my freaking baby and i love it...either i am not going out today or i am on a quest for a protector thingy..preferably green...like a cute green case would be awesome...green is my favorite color you know...its awesome...its not too bright like red or too dark like blue...(sry people who say those are their favorites lol)...and it isnt too light yellow lol...i like all them colors but green is my favorite...lol...
so yea, someone help me with my pioneering technology please.
thank you...
by the way, im feeling a bit better...but i havent seen him since i got my itouch...
he doesnt have to give me a definite answer now, because i know he isnt ready...i just want to know that im not waiting around for nothing...i dont mine inward torture unless it pays off in the end...and normally i wont put myself through this, but now i am...either because im really emo now, or cuz i think hes honest to god worth the wait...
maybe my mom is right...maybe i have been devaluing myself...i dont know how to see myself has the person i always was...or maybe still am...maybe the change in me when i was with sheets was me devaluing myself...i dont wanna devalue myself anymore...im not gonna be conceited or anything, but everybody's worth something...
at the same time, i think if i give up on this and stop waiting, ill lose out somehow...my relationships all go south, but i know how to pick them...with jimmy, part of it was my mom, but it was because i got freaked about a lot of things...one, he said he loved me and i was like no way...plus the creepy crawly feeling for harris werent helping...speaking of harris (whose doing better from the alan thing btw im actually really proud of my bmcc bound brother...i may be getting a baby brother but hes still a brother to me)...things went south cuz we fought like absolute hell and that opened the door to other problems...the thing with sheets went wrong cuz of reasons mentioned in earlier blogs that escepe me now...
i am not going to say i need a relationship, because i dont...if anything im enjoying my first single month in a little over a year...i dont know what the hell im waiting for and i think ive cried a whole lot, but i like it better than not knowing that i made a change or yelling at someone...
maybe in high school, you dont need so much commitment....maybe u just want someone whos there for you...
anyhoo imma leave now cuz i really have to wait for the meter guy and my ipod and the tv is going to make it vvery hard to hear the bell...
bye
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Stuck
why do i ask for misery, then when i am miserable, i blame others?
i know ive been down for the last couple of weeks, but yesterday i found out where my misery is leading...most likely...more misery...
well yesterday, me, rori, and sheets, head down to manhattan for a day of shopping and looking at crap...(on a lighter note, i have an 8gig itouch! w00t! too bad my acroos the universe musica didnt go through yet...bleck)...among other things, we went to a libretto store, pried sheets away from the nederlander (it houses rent, but not for long)...took pics of the walls, and went from store to store looking for anywhere that sold an 8gig itouch...
well, throughout the whole day, sheets was acting like really close with me and stuff, to the point where rori was like stop flirting...when they leave i find a text on my phone saying im not ready for a relationship sorry i led you on (paraphrasing)...i was like huh, then i was like wow...i dont even wanna ask what hes figured out yet, either because hes gonna be like ive fgured out your a collosal bitch (i wouldnt be altoghether surprised..hurt, not surprised) or cuz hes gonna say ive figured out a grand total of nothing...i think its both actually...
i dont know whether to hang on to this a little longer or spare myself now...the thing is, everytime i make some progress...i lose it all...
rori said something about look at other ppl...i realized at the dance that i cant...i cant do it...one, scoping out guys was never me and whenever people do it, it makes me mad, people arent chunks of meat)...two...i cant look at anybody else when i like someone...especially as much as i do now...
at the same time...i dont wanna get led on...i may have been davaluing myself for a long time, but normally i draw the line at getting led on...its been done to me before i hate it...and when someone comes to me saying i led them on i have no idea what they're talking about because i never mean to do it...rori said something about me leading people on...thats why i say that...
anyhow...ill be okay hopefully...ill pull through alright...scarred, but alright...normally, i do...then again this hasnt been a normal case for me...
i am on a quest to stop thinking...maybe i need to turn my brain off...considering rori and sheets are forever insinuating that analytical peole dont have feelings...
honestly, i dont think im analytical anymore....i think im a mix now...im this oddmix of analyist and emotionalist, and there fighting to see which is dominant...the analytical side of me is probably the calm side of me that kicked in when rori and marina sat me down on my sixth month anniversary and told me everything...my emotinal side apparently just came back from tahiti...and its really been putting in overtime to make up for all of that time missed...and if i were a differnt kind of a person in a different kind of situation, id welcome this opprtunity to get in touch with my feelings...but being me, and dealing with this...i wanna ake sense of this, and my analytical side has been trying, but the emotional side knows how to mess up my logic and turn this into something ive neverdealt with before...
if a guy doesnt want me, i know how to let that go...why cant i now?
gonna go mess with my pioneering technology now
oh...and as for my brother, he comes in nine months, but not before doctors make sure we are all healthy...were talking full physical...bleck...byebye fluids...
i know ive been down for the last couple of weeks, but yesterday i found out where my misery is leading...most likely...more misery...
well yesterday, me, rori, and sheets, head down to manhattan for a day of shopping and looking at crap...(on a lighter note, i have an 8gig itouch! w00t! too bad my acroos the universe musica didnt go through yet...bleck)...among other things, we went to a libretto store, pried sheets away from the nederlander (it houses rent, but not for long)...took pics of the walls, and went from store to store looking for anywhere that sold an 8gig itouch...
well, throughout the whole day, sheets was acting like really close with me and stuff, to the point where rori was like stop flirting...when they leave i find a text on my phone saying im not ready for a relationship sorry i led you on (paraphrasing)...i was like huh, then i was like wow...i dont even wanna ask what hes figured out yet, either because hes gonna be like ive fgured out your a collosal bitch (i wouldnt be altoghether surprised..hurt, not surprised) or cuz hes gonna say ive figured out a grand total of nothing...i think its both actually...
i dont know whether to hang on to this a little longer or spare myself now...the thing is, everytime i make some progress...i lose it all...
rori said something about look at other ppl...i realized at the dance that i cant...i cant do it...one, scoping out guys was never me and whenever people do it, it makes me mad, people arent chunks of meat)...two...i cant look at anybody else when i like someone...especially as much as i do now...
at the same time...i dont wanna get led on...i may have been davaluing myself for a long time, but normally i draw the line at getting led on...its been done to me before i hate it...and when someone comes to me saying i led them on i have no idea what they're talking about because i never mean to do it...rori said something about me leading people on...thats why i say that...
anyhow...ill be okay hopefully...ill pull through alright...scarred, but alright...normally, i do...then again this hasnt been a normal case for me...
i am on a quest to stop thinking...maybe i need to turn my brain off...considering rori and sheets are forever insinuating that analytical peole dont have feelings...
honestly, i dont think im analytical anymore....i think im a mix now...im this oddmix of analyist and emotionalist, and there fighting to see which is dominant...the analytical side of me is probably the calm side of me that kicked in when rori and marina sat me down on my sixth month anniversary and told me everything...my emotinal side apparently just came back from tahiti...and its really been putting in overtime to make up for all of that time missed...and if i were a differnt kind of a person in a different kind of situation, id welcome this opprtunity to get in touch with my feelings...but being me, and dealing with this...i wanna ake sense of this, and my analytical side has been trying, but the emotional side knows how to mess up my logic and turn this into something ive neverdealt with before...
if a guy doesnt want me, i know how to let that go...why cant i now?
gonna go mess with my pioneering technology now
oh...and as for my brother, he comes in nine months, but not before doctors make sure we are all healthy...were talking full physical...bleck...byebye fluids...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Dance, Dance / Hate That I Love You
i got some news...I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!!!...my dad finally got his kid....his name is daniel alfredo and i am so going to show my friends his picture...
i read sheets' blog just now...i guess the details are here i guess...oh well...
i was just talking to my very wise freshman friend rebecca and she told me i should date outside my friend circle...because where has it gotten me...a bisexual ex boyfriend and a best friend that you yourself drove away...and all you want sometimes is for him to see you as the peson you are, and not compare you to the person you were...because your past really can change you...and im trying to get my old self back, and i think i may have her back, but its hard when u make all this progress, then you start hanging out with the guy again, and you backtrack to where you were before...i kinda enjoy the fact that he didnt mention my clinginess and kleptoness (which is really just grabbiness, klepto only has to do if u keep the stuff, but whatever) and the fact that i may have just driven him away with all of my freaking issues, and the fact that i was fighting with harris in the beginning, and in florida in the end...damn there really was no way to save it was there?...i may not be ready for a relationship either, cosidering this is taking such a toll on me...
im halfway between jumping for joy at the prospect of a sibling, and bursting into tears because of the crap ive walked into...
ive been talking to olsi, liza santana's (wonderful singer) boyfriend...and he was telling me that sheets would regret all of this...i honestly dont think so...if he didnt regret breaking up with me, i dont know if he wouldnt regret cutting all ties altogether...i remember him saying he would regret it if he let it go...i dont know though, personally, i think hes a lot better of a person than me, considering i didnt see him break once when the roles were switched...once, twice tops...meanwhile, if im not crying im visibly sad, so much so that my mother has taken notice...
i dont know how to get my analytical streak back...ive had my run in with emotions, and i dont like it...i cant pull off the happy mask...it breaks when i put it on...i can pull off totally numb, but not happy...and numb makes people watch, cuz numb has never been me...
i hate this....i hate the fact that this one thing has taken over my life...i hate that all of the progress i make goes to shit when i hang out with him, i hate the fact that my timing absolutely sucks, i hate that when i talk to people aboout this, i must sound pathetic...my timing really does suck, considering as hes all done and moving on, i get stuck on him worse than anything else...i hate the fact that none of my reasoning applies to this situation...that anything else ive talke myself out of...i cant do it this time..eitther its cuz ive gotten stupider or my brain has decided that this is a guy worth torturing myself over...he could be worth torturing myself over...he sorta did the same thing in a way...but theres kind of a difference...he wanted out, i dont...
i cant believe i just said that...i cant believe i just admitted that i kinda dont want to get over him cuz i like him...it would probably be better for me if i did get over him though...ill see what happens...if events take a turn for the worse and i feel like slitting my throat, ill try alot harder at getting over him...
the schools dance was yesterday...i learned how to dance like normal people do...praying to god nobody got pictures of that...i may have gotten a little carried away, considering i was hurting considerably and the fact that it got fun after awhile...
anyhoo...im going to go play some more mercury...more on my brother as it unfolds...
i read sheets' blog just now...i guess the details are here i guess...oh well...
i was just talking to my very wise freshman friend rebecca and she told me i should date outside my friend circle...because where has it gotten me...a bisexual ex boyfriend and a best friend that you yourself drove away...and all you want sometimes is for him to see you as the peson you are, and not compare you to the person you were...because your past really can change you...and im trying to get my old self back, and i think i may have her back, but its hard when u make all this progress, then you start hanging out with the guy again, and you backtrack to where you were before...i kinda enjoy the fact that he didnt mention my clinginess and kleptoness (which is really just grabbiness, klepto only has to do if u keep the stuff, but whatever) and the fact that i may have just driven him away with all of my freaking issues, and the fact that i was fighting with harris in the beginning, and in florida in the end...damn there really was no way to save it was there?...i may not be ready for a relationship either, cosidering this is taking such a toll on me...
im halfway between jumping for joy at the prospect of a sibling, and bursting into tears because of the crap ive walked into...
ive been talking to olsi, liza santana's (wonderful singer) boyfriend...and he was telling me that sheets would regret all of this...i honestly dont think so...if he didnt regret breaking up with me, i dont know if he wouldnt regret cutting all ties altogether...i remember him saying he would regret it if he let it go...i dont know though, personally, i think hes a lot better of a person than me, considering i didnt see him break once when the roles were switched...once, twice tops...meanwhile, if im not crying im visibly sad, so much so that my mother has taken notice...
i dont know how to get my analytical streak back...ive had my run in with emotions, and i dont like it...i cant pull off the happy mask...it breaks when i put it on...i can pull off totally numb, but not happy...and numb makes people watch, cuz numb has never been me...
i hate this....i hate the fact that this one thing has taken over my life...i hate that all of the progress i make goes to shit when i hang out with him, i hate the fact that my timing absolutely sucks, i hate that when i talk to people aboout this, i must sound pathetic...my timing really does suck, considering as hes all done and moving on, i get stuck on him worse than anything else...i hate the fact that none of my reasoning applies to this situation...that anything else ive talke myself out of...i cant do it this time..eitther its cuz ive gotten stupider or my brain has decided that this is a guy worth torturing myself over...he could be worth torturing myself over...he sorta did the same thing in a way...but theres kind of a difference...he wanted out, i dont...
i cant believe i just said that...i cant believe i just admitted that i kinda dont want to get over him cuz i like him...it would probably be better for me if i did get over him though...ill see what happens...if events take a turn for the worse and i feel like slitting my throat, ill try alot harder at getting over him...
the schools dance was yesterday...i learned how to dance like normal people do...praying to god nobody got pictures of that...i may have gotten a little carried away, considering i was hurting considerably and the fact that it got fun after awhile...
anyhoo...im going to go play some more mercury...more on my brother as it unfolds...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
My Junk
hey...sry sheets i stole your title...but it works for my blog lol...
well, heres wats gone down lately...im going to write about what ive seen on other blogs...harris imma recap here sorry...
harris has been really into this guy alan...whos an ass to him but other than that honestly isnt too bad of a guy...hes pretty manipulative tho...and from what ive heard, a guy in clover likes him...i think his name is ronald...ive seen him...a rather tall dude with the classic "i like guys" voice...along with that new clover face is a guy named jake...he claims to be straight but everybody else thinks hes bi cuz he keeps going off with alan or something like that dont quote me on this...all i have to say on this is that harris is way too good for alan, and anybody would be totally lucky to have him, and id set him up if i felt like talking to anyone else besides my group friends and the select few outside of my closest friends...lol...
i admire rori...i think she has to be one of the strongest people i know, and im happy shes my friend..shes been working on mrs walker and doing a lovely job with it...i am painfully happy with what i got when it comes to casting...i get the best song in the show...its called pinball wizard...
steve has his own problems...not quite sure wha they are and how theyre panning out, but i know i dont have the right or the information to talk about this learnedly.
as for me, im trying to put the peices back together...nd trying to put the puzzle together, considering he said he doesnt know what hes gonna do...i have no problem waiting and stuff...i just wanna make sure im waiting for something and that im gonna get hurt waiting for it...we ended up having a big discussion about it, involving me crying a lot, both of us apologizing a lot, and him saying i dont know a lot...i dont know whats gonna happen...he did say he still likes me, just not as much...i just wanna know if im waiting for something to happen thats not going to happen...i like him tho...and i know i can wait around for awhile...because i do think hes worth the wait (and i dont mean just now)...but is the wait gonna pay off?
i dont know anymore...olsi was like i can set u up and he said that in front of him i was like no im okay like twice...then liza asked me and i aid thx, but no thx...i think i found a really good guy..hell, he prolly found me...
is it smart to wait around for a really good guy on the basis of a 60/40 chance?
i guess ill find out...
this is whats been hapening in my life so far...
well, heres wats gone down lately...im going to write about what ive seen on other blogs...harris imma recap here sorry...
harris has been really into this guy alan...whos an ass to him but other than that honestly isnt too bad of a guy...hes pretty manipulative tho...and from what ive heard, a guy in clover likes him...i think his name is ronald...ive seen him...a rather tall dude with the classic "i like guys" voice...along with that new clover face is a guy named jake...he claims to be straight but everybody else thinks hes bi cuz he keeps going off with alan or something like that dont quote me on this...all i have to say on this is that harris is way too good for alan, and anybody would be totally lucky to have him, and id set him up if i felt like talking to anyone else besides my group friends and the select few outside of my closest friends...lol...
i admire rori...i think she has to be one of the strongest people i know, and im happy shes my friend..shes been working on mrs walker and doing a lovely job with it...i am painfully happy with what i got when it comes to casting...i get the best song in the show...its called pinball wizard...
steve has his own problems...not quite sure wha they are and how theyre panning out, but i know i dont have the right or the information to talk about this learnedly.
as for me, im trying to put the peices back together...nd trying to put the puzzle together, considering he said he doesnt know what hes gonna do...i have no problem waiting and stuff...i just wanna make sure im waiting for something and that im gonna get hurt waiting for it...we ended up having a big discussion about it, involving me crying a lot, both of us apologizing a lot, and him saying i dont know a lot...i dont know whats gonna happen...he did say he still likes me, just not as much...i just wanna know if im waiting for something to happen thats not going to happen...i like him tho...and i know i can wait around for awhile...because i do think hes worth the wait (and i dont mean just now)...but is the wait gonna pay off?
i dont know anymore...olsi was like i can set u up and he said that in front of him i was like no im okay like twice...then liza asked me and i aid thx, but no thx...i think i found a really good guy..hell, he prolly found me...
is it smart to wait around for a really good guy on the basis of a 60/40 chance?
i guess ill find out...
this is whats been hapening in my life so far...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Kryptonite
This is a bit surreal...updating my blog from a cell phone...steves to be exact...
Sheets did in fact say no...honestly I can't blame him...lol...I'm okay with it, cuz were friends and he said when he's ready, its an option....the question is...how long should I wait?
I really do like him, that much I know...but rori said something like a 60/40 ratio...do I stick it out for a ratio that doesn't favor me as much as it does? Ill never know I guess...I wanna stick it out...but I don't know if what I want to do is what's gonna kill me...
I'm walking with harris,steve, and the object of harris's affections...who's rather mean to him...whatever...
I don't know what I'm gonna do about this...the best I can do now is wait it out for now and see what happens...and try to fix all my flaws so I don't screw up later
Whixh brings me to my big question...
Can people really, honestly change without any trace of the unwanted quality?
Its snowing outside so ill post this and come back to it later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey...my hair literally got frozen outside..and now im cold and sick and achy...snow is worth it tho i guess...
so yea...do you think people can really change? i asked harris, rori, steve, and sheets, in no particular order..here is what they said...dont quote me im going on memory
harris said a person can change, as long as they try really really hard and have the willpower to change for the better, you can...rori said you are who you are, and not much will change that...steve said flat out no, and in my case its worse in a way, cuz its so ingrained and its a part of me...i asked sheets flat out can people change, he said yes...then he said he didnt mean it as a shot at me....if anything thats quite encourgaging...the person ur trying to show that u can change says that people are capable of changing...i dont want to ask how that would be a shot at me...im afraid im just gonna get my feelings hurt...and i do have to be a lot stronger than i have been in order to get myself thru this...to get myself thru the self taught therapy im throwing on myself, specifically for my own improvement...this is more for me than for him though...this is something i have to do, and whatever happens with him happens...but if it does happen, i wann be a better person...not jut for him, but for me too...
anyhoo...on to lighter matters...
i may never have a math class again...all hail mr qualls...
mr green is a very wise man...
liza santana thinks my eyes are burgundy...and i love the song pinball wizard...
thats it for now...byers
Sheets did in fact say no...honestly I can't blame him...lol...I'm okay with it, cuz were friends and he said when he's ready, its an option....the question is...how long should I wait?
I really do like him, that much I know...but rori said something like a 60/40 ratio...do I stick it out for a ratio that doesn't favor me as much as it does? Ill never know I guess...I wanna stick it out...but I don't know if what I want to do is what's gonna kill me...
I'm walking with harris,steve, and the object of harris's affections...who's rather mean to him...whatever...
I don't know what I'm gonna do about this...the best I can do now is wait it out for now and see what happens...and try to fix all my flaws so I don't screw up later
Whixh brings me to my big question...
Can people really, honestly change without any trace of the unwanted quality?
Its snowing outside so ill post this and come back to it later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey...my hair literally got frozen outside..and now im cold and sick and achy...snow is worth it tho i guess...
so yea...do you think people can really change? i asked harris, rori, steve, and sheets, in no particular order..here is what they said...dont quote me im going on memory
harris said a person can change, as long as they try really really hard and have the willpower to change for the better, you can...rori said you are who you are, and not much will change that...steve said flat out no, and in my case its worse in a way, cuz its so ingrained and its a part of me...i asked sheets flat out can people change, he said yes...then he said he didnt mean it as a shot at me....if anything thats quite encourgaging...the person ur trying to show that u can change says that people are capable of changing...i dont want to ask how that would be a shot at me...im afraid im just gonna get my feelings hurt...and i do have to be a lot stronger than i have been in order to get myself thru this...to get myself thru the self taught therapy im throwing on myself, specifically for my own improvement...this is more for me than for him though...this is something i have to do, and whatever happens with him happens...but if it does happen, i wann be a better person...not jut for him, but for me too...
anyhoo...on to lighter matters...
i may never have a math class again...all hail mr qualls...
mr green is a very wise man...
liza santana thinks my eyes are burgundy...and i love the song pinball wizard...
thats it for now...byers
Monday, February 11, 2008
Wake Up Call
sheets said he had an answer...i get to either bevery happy or ery sad tomorrow...imma prepare for the worst...thaat prolly whats gonna happen anyway...i have a knack for that i guess....
the thing is either way im still gonna like him a lot...and itll suck that a guy i really really like wont give me another chance or anything...i hate this...not knowing...and i didnt wanna rush him, but sort of confiding in harris and his yelling doesnt help
i never meant to make him feel bad...if anything all i want is to encourage him and crap...i just end p saying the wrong thing all the time...i want him to give me another chance...but i guessi just have to realize that that may not happen...i have to make my peace with that, or im gonna end up shooting myself...i really do ike him though...and itl hurt if it doesnt wrk out but as log as hes happy, it may not be so bad for me...
i do have to be single for now tho...
the tihng is...i actually get nervous around him sometimes...even jealous a bit...not too much tho...
im afraid of what im gonna hear tomorrow...im afraid im gonna get hurt...cuz i stuck it out this long...and i screwed it up ith him, and i dont wanna screw it up again...i really like him, and i wanna get it right...
that is, if i get the chance...i dont think i will tho...and the sick thing is that i tried to become the person i was...the person he liked before i got screwed up by the guys before him...idk what im gonna hear tomorow, but i hope he gives me another chance...
hopefully ill get one...but considering ive hurt him so much, i dont deserve it...i prolly dont deserve a guy like sheets...i guess caring, sweet guys are out of my league now...
oh well...at least ive learned my lesson...never let a good guy slip through, cuz ull regret it eventually...
thats it for now...expect a big blog tomorrow...bye...
the thing is either way im still gonna like him a lot...and itll suck that a guy i really really like wont give me another chance or anything...i hate this...not knowing...and i didnt wanna rush him, but sort of confiding in harris and his yelling doesnt help
i never meant to make him feel bad...if anything all i want is to encourage him and crap...i just end p saying the wrong thing all the time...i want him to give me another chance...but i guessi just have to realize that that may not happen...i have to make my peace with that, or im gonna end up shooting myself...i really do ike him though...and itl hurt if it doesnt wrk out but as log as hes happy, it may not be so bad for me...
i do have to be single for now tho...
the tihng is...i actually get nervous around him sometimes...even jealous a bit...not too much tho...
im afraid of what im gonna hear tomorrow...im afraid im gonna get hurt...cuz i stuck it out this long...and i screwed it up ith him, and i dont wanna screw it up again...i really like him, and i wanna get it right...
that is, if i get the chance...i dont think i will tho...and the sick thing is that i tried to become the person i was...the person he liked before i got screwed up by the guys before him...idk what im gonna hear tomorow, but i hope he gives me another chance...
hopefully ill get one...but considering ive hurt him so much, i dont deserve it...i prolly dont deserve a guy like sheets...i guess caring, sweet guys are out of my league now...
oh well...at least ive learned my lesson...never let a good guy slip through, cuz ull regret it eventually...
thats it for now...expect a big blog tomorrow...bye...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
I Don't Wanna Be In Love
the thing with sheets is over...long story short...he got over me just as i fell for him harder than i ever thought i could...and now im screwed...cuz i like a guy who not only most likely doesnt like me back, but actually gave it a shot with me, and found that i was absolutely horrible to deal with...
the sick thing is that i really like him...and when i dropped the three word bomb i meant it...and i still do...
i remember asking him if it was a breakup or just a break...he said he didnt know...apparently im this other person when im in a relationship...an im clingy and just this really shallow person it looks like...if i had been told this from the freaking getgo, i woulda benn like okay, and i woulda tried to fix it...
at least now i know karmas really paid me back this time...in a really ironic way too...the guy (a pretty damn good all around guy too) who liked me for how long now realizes that hes over me just as im falling for him pretty damn hard...ill be okay eventually...i dont want him thinking i hate him, because i dont...quite the opposite...im not gonna lie and say that i dont want us to get another shot, because i do...
he did say he wasnt reay for a relationship tho, and maybe im not either...getting oer harris was only part of the deal, i just have to make sure that i dont make the same mistakes twice...obviously i did, and now im really paying for it...the minute i finally pick a good guy...i when he realizes that most likely, im not good enough for him, that he could do better...which ironically, is what i told him...damn...im getting emotionally pummeled by my own advice...
im too depressed to write now...ill update later...i just wanted to let the world know that my life has been turned upside down yet again...and it wont ever be the same at least not for a long time...
byebye
p.s. - happy birthday to me...
the sick thing is that i really like him...and when i dropped the three word bomb i meant it...and i still do...
i remember asking him if it was a breakup or just a break...he said he didnt know...apparently im this other person when im in a relationship...an im clingy and just this really shallow person it looks like...if i had been told this from the freaking getgo, i woulda benn like okay, and i woulda tried to fix it...
at least now i know karmas really paid me back this time...in a really ironic way too...the guy (a pretty damn good all around guy too) who liked me for how long now realizes that hes over me just as im falling for him pretty damn hard...ill be okay eventually...i dont want him thinking i hate him, because i dont...quite the opposite...im not gonna lie and say that i dont want us to get another shot, because i do...
he did say he wasnt reay for a relationship tho, and maybe im not either...getting oer harris was only part of the deal, i just have to make sure that i dont make the same mistakes twice...obviously i did, and now im really paying for it...the minute i finally pick a good guy...i when he realizes that most likely, im not good enough for him, that he could do better...which ironically, is what i told him...damn...im getting emotionally pummeled by my own advice...
im too depressed to write now...ill update later...i just wanted to let the world know that my life has been turned upside down yet again...and it wont ever be the same at least not for a long time...
byebye
p.s. - happy birthday to me...
Friday, February 1, 2008
Home
were coming home tomorrow....lots of people are coming home now...me and rori from florida, marcus is coming back...techicaly harris's biness is his coming home from the closet...btw harris i want royalties for u using my saying lol jk
last hour of internet winding down....bleck...we gotta go to universal soon then we gotta clean...the black dye got everywhere lol...bleck...
downloading music...sang karaoke...i wanna do that song for spring concert now, if as long as your mine with sheets ends up not panning out...malanie got to sing at the concert, i want to too...she better let me...
thats it for now...bye
last hour of internet winding down....bleck...we gotta go to universal soon then we gotta clean...the black dye got everywhere lol...bleck...
downloading music...sang karaoke...i wanna do that song for spring concert now, if as long as your mine with sheets ends up not panning out...malanie got to sing at the concert, i want to too...she better let me...
thats it for now...bye
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Fallin' / Simply Being Loved
i feel a giant rant coming on...people taking advantage of other people is so totalyl wrong...i have a new person to kill on the top ofmy list, and i cant wait to get back from florida to do it...i dont care about the reprocussions right now, he did a terrible thing to a person im close to, and even though my friend wanted it, the guy still did a terrible thing...i really dont like this dude whos at the top of my to kill list...hes done a really bad thing...and the person whos been wronged here doesnt seem to care...i ont know why im angrier about this than that person is...
my floridian getaway is winding down...i cant wait to see sheets when i get back...the day before my birthday! or maybe on my birthday...i just hope the world likes exactly wats been done to me down here...my sister kinda went bananas on ym hair...and it looks really cool, but my mom hates it...which adds a tiny bit to its coolness lol...roris seen it, she likes it, although she did say it was too short...it sucks cuz i was groeing out my hair too, and now i gotta start all over again...bleck...anyhoo...
my nephew loves me and rori toomuch, he barges into our hotel room and says can i stay here, meanwhile, he never listens to us...an m neice cries ALL the time when my sister isnt here and she cried so long and so loud, that i laughed so hard until i cried...
speaking of crying, m grades suck this year, i dont want to talk about it
now rori is arguing with me about the validity of my rant, she says shes disapointed, because its too short...and i choose to rant calmly...while watching roseanne...whatever
oh, viewers of this blog...whos he better disney princess, cinderella, or any other princess...oh, and is tinkerbell a princess?
i cant wait to see sheets on saturday...things have been going really well with that, and im like realy happy...plus, me and harris are okay...things are finally looking up for me, and now that im not worrying about fighting, i can actually discuss life and everything else besides the complications dating brings you...i hate that...i really like sheets tho...plus i dropped the three word bomb...and i think i really do mean it...the thing is, i wanna look to the future now, cuz im actually happy without strings attached to other feelings, but harris told me it would be forever, and i believed him...i dont wanna get hrt again...i dont wanna hurt him...at the same time i wanna go further with it...idk what to do...im torn between what i want to do and what i should do...u know what, ill leave this to him...
im all over the place now, but for this guy, ill take it over anything else...cuz i think hes worth it...not that any other guy wasnt worth it...lol u guys get me...
now rori needs the computer...ill get back to this later....
c ya l8r...oh yea 8s are hard my 8 key is broken its just this big squshy thing making the 8s go...lol
bye for now
my floridian getaway is winding down...i cant wait to see sheets when i get back...the day before my birthday! or maybe on my birthday...i just hope the world likes exactly wats been done to me down here...my sister kinda went bananas on ym hair...and it looks really cool, but my mom hates it...which adds a tiny bit to its coolness lol...roris seen it, she likes it, although she did say it was too short...it sucks cuz i was groeing out my hair too, and now i gotta start all over again...bleck...anyhoo...
my nephew loves me and rori toomuch, he barges into our hotel room and says can i stay here, meanwhile, he never listens to us...an m neice cries ALL the time when my sister isnt here and she cried so long and so loud, that i laughed so hard until i cried...
speaking of crying, m grades suck this year, i dont want to talk about it
now rori is arguing with me about the validity of my rant, she says shes disapointed, because its too short...and i choose to rant calmly...while watching roseanne...whatever
oh, viewers of this blog...whos he better disney princess, cinderella, or any other princess...oh, and is tinkerbell a princess?
i cant wait to see sheets on saturday...things have been going really well with that, and im like realy happy...plus, me and harris are okay...things are finally looking up for me, and now that im not worrying about fighting, i can actually discuss life and everything else besides the complications dating brings you...i hate that...i really like sheets tho...plus i dropped the three word bomb...and i think i really do mean it...the thing is, i wanna look to the future now, cuz im actually happy without strings attached to other feelings, but harris told me it would be forever, and i believed him...i dont wanna get hrt again...i dont wanna hurt him...at the same time i wanna go further with it...idk what to do...im torn between what i want to do and what i should do...u know what, ill leave this to him...
im all over the place now, but for this guy, ill take it over anything else...cuz i think hes worth it...not that any other guy wasnt worth it...lol u guys get me...
now rori needs the computer...ill get back to this later....
c ya l8r...oh yea 8s are hard my 8 key is broken its just this big squshy thing making the 8s go...lol
bye for now
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Who Knew / Kiss Me / Start Of Something New
well, things went to hell with harris again...things are fine now, i hope...i want things to be back to normal, but if it doesnt happen ill have to make my peace with it...hopefully we can remain friends, considering he keeps saying ginie and taskovas daughter are his best friends, even though i think ive been a good friend to him...he keeps telling me that sheets got the boring girl...even if hes joking it still bothers me, cuz being borings a realy big issue for me...he said i left the stench of monogamy in his mouth...bleck...oh yea...he also said i turned him bi...yes, my ex boyfriend, the one who i loved for nine months is bi...im okay with it, as long as he doesnt become very mean and diva like to me, ill be okay with it...hes trying for ginie again...honestly a tiny part of me is a bit iffy about it but for the most part ill be okay with it as long as he doesnt do the bad things he did with me with her...if he does that ill have to kick some ass lol
as for myself, other than the harris issues, which are beginning to disappear as life goes on, ive been doing pretty well...the sheets thing is progressing nicely lol...i dont remember the last time i was this content...my last few experiences with guys havent been the best...im actually happy...i like the feeling of happy...i think its nice...the thing is before i sorta knew i was loved, but it wasnt altogether tangible to me...i always felt invisible and stuff...its been a while since ive really felt the love...i actually said i love you...and meant it...i dont wanna throw myself into anything too fast, but its really hard not to...i feel a lot more safe, emotionally at least...cuz im not looking for the worst anymore...its easier for me now...now that i have nothing to atone for...i just have to kill the itty bitty demons left...i dont wanna leave the stench of monogamy in sheets's mouth...if hes likeed me for this long...i owe him that time...cuz i dont think i deserve such a decent guy, not after what ive put him thru...i guess i lucked out...and idk aout him, but everytme somebody talks about him, or im talking to him, either i start smiling inwardly, or i break out in this huge ass smile...the beginning is realy new to me, and i dont wanna screw anything up...i want to get this right this time around...now that i have a guy who knows pretty much all there is to know about me, and actually listens to me when i get mad...or sad, or happy or anything else...i trust him...i dont wanna go too fast but i like where we are now...oh yeah...he kissed me...single best kiss of my entire life, hands down...no exaggerating either...i may have virtually no experience with this, but i think so anyway...
my life finally seems to be coming together...a lot of what ive been worrying about over the last stretch of time seems to be resolving itself...im a little insecure about a few things, but i think i can handle it...
things are finally getting simpler...no more worrying about if the one i really care about is gonna get with my favorite cousin...mo more screaming matches about little things...no more pressure to go further than i want to, followed by either being called easy or boring...i wanna fix that tho, i hate being called both of those things...
onward, to other things...
im in florida with rori...having a blast...missing sheets like crazy, and rori misses steve...weve been talking about whats been respectively happening to us...her getting over steve, me and sheets (plus shes helping me persuade myself that what happened wasnt my fault, and i wont screw things up)...
we went on tower of terror, the aerosmith rollercoaster, mission space, this weird thing called the universe of energy (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it lol)...also this musical rendition of finding nemo (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it) space mountain, various magic kingdom rides...lol
i have also discovered i have a compulsive need to buy the official shirt of random things...it all started with my gollum shirt, then my jars of clay shirt, then my third day shirt, then my musical shirts (le miz, rent, POTO, wicked, and spring awakening) then my shirts from rides from disney (POTC, mission space, tower of terror)plus various other shirts...i need therapy...my name is eruaphadriel, and i am a compulsive shirt buyer...LMAO...
anyhoo...today i saw my nephew for the first time in forever, and my neice for the first time ever...they are absolutely adorable they were sad when they had to go to sleep cuz they love me so much...i miss sheets tho...lol...see i cant think of him without smiling inwardly lol... :-)
kk well imma gonna go now...immma go talk to rori...who says hello...
toodles
as for myself, other than the harris issues, which are beginning to disappear as life goes on, ive been doing pretty well...the sheets thing is progressing nicely lol...i dont remember the last time i was this content...my last few experiences with guys havent been the best...im actually happy...i like the feeling of happy...i think its nice...the thing is before i sorta knew i was loved, but it wasnt altogether tangible to me...i always felt invisible and stuff...its been a while since ive really felt the love...i actually said i love you...and meant it...i dont wanna throw myself into anything too fast, but its really hard not to...i feel a lot more safe, emotionally at least...cuz im not looking for the worst anymore...its easier for me now...now that i have nothing to atone for...i just have to kill the itty bitty demons left...i dont wanna leave the stench of monogamy in sheets's mouth...if hes likeed me for this long...i owe him that time...cuz i dont think i deserve such a decent guy, not after what ive put him thru...i guess i lucked out...and idk aout him, but everytme somebody talks about him, or im talking to him, either i start smiling inwardly, or i break out in this huge ass smile...the beginning is realy new to me, and i dont wanna screw anything up...i want to get this right this time around...now that i have a guy who knows pretty much all there is to know about me, and actually listens to me when i get mad...or sad, or happy or anything else...i trust him...i dont wanna go too fast but i like where we are now...oh yeah...he kissed me...single best kiss of my entire life, hands down...no exaggerating either...i may have virtually no experience with this, but i think so anyway...
my life finally seems to be coming together...a lot of what ive been worrying about over the last stretch of time seems to be resolving itself...im a little insecure about a few things, but i think i can handle it...
things are finally getting simpler...no more worrying about if the one i really care about is gonna get with my favorite cousin...mo more screaming matches about little things...no more pressure to go further than i want to, followed by either being called easy or boring...i wanna fix that tho, i hate being called both of those things...
onward, to other things...
im in florida with rori...having a blast...missing sheets like crazy, and rori misses steve...weve been talking about whats been respectively happening to us...her getting over steve, me and sheets (plus shes helping me persuade myself that what happened wasnt my fault, and i wont screw things up)...
we went on tower of terror, the aerosmith rollercoaster, mission space, this weird thing called the universe of energy (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it lol)...also this musical rendition of finding nemo (rori went to sleep in it, i loved it) space mountain, various magic kingdom rides...lol
i have also discovered i have a compulsive need to buy the official shirt of random things...it all started with my gollum shirt, then my jars of clay shirt, then my third day shirt, then my musical shirts (le miz, rent, POTO, wicked, and spring awakening) then my shirts from rides from disney (POTC, mission space, tower of terror)plus various other shirts...i need therapy...my name is eruaphadriel, and i am a compulsive shirt buyer...LMAO...
anyhoo...today i saw my nephew for the first time in forever, and my neice for the first time ever...they are absolutely adorable they were sad when they had to go to sleep cuz they love me so much...i miss sheets tho...lol...see i cant think of him without smiling inwardly lol... :-)
kk well imma gonna go now...immma go talk to rori...who says hello...
toodles
Sunday, January 13, 2008
See You Again
well...the thing with harris got fixed...i read his blog, but still everything is freaking fixed and thats freaking awesome...turns out it was this huge misunderstanding...i thought i had been given absolute truth, turns out i hadnt, and the people i have been trusting are the same people who would sell me out...and harris gave me the proof of that...i still have to see the rest of it, but the essential words are there...well after i showed him what i was told, and he told me what was actually going on (actually, i would have been completely blind to it had he not told me, and now that i know, believe it or not, i do feel better)
to respond to harris's blog, even though its been fixed, i kinda wanna say that it wasnt like i didnt have something to go on, and i thought i was being told the truth...the fact that i wasnt being told the truth was unknown to me, and i never would have said what i said had i been told the complete honest truth...
well, in the ensuing explosion of screaming right before the winter festival, we both said we wasted our i love you's...i wonder if he meant it was a mistake...cuz i said it cuz i was seriously pissed off, and that was what he said...i wonder if he thinks the last nine months was a mistake...that i wasnt worth all of this...i wouldnt blame him, but that would kill me...
and it would kinda screw me up for future relationships...cuz ill always be worried thatmaybe they think im this big drama filled waste of time...i dont like drama as much as the nezt person...its fun to watch, not fun to be in....but it hurts when people you care about think that you want drama, that you live for it....when honestly i dont...
i dont wanna say it follows me either...maybe drama always knows what im going to do...maybe its my very personality...maybe i need a personality transplant...or a drama protection program...heh
on a lighter note...i fixed my limewire...hello listening to sheets's songs without stealing his ipod...sorry about that sheets...just know that those days are nearly over...
this is prolly how you know you like another person...you cant not smile around them, no matter whats on your mind...even if its something small, they just put this smile on your face...
hopefully my own skeletons and ddemons dont get in the way of this way...hopefully i dont screw this up...maybe i wont...hopefully ive learned something from all of this...in more ways than one...
i cant wait till tomorrow...collosal smiles await...
to respond to harris's blog, even though its been fixed, i kinda wanna say that it wasnt like i didnt have something to go on, and i thought i was being told the truth...the fact that i wasnt being told the truth was unknown to me, and i never would have said what i said had i been told the complete honest truth...
well, in the ensuing explosion of screaming right before the winter festival, we both said we wasted our i love you's...i wonder if he meant it was a mistake...cuz i said it cuz i was seriously pissed off, and that was what he said...i wonder if he thinks the last nine months was a mistake...that i wasnt worth all of this...i wouldnt blame him, but that would kill me...
and it would kinda screw me up for future relationships...cuz ill always be worried thatmaybe they think im this big drama filled waste of time...i dont like drama as much as the nezt person...its fun to watch, not fun to be in....but it hurts when people you care about think that you want drama, that you live for it....when honestly i dont...
i dont wanna say it follows me either...maybe drama always knows what im going to do...maybe its my very personality...maybe i need a personality transplant...or a drama protection program...heh
on a lighter note...i fixed my limewire...hello listening to sheets's songs without stealing his ipod...sorry about that sheets...just know that those days are nearly over...
this is prolly how you know you like another person...you cant not smile around them, no matter whats on your mind...even if its something small, they just put this smile on your face...
hopefully my own skeletons and ddemons dont get in the way of this way...hopefully i dont screw this up...maybe i wont...hopefully ive learned something from all of this...in more ways than one...
i cant wait till tomorrow...collosal smiles await...
Monday, January 7, 2008
Will I Lose My Dignity?
thats my big question...is my relentless search for harris's forgiveness demeaning me as a person? is the very thing im searching for killing me in the process? well, i do know its killing me...i havent cried over him breaking up with me except right after...then i cry after school...i thought i was okay with this...i figured id be fine...damn my delayed reactions...i dont know what it is...its just that when i hear something bad, or something thats supposed to be bad...i let it go to my brain first, and let it ferment there for awhile...i can only imagine, had i let the its over from harris ffect me right away, i would have killed myself...then something triggers it, whether it be information that changes everything, inclding why i was okay with it in the first place...or if its just me thinking so much about it...the paranoia setting in...the logic setting in...yea, despite me being generally disheveled and crazy, im pretty logical...i tend to analyze a lot...id never analyze love (aka STEVE lol), but it kinda helps me...well, anyhow...i just keptthinking about it and thinking and thinking and the only thing that made sense wasnt actually ttrue, yet the truth makes very little sense...i find that rather odd..well anyhow, according to rori, ivve been deleted from harris's myspace...i dont think you delete a person unless you are rather sure that you will never see or speak to them again...
i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...
im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...
th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...
what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...
i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...
i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...
today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)
the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...
the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...
the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...
perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...
well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...
well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...
bye
i dont know what to do...oh and HI JOEY! I KNOE U READ THESE NOW...turns out he was lying and was reading my blogs all along...and he said hes gonna take my thoughts and throw them back in my face...those were his words, i didnt twist them in any way...oh and he said he wasted his i love you...and somehow that isnt worse than saying he never loved me...isnt that kinda reinfircing what he said, true or not...and at least i understand now that its not true...and then he wonders why i get so mad...i dont ever remember ever being this angry...he told ginie and jenny and aiyanna what we did...she comes from vermont every seven weeks, and now she knows something i didnt even want the peple im still close to knowing...i feel like the world knows...and its the most violating feeling ever...
im freaking tearing my hair out over this...and the heartbreak i was supposed to feel is here now...i know i overreacted, but what in the world was i supposed to think? he up and asks ginie what would happen, breaks up with me, asks again...tells the world private things i didnt want anyone knowing, which make me look like a whore...then says he wasted his i love you, and wonders why i overreact...oh, and tells people in clover what happened...omg some girl gave me the only look today...i bet he left out the part wherethe girl is my cousin...im not against it per se, but its like if i went out with peter...eww, no offfense to him...
th thing is, this is the last thing i should be thinking about, considing i have an interview with harvard tomorrow...im nervous...what if im not good enough for them...well, not a lotof people are, but i want to be, so i have to nail this interview....but idk if i can, considing whats monopolizing my thoughts...
what hurts the most is that i really like sheets, but i dont know if im actually all there...cuz i think im...going crazy...then harris's comment on how im gonna hurt him cuz imma make the same mistakes again...that just added more to it, and kinda proved that hes being vindictive, just to be mean to me...theres taking time, then theres severing all ties...i dont know exactly what hes doing...but either way its ripping my heart out piece by peice and drilling tubercle holes in my lungs...
i dont wanna hurt sheets, but if i sont get over harris soon, ill hurt everyone...harris has made that clear...
i want my life back...the life before i started dating, the life before a guy's opinion meant so much to me...i want my independence back...i want to just forget that ive hurt other people...to get rid of all this baggage...cuz now that i have it, i cant get rid of it...and its hurting my chance to ever look at a guy and not see the one who hurt me...i think sheets is different, but after the harris thing, im kinda afraid to take the risk again...
today i kinda realized a thing or two about our group...theres six of us and we kinda fall into categories...the emotional, the analytical, and the insanely perverted(i have no name for this group, i will call it the random for short)
the emotional ones, by their own admission, are rori and sheets. they react with the heart, apparently...its not really something i do, but it would be nice to not have a delayed reaction all the time...i kinda admire them, they have hearts...and they seem so open, but there prolly not...id want to be like that...
the analytical ones...thats my category, along with steve...well, me and steve are very different, one of the few simiiarities being that we rationalize everything...steve rationalized love, i rationalize everything else...i dont know about steve, but i think it keep me sane...keeps the world making sense...even if my sanity's the victim to it...
the guys that are left...the random ones...harris and marina...highly unpredictble...stubborn as hell...im a bit like this sometimes...at least with the stubbornness...but the rest is more them...i dont really know this category well, but i think i got it down pretty well...
perhaps the reason why things got so messed up when we all started dating is because we see ourselves in our significant others (ie: me and harris's obstinant stubbornness)...its a bit sick actually, that we cant stand seeing our own flaws in other people...
well i think ive written enough for today...i gotta reasearch harvard some more...steves coming, and harris might...i dont know though...
well....bye everyone...hopefully my next one will be better...and not so angry...or sad...maybe nothing but the happy...
bye
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Demons / Paranoia
okay...it appears ive made a tactical error here...apparently, harris really did care...now he hates me because i wrote the last blog...while blinded with anger...he thinks i really meant all of that...i didnt...had it all been true, i woulda gotten POed...
maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...
maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...
well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...
am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....
ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...
i dont wanna lose everyone...
now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...
at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...
im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...
im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...
maybe my paranoid karma watching has been the very reason that i have gone nutty...i feel like crap...
maybe i houldnt expect the bad in people...maybe thats why i have gone bonky...maybe thats whats been haunting me...maybe thats why it ended...
well, i tried to fix it...he pretty much never wants to see me again...that whole good riddance thing sent him over the edge...i was freaked and sad and pissed off and im really sorry...
am i a good person? has this whole last year, the one i spent, you know, not single...is that the reason ive been reduced to what i am? this person that i barely like, let alone my friends....
ive learned things about myself, sure....but at what cost? i didnt wanna hurt harris...i didnt wanna hurt anybody...i dont wanna hurt sheets either...and im afraid that if i dont get over this crap that will no doubt haunt me down the line...ill hurt him too...
i dont wanna lose everyone...
now i know the drama is in fact my fault...well, at least the drama that has to do with anything ive been involved in...if only i could leave the group...save them any further pain...i dont know if i can tho...its been a really long while since ive stood alone....but i dont want to stand alone...
at the same time, i dont wanna be this person anymore...i dont like me anymore...and i wanna fix this with harris, to say the very least...if he reads this (which i doubt, considering he hates me)...i want him to know im sorry...
im sorry for all the crap ive caused...i hope the world can forgive me...and once everybody i care about realizes that ive caused them all this pain, i hope they run and spare themselves the pain and misery that theyve experienced...
im sorry for everything...im sorry harris, im sorry everyone...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I Hate Everything About You / Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
harris is a dirty little liar...he didnt break up with me cuz we fought too much...communication hindrance my ass...he broke up with me, not only cuz he wanted his singleness back (yea finding that out from my mom wasnt a walk in the park for me), but because he wanted ginie back...he likes her, always did...he used me, then dropped me for my fifteen year old cousin...then set me up with sheets to make himself feel better...granted the set up with sheets part is the only part im thankful for...but the rest of it sucks...
ginie told me today...yesterday he told me he always liked her...and she told me today that he was trying to get with her even before he broke up with me...and the fat that she didnt tell me sooner hurts, but not too much i guess...i wonder how long hes been trying to get with my fifteen year old cousin...i thought id be okay with it, bu im not...im alright with them going out, im not alright with the fact that my little cousin would then be going out with the biggest liar ever...hes a dirty little liar and it hurts that a guy who took my first kiss from me, is lying to me all because he wants a younger, prettier girl...everything that was wrong about us all goes back to the simple fact that he wanted her, liked her, perhaps loved her...and all he got was me...
they deserve each other...i dont blame her, its not her fault that to harris, shes better than me...ive lived a lie for nine months and i hate mself cuz i saw this coming but couldnt quite put my finger on it..now i know...the upside is, i now know, not only that im not crazy, but that i can prolly spot an asshole from a mile off...
god bless them both...and good riddance...
the sad thing was i really did love him...i put everything into this...readers of past blogs would know that...and this is how he repays me...by not even sparing me a passsing glance while he guiltlessly takes on my cousin...i hate that...all the times he said hed never look at her that way....and then he told everyone what we did...that was something i didnt want everyone to know...now the world knows...
i dont want to, but im crying over this...i hate him...more than anything...i let him hurt me, i let him do this to me...i let him delude me by listening to him say that he loved me...i let him do this to me...he made it so i have nothing left to give...
any love that i could have possibly felt, that wasnt entirely extingushed by the fact that it prolly wouldnt have worked out anyway...is entirely replaced by the most crushing hatred i could eveer feel for anyone who said that they loved me...now i know never to take the words of any guy and put a positive spin to them...never to believe the words and lies of any guy and believe that this one will be different...never to take the promises and believe that he would ever keep them in this lifetime...god knows...i gave this bastard everything, and i have nothing to show for it except huge blowups, some lies and more tears than i can count...
at least i know my karma finally came...its a relief actually, to know that ive gotten paid back...i can feel the hurt too...
so thank you, joseph harris, for giving me what i deserve...
ginie told me today...yesterday he told me he always liked her...and she told me today that he was trying to get with her even before he broke up with me...and the fat that she didnt tell me sooner hurts, but not too much i guess...i wonder how long hes been trying to get with my fifteen year old cousin...i thought id be okay with it, bu im not...im alright with them going out, im not alright with the fact that my little cousin would then be going out with the biggest liar ever...hes a dirty little liar and it hurts that a guy who took my first kiss from me, is lying to me all because he wants a younger, prettier girl...everything that was wrong about us all goes back to the simple fact that he wanted her, liked her, perhaps loved her...and all he got was me...
they deserve each other...i dont blame her, its not her fault that to harris, shes better than me...ive lived a lie for nine months and i hate mself cuz i saw this coming but couldnt quite put my finger on it..now i know...the upside is, i now know, not only that im not crazy, but that i can prolly spot an asshole from a mile off...
god bless them both...and good riddance...
the sad thing was i really did love him...i put everything into this...readers of past blogs would know that...and this is how he repays me...by not even sparing me a passsing glance while he guiltlessly takes on my cousin...i hate that...all the times he said hed never look at her that way....and then he told everyone what we did...that was something i didnt want everyone to know...now the world knows...
i dont want to, but im crying over this...i hate him...more than anything...i let him hurt me, i let him do this to me...i let him delude me by listening to him say that he loved me...i let him do this to me...he made it so i have nothing left to give...
any love that i could have possibly felt, that wasnt entirely extingushed by the fact that it prolly wouldnt have worked out anyway...is entirely replaced by the most crushing hatred i could eveer feel for anyone who said that they loved me...now i know never to take the words of any guy and put a positive spin to them...never to believe the words and lies of any guy and believe that this one will be different...never to take the promises and believe that he would ever keep them in this lifetime...god knows...i gave this bastard everything, and i have nothing to show for it except huge blowups, some lies and more tears than i can count...
at least i know my karma finally came...its a relief actually, to know that ive gotten paid back...i can feel the hurt too...
so thank you, joseph harris, for giving me what i deserve...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
crushcrushcrush
i named my blog this for many different reasons...one...i love this song and can listen to it multiple times without getting tired...two....it kinda applies to me...im not disclosing the name...but everybodys been ragging on me for it, even harris, who just broke up with me...hell, hes encouraging it...anyhow...im all sorts of confused right now...oh well...who knew the beginning was so hard? at least with harris it was easy...hes like my best friend and stuff...then when i started going out with him this guy was...just...all sorts of there...and i kinda like him now...even though im pretty late with this...and everybody kinda knows it...
its weird...i cant keep the smile off my face anymore...ud think i wouldnt be smiling, considering that harris kinda ended it quite abruptly...the scary thing is that its fine with me...
i dont wanna say im not hurt over what happened, i kinda am, but its okay...i was the reciever of the breakup, theres nothing i can do about it, if he didnt want to be with me, then its oky, cuz if i love im, id want him to be happy, and if hes happy then it ending isnt the problem...at the same time, i wanna be happy too, and now i am...i just dont wanna screw it up...
well, whatever happens, happens...
its weird...i cant keep the smile off my face anymore...ud think i wouldnt be smiling, considering that harris kinda ended it quite abruptly...the scary thing is that its fine with me...
i dont wanna say im not hurt over what happened, i kinda am, but its okay...i was the reciever of the breakup, theres nothing i can do about it, if he didnt want to be with me, then its oky, cuz if i love im, id want him to be happy, and if hes happy then it ending isnt the problem...at the same time, i wanna be happy too, and now i am...i just dont wanna screw it up...
well, whatever happens, happens...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
It's All Over / What's Left Of Me
its over...actually over...me and harris no longer go out...before the audience of AWWWWWWWWs come in, its okay...im okay...im fine...more than fine actually...im feeling pretty good about the whole thing...okay heres where it all starts...
well, this morning, i come into school, all happyand stuff...i say hi to rori and he most dejected harris ive ever seen...i kid around like i normally do, but not even that pisses him off enough to get him to stop freaking me out...then i sit down next to him, and he just says we need to talk...im already freaking out, i know something bad is coming...im like are you dying...he says no...im like am i in trouble, he says no, we both are...that bothered me to no end...he just kept repeating we fight way too much...eventually it clicks...hes breaking up with me...initially...i freak out...like a lot...hysterical crying...im not too proud of the way i reacted...oh well that isnt important...anyhoo...eventh period rolls around...ive cried for six periods straight...i skipped math cuz i couldnt take it...well, seventh, me and harris are totally avoiding each other...in a flurry of notes delivered by sheetts and himself, i got to say what i had to sa, and ear his side too...the period ends...we talk in person...we settle it all...no sooner are we in wendys when harris starts pushing for me and sheets...honestly...i gave that a lot of thought...id actually like that...i need a bit of time first...i dont wanna rush anything..but i wouldnt mind that one bit...not one itty bitty bit...hes a really nice guy....but to be honest, i dont wanna do to him what i did to jimmy...i dont wanna screw it up like i did with harris...ive already screwed up too much...i dont wanna screw things up anymore...
im so being way more careful with everything...when i let my guard down, was when it ended...i dont wanna be a person who my best friend breaks up with...at the same time i wanna be able to get past all of this...and i think i am...im actually okay...
u know that song from wicked, thank goodness "i couldnt be happier"...well, im couldnt be sadder either...which is okay i guess...well, maybe its all for the best...
on lighter notes...me and rori got this french solo...im the mezzo...yay
bye guys...from single eruaphadriel
well, this morning, i come into school, all happyand stuff...i say hi to rori and he most dejected harris ive ever seen...i kid around like i normally do, but not even that pisses him off enough to get him to stop freaking me out...then i sit down next to him, and he just says we need to talk...im already freaking out, i know something bad is coming...im like are you dying...he says no...im like am i in trouble, he says no, we both are...that bothered me to no end...he just kept repeating we fight way too much...eventually it clicks...hes breaking up with me...initially...i freak out...like a lot...hysterical crying...im not too proud of the way i reacted...oh well that isnt important...anyhoo...eventh period rolls around...ive cried for six periods straight...i skipped math cuz i couldnt take it...well, seventh, me and harris are totally avoiding each other...in a flurry of notes delivered by sheetts and himself, i got to say what i had to sa, and ear his side too...the period ends...we talk in person...we settle it all...no sooner are we in wendys when harris starts pushing for me and sheets...honestly...i gave that a lot of thought...id actually like that...i need a bit of time first...i dont wanna rush anything..but i wouldnt mind that one bit...not one itty bitty bit...hes a really nice guy....but to be honest, i dont wanna do to him what i did to jimmy...i dont wanna screw it up like i did with harris...ive already screwed up too much...i dont wanna screw things up anymore...
im so being way more careful with everything...when i let my guard down, was when it ended...i dont wanna be a person who my best friend breaks up with...at the same time i wanna be able to get past all of this...and i think i am...im actually okay...
u know that song from wicked, thank goodness "i couldnt be happier"...well, im couldnt be sadder either...which is okay i guess...well, maybe its all for the best...
on lighter notes...me and rori got this french solo...im the mezzo...yay
bye guys...from single eruaphadriel
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